OK this is an emergency so get back to me quick please. I've been using my house phone to phone my guy, stupidly thinking the number wouldn't turn up on the bill, and I think my mum got it today because I went downstairs before and she said "who were you at the beach with today?" (as I went to the beach with my guy) and I said "no one, why?" and she said "cos someone said they saw u with someone today", anyway I then went back upstairs and phoned my guy and the 1st thing he said was "im so sorry" I said what for? And he said "your mum just phoned me and i thought it was you phoning cos ur witheld number and you mum asked if it was me and i said yes and she put the phone down" then I realised my mum was just asking that question to get me scared or something. What do I do? I'm scared now. Do I tell her tonight when she questions me? Do I invite him round now to tell her? Help!

You need to sit down now with your Mom and discuss this.

YOU BOTH NEED TO LISTEN.

You need to cxome up with A LOT of greatreasons WHY he is a great guy.

And ask her why she doesn't like him.

Skell is right. As parents, we're older and have more experience. Besides, we can see things that you can't because of your love for him, and we know that love is not enough. Why is your mother wrong in wanting someone with a little more ambition? Maybe your mom is concerned that you may get pregnant. Maybe she's concerned that he will break your heart. Maybe she's concerned that you'll slowly forget about school or college. It's not so much because he is in a different social class than you are, it's that he doesn't have the desire or is not putting in the effort, to be the best he can be. He doesn't dream of pursuing an education and following a career that would enable him to achieve great things, and one day, having a nice home for his wife and children. I know that I would rather my daughter date someone who treated her well, respected and loved her, more than someone who had money. But that he treat her well is not enough, because one day, it won't be enough for her either. I would want him to be well balanced. To go to college and then pursuit a respectable career that would make him financially stable, so that if one day he decided to ask for my daughters hand in marriage, he would reassure me that he can support her and the 57 grand-children they should give me.

My own teen aged daughter has a boyfriend who's family is not financially stable, at all. He used to be pretty embarrassed to come to our house, cause he said he felt intimidated and overwhelmed by the difference of what we had and what he didn't. However, this kid is awesome. He gets straight A's in school, is an over-achiever and a half, a math/engineering wizz, is getting grants left and right, hard working and he treats my daughter like a queen, without letting her walk all over him. He works part time to help him single mom out. He already knows what college he's going to and is making plans to intern at different companies and attending a junior college over the summer. He's great and I don't give a heck how much money he doesn't have because he's working hard to change that. He doesn't want to struggle in life, he wants to give his mom some well deserved help and he's focused, goal oriented.

Maybe that's what your mom is looking for. Only way to know is to talk to her, but stop keeping secrets, it helps no one.

Showtime!! The secrets out and now is the time to state your case. Try to be mature and be ready to listen, always be respectful and NO ultimatums.

When I was in high school my boyfriend was black and as you can imagine I heard the same thing except I dealt with the race issue. What did I do? I eloped and have been with my husband for 22 years. I am not by any means telling you this was the right decision , But it turned out to be the best decision for us. My family now adore my husband. When your MOM sees how much you guys compliment each other she will change her mind. She is after all your mom and looking out for your best interest.

You need to let her know the truth that you have been talking to this person and that you want to tell her. Your mother seems very unreasonable but it is your decision to make. You need to as Tal said it is showtime and you need to lay all the cards on the table. I know you are scared and I know you are having a hard time with this and I can tell you it will get a lot worse. What you need to do is stand your ground with your mother. What you need to do is have your boyfriend with you. There are many stories of loved ones having hard times with family members but in the long run things seem to work out. You need to always stay strong. Please do not give up, no matter how tough things get because In my own situation I only told you a small number of situations and it finally worked out for the best. Although there are situaitions that arise occasional everything does end up working out for the best in the long run. SAY AND DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR HEART, SPIRIT and MIND. Stay true to who you are and do not let anybody run your life for you or tell you what to do. You need to make your own mind, your own spirit and your heart happy. What makes you happy? I know what the answer is. Focus on those things and do your best to let go of the bad times, the bad memories. Keep what makes you happy close to you and what makes you upset and feeling bad far from you. This is only my advice. You need to do what is right for you. What you think will make you happy. Please keep us updated and let us know how things are going. Remember we will always be here for you. Always. So do not hesitate at anytime to get intouch with us.

I totally agree with these posts.
Speak to your mum, don't be scared. If you both can prove to her that your love is for real then she should accept that with no problems, if she loves you which I'm sure she does she will slowly slowly start to accept you and your man are an item.

Thank you for the replies, I couldn't reply yesterday straight away because my mum took the internet plug out because she didn't wnt me to use my laptop. And wel ill tell you now..
OK well she hit me really hard across the face as soon as she walked in and ovbviously that wasn't the best start. Then she shouted and started bringing me and him down saying he's going to ruin my college and my life, then she ended up saying "pack your things i can't even look at u let alone talk to you, let him support you!" called me horrible names that I can't really repeat on here, so I just walked out and asked him for a lift to his house. Then she text me saying I forgot my things and I said id pick them up when I came bak in the mornin when she wasn't there. Anyway, that night my brother phoned me crying, (he's 13) saying he wanted me home, and I said I want to see you but mum said she doesn't want me bak home, I told him id see him in the morning. So I stayed at my guys house the night and got the bus back this morning. I had to climb through the window because my mum locked the door, anyway, my mum was in her room when I looked. Then we had a bg argument again and she said "how is he going to suport you cos im not, not after you kept this from me" and I told her "i had to keep it from you because you would never accept it and now im fed up of hiding it from you" and she said "well fine then go, make him support you and give you money while ur at school, if you stay here you're not seeing him, if you go you can do what you like" so I started packing, I was crying because my brother was in the other rom and he wanted me to stay, but my mum was saying you're under my roof here and your not seeing him, and that's not fair because he's doing nothing wrong, except in her eyes he's not educated enough for me, or sophisticated enough. Do you think I made the right decision packing? Anyway, after a while she said "unpack your things, you can talk to him on the phone, you're staying here" and I said "no you can't stop me from seeing him so im going" then she said "fine do what you want but dont rub it in my face" then I said "i will, im seeing him later" and she said "do what you want". Its good she said that because then I can see my brother, but our relationships never going to be the same, we even said that. She said she's never going to support us, for accept us. She kept saying to my brother last night, "back me up here please" I was listening up stairs, and my brother said "i just want you two to get along and stop arguing" I don't want to hurt my brother, but its unfair that I should give up my love because my mum won't accept us, so I'm not giving up. Please reply soon. Thank you

Why isn't he sophisticated enough for your mum?
And why doesn't she think he can support you?
Does he work? What does he do?
Has your mum every meet him and spoken to him for her to judge him so much?

In your mums eyes, she is protecting you but actually she is pushing you further away.
People deserve chances... if you claim your boyfriend has done nothing wrong I can't understand why she doesn't even consider giving him 1 chance.
Your mum is worrying and acting like any mum would about her daughter if she didn't think much of a guy BUT she is acting selfishly... something I call SELFISH LOVE.

He isn't sophisticated enough for my mum because he lives in a states house, I think you call it counsil house. We haven't even planned a future together, we are just lovers. I don't understand her big problem. She has met him twice, that's it and it wasn't even to spend time with her and us, he was coming round to mine for me. Yes he does work, and he works very hard, he is a landscape gardener.he also has, engineering and carpentry on his CV. She doesn't think he is educated enough for me because he didn't do his A-levels or get any degrees from college. She said he can't string a sentece together, and he can't talk peroperly, (he can really of course) she says it to get to me, I think I know my own guy you know? She says she doesn't like him and she says my brother doesn't like him and they have only met him twice and won't give him a chance.

I think your mum is taking her own bad life experiences and protecting you from it. But as I said she doesn't realise she is doing wrong, she doesn't realise she is pushing you further away.

So what if he lives in council house!

God if all mums wouldn't let their daughters be with a guy because he didn't do A levels, and has no degrees and lives in a council house then you can take me for an example then I wouldn't be married to the man I love.

The issues your mum is arising with to me are invalid reasons.
He works hard and he is showing a lot of interest in her daughter, you!

Yeah I no. thanks for the reassurance. Its true because rite now I don't want to be here on my bed in the same house as my mum. I think she's scared he'll ruin my chances of college, but I've been with him for 2 years and I'm still in college doing what I'm doing. My mum never took A-levels, she's only just got to the stage of being a semi-accountant through rising up in her office job that she's had since she was in her 20's. Her boyfriend has no A-levels either. My brother seems fine now so is there anything I need to do about him though?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kaz_89

my brother seems fine now so is there n e thing i need to do about him tho?

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I don't understand your question, sorry.

I think that you should let your mum know how you feel about this, about her behaviour and all. I am dating this guy I love very much and by other standards, he is lacking.. he has a nice job and all, but no degree.. he has a stable situation and I could even say a good situation. Treats me like princess too... my mom so far hasn't mentionned anything but then, I can sense her disapproval at times, when she is annoyed!you see, I am doing degree and all my friends are doctors and the like... so he tends to feel a bit out of place when with my friends... that's y.. I try not to let it bug me. But I never kept it hidden from my mum, though I doubt maybe deep down its not what she would have chosen for me...

Your brother will be fine and you should do your best to keep in close contact with him. As for Mom, well, let her cool off. As for you, best to focus on getting your life together, that includes supporting yourself AND not getting pregnant. Sorry, but you and your new found freedom comes with adult responsibilities and since you find yourself out in the real world you have no choice but to be real. Good luck!

My wife's mother is always saying that I should be a doctor and win the lottery. She is always comparing me to other guys and saying other guys are smarter and so on and so on. Your mother had no ****ing right to hit you. That is physical abuse, and she has already been emotionally abusing you all these years. You did the right thing. You need to get out of that situation. You need to try to keep the lines of communications open, but if it does not work out then so tough love is called for. She does not want you to be happy, she is trying to make your life a living hell. You need to stay a way from that. I am hoping that your boyfriend will stick by you all the way through. You do not have to show or prove nothing to your mother. Others have said that you need to try to show your mother of how he treats you and so forth. You do not need to dress this guy up for your mother. It is not the clothes that make somebody. You do not have to continually having to defend him and yourself. You do not have to show your mother anything except that you love this person, this person loves you and you both make each other happy. Continue going to school. Do not give up on school because of what happened. I really do feel for you. I told you it will get worse but I promise you it will eventually get better. It could be a week, month, year. Just depends. Remember my wife and I went through similar things. Maybe not as bad as physical but the emotional abuse just as bad.

Thanks for those replies. Yes well I saw him tonight and I came back and only my brother is talking to me. My mum and her boyfriend are'nt talking to me. It's a bit upsetting but ill get used to it, id rather that, than her going on at me all the time, even though she probs will soon. I'm going back to college on Monday which I can't wait for because it means I can leave my mum to cool off. Anyway, my guy was so cute tonight, he kept asking if I was OK and cuddling me and reassuring me which felt so nice, I wish my mum could see how lovely he treats me. Him and his family have put up with so much, and gone to lengths to help me out with this problem and they're far away from fed up of me. So you think I should just carry on being calm and going about my own business?

Yes, Yes, Yes. Carry on being calm and going about your own business.

I have a friend who was/is a landscaper as well. Bought a 150,000.00 house and now it is valued at over 1.8 mil so I don't see the problem here only potential.

Well I think that its really sweet and kind that you are all backing me up so thank you. I got it hard at home at the moment, my mum called me a slut before I went to see my guy tonight, I went with him to babysit his nephew! Anyway, don't really know what else to say. Ill keep you posted.

Thank you for the updates, but we all know that your mother is a very abusive lady. We all know that for your sake it is better to keep your head up high and do not fall into any traps with your mother. Be happy, enjoy your life. Even though it may cause problems with your mother. Your old enough to know what is best for you and your mother needs to learn how to support you and not always drag you down to the ground with guilt trips and insults. Good luck with everything and yes it will be hard. Sometimes distance does amazing things.

Joe

Yeah I no, I mean last night I was out with my guy and she text me saying "sorry i didnt realise u left the house to go out, sorry i didnt say goodbye" and then I replied saying "its ok" then she text me bak a couple of kisses which was weird because she was so horrible this past 3 days, and today I went out with my guy and she was fine with me, but I think its because I'm going back to dance school tomorrow - in the car she said "god arent you excited for going back!?, i would be!" which under the lines means, ("i know you arent as chirpy because it was your last day with him today and you wont see him for a fare few weeks, well get over it.") because she's said it before. But yeah I was sad saying goodbye to him today, but I'm excited too, the reason I wasn't as chirpy was because I was sitting in the car with my mum! I mean I just don't have that connection we used to have anymore, but I can't tell her I don't like her company because she'll go mad. Lol. Anyway, thanks for the replies. You've really helped me over a massive hill, and its nice to have a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Happy to help. Enjoy your classes. It sounds like your mother is easing up a bit. Good for you. You did it on your own, getting over the massive hill.

Joe

Hey just fillling you in, I'm bak at college rite now so everythings fine. Ill let you know how it goes when I get home for half term.

Hi
I am at my nanas house for the weekend and I was at the station last night travellin up here from college. My mum phoned me and we were talking about my universities and stuff, anyway. I said "cant believe its only been 3 weeks" and she said "why, i thought it went quite quickly! are you counting down the days until you get back here?" I said "yeh i can't wait, but thats 4 weeks away" and she said "why can't you wait" and I said "cos its going so slowly, college is cool but everyones lookin forward to the holiday" and she said "why?" and I was thinking (stop asking 'why, why why' I know what she's thinking) and then she said "you have nothing to come back to here" and I said yes I do" she said "what" and i said "my boyfriend!" and she said "oh for gods sake!" and put the phone down on me. then i text her saying "you knew that was coming, you knew I was going to say that, so why keep asking why why why? And "you have nothing here!" so innocently when you knew!!

That really upset me, it was if she thinks because I'm over here I don't have a boyfriend anymore, do you know what I mean? Because she's been really nice to me while I've been here, blocking him out of everything. Also when I go back I have reletives coming over, and what shal I do, because yes ill take them out and things but I'm not dedicating my whole week to them! Is that selfish? I won't have seem my guy for 7 weeks and I would like to spend time with him too - its his birthday on one of the days I'm back also. What shal I do?

Your mom is being cruel and selfish at this point. While you don't want to cross her, you don't have to go out of your way to be nice or please her either. Be polite, courteous, call her once a week to ask how she is, that's about the only obligation you have to her. You want to make sure not to make her mad cause you want to have access to your little brother and she may not let you come and see him if she's mad at you.

And, no, you aren't obligated to spend all your time with relatives. Enjoy!

I agree with Momincali here. You also are not obligated to talk about your boyfriend. Keep you tone and conversation casual with your mother. Don't even bring up the boyfriend no matter how hard she pushes.

Keep him to yourself.

Adults go about their business and don't worry about what others may say. Be polite but do your own thing.

Thanks guys that's helped a lot. :)

WOW :eek: What a post. Just went through them today and I feel sorry for you. I went through sort of the same thing (w/o the abuse) with my mom. Didn't want me to see this guy and all--my situation was different. I should have taken my moms advice, but that was like 20 years ago.

I would be curious as to how the visit home went? How are things coming? How is your brother?

Well I'm home now and we stayed in a hotel for one night for my guy's birthday but I just feel like she always tries to relate anything that goes wrong like arguments or just little things, back to being mine and my guys fault. I'm really depressed at the moment. I just don't want to spend and e time with my mum anymore. She's always moody with me, and uptight, she's like a short fuse! Its driving me crazy, I mean yeah its good I see my guy now with her knowing but she's still driving me away. Right now I can't wait to live in my new flat next yr, but that's nxt yr. I just had a go at my boyfriend tonight and went crazy and was crying and angry at him because of my mum, it wasn't even his fault and I'm having a go at him I felt really bad. My mum wants me to be perfect so she can show me off to her friends. She doesn't even want to do nice things with me, I just feel like I'm her little show girl to impress her friends, like a possession - because I'm at this dance school and I just auditioned for a really good college and I found out I got in, I was so happy! But it was as if she was thinking "right good shes got in, something else to make me look impressive" because she lies to her friends and rest of our family about me and my guy, just says "oh shes gne out with her girly friends" because she's too ashamed of me going out with him. (Jesus helper I need your help - u've helped me through so much) anyway she's pushing me away and I don't want to see her, I only come bak to see my guy really, my brothers at the age where he doesn't really care or understand my feelings, so I feel really alone on all this, quite frankly id rather him not understand I don't want to bring him to and e of this, he'll only worry. And e advice please let me know, a lot of you know what's happened in the past and have given me good advice. Thanks

First off: Be careful. I understand you said you stayed in a hotel with your boyfriend. That's great and all, but be careful not to get pregnant. You do not want to give your mother any more ammo than she is already using.

Are you just back for a few days? You may just need to ignore her, don't fight, don't let her know she is getting to you. And certainly don't let her abuse you any longer :mad:

Are you able to stay at you boyfriend house?

Yeah I'm back for a week. I have to spend the day with my mum today because she says she has hardly seen me. Lol, jusr going to be boring today. I'm going to try and sleep at my guys house tonight, my mum might say no but I mean she was fine about me in the hotel so don't see why I can't sleep out tonight. No don't worry I have all the protection I need, I'm very sensible and so is my guy. I definitely will not be giving her and e amo. I had an argument again with my guy yesterday and we nearly split up. I think because I have no control over what my mum says or how she makes me feel I'm ately trying to control my guy, I told him this and he totally understands, we made up and he said he'll stick by me and help me through the times I have to go home. I mean it all probably sounds worse than it actually is to you, I mean it is horrible I hate everything that's going on, but sometimes my mums nice to me like this morning, which is weird, but then most of the time she'll be really weird and then find excuses to annoy or pick at me which really upsets me. She's the type of person who critisises loads of people, but can't take criticism herself. If you get me? Anyway hope this all makes sense. Thanks

I have read your posts and goodness, you have quite a controlling mother. It is too bad she does not see what she is doing to your relationship. It is not your b/f fault, so take it easy on him. Try not to react to your mom's up and down behavior. Hard to do when you live with someone, I know. Try reacting differently to her. Do not be rude or thoughtless, but do not be on the defensive with her. When she goes off about all she does for you. Say, I know and I love you for that and I appreciate it all, and someday I hope to make you proud. If she gets on you about your b/f tell her he's a great guy, she should get to know him. Most of all, do not allow her to make you miserable and feel less of your abilities because she compares you and your brother. I have had friends in life that their mothers were just controlling to the point of being just mean sometimes. Nice one minute to make you feel guilty and awful the next and make you feel as though you are crazy or at fault. Your mother has issues with how she managed her life and feels she can make things better for you by controlling yours. Goodness, I have seem some miserble women married to rich men that go out on them and treat them badly. Money is not the answer to everything. You are right about college. Some people need it and others don't. I have a cousin that has a college education, he got tired of not making enough money, started a lawn care business in Vegas and my goodness he makes more money in a month than he did in a year. Do not feel guilty and do not allow your mother to put her anger on you. That does not mean you do not love her, just know she is wrong and she will never change and accept her for what she is. She will eventually accept you as you are, just be honest with her.. She threatened to kick you out but in the end did not.
Relax, know it will all be OK and you can not do anything about your mom, you are being honest, that is all you can do right now. Enjoy your week with your b/f and your family. Do what you want, do not feel guilty.
My mother told us we had a right to make our own mistakes, know they are our mistakes and we live with them and fix them. They are what builds character and makes us what we are today. Your mom is angry about her mistakes and does not want to see you make them, she just does not realize they were hers, not yours and she should grow from them. She thinks the mistake she made was no money. No, she married someone who had a drinking problem. Whole different story. Good luck have a fun week.

Thanks so much that was so helpful!

Well, honey, you are almost 18. If you want to pursue this relationship as an adult, then go ahead once you ARE an adult. Do be aware though, that it is essential that your boyfriend get a decent job with benefits in order to eventually support. As you stated,yourself, you cannot live on love. Every suitor is a potential mate, so chose wisely. You are the one that has to live with your decisions. Good luck honey.