Ahh... so he knows about me huh? :D (Total joke, no harm intended)Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
All right, so everything you are typing is confirming that this guy is a creep. Run, NOW!
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Ahh... so he knows about me huh? :D (Total joke, no harm intended)Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
All right, so everything you are typing is confirming that this guy is a creep. Run, NOW!
After going back and forth with myself, with the relationship, etc etc I just really took at good hard look at what was going on. This was ridiculous and I totally refused to spend the rest of my life beign controlled by someone, Living my life as someone else wanted me to or told me to... SCREW THAT!!Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
I wisened up and I left. The phoen calls I received were ridiculous (I got a new phone number because of it), he has told many stories about things that *I* did that *he* left me because of, blah blah blah...
He can live his insecure life with false stories and say whatever he wants about me... I am happy, I am free, I am out of his control... he is looking for his next "victim" I am sure
Just really ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of FOREVER... You what someone to tell you where you can go, who you can talk to, how you can look, how you can dress, basically treat you like you have no mind of your own and you have to listen to what they say? Please, just be strong, see the danger in this and move on without him
You need to get out of this relationship! I can see where this is going like a re-run of an old movie, playing out in my head! If he is acting like this in just 4 months, run like hell! This can escalate faster than you think, and IT WILL! You don't want to end up where I did, trust me you don't! It's not a lot of fun anymore when you are sitting in the emergency room on a Saturday night with a bunch of broken bones, because he "thought" you were flirting or talking to someone that he hadn't approved beforehand.
I have been through this! Your guy sounds like a carbon copy of my ex. I hear you saying everything that my ex would have done. If I didn't know better, I would say you are dating him! One thing that really stood out to me, is when you said that he "allows" you to tell him when he has gotten a call or message. He ALLOWS you? You have to ANNOUNCE who YOU are talking to? He has people CHECK UP on you? You have to ACCOUNT for your whereabouts and your behaviour when he isn't around?
These are classic textbook DANGER signs! RUN, DON'T WALK!
I am just so confused. I hear everything you all are saying. There are many valid points. When we first started dating I never thought I would be more serious with him and vice versa for him. I just don't understand where this behavior came from. He claimed left to right, up and down that he was NOT the jealous type. He still claims he wants me to go out and have a good time and NEVER to ask him to go anywhere.
Lol at KCTiger... Yes, I know your comment was harmless, funny, but harmless
He will say that... over and over and overQuote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
However...
Actions speak louder than words
Very few people admit their faults never mind telling you their psychotically jealous
The only sexual history type question I ever ask any girl is Do you get tested for STD's and HIV regularly. I think that is the only question anyone going into a new relationship should ask about sexual history. To this day I have no idea how many people my wife dated. The reason for that is it doesn't matter. She is with me and that is all that matter's.
In my opinion him wanting to know all that sexual history stuff borderline's on him being insane.
I am really disappointed. I was hoping my little instinct would be wrong and people were going to tell me that I am over reacting and to give the relationship time. Instead, everyone is saying RUN! I thought I had genuinely found a guy that loved me and cared for me and wanted no harm to come of me. I doubt I am just THAT HOT. Fiddle sticks...
Lol at spitvenom... I take it that is highly unusual??
Yes, you are hot (in the pic)... however don't strut your stuff around looking for guys to tell you that either. I almost get the sense you want guys around to validate how good you think you look.Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
That's the thing about instinct's they are usually correct.
Guys who want to know all the sexual history stuff are asking for trouble. Let me ask you did you tell him EVERYTHING about your sexual history?
NOT EVERYTHING, but more than I should. There are a few things I could have kept to myself. My mommy taught me early that some things should be kept private.
My ex thinks the only reason I want to go to the club is to have guys validate how attractive I am. I like attention when I get dressed up, but I don't crave it or need it...
Has he ever brought up anything about your past to like make you feel bad or guilty?
OH YES! Especially my most recent past relationship. I never hear the end of it. I am tired of him doing that. It makes me feel bad. He says he wants to humble me... then follows it up with a, "I am just kidding." or "I am sorry, that was mean and uncalled for." It was a badddddddddddddd past relationship. Different situation. I told him I don't like it but then I get that damn humbling response...
I am really sorry, but he is a egotistical, manipulative, overpowering control freak...
It will turn for the worse, you know this, please end it.
This is a way to control you. He says something to make you feel bad or sad about yourself or your past but then says it was a joke or he didn't mean it so you don't just leave or get mad. The past is the past and had nothing to do with him for him to throw it in your face and try to hide it as trying to make you humble is wrong.
I know some people will not agree with me but I found nothing wrong with wanting attention when you get dressed up. I don't spend $1,000 on a suit so I don't get noticed.
So you all think he doesn't love me AT ALL?? Why all the wining and dining if he doesn't care? He has spent A LOT of time and money on me... I don't want to make it seem as though he is a bag guy. I was out of town and he drove 3 hours to pick me up so I could make it back home safe and sound!! He gave my cousin 30 dollars worth of gas money when he was in town so we could go to his house for dinner ( it doesn't take 30 dollars to get there) and he took my cousin, his partner and I out to dinner. He bought me a new computer because he didn't like the fact that my other one was so slow and special ordered it for me. He bought me a new lock for my door because the new one is more safe. My dishwasher broke and I got a new one while I was out of town!
Money hides a lot of problems... take the sunglasses off and you will see reality for what it really is.
AmExp agrees: You are right, but it is so hard to leave someone you love and care for. Sorry to hear about the ER!! EEKS!
It is very hard to leave, but look at it this way--you've only got 4 months into this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I had 9 plus yrs. Into mine. I only wish I would've had the sense to leave in the beginning. The longer I stayed, the more control he took. It honestly got to the point where I can only liken it to a form of brainwashing. It's hard to explain, even to myself, but it almost got to be like one of those guys you see on TV that run cults. If someone would have told me I would have gotten involved with anything so abusive, I would have laughed in their face. I just "knew" I was more intelligent, and had more respect for myself than that.
Fast forward many years, and name a bone of mine that "hasn't" been broken. I know the emergency room Dr.'s by name! To this day, I still get C'mas cards from one of them for God sakes. The arthritis I have because of all of the broken bones is unbearable at times.
Everything I saw you write, even in your other threads, just brings me right back to where I was when I first started dating my ex, although he worked a little slower at his game of control. All of the gifts, the wkd getaways, the surprises, and the insistence of "paying for me," tranlated into him "owning" me! Before I knew it, my friends were gone, I wasn't allowed to go out with any friends I managed to hang onto, and my phone calls were monitored. But, how DARE I check his phone or ask questions about his whereabouts.
I even understand when you say that you feel that this is the best relationship you've ever been in! So did I! Oh, that first little while was fantastic, and I loved him with all of my heart. He was kind, caring, would do anything for me, treated me like a princess!---in the beginning.
So my advice to you, is to cut your losses early in the game. Will it hurt now? You bet! Will it hurt more if you stay? Probably more than you know. There are so many red flags here, and you are the bulls target.
Good luck!
Edit: I just read that you told him about things with your ex, and you never hear the end of it. Wow! Boy do I remember this!
I dunno KC. I paid for EVERYTHING in the last relationship. EVERYTHING! That guy was a class-a JERK. How is the money factor an issue?
BTW, my family LOVES HIM and all my friends but one like him as well. The one friend ironically thought he was controlling even after a month of dating... I haven't talked to her in over 2 months.
I am sorry to hear that Starbuck8! You are so strong to muster up the courage to leave. However, I am still waiting on the one response that could make a huge difference... WHAT MAKES ME SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER EXES (aside from youth because the 34 year old ex is in great physical shape)??
What is it that makes you so sure you are?Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
Sounds to me like he is trying to buy your love. You should really evaluate your relationship with him and ask yourself...
What do we REALLY have in common?
What does he do that makes me want to be with him(Pros)?
What does he do that makes me question his reasons for being with me (Cons)?
Write this down. This list might surprise you.
My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years... I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later?? You would remain madly in love with them?? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you?? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!
Thoughts?
This is as if I were typing it myself! (minus the physical abuse - I left after 5 years, he said there were times he wished he would have just hi tme... maybe I left before it actually progressed to that, but the mental abuse I suffered, the brainwashing, the emotional and verbal abuse... ugh, I was taken back there as soon as I read her story)Quote:
Originally Posted by starbuck8
People can see what he projects for them to see... they do NOT see what goes on "behind closed doors" so to speak
The fortunate thing is that he is seeking counseling ( before he started dating me) and I don't think that is a bad thing. I feel like maybe he is trying to sort his other issues out.
I do need to make a pros and cons list for sure...
NOTE: He did say one thing that was shocking about his ex/best friend: That he is trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... He is happy that she has finally moved on and is dating again and that she was not a good lover in the bedroom. Ok people... she is a 34 year old woman... not a child. He claims that if she acts like a child then he will treat her like one and that she should know better than to say or do some of the things she does.
Yes, I have thoughts.Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
I was in and out of my terribly controlling relationship for 5 years. The brainwashing has already begun on his BF from 12 years. He treated her the same, I am sure of it. Made her feel dependent on him, made her want more of the material things, of the being called hot etc etc, he made her believe HE WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. He maniputlated her, braiwashed her, and nw years later his mental games still have her thinking that what he did/said, how he acted was out of love and not out of shear wnjoyment of control and "ownership". It is a common thing, it is why I did not leave sooner, I thought we were truly in love and his actions were out of love, not out of control... I wanted to hang on to that love (addiction) when it was really just an way to control me...
I think amybe this relationship is suffering from the huge age gap. You are both at different parts of your lives.
You are in party, flirty, hang out at bars and club mode with friends.
He is in the I'm 36, I want to settle down, I want someone at home, I don't want to party all the time mode.
Both are very different. You still have a lot of growing to do, while he is done and pretty much set in his ways. This is something you need to think about...
Wow, this guy just told you all you need to know.Quote:
That he is trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... He is happy that she has finally moved on and is dating again and that she was not a good lover in the bedroom.
1. I am training some to be "better" for some one else. How much more controlling and manipulative can you get?
2. He is making comparisons between you and her IN BED! LOL!! Well that pretty much sums up why he is with you! Sounds to me like all this guy cares about, truly, is what happens in the sack.
He makes comments about your looks all the time. Tells you that you still need to work on things to look better. Constantly makes refferences about sexual history and past sex partners and their performance. Is constantly buying you things to keep you around.
Honestly, what does this guy have and do make you so sure that he is honestly with you for love and not sex??
Whoa... that's the definition of a male chauvanistic jerk. I tried seeing his side in this. Looking at it from his perspective. Playing devil's advocate.Quote:
NOTE: He did say one thing that was shocking about his ex/best friend: That he was trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... she is a 34 year old woman... not a child. He claims that she acts like a child at times and he will treat her like one and that she should know better.
But honestly, NO ONE should treat someone like this. Ever. That's a dangerous comment.
Controlling, manipulative people don't just "get better."
Maybe his exes "love" him because he bought them with pretty things and trips? Made them feel good?
Well what was her wake up call?? Since he took me with him to meet her at work she has backed off from him A LOT! She is much better and no longer negative about our relationship saying that I am going to leave him and how he will come running back to her when he is bored and lonely. Now, she tells him to calm down and be patient with me...
HistorianChick: He typically falls for girls who come from wealthy families or who are successful in their jobs. Again, his wife is a physician who happened to make a nice six-figure salary (seeing that not all physicians do). Apparently, she was very controlling over how the money was allocated and felt like he was spending more then she was comfortable with. He felt as though a part of his manhood was being taken away by asking his WIFE for funds to do the simple things. It seemed like an odd relationship. He played the trophy husband and she was the total package ( so so on the looks).
Sound like all he cares about is the physical things and money... while manipulating and controlling you. You're playing right in to his game.
That is eerie. I hope that is not true. I would have like to assume there was some respect and love involved... he just seems like a great guy. He is such a good father!
WHILE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I keep having this dream that if I were to leave him or something bad were to happen that he would choke me or something... not sure why because I do not feel threatened being with him and he would probably cry if I told him that ( he is a VERY sensitive man).
This thread was over 6 pages ago... you have a decision to make, or at least, to think about. His actions, and his words, need to be lined up...
Carry on... :cool:
That dream comes because that is honestly what you feel in your subconcious... Like I said you know deep down something is wrong... stop it while it is still early on (4 months as opposed to years)
I lost my internet connection for awhile. Anyway, in answer to your question that if he was "completely abusive" to his ex would she still remain friends with him? ABSOLUTELY! That is part of the control! This is as clear as the day is long to me. I guess this is so obvious to me, because I've lived it! It's all part of the game! I actually have no doubt in my mind--and I'm not being flippant here--that he was abusive to his ex's. I can only imagine what you would hear if you had the opportunity to sit down and talk with one of these women. I did, after the fact. He swore that he was wonderful to them, and they just didn't appreciate his efforts. I was the one that appreciated him, and gave him the love and support he needed. When I sat down with one of these women, their story echoed mine to a tee! It doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides!Quote:
Originally Posted by AmExp
KC, with all due respect, and I'm sure you know that your advice here is valued, I have seen the NC threads go on and on. There has been at least 3, with 1500 posts each. This is not just something that should just be a simple "roll your eyes" and leave already-- situation. Until you've been in a controlling relationship, you don't understand the dynamics. It's a very hard situation to deal with. I'm having a bit of a hard time explaining how this is a different thing between men and women, but it really is.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
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