Ask Me Help Desk - Another "I need space" victim

ka1 - read the stickies at the top of the forum, they helped and are helping a lot going through my break up

You have to accept how they feel, because they is nothing you can do to change how they feel or to show them that actually they are making the worst decision. In actual fact that thought has probably already gone through her head and she has already prepared herself for that but at the same time she cannot deny her feelings and right now her feelings aren't with you.

You have to tell yourself that

1. I respect her decision
2. I respect her feelings
3. Feelings change and you cannot change this
4. I can and have to move on
5. Something better IS out there
6. This is a process, not an overnight change
7. Keeping busy is the best thing for you
8. Not talking to her is putting yourself forward which you haven't been doing
9. You are a MAN
10. Ultimately, you deserve better and therefore can and are fine without her and don't NEED anyone in your life.

Good luck :)

I think we all feel your hurt as you were together a long time, so its understandable that your really hurt and will need a long time to get it back together. Hell, the shock doesn't seem to have worn off yet. Hang in there, it takes time.

My HEAD IS EXPLODING, you won't believe this.

Ok, okaaay. What I’m about to relate in this post now is something that has left me speechless. I was answering a post at another site about my ex’s reaction to my past V-day things I did for her, and a little about how her co-workers related to me. So, for course, my curiosity got the best of me as I was writing, and so I went to the site for the show she works on. And she has two segments she's done about Valentines stuff, including a fabulous wedding gift ideas. And the idea she gave is something I gave from that first Valentines Day!!

But wait there’s more… I look at he whole segment, and now only does she talk about the gift idea, A message in a bottle, but has the actual gift as a prop, on the show! And just mentions in pasting that it is something she got as a gift in the past. AND then precedes to give another idea—the Love Hunt. WHICH I DID FOR HER!

How the hell do people do this? I don’t understand remotely what’s going on in the head. I mean, she can't not think of me with that. I'm the one she got the damn idea from, cause I gave it to her it. How do you go from I don't want to get married or talk to me, and three weeks later you talking about wedding stuff using material that by all rights should make wish to be around me, cause I gave you what you're talking about. Am I crazy here, cause my head is about to explode. I'm not even going to talk about the lingerie segment.

You're not crazy, just feeling lots of emotion right now.

Take a deep breath. Relax. Clear your head. Close your eyes, and think only about taking slow deep breaths for 1 minute.

Ok, so I can understand how you're feeling the way you're feeling but I have to say you kind of asked for it here...

What's going on in her head? Truth is only she knows. Could we take a guess? Sure, but that's a waste of time and in the end doesn't really matter. Sorry to say it but it sounds like she's already moved on and that's why she can act the way she's acting.

This is a perfect example of why its so important to maintain No Contact in all respects. Sorry to be harsh but its something you need to hear.

Oh be quiet I knew someone was going to say something like that. Lol

Okay, you want the truth, no sugarcoating?

What's the big deal? It was a good idea, she had to have a good idea for her show so she used it, doesn't mean she's thinking about you or wants you back.

It is what it is, get over it.

Hey ka1, you've given some pretty decent advice from what I've seen in some other posts. I'm just giving you the swift boot to the rear you so need right now...

I just hope that if and when the time comes, you'll give me the kick in the pants I need too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

doesn't mean she's thinking about you or wants you back.

It is what it is, get over it.

That's at best self-absorbed and at worse not human.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ka1

That's at best self-absorbed and at worse not human.

No, not really, it just is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

No, not really, it just is.

Oh OK, so all behaviors are no beg deal because it is what it is? What does that even mean? There seems to be a bit of shallow quality to what you're saying. I can't hear your voice, so I don't know. But if I'm correct in saying you don't think this should bother me, or is a odd, then I think you're incorrect. I've related this to a number of people, and they are a bit shocked.

It means that you're reading too much into it, get over it, move on, and forget about it.

Yes, sometimes it just is what it is!

ka1, I'm a little lost as to what you're really upset about... as far as the post and the responses that you're getting.

My ex tells people about the things I've done for her, and doesn't give me credit... but the thing is, you gave these things as a GIFT. GIFTS are pretty much just that. They're GIFTS. You give them out of your own generosity, not expecting absolutely anything in return, including credit.

Besides, how awkward would the show be if she came on the segment and said, "Oh, my ex got me these..."

... right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

ka1, I'm a little lost as to what you're really upset about...as far as the post and the responses that you're getting.

My ex tells people about the things I've done for her, and doesn't give me credit...but the thing is, you gave these things as a GIFT. GIFTS are pretty much just that. They're GIFTS. You give them out of your own generosity, not expecting absolutely anything in return, including credit.

Besides, how awkward would the show be if she came on the segment and said, "Oh, my ex got me these..."

...right?

Aah, I see what you mean. I can't explain it I guess. It just seems odd that you don't want me, or don't want to be with me on V-day, and then go talk about all this stuff I did with and for you. And to her co-workers who all know who gave her that stuff, it seems weird and off putting to me. Maybe... maybe if this had been a yr from now or something, but three weeks.

I'm not built that way. If I'm in her position, and I'm calling that person. I just can't explain it to guys in a rational way. But my skin is crawling from it. Has been all night.

I thought this person was your ex? If she's your ex, why would she want to be with you or spend time with you?

Perhaps she's better at keeping her personal life and her job separate.

Then she's got no business talking about anything related to us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ka1

Then she's got no business talking about anything related to us.

She didn't talk about the two of you. She has detached herself from you and showed off some neat ideas for V Day. That's all she did. You're not even in the picture.

Actually, BECAUSE she didn't talk about you, you are upset.

She didn't talk about YOU or when you two were together. She talked about something that was DONE when you two were together. Just because she loved pizza when she was with you, doesn't mean she can't eat pizza now.

I know it sounds harsh, but you have to look at this logically.

I've had a few exes in my life, and a few have hurt me quite a bit. But I know that one of my exes still wear the jewelry I bought her... because that would be stupid for her to not wear it... she wears it because she likes it, not because she thinks about me.

Same with me. My exes got me a few clothes; this doesn't mean I can't wear them because it makes me think about her...

I don't think the two are remotely the same. But if what you saying is true, then the words I have for her, I'm not going to repeat here on the board. But they are not nice,

I understand that you're upset, but what I'm trying to tell you is that right now, because you are upset, you are not being logical about this. You say that she has no business talking about you two, but what I'm saying is, why not? She was in the relationship as well. You didn't own the rights of the relationship, she was a partner in it. When you two ended it, you both took a part of it.

Just because you two are now over doesn't mean she has to do a certain thing the way you want her to, and the same with you. Different people have different ways of getting over the other.

I'm not saying that this is her way of getting over you, but what I'm saying is that she is mentioning these things because they were nice things you've done for her, and she thinks these are great ideas. From this, I can guess, you can indirectly gather that she's appreciative of the things you've done and thinks/thought of you as a great boyfriend.

Just because things ended the way they ended doesn't abolish the good things.

If this girl did something absolutely wonderful for you, and a female friend asked you what she could do to surprise her boyfriend, wouldn't you start with, "Well, once my ex did...?"

I'm a true believer that we all live many lives. What we experience in one part of our lives carries over to the next chapter. Her taking these ideas and using them is not a bad thing - we all do this one way or another everyday of our lives.

Just like the lessons we learn from prior relationships, we will apply them to the next.

Well I geuss we will have to disagree. I don't think this is the same, there is a detachment there that is insulting.

I understand that, and this feeling won't go away until you are over her. I feel that after you're over her, and you deal with the breakup, you can look back and realize how silly getting upset over this is.

I wish you the best bud.

Its for this reason we tell you to not sniff behind an ex. You might not like what they are doing, without you.

While I understand you being upset, you must know your own actions (sniffing behind her ) has led to this.

You must accept you cannot control her actions, but you can control your own, and that means giving yourself a chance to heal, so you can put things in there proper perspective.

Your not the first one who cannot grasp the concept of No Contact, nor the first to put themselves through misery and pain, by keeping contact. Takes time you'll get it, as there are a lot of stubborn people who have come here before you did, with the same stubborn attitude.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its for this reason we tell you to not sniff behind an ex. You might not like what they are doing, without you.

While I understand you being upset, you must know your own actions (sniffing behind her ) has led to this.

You must accept you cannot control her actions, but you can control your own, and that means giving yourself a chance to heal, so you can put things in there proper perspective.

Your not the first one who cannot grasp the concept of No Contact, nor the first to put themselves thru misery and pain, by keeping contact. Takes time you'll get it, as their are a lot of stubborn people who have come here before you did, with the same stubborn attitude.

Perspective... how this for perspective. I found out my uncle died last night while I was whaling away on the key boards. I'm not very close to a lot of my family members, but I was to this side of the family, and this hit me because it was sudden. He had been battling cancer a yr ago, but had gotten it out of his system, last summer. He was well enough to walk around and went on a family reunion cruise, that I was the only family member not to go on. So he was not sick any more.

Or so I believed. Actually the cancer had come back in Dec. And the last time I spoke to him 3 weeks ago, he sounded fine to me, but he knew time was short, and so didn't tell me anything when I called to tell him that my engagement was off. Rather than tell me, he and my aunt decided to talk to me, and try and console me instead. My uncle was dying, knew it, and decided to try and help me through my pain. I don't even know how to deal with that knowledge let alone the anguish I feel over not going on that cruise.

I'm done with situation regarding my ex. It's time I moved on.

I may have totally missed something, but it seems you may be beating yourself up (and her) too much.

I know you are pissed and they are NOT her ideas and she DID CHEAT but if she chose to do it, it's her call...

Unless you want to get a lawyer and sue her on hearsay all you can do is tell her you know and you think her profiting of your ideas is offensive.

After that, it's kind of out of your hands...

Why get upset about it?its done now. Anyway when you gave her the gift you pretty much gave her the idea, in future may you should patent any other gift ideas you have!

It wasn't using the idea that upset me. Doesn't matter now anyway, I got heavier family stuff to deal with.

I think you should be happy that your gift was such a good idea that she is re-using it and showing it off. You can defintiely re-use the gift idea in your next relationship and know it will work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

I think you should be happy that your gift was such a good idea that she is re-using it and showing it off. You can defintiely re-use the gift idea in your next relationship and know it will work.

NEXT RELATIONSHIP?? I'm giving up women!! :p:D

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None of this is working. I still feel like a freakin little baby cause I want to cry every freakin night. I mean I can't even work out without feeling like I'm going to break down. What the hell.

I guess what helped me so far is, I have taken her off that pedestal that I had my ex on. Try thinkiing maybe of all the memory's you guys have had and start thinking of some of that bad things she has done, or the way she has treated you in the past. I mean if she loved you she would be with you, Be pissed about that and say screw her, she's the one that is missing out and losing something special. Because honestly you seem like a good person, so yeah she is the one missing out. You need to realize and accept it is over though and just move on, and have a positive outlook. Know that yes it sucks now but in time I will find someone better then her. Take her off that pedestal you have her on though.

Also I would recommend the movie forgetting sarah marshall, sounds stupid but it really helps a lot. I mean yeah it's a movie and its not all true, but ut makes you feel like there is hope.

We all have these days, been having a bad spell myself recently. This too will pass. Time will heal.

What helped me today was to think "I don't need her in my life"... until the feeling to break something/cry/call them subsides.

It's hard. We've all been there and like never says, we all have our bad days. The truth is, you just got to find out what works for you. It's going to take a while and it'll hurt like hell, but you'll get through it.

What worked for me? I worked out ALL the time and picked up as many patrol shifts as I could until I got it off my mind... but what works for me, might not work for you.

Honestly, you'll find your own way to get over it and when you do, you'll know it. My ex and I have been broken up for almost 6 months and I still have moments from time to time even though I know that I'm happier without her.

Just hang in there, you'll get it!

Your countless threads are starting to really wear me down. I KNOW you are hurting. You have just gotten out of a 7 year relationship (correct me if I am wrong). It won't be easy. The BEST thing for you to do is go through this rough time of crying like a "baby." Trust me my friend, you will soon cry enough that you get tired of it.

You cannot expect this to pass quickly. It will be a long, drawn out process of emotions that you have very little control over. It does no good to keep them in, so let them out, ALL of them. Don't worry that you don't have "hope" yet or that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. This journey, the "healing process," if you will, is LONG, and it is meant to go through steps, that quite honestly, you WILL NOT want to endure, but that is what makes it worth it.

Patience... if you don't have it, you WILL learn it, because that is the key factor and driving force in getting through this. You have to have patience! Trust me... after a few months go by, you will come on here, look at your past posts, and realize how far you truly have come. Your journey is guided by others on here who know EXACTLY what you are going through... so, have faith, if nothing else, that we know you are hurting, and that we KNOW you will get better.

its annoying isn't it :) it will pass though

I have said what the hell so many times
after my relationships

I mean its amazing how much things can effect us.

you just got out of a 7 year relationship that's not an easy thing to get over so feel your pain and move on =)

it will happen

best of lucl

It will take time to feel right again. Just let all of your emotions out. Don't hold them in. If you need to cry... cry. If you need to talk to someone (NOT the ex) then do so. It will take a long time for you to get over this after such a long attachment to someone.

It is only natural you feel this way. It will get better as long as you give yourself enough time to do so.

You are going through a grieving process.Process being the key word.
Stay on track and keep trying to heal and one day you will notice ,you went an hour without pining over her.The next day you might think of her all day.You can't just throw in the towel.

Talk to yourself.Create a new inner dialogue that says* I am strong,I am worthy,I can do this*.

This is a learning experience,try to grasp what it is you are learning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ka1

it wasn't using the idea that upset me. Doesn't matter now anyway, I got heavier family stuff to deal with.

What sort of family problems are you having?

I know when it rains, it pours!:confused:

You need to basically give yourself a month for every six you were together to get it out of your system in an immediate sense. Add another month for being engaged. You were together seven years.

It could be over a year before you feel free of it all. Take your time. You haven't been out of it for even a month yet.