Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

So you want to stay in a relationship, no matter how bad it is, because you feel the love will come back? Are you serious? Quit comparing people who are married for a long amount of time to every relationship. MOST relationships END, period. MOST people are not right for each other, period. That is the most naive statement or post I have read in a long time.

Fact: People fall out of love! It happens. Anyone blind to that fact clearly needs to re-evaluate their stance.

---

Then the idea that you will find the right person is a falsehood. Think about what you’re saying for a minute here. If most relationships fail, then that means ALL relationships, including the ones in the future, will mostly likely fail. So where does the leave the whole, “If its meant to be” crap, or “don’t worry about losing this one man, the right one is coming along.” Those are to opposed views. There are the “right ones” out there, then by definition there is something that has to happen in order for it to last, like goddamn commitment. Not the Universe just making this work magically. And working on it means not “falling out of love” all the darn time.

Naïveté’s is not the issue here. The simple fact that people very often just give up. If there was something about you or some girl that made you in love to begin with then unless there has been a major life change, that person is still there and you should commit to reigniting the love if it has waned. If the relationship is bad, cheating, abuse, incompatibility, that is one thing, but most relationships do not end because of those things, especially LTR.

I’m sick of people just giving up.

Giving up? It isn't about giving up, it is about being happy. You sit here and spout the BS about giving up, yet you create a post that is about nothing but GIVING UP! This woe is me crap is getting old. Get out of yourself pity. This is life, some things just don't work out. Love shouldn't be extremely hard, and when it gets to a point of constant wear and tear, then rather than fighting for something that doesn't seem to be there, the couple should probably just move on, as they, in the end, just weren't compatible.

This is your life here. You should be happy, and if you aren't happy, then find something else. I can see, that in a marriage, YES, you should do everything you can to salvage it, but not in a relationship. The chemistry of couples change, fact. Don't lay that whole, "she gave up on me" crap on this. Take the self pity elsewhere. You think that when people get married they plan on getting divorced? People try, over and over again, to make things work, but you can't fight life.

Quote:

---

It's like saying a bird is not a bird any more. It seems nonsensical to me.

---

Try looking at the bird this way, it grows up and leaves the nest and faces life away from its parents. Still a bird, just older and more independent.

Quote:

---

you ask yourself and tell me, how have people that are married stayed married for 25,30, and 40+ years

---

You stay together by working together and GROWING TOGETHER.

Life throws many things at us, and as we get older, and more experienced we handle things differently. All humans change at some point, but I think the partners that stay together and are happy, deal with there situations together, for the benefit of them both.

Just need to point out, even when we disagree, the wife and I still love each other, and that's never been a question. So there is no need to even worry about the grass being greener in someone else's yard, but in taking care of our own.

Long term partners work well together, no matter what the problem is.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JTS31708

Today i went over like she told me to then blew me off and didnt give me the time of day to express the way i feel so i can let everything out and move on with my life! I ended up going over(she wasnt home) her mom and i talked and it made me feel alot better and i gave her stuff that was at my house and a teddy bear that i was going to give her for valentines day there was no need in keeping it so i gave it and left i cried in the car for about 10 min but after wards i felt alot better and now i feel so much better and am ready to move on with my life if she trys to talk to me again it probably wont happen... if i ever decide to let it work again things will go very very slowly but for right now i feel great or at least better then last week!

---

Once you have accepted that this thing is over you can look forward and not back. Glad you feel better, and you will see that there is a lot to be happy about, as your free to be happy, and seek what life has to offer.

NO CONTACT for any reason what so ever.

Both parties have to put forth the effort to make a relationship, and marriage, work. If one is not putting in the work, while the other takes up the slack... that is where problems arise. Love and relationships are a two way street, meaning both parties have to be equally committed to make it work. If one isn't it won't work.

This all doesn't happen over night. Sometimes it takes months or years before one person or the other calls it quits. I think that people rarely give up, they just reach a breaking point where they question their happiness being with the other person.

There is no reason on this earth to suffer in a relationship if you are unhappy. If you try and can't make it work... then it's time to make the tough decision to leave.

When the a person comes along and everything comes naturally, (love, commitment, happyness, communication, and compromise) then you have something very special.

KC is right in the fact that these things should not be hard to work towards when you are with the right person. Why? The other person is working for them along with you. It's called teamwork. It makes everything easier.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

So there is no need to even worry about the grass being greener in someone elses yard, but in taking care of our own.

Long term partners work well together, no matter what the problem is.

---

And that's my point. IN a LTR its not about your happiness, its about the happiness of your parnter. And vice versa. A relationship hits lull or something and now you're not happy, so I'll just leave. To feel better you say it was not meant to be. To me that’s the real self pity. Thinking you or the other person had no control over the situation, and it just had to be that way. That may be true for 6 month or 1yr relationships. But for relationships two plus yrs or longer, and marriages, your happiness is in your control.

Flat out me and my ex were compatible in every possible way. What happened then, well its clear she just gave up. If I had her attitude, then 4 yrs ago when I felt I was unhappy I would have slept with someone and just said, I’m not happy. I would have left, and not instead looked at the relationship and all the positive things that were still present, and out weighted what was happening at the present moment at that time.

I also understand where Ka1 is coming from. When I first broke up with my girlfriend, I had that mentality, like, "How could she give up on me?"

I think, over time, you start to realize that both parties played a hand in the demise of the relationship, and I totally commend her for ending a relationship that hadn't been working for a long time.

Just need to point out, even when we disagree, the wife and I still love each other, and that's never been a question. So there is no need to even worry about the grass being greener in someone elses yard, but in taking care of our own.

Long term partners work well together, no matter what the problem is.[/QUOTE]

The grass grows greener where it is watered.

Reality- people grow, and change, and sometimes they grow apart. Even after 30 years.

Placing blame, and fault changes nothing, only delays the learning and healing.

There are no right, or wrong, answers when that happens, thats entirely up to the two partners.

Late last night my ex texted me after a few days of me going NC and her friend or someone she kind of knew at her school passed away due to heart failure. I know its very sad but this is what she wrote me it was basically an apology of some sort... "I dont want to be mad at you now or ever, i just had a friend pass away tonight so im sorry i made you upset about everything". IMO it seems like she is feeling guilty and in a way using this to say sorry in some way( I did not text back). Am I wrong for not doing so or what should I do or say?

She is trying to use the excuse of her friend dying to get in touch with you in order to try and relieve her guilt. You did the right thing. Notice she said

Quote:

---

I don't want to be mad at you now or ever

---

Why should she be mad at you? She wanted this, not you. If anyone should be mad, its you! She is only thinking of herself. Don't give in.

That's what I was thinking as well she is basically trying to apologize for hurting me and all. I talked to some of my buddies and my cousin and they said the same thing that she is using it as a way to relieve her guilt.

Thanks

At least she is feeling that she is guilty.this is important. Don't contact her.stay strong,that's why we are men.and that's why they are women,to make us things more difficult.if she contacted you once she is going to do it again.be indiferent.dont contact her.ignore her.it will help you to gain power over her and maybe in the end you will be the one to decide about your relationship,not her.be patient and wait.everything is going to get better even if you have to live without her.

Should I have said happy valentines day to her yesterday (I didnt) just wanted to know some other people thoughts.. Also her birthday and mine are coming up in march should I say happy birthday to her or keep going NC?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JTS31708

Should i have said happy valentines day to her yesterday (i didnt) just wanted to know some other people thoughts.. Also her birthday and mine are coming up in march should i say happy birthday to her or keep going NC?

---

NOPE

And

NOPE

No. Valentines day is for couples... you're not with her. B-Day, well that is up to you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JTS31708

Should i have said happy valentines day to her yesterday (i didnt) just wanted to know some other people thoughts.. Also her birthday and mine are coming up in march should i say happy birthday to her or keep going NC?

---

I was not going to contact me ex,but I did let her know about the death in my family. Only because of the dynamic. She spent a good amount of time with my uncle and aunt in question. Of course she gave the I still love and care for you line. I just need to have time away from the relationship in order to evaluate it and my life.

Whatever. Her B-day is coming up to, but I'm not going to call. Assuming we both need to not call.

Don't contact her even if it is her birthday.I did the same thing.I didn't contact my ex neither for the new year's day nor for her birthday.she doesn't need you to wish her "happy birthday".thats all.

And they don't deserve to wish them "happy birthday"

Good point! Because she basically is the one who gave up on our relationship so I shouldn't have to say anything. I am doing better so far but every now and then she comes into my head and I just keep waiting for a text or something for her to say sorry and stuff like that but the last text I got from her was about her friend and her saying sorry about getting me upset about the whole thing

I know inside of me I still do not want to let go of her especially since it is really easy to fix! But I guess I will just continue NC until one day she realizes (if she does) that she made a mistake with giving up on me and not wanting to work it out. And if that day does come I will not give in that easily I will take it very slowly with her to make sure that my heart does not get broken again! It just sucks losing someone that you have done everything with and everything for and both loved each other so much and it just ends so simple like that.

You echo my sentiments. Its amazing how people can just screw things up worse, by giving up

I hate to disagree but I just got to. You are playing games and trying to manipulate the situation. Just be truthful and real. If you want to see her on her birthday, see her, want to call her, then call her. I just believe that a "mature" relationship is one that people aren't playing the hard to get game.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cozyk

I hate to disagree but I just gotta. You are playing games and trying to manipulate the situation. Just be truthful and real. If you want to see her on her birthday, see her, want to call her, then call her. I just believe that a "mature" relationship is one that people aren't playing the hard to get game.

---

That's what I'm saying but a lot of people on here say go NC and that's the best way to go I want us to work again and go back out because its easy to fix if I keep going NC she might just forget about me and I don't want that

Just be honest and follow your heart. Don't do it to the point that SHE is playing games and you get taken advantage of. If she starts doing that just say, "here's the deal, I like you a lot and would love to spend more time with you. If you feel the same way, great, let's do it. If you are going to be playing with my heart by running hot and cold, depending on what else you have going on, then count me out. End of story. That way there is no guess work. It is what it is. I would respect a guy that said something like that to me. It's a man who knows his own heart and mind, has set his boundaries and, is capable of being a good partner, but won't be toyed with.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cozyk

I hate to disagree but I just gotta. You are playing games and trying to manipulate the situation. Just be truthful and real. If you want to see her on her birthday, see her, want to call her, then call her. I just believe that a "mature" relationship is one that people aren't playing the hard to get game.

---

If the relationship did not break over fundamental compatibly issues than the person leaving is being immature. Some may disagree, because there's seems to be a lot of people that just think a break-up is meant to be; which is false. Problems and challenges arise in any relationship, and many people take the easy way out. Very often because of this cultural belief (this is my speculative thesis) that if its meant to be, it will just happen.

NC very often makes me questions what they did. It is not manipulative, its just that people do make mistakes, and in relationship where one person is taking the other for granted or gotten comfortable, or things there is greener grass elsewhere, the disconnection helps hammer the point home that they screwed up.

Now here's the problem for guys like me and JST, that has no bearing on what we have to do to survive the break-up. NC can become a mute point because by the time it "works" we have moved on, or don't quite trust or feel secure that they won't do it again. I know for myself that 1. I can hold grudges, 2. I would not feel totally secure in the relationship, which will cause me to act in ways that would hurt it. So either way, I'm stuck with her bad decision, and the pain I have to deal with from it.

Quote:

---

JTS31708;1550017, I know inside of me I still do not want to let go of her especially since it is really easy to fix!

---

That's your side of things, but obviously she doesn't agree.

Quote:

---

But I guess I will just continue NC until one day she realizes (if she does) that she made a mistake with giving up on me and not wanting to work it out.

---

What if that day never comes? What will you be doing in the meantime?

Quote:

---

And if that day does come I will not give in that easily I will take it very slowly with her to make sure that my heart does not get broken again!

---

IF that day comes?? Again how long do you think that will be?

Quote:

---

It just sucks losing someone that you have done everything with and everything for and both loved each other so much and it just ends so simple like that.

---

I agree there, it does suck, but the bigger question is what are you going to do about it?

Quote:

---

That's what I'm saying but a lot of people on here say go NC and that's the best way to go I want us to work again and go back out because its easy to fix if i keep going NC she might just forget about me and i don't want that

---

You go NC to heal and see reality and make better decisions for yourself based on facts and not just feelings. Right now your feelings are blinding you to the facts,
She dumped you
She gave up on the relationship, because HER feelings have changed.
So it simply ends, just like that.

But until you accept it, you cannot move ahead in the healing process.

Quote:

---

Ka1;1550378, If the relationship did not break over fundamental compatibly issues than the person leaving is being immature. Some may disagree, because there's seems to be a lot of people that just think a break-up is meant to be; which is false. Problems and challenges arise in any relationship, and many people take the easy way out. Very often because of this cultural belief (this is my speculative thesis) that if its meant to be, it will just happen.

---

You forget the obvious, sometimes feelings die, fade, or just CHANGE. That's what humans do, they feel, and they change.

Quote:

---

NC very often makes me questions what they did. It is not manipulative, its just that people do make mistakes, and in relationship where one person is taking the other for granted or gotten comfortable, or things there is greener grass elsewhere, the disconnection helps hammer the point home that they screwed up.

---

Or it allows you to heal, after a break up, so you can deal with the reality of the situation, after the emotional dust settles.

Quote:

---

Now here's the problem for guys like me and JST, that has no bearing on what we have to do to survive the break-up. NC can become a mute point because by the time it "works" we have moved on, or don't quite trust or feel secure that they won't do it again. I know for myself that 1. I can hold grudges, 2. I would not feel totally secure in the relationship, which will cause me to act in ways that would hurt it. So either way, I'm stuck with her bad decision, and the pain I have to deal with from it

---

NC is what helps you get over it, and deal in a positive realistic way, all the points you bring up. And just because you say your partner made a bad decision by dumping you, to them it was a good decision. Unless they come back and tell you otherwise.

Nothing wrong with being stubborn, just know when to quit. Being dumped doesn't have to be a bad thing, just a realization that something has changed and you need to make some adjustments to cope with those changes.

talaniman,

I believe you are making the fundamental mistake I'm seeing on this board and others; and maybe its more of a different world view. A crack addict thinks it's the right decision to get high, but its not. And we all know that. Just because someone thinks they made the right choice, does not mean they did. In fact, people make poor decisions more often than good one in general. I sickens me to hear people say, "she made the right choice, so understand that," or something similar. The reason so many people do feel like they made a mistake by leaving their ex's that were good, is precisely because they realize they made mistake. Which means by definition is was a mistake to break-up from jump.

Your assertion that feelings do change is true only to a certain degree. How can I say that. I go back to my earlier posts about married couples. If you get married at 25, and stay married until a spouse dies at 75, that's 50yrs. It is a definitive fact that each person's feelings for the other has waxed and waned at different times in 50yrs. That's just the nature of human relationships, but they did not break-up. Why? Well there can be a lot good reasons, but 1 is always going to be an understanding that you look past your feelings of the moment.

I'm telling you if basic, fundamental compatibility is in the relationship, changed feelings may be why a person decides to give up, but it is not a reason to break-up. The rough patch will disappear. If it didn't then there would be very few couples married for 30 plus years. You have to look at the successful ones, and realize they experienced the same thing the people who broke-up did, but choose a better way to deal, than running away.

talaniman, the next love relationship you have, or you just going to pack in the 1st time your "feelings" are different? Come on, man you got to do better than that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ka1

talaniman,

I believe you are making the fundamental mistake I'm seeing on this board and others; and maybe its more of a different world view. A crack addict thinks its the right decision to get high, but its not. And we all know that. Just because someone thinks they made the right choice, does not mean they did. In fact, people make poor decisions more often than good one in general. I sickens me to hear people say, "she made the right choice, so understand that," or something similar. The reason soo many people do feel like they made a mistake by leaving their ex's that were good, is precisely because they realize they made mistake. Which means by definition is was a mistake to break-up from jump.

Your assertion that feelings do change is true only to a certain degree. How can I say that. I go back to my earlier posts about married couples. If you get married at 25, and stay married until a spouse dies at 75, that's 50yrs. It is a definitive fact that each person's feelings for the other has waxed and waned at different times in 50yrs. That's just the nature of human relationships, but they did not break-up. Why? Well there can be a lot good reasons, but 1 is always going to be an understanding that you look past your feelings of the moment.



I'm telling you if basic, fundamental compatibility is in the relationship, changed feelings may be why a person decides to give up, but it is not a reason to break-up. The rough patch will disappear. If it didn't then there would be very few couples married for 30 plus years. You have to look at the successful ones, and realize they experienced the same thing the people who broke-up did, but choose a better way to deal, than running away.

talaniman, the next love relationship you have, or you just gonna pack in the 1st time your "feelings" are different? Come on, man you gotta do better than that.

---

I've been married for over 28 years and you are absolutely right about feelings waxing and waning. We could have been divorced and re-married 15 times if we just followed our feelings at the time.

I agree but what should I do about it I told her I'm going to give her space like 2 weeks or so like I said. But afterwards how should I go and approach her or start to communicate again. Part of me wants to see if she realizes that she made a mistake after a rebound or something and the other part wants me to take action and try to start talking to her again.

Hi there its very hard for us women sometimes and we just need some breathing space . If you leave her alone for a while ,you will be giving her what she needs and that way if she is missing you she will be back . She sounds confused and needs to go out and have fun .hopefully if she is in love with you she will come back to you . Believe me and be possitie great things happen to peoplle who are passiant.

Quote:

---

Talaniman, the next love relationship you have, or you just going to pack in the 1st time your "feelings" are different? Come on, man you got to do better than that.

---

I have been married more than 30 years, and know full well how people can either work at it, or just give up. What you propose is to fix it, and that's great if your partner is willing. But if they are not, what are you going to do about it? I asked this before and got no answer.

I have seen your reaction, and JTS's many times, and its natural when humans become attached but can't let go. Been there done that, its called denial. You will work through it, we all do. It's a part of the healing process, which it seems your going to have to learn the hard way.

One thing though most successful marriages, and relationships are about partners who resolve their issues through honest communications, and are WILLING to work together for the benefit of both. Without that from both partners, you have no relationship.

Its fact, most relationships end any way, as we grow, and learn until we find someone who fits well, and is more compatible and in tune with with us.

Now you think you can fix everything with an UNWILLING partner? Try, and let me know how miserable, and confused you are.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JTS31708

I agree but what should i do about it i told her im going to give her space like 2 weeks or so like i said. But afterwards how should i go and approach her or start to communicate again. Part of me wants to see if she realizes that she made a mistake after a rebound or something and the other part wants me to take action and try to start talking to her again.

---

Leave her alone, and let her make her own decision, without your influence. In the meantime work on you and heal. Then you can take it from there, and see what life has for you. I understand your feelings, it sucks to be dumped. But life does move forward, and get better. Just take one thing at a time, and deal with it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JTS31708

I decided not to go but now im stuck with a $50 teddy bear and i dont have the reciept lol Im going to give her time for a while!

---

DO NOT ever give her this bear and stop wasting your money. The bear is just more game playing, manipulating etc..

SHE texted you after a death. She wanted to make contact with you. That is what tells me that it is one of these two things...
1. She is not feeling so cocky after being brought down by someone's death and feels the need to turn to someone she considers a true "heart to heart" person in her life.

2. She has a lot of maturing to do and is just using you in her down and out moments to cheer her and possibly puff up her ego.

Either way, you know what YOU feel. I would present it to her in a matter of fact way. Exactly as I said in an earlier post. That is IF she makes contact with you again. That will open the door for you to state your case without you seeking her out. You can tell her what you want and still hold onto your dignity if you do it the right way.

Well I was on aim and my ex tried to start a conversation with me and I kept it very short I said hey what's up, she asked me what I was doing I said just got out of the shower and she said I'm getting ready for tomorrow, and I said that's cool well I have to go to bed night. I ended it like that is that OK to have a short conversation and not get into things?

Better to have no conversation, but you have to start somewhere.

So if she tries to contact me again in anyway either email, aim, call, or text should I ignore it or at least have a short conversation with her? I don't want to be rude about things and not to ever see her again. I feel a lot better now since I've been having a good time with friends and all so I don't see why I shouldn't at least have convos with her short ones though! I Won't contact her only when she tries to talk to me is when I think I should

This is not going to work. You need to go NC, you are not her door mat, Move on