Well my ex basically came in and said "going to bed"... I just said night and he's gone in the bedroom. I wanted to be more hurt because he didn't spend any time with me... but for now... I know I have to let him be. Spoke to a friend online who said that I have to give him time to remember me... it would work best if I could leave but this is the best I can do until I move out. Not give him any part of me beyond just a simple greeting and polite exchanges. He made promises to me during Christmas... wonderful home movies were made and nice presents were exchanged. Now in only a month... it all ends. Such a waste

Of course its normal to hate him, By him ignoring you because he's acting like a big baby could just drive somebody crazy!! But don't show him that your hurt. GOOD FOR YOU do say hello! If you go for a snack offer it to him don't do the silent treatment. Show you're the mature one.

Well I've found that he's disliking any attempts I make to talk... even if its nice talk. Of course when I see his rejection I get into emotional mode and start crying or asking him to talk more to me and he immediately shuts down and I look like the problem. I think I have to do the no contact the best I can living here with him. He's doing that to me. He comes and goes... tries to stay out all day and when he does return.. he simply goes to bed. How awful of him to treat me like this... I've been so kind to him for 13 years. While I've been unemployed I've done nothing but his laundry, cooked for him, did all the dishes... I did all the grocery shopping... and now... because I'm not the person he fell in love with (his words not mine)... he's going to ignore me... and act like I'm so awful and need to be ignored. Hurt and anger is what he's made me feel tonight. I knew he'd come in but honestly I thought he might sit with TV or at him computer... didn't think he'd literally say "hi"... then "going to bed"... but I'm proud I only said "nite" and didn't give him any reaction. I'm sure he thought I'd have one. Sad

HI JDLNYC,

Best to just think of YOU and only YOU right now, even thou it is very difficult.

Let him sulk, winge like a immature child if that is how he wants to be-- at the end that shows how weak and disrespectful he is being.

Don't let in to his sulky ways- and keep doing whatever you have to do and create they gap and space that you desperately need at this difficult time.

Oh Yes another one thing- don't do anything for him now- no cooking, no laundry nothing-- let it all pile up for him to do- I think you have done more than your fair share and frankly you dont owe him anything anymore!!

Instead of doing the above- go and get out of the house and do whatever makes you feel a bit better.

That was going to be my question... the problem is that I'm currently unemployed so he's paying most of the bills, rent etc.. I feel that if I stop doing anything for him he will question then why he needs to pay for things to help me at this time. How awful that I have to wonder things like that about someone who confessed so much love for me for 13 years. I awoke this morning and asked him if we could talk so I can better understand the situation... he asked me to please let him sleep more... so while I sit out here alone... I think I'll tell him that I don't need to talk about it. I can't imagine he'd say anything that wouldn't cause me more intense pain for the rest of the day. I will apologize for waking him and get on with my job search. I know he'll leave for the entire day and evening and only return in time for bed.

How sad that just Martin Luther King day... like 2 weeks ago... he and I had such a wonderful day walking in the snow. Had wine and food at a wonderful little place we found. We played with out new iPhones. How does someone then two weeks later turn stone cold, walk out of your life and stop caring for you?

Hello I know how you feel I went to the same thing and it was 13 years also I was told the same thing also it wasn't me and it hurt very much then I was told that person was seening some one else and now after 4 years it is in the back of my mind why not just be honest so if you believe it was you it wasn't I am sorry

I asked him if there was someone else and he said No... that would make it easier. The more I think about things the more I come up with questions. You know when something happens and all the pieces don't match up? This is how this feels. I would hope he is just changed and is leaving me over his own feelings. At this point I don't think it matters because any trust I had in him is completely shattered. I am working hard not to blame myself for this. Its so easy to think of the things you should have, or could have done. I just keep reminding myself of the things that I did do.

He was my rock. He was my safety for the last 13 years. I can honestly say I never thought he would leave. I only thought of us growing old together. I felt so much love (unconditional) from him. That is why this is so hard. My therapist said I first need to understand that this is a Major loss. Its easy to want to push past it and try to run from the pain. I can't even wrap my head around this and how it could happen. He has become a complete stranger to me in the course of three days.

How does that happen?

STOP!! Enough self examination. Your immediate problem, is getting away from this situation, and standing on your own, away from him.

Handle your business, and cry later.

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Originally Posted by JDLNYC

I asked him if there was someone else and he said No...that would make it easier. The more I think about things the more I come up with questions. You know when something happens and all the pieces don't match up? This is how this feels. I would hope he is just changed and is leaving me over his own feelings. At this point I don't think it matters because any trust I had in him is completely shattered. I am working hard not to blame myself for this. Its so easy to think of the things you should have, or could have done. I just keep reminding myself of the things that I did do.

He was my rock. He was my safety for the last 13 years. I can honestly say I never thought he would leave. I only thought of us growing old together. I felt so much love (unconditional) from him. That is why this is so hard. My therapist said I first need to understand that this is a Major loss. Its easy to want to push past it and try to run from the pain. I can't even wrap my head around this and how it could happen. He has become a complete stranger to me in the course of three days.

How does that happen?

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I don't think this really is the time to reflect on your relationship. Its just too soon. Try to deal with pain by keeping yourself busy and you will have enough time later on to figure out what went wrong

I've made the mistake twice now of trying to talk with my ex about this... and both times it twirls into a conversation that upsets him and eventually leaves me feeling worse. No more of that. I can't. He's not the person he was with me before. That person has stepped into a new place and I'm just crying here in the old. I really wish I could move out. I know he does. Living here with him is so hard. He's going to stay away a lot... which is good but tears my heart out. I hate him here but I need him here. Does that make any sense?

JDLNYC you don't need him there, it's just a constant reminder of how he hurt you. Please don't blame yourself on this one. Yes, 13 yrs as I said is a long time to be with someone. Sometimes you think you know this person and the real person comes out at the end. I was in a relationship about 7 yrs ago and was married, I thought I met the man of my dreams, got along great, well when I got married he wasn't the same person and we did divorce. I thought I would grow old with him. He did shatter my dreams and it was the hardest thing to ever go through. I always questioned myself did I do something wrong, or maybe I could have changed things. Well I knew it wasn't me. It's not going to change unless you make it change. Him being there is a constant reminder of him not loving you anymore. You need to go your separate way as hard as it is. He might have issues that your not aware of. It's OK to hurt, but try to keep your distance from him and even sleep on the sofa if you have to, just to get your life back on track. If I knew someone didn't love me, I wouldn't be even close to him, I would get away.. Good luck.

I think I would be calling some friends or relatives. Someone to give you safe haven.

Here's the awful part of where I led my life... I have no friends... not a one... and I'm an only child and my parents have died... so my support system has never existed beyond my ex. Now with no job it leaves me sitting her under his roof now... I'm not trying to give a pity me party but I am seeing why the way I've lived my life doesn't work. I see now why having someone in your life shouldn't be all your life is about. Of course I want to get a job and move out.. but this recession isn't making finding a job in finance (which I do) very easy. I have one ex boyfriend I talk to... he's sort of a friend and he's been there for me a little the last few days. I'm joining a group of people that I can talk to (small group of 5 people who also just went through a break up) so I'm hopeful that will help.

My ex just left saying he'd rather work in his office because he can't be here.. in my presence. I said do you want to watch any of the shows we watch... he said no... I shouldn't have built my life around TV like I did.. its not who I am -- like he's suddenly a completely different person than the one I knew for 13 years. Then he left saying he'd be going to a movie after work so he wouldnt' be returning.

I made him my world... I always thought he'd be there... and both things are now coming back to bite me. He's a very nice person so I can't hate him... he does care for me... and a break is never going to be less painful. My life is mine.. and the mess it is... is what I made of it. That's just a lot to deal with all at one time. Thanks for listening to my drama everyone... I hope a few years from now I can look back and remember these days from a better place.

My ex is starting to talk to me more. Not overly friendly or any discussion of our relationship but last night and this morning he approached me and started talking. I work very hard not to spiral into serious talk and crying.. I am trying not to read more into this... its so easy to hope he's trying to be closer to me again cause now he misses me.

Well. Act as if he is not trying to get back. You need to make your own life. So that if he never comes back, you won't have bee waiting for him. And if he does, than you will be much stronger than you were before and you will be taking him back only because you want it.

You know as I read what you are writing here as this sort of becomes your online journal, which is a tremendous idea by the way, but what I see that I am not sure if you do, is that you are a lot and I mean A LOT stronger then you give yourself credit for. You may be emotional but at the same time I see someone who is also very reasonable and is thinking. You are correct that you shouldn't read too much into what he says, in fact you shouldn't read anything into it. Keep coming back as you need to and keep staying positive.

I will say... I had about two times I was very sad today. I made myself go to the gym after looking for jobs all morning... when I start getting sad about that I made myself head over to the gym and gave myself exactly 1/2 hour on the cardio machine. By the time it ended.. I was feeling pretty sad again so headed home and cried.

I had a meeting today with the leader of a support group I'm hoping to join. What a breath of fresh air. Its nice to talk to someone who understands everything I'm dealing with. I have a regular therapist but this was different. I took my time getting home hoping my ex would have time here alone. Of course by the time I got home he still wasn't here. That made me sad but I didn't need to cry. When he did get home he said hi... Asked me how my meeting went (I just said good) and he grabbed his blackberry and went to bed. This is probably the first time in years he didn't say good night. He even said good night the last few nights after our break up. To be 100% honest... I feel like this behavior is manipulating me and trying to create a certain emotion out of me.

This group leader I met said that often the person who breaks up with someone totally manipulates everything around them and you so it supports their view and their decision. My ex loved playing all types of PC games, he has shows on TV he loves (Heroes, Lost) and he is a avid Comic book collector. In the course of one week... he no longer wants anything to do with any of those things. Its almost like the things that brought him happiness with me... are now all out the window. He can't enjoy any of those things with me around ever again. Now that is very sad.

Before I left for my meeting I received a text message from my ex telling me to "Have a nice meeting"... a very nice gesture but obviously one that confused me a little and made me wish there was more behind it. I just said thanks back. I was expecting him to be nicer when he got home since he had made a nice effort... but he wasn't.

Its not easy to not talk to him. There are so many things I'd love to tell him. I do realize that if I continue to only greet him and basically avoid most information it will both protect me from knowing stuff and keep him more and more out of my life (well my new life).

What do you think that text message was sent for? I think it shows he still cares for me...

Hey JDLNYC,

I think your doing really great- amazing in fact-with going to the gym, looking for work, getting support from groups and keeping busy in such a positive way- Go Girl!

Best thing to do now- is keep going- don't stop as your in a good roll now.

Don't worry about what your Ex texts etc- and don't read into it- as this will only confuse you more and more and set you back.

The more you get up and start doing things for YOU- the more he will probably realise he is messing everything up. The important thing is to focus on YOU and YOU and YOU- let him be and create a good space between you as I am sure he has a lot to think about.
Good luck!

That's the key. I've been told by the few friends I have that I need to leave him alone. I need to give him space. Of course I'm still in that phase of hoping that will bring him back but I remind myself about 1,000,000 times a day that he's not coming back. It appears very permanent at this point.

Even now.. I'm up early (can't sleep most nights) and I'm looking for work before he gets up to get ready for work. My first thought was when he comes out I'll ask him for a hug. I know he'd give me one. That's not good for me. Right now his hug would save me... but the pain 1/2 hour later when he leaves for work... would kill me again.

I keep propelling myself forward in this world. I don't like being alone. I don't want to face the world alone. I was never suppose to have to... he has been there with me for so long and really made me feel safe in the world. Just unbelievable for me that someone can turn so quickly... after so many years

So two minutes after I wrote my entry above my ex woke up and came out and sat with me. That's my weakness because before long I was sitting on the couch telling about my job search, the group I'm joining and even things the therapist said... I mentioned how he didn't even say good night last night and he just shrugged his shoulders...

Tell me if I'm right... he comes out and sits here because he wants to make sure I still care? If he had sat there to talk and I didn't get up or look away from my computer screen... he would have had to deal with the day thinking I was detaching myself from him. Now instead, he gets to go on with his day and know I'm still attached enough. Is that how this appears to the outside world?

Yeah I know that feeling of how suddenly your life just flips upside down because of a decision a partner makes- it is so dramatic and shocking-- the emptiness just kills--there are no words to describe what that feels like.

As time goes by the situation will settle down- I promise you that- and you will slowly see sunny rays of light shining in your day-- it takes a heck of time and it will need determination and strength from you-- there is always a way forward- you just have to find it, with time you will.

You will not face the world alone- you will in time, be more happier with yourself, make new friends and create a new better life for you.

Take each day as it comes and don't rush.

You also at this moment in time need to dettach from your EX- he will not help with the situation your facing, and will confuse you and make you ask a million questions.

Keep yourself to yourself as much as you can- you don't owe him a breifing on what your doing now- what your doing now is for YOU not him.

Maybe it's just me, but his behavior comes off like someone who cheated and is feeling guilty about it, constantly questioning himself, the relationship... wanting to be with you and but not too much like he feels like he doesn't deserve too.

I guess the bottom line is- he ask you to let him go, so do that and give him that.

I am sorry but 13 years is a bloody longtime- a lot of love and hard work would have been placed in that relationship. As relationship has come to an end (his decision)- then the very least he should be doing is dealing with this in a respectable and mature way- the way he is doingit right now SUCKS and is very poor by all standards.

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Now instead, he gets to go on with his day and know I'm still attached enough. Is that how this appears to the outside world?

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I can't say what HIS problem is, but give him what he wants..!

Yah.. obviously I don't want to consider the idea of another person. I asked and he said no but again.. we have to live together for now and maybe he knew that would create a more hostile environment. I felt like I only talked about myself so just before he left I asked how his work was... he didn't even look me in the eye... said its fine and walked out of the room. I fed his needs when he came out but he wouldn't engage in conversation when I start it.

I agree with Tal,

He is a complete f*********** arse and he is not being fair to you at all. Sorry but I find his actions v frustrating!

I can bet my money that he is not even sure in what he is doing, or what he wants either.

God knows what is going on in his head-- BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Your problem is YOU and how you need to get back on your feet and start walking your life for you- just keep telling yourself that- as that is what matters at the end- YOU matter.

As difficult as it is right now, try v hard not think of what he said, what he did, whether he made eye contact or not. All you need to digest is the situation your facing-- work with that and only that.

Looked for work today.. went to therapy and then decided to see "the Reader"... not a good movie when you're already so down. I left the movie in amazing pain... cried walking home and now I'm just here. I debated sending my ex a email at work... stupid me... I did it. I just said : Just wanted to say hi... so hi He replied; hi

Nothing good comes from contact like that. I knew damn well he wasn't going to say anything that would make me happy. I'm so tired of being sad and hurting but I know its going to be a very long time before I feel normal again. I feel almost as bad as I did the first day today. I don't know why... just feel like I make progress then slip back... its awful

I really know what you mean, but here is a idea for you. I just did it actually, go to meetup.com and join a group of your interest around you, meet some new people that way. I just joined a group today and there meeting on Thursday . Just an idea

Now you all have me wondering if he has someone else. I mean for the last 7 months. We've lived here he has friends but was usually here most nights. NOW... after the break up he seems to have some place he can go every night and not return until 12 or 1. I doubt he's at bars or walking in the winter weather... so now I'm thinking I wonder if he has someone's place he can now go to. That would make me hate him even more... just such a quick change in less than a week...

I doubt it was a quick change, maybe you just started to notice it.

Well now he's talking more to me. This morning he came out three times before he left for work and asked how I was (I was doing resumes and job stuff) and then right before he left he came to me and asked for a hug. Then tonight he comes home (first time he's been here before 11 or 12 since the break up) and sits right near me and talks to me for quite a while.

I don't want to make too much of this... but should I see it as a good sign? I think I know one answer... there is no reconciliation until he literally walks up to me and asks me... its up to him to do it... not up to me to figure it out. I just grab onto this new communication as maybe meaning more...

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Originally Posted by JDLNYC

I don't want to make too much of this...but should I see it as a good sign? I think I know one answer...there is no reconciliation until he literally walks up to me and asks me...its up to him to do it...not up to me to figure it out. I just grab onto this new communication as maybe meaning more....

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You are right. You know the answer. He caused this issue and now it's up to him to resolve it should he want to, and more important now should YOU want to. His behavior belongs to him, do your best to ignore it, I know it's easier said then done, but you can't start playing rollar coaster because his behavior is not consistent. You've done nothing wrong here, so you have to try and focus on yourself.

I think your doing the best for yourself, focusing on the future, looking for work, and staying busy and positive.

Yah cause he was all talking to me when he came home... showing me iPhone apps and pictures of he and his friends from a bar he just took... then he ran out to therapy and 3 hours later he hasn't returned. I am allowing myself to be used... I make him feel good about himself before he runs out... He can't have me nice here... and go out and have it nice somewhere else... that's not fair to me...

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Originally Posted by JDLNYC

that's not fair to me...

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Right now this is the only person you need to be concerned about. And that was his decision, so it's fair to both parties involved and you need not feel guilty or bad by it. Do what's fair to you, for you.

Now he and I are back hardly talking. This just feels like such a awful situation. The pain is awful and its like someone died.. but they keep dying over and over. Thanks for listening whoever reads this. I come here because any words that are written I do listen to and I often re-read all the postings. I guess I am struggling to get out of the hoping he'll change his mind phase. Every thing he does I look for clues he might be missing me enough to change his mind. I don't want him to be nice to me and I don't want him to ignore me... that's the spot I'm in.

Sorry to write again so soon... but I'm struggling to understand things. Even two weeks ago he and I talked about a convention he wanted to attend and we ordered tickets. We discussed what panels he wanted to hear... we joked and laughed. We had a nice Christmas and even last week we watched shows together and talked. How does this suddenly switch in one day? From all that to nothing?

It is exactly like someone dying when the relationship ends. The over and over is a result of him still being there, which is why, as soon as you can, get a place for yourself. You need to distance yourself from him.

As to why he "suddenly" changed only he can say. But I can say this change was not sudden. You don't wake up one day and want out, something happened or he's been thinking about it for some time.

I know its hard right now to remove yourself or him from this situation, but stay focused on what you have to do for yourself, and don't be fooled by his behavior at this point. Whether he is nice or not, you also know he can hurt you and will, at a minutes notice