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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

well. I am a girl. So that would work out.
i have had a talk with her and she tells me shes not a sexual person and if i dont like it leave. And about the friend thing, she tells me all the time that she loves me and wants to be with me. Its just weird.

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Apologies, I didn't 'get' that!

My experience is that some lesbian relationships are not sexually charged. In fact, many women enjoy relationships with other women because they feel the relationships are less sexually demanding.

If you want to have sex and she doesn't then there is your answer. You can remain good friends, but if sex is important you'll have to let her know that you want a sexual commitment and move on to someone else.

She can't expect you to be happy if your needs are not being met. I'm sure she loves you and she can still have your friendship when you move on to another relationship.

At first in the relationship we had sex 3 times a month if that.. and that was a lot for me. Every time I ask her to talk.. she gets mad and then some how turns this around on me like its my fault or something. Im not saying sex is everything to me, But when someone turns you down for over a year you start to wonder what's wrong with yourself, what can you change, or if its not me. When I ask her is it because she's not attraitve to me like that anymore, she says omg babe shut up no, I told you I'm just not in the mood. Im not ready to leave, but I do want to try and find a way to tell her hey listen with out her getting mad... I guess I just don't have the right words for it.

It is very curious how she is getting mad when you bring it up. You went from having it 3 times a month to not any for a year. Or once a year. There is a big problem here.

Do you trust her? You still have not answered my question. ARE YOU HAPPY?

I still think there are things going on that your not aware of, but that is just my opinion.

Joe

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

at first in the relationship we had sex 3 times a month if that.. and that was a lot for me. Everytime i ask her to talk.. she gets mad and then some how turns this around on me like its my fault or something. Im not saying sex is everything to me, But when someone turns you down for over a year you start to wonder whats wrong with yourself, what can you change, or if its not me. When i ask her is it because shes not attraitve to me like that anymore, she says omg babe shut up no, i told you im just not in the mood. Im not ready to leave, but i do want to try and find a way to tell her hey listen with out her getting mad... i guess i just dont have the right words for it.

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Sorry, but to not be 'in the mood' for over a year smacks of deeper problems to me.

I think that, if you choose to continue with this relationship, you need to ask her to be honest about why she’s no longer interested. Ask her whether she is frightened to tell you something. Ask her whether she will go with you to see a counsellor and discuss in more depth the dynamics of your relationship and potential reasons for her loss of interest in sex.

These issues are always about choice. Your GF can choose to do nothing and risk losing you or take your concerns seriously. You can choose to have a relationship without sex. You can say to yourself the relationship is so good otherwise that it's worth going without. That’s your choice. Or you can admit you want more from a relationship and are prepared to lose what you have to get the relationship you really want.

Stop dancing around the issue and have the “definitive” talk. Some things can’t be ignored.

I don't know if I'm happy, sometimes I am and other times she makes me so mad, I don't even know how to be happy. I try to be strong about the whole thing but it makes it worse. We just got in a fight about ten minutes ago and now she's sleeping in the living room, and throwing it in my face to leave if that's how I really feel. She said that if she had a problem with me she would have had sex with her ex again and again but she didn't. She doesn't want it. I just want to romance.. its sad it died in a sense. She's sleeping in the living room because she's tired of hearing me. This is what happens every time I try to talk about how I feel. That's why I never really bother.

Well it does not sound like your well together now. She mentioned her ex that she cheated on you with. I would say that do you want her to always play these games with you? Whenever you should try talking with her. Getting mad like she is, is sending out red flags. Key to any relationship is communication. You do not have it here, because you're the only one communicating.

Threads merged


My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I asked a question a while back about her cheating on me and stuff, which I forgave and the girl joined the coast guard so she's not around anymore.

Kim and I have been doing really well with our relationship, but I feel like signs are coming back. Not that she's cheating on me but signs that don't look to good in my point of view.

This woman at work, she talks to her all the time at first I thought they were just friends cause she's in her 40's and kim is in her early 20s.

But the other day kim asked me to read a text message from her phone for a web address for her to type in, which made me come across this other woman's texts message and some of it went

Carol "you look good in that car"
Kim "it would look better if you were next to me driving to the beach"

Kim" hey hot stuff"
Carol "haha that made my day"
Kim "i meant it hehe"
Carol "what do you mean?"
Kim "i'll tell you how i really feel when we go for drinks one day, i dont want to get you to excited at work"

And when I questioned her about it she said it was just joking around. Which makes sense. Because she is married and has children. But to me that doesn't seem to normal.

And I asked kim if carol knew about me, and kim told me no I don't talk about you to everyone I know.

Does kim need her space? She works 2 jobs and goes to school and I only see her about 3 hours a day anymore when she wakes up and when she comes home to sleep.

How could I handle this situation with keeping the relationship and not being to pushy or seem like I'm butting in her personal life? With this whole thing not to bother me.


I just want to try and understand what to do.

I think your instincts are telling you this isn't right.
Don't torture yourself. Yes, your GF is a major flirt. It is fun, unless you are in a relationship with her. My advice. Establish your own space /Your own place and see if she comes to you. She is too comfortable and not ready to commit.

I read your other thread (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-308485.html ) and it left me with a question that has bearing on your latest issues.

Have you been able to share your feelings and concerns with her or have you given up because you don't want to seem 'pesty'?

If you can talk to her about relationship issues and find the time to do so, I think you both need to sit down and discuss your fears. Bottling it up won't help either of you or the relationship.

How long has she been on this work/school schedule? Does the limited time together make you feel a bit more nervous about her relationship with the co-worker? Do you two try to do anything together other than sleep and get ready to go to work/school? How long will this schedule last? Does it look like it will get better in the future?

The only person who can tell you if she needs more 'me' time is her. I don't really know in her schedule where she would fit it and still be in a relationship, though.

As for the co-worker, married women do play around. Some bi-sexual women have agreements in their marriages that allow for them to have 'girlfriends' (I know a woman whose marriage is like that). That Kim hasn't mentioned you to the co-worker seems a bit fishy especially since she is flirting with the co-worker. However, only you and she can determine if it crosses any boundaries. Which brings us back to having a discussion.

Bottom line seems to be that you need to have an open and honest discussion again.

Good luck.

You got to listen to your "gut" feelings. The conversation seemed a little suspicious to me too. It's possible that something is going on or is on it's way to happening.

Just remember - You can't force your girlfriend into doing or not doing anything.

Best thing you can do is to back away and live your life as if she's gone, because I really don't think she even knows what she wants.

I think you need to have a talk with her. Tell her your concerns. Whatever problems and concerns there are will not disappear just because you don't talk about them.

I wish you well.

When I try and ask her questions, or anything that I am concerned about, she gets mad at me and tells me that I'm overreacting and to shut up. About once a week we find time to go out to breakfast or dinner. And that time spent together is wonderful, Its when at home its weird. She won't be as loving as I would like. She has been doing this school work thing for a little over a year now.

She tells me that I have to trust her, And because she cheated on me once doesn't mean she's going to do it again.

I thought since she would have gotten this job, missing me would come into play, but that hasn't happened either.

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

when i try and ask her questions, or anything that i am concerned about, she gets mad at me and tells me that im overreacting and to shut up.

She tells me that i have to trust her, And because she cheated on me once doesnt mean shes going to do it again.

I thought since she would of gotten this job, missing me would come into play, but that hasnt happened either.

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It sounds like this is a continuation of the problems of a year ago. I don't think she is really into the relationship and is feeding you little tidbits to keep you hooked for reasons of her own.

Big question: could she manage by herself if you weren't living with her?

What has she actively done to rebuild the trust she destroyed? You may have forgiven her and stayed with her, but that doesn't mean that she can ignore her responsibilities in the relationship to work with you, her partner, to keep the relationship healthy and growing.

Quite frankly, I think you have put up with her controlling you and attempting to control your emotions way to long. Let her play with her married co-worker. Take care of yourself and your own emotional well-being. Let her go. Find yourself again and heal. Learn to trust yourself again and then other people. There are people in the world who don't use others the way she seems to be using you.

Good luck.

She obviously has little regard for you or your feelings. It is time to look out for you.
Leave this lady to her own devices.

I think she can manage with out me. She just needs someone to always be there I feel.

So if I were to just let her live her life and do my own thing (while still being in the relationship) I would help her figure out what she wants is what your saying? How would I go about that? Not texting calling, I know that much, but when she is home how would I do that? I feel just ignoring her in general wouldn't turn out good.

What I am saying is that you need to get out of the relationship with no looking back. Stop holding on to her and stop allowing her to use you. I think you would feel much better about yourself if you had someone in your life who valued you as much as you value them.

Let yourself heal and move forward and then find that person.

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

i think she can manage with out me. She just needs someone to always be there i feel.

So if i were to just let her live her life and do my own thing (while still being in the relationship) i would help her figure out what she wants is what your saying? How would i go about that? Not texting calling, i know that much, but when she is home how would i do that? I feel just ignoring her in general wouldnt turn out good.

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No, get out of the relationship. It is not a mutually respectful one. Why would you want to stay with someone like that?

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

i think she can manage with out me. She just needs someone to always be there i feel.

So if i were to just let her live her life and do my own thing (while still being in the relationship) i would help her figure out what she wants is what your saying? How would i go about that? Not texting calling, i know that much, but when she is home how would i do that? I feel just ignoring her in general wouldnt turn out good.

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You can't ignore someone you are living with :-)
Get your own place and try time apart. If she misses you and wants the relationship you want - mutual caring - great. If not, you have your own place to go home to.

Threads merged


Me and my girlfriend went out to eat the other night, and sitting there the topic of her ex girlfriend and how she cheated on me came about.

She told me that it was a mistake and regretted it after it happen.. but all she can think about was how bad she was going to hurt me, and that she wanted to hurt me ( because I made her mad that day)

But at the same time she said that she still had feelings for her ex and she felt that she was still the one she was suppose to be with. Meaning she was very confused.

Then she explained to me how she hasn't talked to her in a while, and she feels like she was nothing but trying to cause problems, she had something against her and her ex was always telling her how she has to grow up. My girlfriend didn't like that at all, saying how she was the one who needs to grow up and blah blah blah.. basic stuff.

Then my girlfriend told me that all she knows right now is that she loves me and wants to be with me.

My questions are,

How can I stop thinking about how she had feelings for her?
Should I still be worried?
Should I believe that its actually over with her?
And how can I stop being so needy and piss her off? ( I was very needy for a while because I didn't know if she loved me so I would ask all the time, do you love me, am I cute to you? That kind of stuff)

Please help.. I'm relieved but so bottled up with so many emotions

I have a few questions.

How long have the two of you been dating?
How long ago did she cheat?
How long was she with her ex?
What kind of "feelings" does she have for her ex? Does she still love her?

Honestly, if she still has feelings for this other woman then it's probably best for you to let her deal with them before you take it any further. This is for your own sake as well as hers.

I do commend her for being honest with you though. It can take a lot of courage to confess those sort of things.

I think it would be best if you two had some space. I don't think that she can possibly know for sure if she loves you or not if she still has feelings for her ex.

That's what I think is for the best.

Dating for 4 years
Cheated 2 years agoish..
Together for about a year friends for about 8

And she told me she did have feelings for her at the time of cheating, but not anymore, she said she made a mistake.

Which I am happy that she did come clean. And even though it did happen a long time with her coming clean just brought back so much emotions. She told me she doesn't talk to her anymore or anything. It was just something she really had to get off her chest.

I also feel really bad about being needy the whole time and cause I was doing it for so long which is my fault I won't deny that I can't figure out how to make better without her finding me needy anymore.

But she did say she loves me and she's not the kind of person to say it unless she means it.

The whole thing just bothers me I guess.. and I need someone to talk to and help me threw this.

Thanks!

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

but she did say she loves me and shes not the kinda person to say it unless she means it.

the whole thing just bothers me i guess.. and i need someone to talk to and help me threw this.

thanks!

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Well, the times make a little more sense. I feel like she should have been open with you when it happens, but at least she said something.

It really sucks because sometimes learning the truth can make everything else feel like it was a lie, and that's never a good feeling.

Just tell her what you posted.

Tell her that you're glad that she was honest with you, and that you're having a hard time with it. It's a lot to take in. Tell her that you're having a hard time trusting her now, even though you want to trust her.

Be open with your feelings and try not to place blame, that's all you really can do.

And how can I make her see that I'm not all bad and annoying? Because I really am.. sad to say.

How can I change from being needy.
Cause I always say I love you and she tells me we don't have to say it all the time.. which bothered me. But I think in my mind I needed to hear it... I needed to know.

And even though I no I should back off a little bit now after all this I feel it would be even harder.

I want her to know that I'm working on this relationship with her with out the needy part.

Tell her that. Make sure that she knows that her confession has made you feel a bit insecure, and you could really use reassurance. But don't expect too much, because ultimately it is up to you whether you feel secure or not. She could do everything you think you want her to do, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll feel better. So whenever you're feeling needy, maybe get up and walk around for a bit, go to a different room for a little while. Separate yourself from her for a moment. Maybe it can help.

So really saying I love you all the time. And do you want to be with me, and how cute am I to do.. is very annoying? And should be held back? Because she says I ask to many questions.

Is it really unnessary?

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

so really saying i love you all the time. and do you want to be with me, and how cute am i to do.. is very annoying? and should be held back? because she says i ask to many questions.

is it really unnessary?

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Yes, it is unnecessary. And saying it too often can diminish the true value of the words "I love you". And those questions, can and will get very annoying. How many times does she have to give you the same answer before you believe her? If you're asking her this and reminding her all the time, then you have probably had insecurities from the beginning. She seems to have been very patient and honest with you. You need to think better of her and trust her more, despite what happened two years ago. Realize that she was honest with you. She's been carrying this guilt with her the whole time, and probably had a hard time telling you because she knows how you can feel. What she did in the past was wrong, but there seems to be a lot more for you to deal with, yourself, other than the cheating.

So then how could I change?

I feel like such a pre teen right now. But I'll admit I do need help.

Thanks


Only cause now its something I'm use to doing

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

so then how could i change?

i feel like such a pre teen right now. but i'll admit i do need help.

thanks

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You change your behavior, and then your attitude will change. Bet your bottom dollar it works. Break the habit. :)

Haha, that's my problem, how to break it. Sometimes I do it with out even realizing it.

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

haha, thats my problem, how to break it. sometimes i do it with out even realizing it.

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Make an effort of being more conscious. You already know what you're doing, now it's just a matter of catching yourself. Sometimes you won't realize until after you have already done it, but the more you think think think about it the easier it will become, until it is second nature. Sometimes you will slip up, it happens, just make note of it and be aware. Put it this way "if it would drive me nuts, I don't want to do it either"

Thanks so much for your help sweetie! I'll let you know how everything goes.


Sorry just one more thing.. her saying that it annoys her and I need to stop, does that mean she doesn't care?

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Originally Posted by Jlesnik33

sorry just one more thing.. her saying that it annoys her and i need to stop, does that mean she doesnt care?

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No it means that you're annoying her and that it needs to stop. :)


P.S. You're very welcome. :)