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Sweetie, I really hope it works out for you. I just can't imagine living in a culture where I have to marry someone who I am not in love with. I just can't fathom spending the rest of my life with someone who is not my soulmate that I personally handpicked to be the father of my children.Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectdolls
But, cultures and societies are different, we must remember and respect that.
This is sad because on America Most Wanted last week, or the week before last, this guy kill his teenage daughters becauase they wanted boyfriends, join the cheerleading squap, and hang out with friends after school. They wanted to do the normal teenage stuff and mind you they were straight A students. He got mad because they wanted to live their life as Americans and he wasn't having that. He wanted to live and respect their Muslim hestiage and even threated to ship them back to their country. Instead he killed them by shooting them to death and called it an honor kill. That brought tears to my eyes because it was so sad but people from this countries do that.
Also, I hear about a 13 year old being stoned to death after she reported being rape by 2 adults. Don't you know they stoned her because they blamed the little girl. Meanwhile, nothing happen to the guys. Now if that would've happen here the guys would be behind bars. Sad!
We honestly believe that love will come after marriage. There's a saying that said "Is better to love the one you marry then marry the one you love" It probably sounds so strange to you... well you're not the only one.Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Out of curiosity, for my own "educational" purposes, what if the one you marry turns out to be abusive and controlling? At least if you marry the one you love then you know from the get go.Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectdolls
Your are allow to divorce him anytime if he is not a good husbandQuote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Interesting... in Western culture divorce used to be frowned upon, it's not so much today as it was years ago, but we take vows to be together for better or worse for the REST of our lives.Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectdolls
The problem is not just proving my going to be husband that "I'm a virgin" the problem is with God. Im going to feel like a liar for the rest of my life I know I shouldn't have done that but I was so young didn't think of the punishment. When I got older over the years when I became more religious I realized how bad I did.
Some delimma your in, but God forgives, and so should you forgive yourself.
On you wedding night, apply a lubricant to ease the pain of your "first time" and he will never know the difference. What is he a doctor? The truth is many females have their hymen broken without the sexual act.
My concern is your safety, as no matter what the rules of a culture are, survival comes first, and when you get to know this fellow, you can judge the actions to take later.
Hope it works out.
U mean to put it after the sx?? Like pretending it hurts?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I truly feel for you perfectdolls, I can't imagine being in your situation, it just goes to show how little we know of others beliefs.
You could tell a little white lie, that you lost your hymen some other way, I personally know many women who didn't have a hymen their first time due to other circumstances.
I realize that you feel that lying is a great sin, but really, it's your life on the line, and after the first night, it's no longer a big deal, you just have to get through that night.
I wish you luck, I hope that everything goes well. The surgery that J9 suggested is actually pretty common now, heck, even Jay Leno was talking about it on his show the other night. But, it's expensive, and I don't know how you'd get it done without your family knowing.
Whatever solution you find I hope that it all works out. I'm so sorry that you you're going through this.
Good luck and God bless. :)
How would they know? The surgery is $5,900 dollars in NY is so expensive... but I guess that's my only option.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
You'd have to go to the hospital for the surgery, that's how they might find out, unless you can hide the fact that you're in the hospital. That's my only concern.
I truly hope that you can find a way to get this done, I do believe it's your best option.
I wish you all the best.
No, use it before sex, as he can't tell if you have a hymen or not. Hey look, that has to be better than surgery to give you a new one. I would imagine it will take time to heal, and its no telling how long that will be. A lubricant will also hide the fact your not as tight as he thinks you should be.Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectdolls
Either way your lying. But your saving yourself a lot of cultural backlash. To bad you just can't say no marriage. That would be the thing to do.
I just read that it takes 6 weeks to heal but Im getting marry in 4 weeks. How can I delate sex with him, what should I tell him?
3 weeks after being marry I want but I don't have an excuse why not to do it with him.
Okay, I did some research and found a website, just go to the link below.
I cannot give my recommendation of this product, I only know what was written on the site. If it does what it claims then it may be your best bet, but, once again, I don't know if it does what it claims or if it is safe and undetectable.
You're going to have to decide for yourself.
The Hymen: Breaking the Myths | Our Bodies Our Blog
Go to the site and then clik on the link for the artificial virginity hymen, it will take you to the order page.
Hey perfect doll,
I just read your posts and found it rather distrubing.. I am a muslim and I find it rather shocking that you are marrying a man you have only met twice? That is shocking as most muslim parents are much more liberal these days and actually let you get to know the guy a lot more- like dating with permission- a question I have for you is why did you not ask your parents that you would like to get to know him better?
Second thing is if this guy is coming from an non western country to a western one- he will find it hard to adjust to life, as expected. Has anyone actually asked him to come and spend some time in the US.. what if he does not like the way of living? Then what are you goingto do- or your family going to do?
I know many of my muslim friends that are not virgins when they get married- in fact I think none of them were- I don't believe you have to have sex on the first night? This is real life and not bollywood... maybe you should tell your husband- that you would like to get to know him first and let the sex come when you are both ready to do it? That would make more sense and more sensible for you both- you never know- you may actually like your husband in time and so when you have sex- it may all work out... I am sorry but I don't think people are expected to have sex straight on the wedding night these days..
You don't have to bleed to be a virgin these days, I think many sensible guys will know it is so easy to break a hymen- your best solution is just to tell him- you do lots of sports and you must have lost it naturally. OKay if you were 15 years old - then it would be different- but your 25. I don't think you need to go and have the procedure done.
I assume your husband is a virgin as well- in that case- he will have no idea what is what - so stop worrying.
I think you need to be more rational with your thoughts and think about how you can better the situation for yourself.
Finally, if you don't wantto marry this guy you should be able to tell your parents and you should be able to discuss your reasons with them, I am sure if they saw how unhappy you were and how worried you were with your problems (apart from the hymen one).. I think they will listen to you..
Good luck
Wow this is a problem
Zeenie
I have only met him twice but I talk daily on the phone with him or online. He is a very good guy and I feel bad that I have to do this. He is so great that I think he deserves better, I only wish I was more religious in my teenage years because I would have never done that knowing what I know now.
Hi Perfectdolls,
If youthink he is a good guy- then start enjoying your life and start looking forward to getting married. Spend time talking to him about the things you guys would like to do for your future, tell him you would like to get to know him a lot better before you get close. I think a good guy will respect that and would not expect to have sex asap - go slow and just enjoy your life and get to know him just like one would. If he respects you , he will not push you! At the end of the day I am sure he would like to have sex where you both would be happy to do it rather than a chore!Don't worry for the hymen situation- when the time comes you will just tell him that many girls loose it during sports and that it is so common etc.. No need for procedures! I am glad to hear that you are talking daily- so you are getting to know him more day by day - keep doing that! SOunds like the danger feeling may pass?
The hymen actually can be broken by activities such as horse back riding...
It's a very delicate tissue and it can be broken in a number of ways with the girl still a virgin.
I do feel for you and your culture. I understand it too. The only option you have are 1. tell him the truth. 2. get the expensive surgery 3. say and do nothing
I especially understand the only meeting him twice... I met my husband twice before marrying him. We talked about 8 hours a day over the phone. I'm jewish too so there are similarities.
My best advice to you is... Tell him when you were a teenager you weren't that religious but when you got older you found the errors of your ways and found g-d. This is pretty much the short version of what I told my husband. Our marriage is great
I know this sounds deceiving because it is but if it saves your life it is worth it.
I say prick your finger somehow and put the blood on the sheet and get embarrassed and go to the bathroom and clean up the blood.
Come back feeling embarrassed and he will leave you alone.
I don't ever believe in games but until you can get help and get out this is an option.
Forgive me for encouraging deceit but your life is more important!
Thank you for you idea :(Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
But I don't think he would understand he will probably be dissapointed...Quote:
Originally Posted by Starbucks21
Which country is your future husband from?Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectdolls
Umm... I don't recall bleeding during my first time. Does this always happens? How do they know really? He's not a doctor. He's a virgin too. How would he know what to look for?
I agree with Compsavvyimnot, if he is a virgin and has not seen pussycat dolls in MTV or something- he will not have any idea what he is looking for and what to do... I think in such cases he will be more worried about if he did it right, did she feel right, and what was that- the hymen issue would never cross his mind- especiallly if this is his first time! He will be more busy with what exploded in his brain cells- so to speak :-)!
Are you allowed to be mad at him if he's not a virgin?
Assalaam alaikum sister,Quote:
Originally Posted by perfectdolls
You have reached the first step - you regret your mistake.
Next step is to ask Allah(sw) for forgiveness.
Then you discontinue whatever wrong you were doing... Insha Allah you will have forgiveness of the Most Merciful.
About your husband-to-be- he does not necessarily have to know about it because for one, it will create more problems for you and him than solve your dilemma.
It is your secret,between you and Allah(sw), keep it that way.
Do not panic, calm down and pray Istikhara
Istikhara: The Guidance Prayer
If in case he questions your virginity, you can give an excuse of it being due to any of the physical activities done in school or sports.
Baarakallah feekum
Wa alaikum salaam
EDIT::
Thanks Starby for directing me here :)
Starbuck... I think SHE would know if he was a Doctor or not.:rolleyes:
And I was actually asking the questions. Does Everyone bleed during their first time? Does any man unlesshe's popped mulitple of virgins really know what to look for?
I don't think it is like bleeding as in bleeding from a cut (and you find it on the sheets and all),but there is a sort of discharge for some,not sure if that happens to all.Quote:
Originally Posted by compsavvyimnot
I totally agree with Judy Kay... Please excuse my crudeness. I didn't mean it that way. I should have put more thought into my vocabulary. Sorry if it offended anybody, it was not my intentions.:)
Assalaam alaikumQuote:
Originally Posted by firmbeliever
Thank you so much! I felt so much better after reading this I hope everything goes well...
PakistanQuote:
Originally Posted by Dare81
Yes but how would I know...Quote:
Originally Posted by blue_st4r
I will pray the Istikhara thank you so much for your adviceQuote:
Originally Posted by firmbeliever
If you tell me that another person has had sex with you the relationship is over and he will see you as a slut for possibly forever. Don't worry about him finding out. Let him think what he wants. He cannot tell from having sex with you whether you're a virgin. Most men have never slept with a virgin so we have no frame of reference. Besides, if he does have a frame of reference then he has committed the same 'injustice' to someone else right?
Just to clear up one question. No, not all women bleed their first time even if the hymen is intact. Blood does not mean virginity.
In by the way what part of Pakistan is this.I am from karachi and I have never heard of such nonsense,when I was there almost 6 to 7 years ago dating was a pretty common thing.If this guy lives in pakistan he must know that most girls even in pakistan are not virgins.
I agree with Dare 81!
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