No you don't. Believe me... you don't.Quote:
Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost
It sounds like you are doing well though man, I am proud of you!! Keep it up.
Carry on... :cool:
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No you don't. Believe me... you don't.Quote:
Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost
It sounds like you are doing well though man, I am proud of you!! Keep it up.
Carry on... :cool:
You are not having no contact because this person can still get into your life via ims etc.
My advise stop the calls etc because this only opens wounds and delays the moving on - block ims - block phone calls - emails etc -
Next time you need to talk and feel like your going to call the Ex - call a friend or family and catch up with them instead -
Please do not go out and do this until you know that you are 100% healed and ready for a relationship, because this action above will only make you tears in the end and screw you up.Quote:
Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!
I know this! I am just asking if I really need to go no contact... I don't feel it makes a big difference anymore... as long as we are not talking about what happened or about our love lifes and we don't.Quote:
Originally Posted by ja77
I'm afraid you didn't read the post. I don't feel like talking to her. It seems she feels talking to me, or there's something really weird going on with her. Either way, it's not my problem.Quote:
My advise stop the calls etc because this only opens wounds and delays the moving on - block ims - block phone calls - emails etc -
Next time you need to talk and feel like your going to call the Ex - call a friend or family and catch up with them instead -
This didn't make much sense for me. How is that she should wait until I'm healed before she moved on? Plus, I have no control on this, it's her life... Can you clarify?Quote:
Please do not go out and do this until you know that you are 100% healed and ready for a relationship, because this action above will only make you tears in the end and screw you up.
Sorry I miss read this part of your post -Quote:
Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!
ITL: I wouldn't gamble with your heart. I know you feel as though you can handle talking to her or bumping into her, and that is all fine. I, however, have said that many of times, and have even gotten cocky enough to initiate contact with her, as I thought I was over it... well, that was the wrong choice.
I advocate you continue doing your best to avoid contact with her, and if you so happen to run into her, handle it like you have, as you are doing well.
Carry on... :cool:
:-). I agree with you tiger. I'll keep not initiating contact, mainly because I know I still like her. As I said, I just accepted it's not going to happen. But I think I won't hang up on her or ignore her IMs when she calls me.
Since we live a 1000 miles from each other, the only "bumps" are on the internets, haha.
Ok. So she started upping the ante and was talking more to me on IM. Then she changes her picture on Facebook profile to one from old times. A picture I've taken of her in a very good NYC trip. I was like " is wrong with her?". So I just called her yesterday because I'm in no mood to play silly games:
Me: "Hey. Do you have time"
"Yeah..."
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No".
"Why did you do that to your facebook?"
"The pics from the ski trip? Look, I'm not with that guy" [I have no clue what she's talking about here. And don't want to know either].
"What ski trip? I don't care if you are with some guy. I wish you were with someone else. I'm talking about your profile pic. You changed to a pic I've taken. A picture that meant something. At least to me.".
"What? But you've taken all my pictures from the past 4 years... I can't avoid."
"You don't get it, do you? The way we broke up, with that open ending, you wanting to keep talking and then you do this. Look, I don't want to restrict you in what you do, so we just need to stop talking, ok?"
"But that's what I wanted from the beginning!"
"What? If you wanted that, then why the hell you keep bugging me?"
"..."
"Look. It's over, right? I mean, we are done for good, right?"
"..."
"Ok, It is over forever. Forget that future crap. We're done. For good.
"Ok. Anything else?"
"Yeah. Do you know why you broke up with me?"
"I think the chemistry was gone."
"Chemistry? Chemistry? Ok. I need to sleep. Good night".
Dude. I obviously overestimated her intelligence. Chemistry? I can't believe after 4 months she didn't even think about what happened. And was still talking to me. Idiot. At least now I am happy we are over. And I am very much happy not having her bugging me anymore. Man.
Now the mess is over. If she ever contacts me again, I'm ignoring. If she insists, I'm blocking her. But I think this time she understood.
*Cough*
Get rid of FACEBOOK!! It is a waste of mind power!
Good good, you can finally start no contact
Haha. A good amount of my social life depends on that website...Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
The problem wasn't whatever she was doing in her Facebook... I don't go to her profile, even when someone tags pictures of her or whatever... I don't even look anymor. It was that she was talking to me more and more AND then changed her profile picture. And then acted like it was no big deal. It's either she's clueless or she's a psycho. Either way, I'm done.
REMOVE her from Facebook and any mutual friends that will be likely to post pics or tag her and you might get to see--even If by accident. This is to maintain your sanity.Quote:
Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost
Now stick to NC, permanently.
Hey Im Totally Lost,
I totally agree with deleting the ex and mutual friends, family etc on Facebook. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but it does a lot of good.
A while back I did the same - I deleted mutual friends etc and for some members I even blocked them. Although it left a huge hole (deleted 15 of his mutual friends, 5 members of his family, 20 of my friends deleted him straight up= one week later= 2 mutual friends left ( both these two friends are v loyal to us both and will not cross that line and so I have kept these friends ))... now when go on facebook- I feel like it is for me- the friends I have are the ones most important to me, and no one can get back to the ex. Any photos of me tagged etc remains within that circle and so I feel like this is a true Facebook NC.
I feel so much better now that I have literally dissappeared /vanished from the ex's world. Now I can live freely. Most importantly I don't need to see anything of the ex, hear anything of the ex's family or friends or what is happening in his world- even by accident. Why would let my mind waste time on such things.
I also feel that when you take such actions- it tells the ex and his friends etc- a very clear message- to leave you alone. PERIOD... and that is what they should do and respect your wishes This is something very important as this action in the long run will help you move forward when your ready in the least complicated way possible.
Oh well. I agree I should delete, but believe me: I don't care. I might do it. But I think it would more harm than good. If I delete it'll be like poking her. Since I don't get updates from her (apart from changing profile picture :-P), we don't have common friends on Facebook and last time I looked at her profile, it was still 2008.
Same thing with GoogleTalk. Last time I started a conversation, apart from the couple of "leave me alone" dialogues was on new year, just to say happy new year. I prefer to leave her in the list than blocking her and triggering a phone call from her.
I think she got the message yesterday, it doesn't bother me to let her there and deleting/blocking will be a sure way of triggering contact from her. I'll give a shot at being civil. If she can't hold herself, than I'll move to blocking her, and deleting from my Facebook.
I am happy now that it's over. I was having trouble removing her from the pedestal, and we didn't do anything wrong so I was trying to live with that. Well, yesterday she faceplanted so bad I couldn't even believe I dated this girl... The most ridiculous dialogue I ever had. I was talking about how she was going to lose me as a friend and she was trying to convice me(!) that she wasn't going out with that guy, as if I cared.
Whatever. I spent too long thinking about a person that can't spend a second thinking why she ended a 4 year-long long distance relationship. And no offense to you all, but I am also taking a time from this website. Thanks for all your help, but right now I think I'm better off if I just live my life, without having to think about her. I might post updates about my situation though.
Hey Im Totally Lost,
Looks like you realise well that NC is the way forward. I am sure with time, space and some relaxation with yourself-- you will bounce back to your normal self and be a lot more happier with you and your life. I think it is really good that you can see her true colours- that my friend will help you a lot, especial when you hit that low now and then.
Do keep posted- and go get that PHD- trust me once you get that and get a paper or two published - you will feel wicked!
Good luck!
Man. Could Valentine's date be more annoying?
Haha yeah I know... makes me feel quite ill thinking about it. I just want to pop all those heart shaped balloons. At least it's a Saturday night so can go out and get drunk and there should be plenty of hot single girls keen for some V Day action.
Dude. My stupidity has no limits...
So I started feeling bad because I wasn't really nice the last time we spoke. I wasn't caring too much about that but the Valentine's Day ads kept bringing her to my mind and I was hating myself for being rude.
So yesterday (after fighting a week against this urge), I sent her an e-mail apologizing for being rude. And to keep without contacting me. I know this is a huge mistake. But I couldn't help. I wrote like 10 e-mails this week and deleted without sending. I was tired of avoiding sending that e-mail. So I just sent the last version. Two weeks of NC. And now this. Damn.
I just hope she ignores it. It's unfair asking that from her, but I really wish she just deletes it. Not because the e-mail wasn't nice, but I don't want contact... it actually was too nice... Yeah, I am a dumbass. I asked her not to reply and just leave it at that on a follow-up message. Why did I have to care about that? It was all right of me being rude, after all she was messing with me. I basically apologized because she messed up with my head. How stupid can I be? Sucks to be a nice guy! Well, it's done.
At least I have a date for tomorrow! Simple fun.
Firstly, nice work on the date! I hope it goes well dor you.
That email probably was a bad idea, but oh well, its done. She may reply, she may not. It doesn't really matter either way really does it.
Next time you get that urge to send her an email, just post it on here... it sounds silly, but it worked for me. It got it out of my system.
Haha. I guess. But then you guys would have to understand portuguese ;-).
More stupidity. So come Valentine's, I go out with this girl for ice skating and it was fun. First time for both of us. Really cool. The plan was to go to a club with her and other friends. But I felt a cold coming in the horizon so I basically had to stay home Saturday night.
That was really awful. I started feeling really lonely. Really sad. It hit me worse than ever before. It was just awful. Sunday I felt crappy too. I started hating her, not for breaking up with me but for not telling me why (unless she really believes in that chemistry crap). So there I go, in my Valentine's fueled stupidity and send her an e-mail Sunday telling her that I don't buy that chemistry crap, I don't think she buys that either and asking her to think really about it and letting me know why.
Of course I didn't get any response yet. I don't think I will. I guess this time I did it, haha. I pushed her away so bad that she's never coming back again!
Back to NC since Monday. But I swear, if it wasn't for all the jewelry ads on TV this wouldn't have happened... I was saving to buy a nice ring for her in the past Christmas... She always loved rings, but I never felt like buying the cheap ones. So I can't really look to a store without thinking about what would have been. But the next sensitive date is Jun 12th (valentine's day in my country). Until then I think I'll be in cruise control.
That's a bit of a blow out dude. Try to keep those fingers in check when those urges arise. Just learn from it I guess.
I know how it feels though... at the time it makes so much sense to just send that email, or ask those questions. I've done some things that I look back at now and cringe...
But you live and learn, next time you find yourself typing up an email, just save it as a draft or something and wait a day before thinking about sending it. I'm sure you will reconsider and be grateful you didn't.
Will be interesting to hear what she has to say if she does respond though...
I agree a lot. But I don't regret that much sending this because it seems to me that right now I was in "waiting mode". Now I am in the "goodbye, farewell" mode. I don't care if whatever I do now buries my chances. I actually would like to see my chances buried, since she won't help me with that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty Cans
It sucks though, because it sets me back a little. But hey. It was really crappy, to stay at home watching SNL on Valentine's, under a blanket! I was already down before I sent it, and it didn't get worse after sending. Whatever.
Yeah. Problem is... that's pretty much what I do! I always write an e-mail, save it, delete it, write it again, delete it, write again, delete it. Usually the will to send wears off in the second version or third version. I realize it's pointless. These last week ones, though, those were like the 10th version of it. I mean, I was crappy Saturday night and send the e-mail Sunday night. And yes, I didn't do nothing on Sunday except obssess with her. Yeah, it's unhealthy. But I couldn't help.Quote:
But you live and learn, next time you find yourself typing up an email, just save it as a draft or something and wait a day before thinking about sending it. I'm sure you will reconsider and be grateful you didn't.
No, it won't. If she replies with what I think is the truth (she wanted to end the LDR sooner than what was possible), it will get really messy. If she insists on any of that chemistry or the "I've changed" which I know is bs, then I will get pissed. And if she tells it's something on the "grass is greener" or the "I've met this guy", I'll be hurt again.Quote:
Will be interesting to hear what she has to say if she does respond though...
So it's just better if she acknowledges my previous request and just ignore me.
Good point... hopefully she does just ignore it!Quote:
Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost
The longer I keep at this NC thing, the easier it seems to get. Its become normal now for me not to call her, not to text her, not to email her, not to chat to her, not to look at her Facebook. Yeah, I still think about her lots, and she still enters into my dreams occasionally, but each day it does get a little easier.
I'm actually going home in a weeks time for a few days. She hangs out with a lot of my friends, so I'm hoping I don't run in to her. If I do, I don't know how I will react, but I will just do my best to say hello and then move on to talking to the next person.
I really hope that you don't meet. Really. I'd suggest avoid doing stuff if that's not going too much out of your way (try to hang out more with friends that aren't common if you can). I am in this mess and I haven't seen her on Christmas. I can't imagine my state if I did.Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty Cans
I think she will know to keep away, assuming she knows that I'm coming up. Its possible I'll run into her at a bar in town or something, but unlikely.
She basically be came friends with ALL of my friends. And she still is friends with them all... which I guess I'm okay with because I don't live there anymore. This was an agreed break-up, so its not like I can just expect her to stop being friends with them. Although it would be super weird if she gets a new boyfriend and starts hanging out with my friends with him. But yeah, whatever, its not my business anymore.
Haha. I underestimated her capacity to do damage. I just thought that she would mess me up with a reply.
It was worse. She showed up on IM to let me know she is not ignoring the e-mail, it's just that she didn't have time to answer yet. But she wants to. I guess she doesn't even respect my intelligence anymore. At least I managed to cut the conversation short, just gave a glimpse of my life because she was trying to pull the "i've been too busy" from the bag of clichés. And told her I'd rather she didn't talk to me for a while. I think it was actually the first time I felt I acted just write. Polite yet firm. Keeping myself respect without being hateful. But it still sucks.
Following advice, I'll write the e-mail I want to send her right now here.
Hey,
Look, I don't want to know what you are doing with your life. Really. I wish you all the best. But I still need a favor from you. I've asked that before already. I need to know why. What for? I don't know. Maybe it's for final closure. Maybe it's so that I can know what to do with your picture in my head - if I box it along with my good old friends I don't speak any longer or if I should just burn it. But I want to know. And after all I've done for you, this is the least you could do for me. Try to figure out why, as a sign that you care, as you so many times told me in these past few months.
You're lack of capacity to explain me why surprises me - you were never like this. And I was thinking about that and I could reduce the reasons down to 5 possible hypothesis.
1) You were actually honest when you gave that bs motives. Maybe you are more silly than I thought and decided there isn't chemistry anymore, after 4 years. And that Thanksgiving was a very good acting job. Or that you changed, despite the fact that the only thing that change is the way you treat me. I don't think this is the case though. You were more mature than this.
2) You did something and are afraid it's going to hurt me. Like you cheated on me. Or there was someone else that you are going out with, right now. If that's the case, trust me, telling me will make my life easier. And I think it'll reduce the guilt I know you must be feeling right now, if this is the case. Because I know you are fundamentally a good person.
3) You found something about me that makes us incompatible, but doesn't want to tell me because you're afraid I'm going to argue. Or maybe it was just the distance and you're afraid of accepting that it's just the distance because it doesn't seem like a good enough reason. Again, just tell me. I won't move to there so soon just because of this. And I won't change my ways so that you'll like again. I would have done that in October if you told me. But right now I'm just curious.
4) You're having the GIGS. And you don't want to admit it because if you do, you know I'll never take you back when you find out that it's just the perspective. Well, hate to burst your bubble but I'm not taking you back so easily. I may be able to forgive GIGS. But I'll never forgive lack of honesty.
5) You still don't know why. If that's the case, it sucks to be me. Come on, it's been almost 3 months. It's either you sort of know but are afraid that it's a silly reason or you didn't stop to think about it, which is quite sad. If this is the case, then know that you should find this out before I really move on. You don't want to see me on Facebook with this girl before sorting this out - it will be really painful for you. And it'll happen sooner than what you think.
Anyway, if you don't want to find out, or don't want to tell, it's fine. I mean, right now it's becoming more like an academic curiosity. After all, it's your life that you are potentially ruining without knowing why. I was a very good boyfriend and I am an awesome guy. And you know it. We are both great people, so it's not like I lost you or you lost me. The only ones at advantage right now are our future relationships. Yes. That's how awesome we are. And I know you agree with me.
I know why I am giving up on you. But do you know why you gave up on me? I think it'll be good for you to find out.
Wow! I am sure you feel better after letting that out. Nice work... and good job on not actually sending it to her. It sounds like you've asked her all this before... she obviously doesn't want to, or can't answer the questions. So you are right, she has stuffed up and is missing out. Screw her... she doesn't even know for herself why she did it. Invest your "academic curiosity" into better things.
Well I had my phonecall with my ex... and wow, it was pretty interesting. I'll write more about it tomorrow. The power of NC is pretty strong though...
Just one question... is GIGS the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome"?
Yeah. GIGS is grass is greener. I would probably have written it in more words if I was going to send her. Screw that though. I gave up waiting for the closure. I thought she would give it to me. But she won't . So screw that.
But now I'm curious about your story!
I haven't yet received any e-mail. And I haven't really been waiting for an answer anymore. Right now, actually I don't even want to have her contacting me again to talk about the past. I mean. I don't care anymore, and as I said before, there's nothing good that come from an e-mail.
But instead of sending her an e-mail telling her not to answer anymore, I just added an e-mail filter that sends any e-mail from her to the trash. Am I wrong in doing this?
No, you are not wrong. If speaking with her brings pain... why put yourself through that? She knows the situation and how you feel. There is no need to drawl things out and continue to go through more mental anguish if you don't have to.
That is a very excellent move.Quote:
But instead of sending her an e-mail telling her not to answer anymore, I just added an e-mail filter that sends any e-mail from her to the trash. Am I wrong in doing this?
Such a random event but this night I dreamed of her. I don't know why this things happen. I mean... Really? How much longer do I have to endure missing her? Now that I can manage to not think about her in my waking hours, does my stupid heart really have to invade my dreams?
Three days ago I had a wonderful NC-17 dream with someone else. It took me 1 month for me to actually consider the idea of having sex with someone else in my life without feeling like a lame cheater. I am finally being able to go out on dates, hit on women and those normal single men things. And then, when I think I am finally back in control of my feelings, she shows up in my dreams.
This sucks. I wish it was one of the dreams we forget of before waking up. But no. The first thing I do in the morning is to check my mailbox. No e-mail. Of course, because I redirected her e-mail to trash. Checked on trash. Nothing, because I set my e-mail to empty the trash automatically, to avoid these moments. And since I've deleted her from all my IM accounts, I can't really see if she's online. And I won't go to her Facebook page, because I might not like what I see, so screw that.
I wonder if she misses me. Not as lover or as a boyfriend. I wonder if she misses me as a friend. I wonder if she misses talking with me in the wee hours when we were both late night studying like it used to be before we even got together. I wonder if she's feeling the consequences of dumping me: losing her best friend. I wonder if I'm invading her dreams.
But I shouldn't wonder about these things. It's pointless. I just want to forget.
I know exactly where your at and how you feel. I am going through eh Same stage you are now. It sucks. Your brain is still purging her memory. It will take a long time for that to finally complete, but it WILL eventually.
I've been having very vivid dreams of my ex and me doing things and still saying I love you and all of that crap. I wonder how she feels sometimes too, but you must keep going and be strong and know that this will end one day and you will be better from it.
You know what was the worst part of dreaming with my ex? Is that during the dream I was actually happy.
And you know what? All the times I were with her were happy times. It was good man. It was really good. And I can't pretend otherwise. I can't pretend that we had an abusive relationship or something like that because it just was almost perfect. The only problem is that I underestimated the effect of 1,000 miles over 4 years.
Basically I need to stick to that original analogy, of the death of a dear person. I will miss her, because there is no single reason why I shouldn't. I just have to understand that it's not happening anymore and that my life goes on. A very beautiful and awesome life.
And for all of those who wonder if they should stick to NC or not... it does wonders. It reduces all the drama and allows the dust to settle.
I wish I knew that earlier. I was reading the first posts in my thread and... oh man... so much drama... and all that to get to the same place I would have if I just gave up on understanding since the very beginning... Next time someone asks me for a break to think about the relationship, I'm done.
The dreams definitely suck dude, I know what you mean. You've done well to block her emails and have them automatically deleted. If she has something worthwhile to tell you, you will get the message one way or another.
You are right though... just let the dust settle and the drama subside and carry on with NC.
I'm in a bit of a predicament from breaking NC last week (although I don't regret doing it)... but I think I'm just going to go back into NC to get rid of all that unnecessary drama.
I'm feeling so sad today. I just... I don't know.
So, what all did you do this this week for the sole benefit of others? What activities are you involved in on a daily/weekly basis that cost you time/energy/resources that the only reward you get is the work itself? It's totally for the charity?
I promise that if all your life energies are spent solely on your own pursuits, when you have nothing to do you will dwell on that self-based focus and find depression is VERY easy to allow in.
When you have problems/issues/tasks/considerations that you need to accomplish for others and you get no reward from it other than DOING the work, it's an unbelievably effective way of pushing the depression demon away.
For instance, I spend time on these forums offering assistance on Software, Spreadsheets and some Relationship aid. A "wonderful" way to put idle time to use for others' benefit.
Think about.
Well, I do spend some time in forums trying to help other people... It's not like I have a lot of spare time but I do try to keep myself doing something.
I've been mostly fine... from this thread, the last time I've had this "it sucks" feelings was last week... But today I was filled with this emptyness. Maybe it's just a bad day. It probably isn't a consequence of the break-up, though every time I feel bad, it's easy to just blame the break-up. Maybe I got so used to talking with ex about bad days that I miss her now.
Yeah. I kind of know what I should do. I just want to never have this feeling again. I'm tired of missing her.
Bad days will come and go. You need to get together with either family or friends. They will show you that your life really isn't empty. The empty feeling is only there, because you let it be. These are the times where friends and family really help. They will get your mind off missing her. Go out and have some fun. Do something today other than sitting around thinking.
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