Hope I'm right
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Hope I'm right
I misspoke in that sentence, I meant to say I hope to god she DOESN'T just see me as a friend, and that she DOES still have feelings for me so we can work on something in the future.. that's what is hurting the most.. if I could crawl into her head and see how she felt, if she felt hope that I would change and that it was another chance she was giving me, it would make this SO much easier.
I know what you meant.. But get it through your head, this is not meant to be easy on you or you will not learn your lesson. You're slipping again...
Get into your own head and straighten it out - do some serious house-cleaning in there first. Leave her space!
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If you would relax, and work on yourself, its easier to just pay attention, and talk honestly, and work on things.
Then you don't have to assume or wonder.
From what you have written, you better get busy, and solve your own problems, and get healthy.
I must say you give others such good suggestions, take a few of them to heart.
Ok HELP! She called me at lunch and said how hungry she was and missed me, so I said Well tell you what I will come over and cook you supper fast tonight and then leave, so then she goes on this big thing about "I really hope your not being nice to me in hopes that we will get back together, becqause like i said before i don't think i will ever be able to trust you in that way again." I was not even DOING anything, at all.. WHAT do I DO?
Well, I guess you have to do some cooking and then leave after the meal. Be cordial, ask her how her day was (without interrupting and needing to fix anything if it went wrong) - just listen. Then give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek and say goodnight - that's all.
We are telling you that it will take a long time before she regains trust, and you know that, so again and again, DON'T PUSH IT and don't hope for things to change overnight.
As I said before accept what she offers now and cope or leave her completely alone and look for someone else. Plainer than that, I cannot get.
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Go out on your own tomorrow night, or make plans for halloween with other friends.. don't stay home just waiting for her to call.. NOT GOOD!
Wow it was just really hurtful that her and I have no been speaking a lot we have not talked about our relationship or anything for about 3 days... yet she decides to drop this on me? It really feels like she TOTALLY doesn't want to ever have a relationship again? I am making plans, After today I won't see her again until Sunday as I am doing stuff with friends.. But seriously, do you think she keeps bringing it up because she REALLY does mean it? That like she never does intend on ever getting back with me again? Im not trying to be thick skulled here, I totally agree with you and understand what your saying... what is she thinking...
Im sorry I missed a line when reading, you say forget her and move on completely.. searching for someone new.. So basically I need to let her go, and forget about getting back together with her.
Ok don't cook for her!
That's for damn sure
Just give her space and do your own thing.
I would even go so far as to say don't bother with her. Unless you really see something very special in her.
Good luck
Damn... so its time for no contact and to move on isn't it... How can she want to spend time with me and then KEEP TELLING ME how we are not getting back together.. not now, not 3 months from now.. I am playing it cool, letting her get a hold of me, doing stuff for myself.. WHY does she keep bringing up the fact that we are broken up? I don't get it.. its like to rehurt me all over again.
That's none of your concern.. It's what she's saying that you have to listen to and take it to heart for now. We all know that minds can change, but only if and when she feels like it. Nobody can control this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Czosie
You should not have jumped in and suggested cooking, she was just making conversation and when a woman talks about things it does not mean you automatically have to fix it... just should have listened- but your Mr. Fixit mode jumped in and you are not in any position to fix anything right now except working on yourself.
Do not bring up any relationship subjects at dinner, tell her of your plans and listen to what she says about her's and that's it. Take your mind off this one track or you will loose the race... be a friend PERIOD. From now on please don't be too quick to offer to do stuff for her, she's a big girl.
Now, you try and be a big boy and stop placing her first... learn to live with yourself and like it, then you can share it. Get it?
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I get it.. Ryan needs to move on, think for himself, and understand her and I are done. Not that I'm trying to repair our relationship but that we are done, and I need to do things for myself.. I honestly just now understand this.. I have been thinking up until this point that I was still trying to fix our relationship while working on myself, but I get you.. I have to not even try to fix her and I at all, and drift away and learn to be myself.. Ok wow, we really are totally done.
I have such a sour taste in my mouth for love right now.. its going to take a while for me to let anyone in again.. a long while.
I personaly don't think you gave yourself enough time after your other relationship ended.
Take as much time as you need :)
All the best
I didn't say that.
If all you want is someone to take the place of your ex-wife next to you in bed in the morning because you can't stand to be alone, then yes, go..
But if you can imagine a friendship with truthful, sincere and meaningful times and fun - and eventually more - but in months or even a year from now -, then accept this help, and that of your therapist, and just lay back and enjoy her company.
No matter what you decide, I don't think it would be a good idea to find another woman to replace either one of them yet because it would be unfair to her. You are not ready for a meaningful and honest relationship yet as you are confused and in a rush to find a substitute to fill your loneliness. Please don't do that to yourself. You need to like and respect yourself again and that will take a little work.
So, please stop pouting and thinking fatalisticly ahead. Stand up and do something about it - set a realistic goal and work to reach it.
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Chery is being nice, but your really being a selfish idiot.
Don't you know how to be a happy person, and pleasant, and comfortable to be around??
Have you no charm?? Sense of humor?? Know when to shut up??
What did you do to catch her attention, and interest before??
Go back and get it, from where you put it.
Ryan, where are you? You are talking about yourself as a 'Third person', and you are basically not wrong here..
There are three individuals in each of us: Me, Myself, and I.
Me, the Infant, Myself, the adolescent and I, the adult..
Well, when one is stronger than the others, you're off balance.
The 'me' in you wants to cry or smash things right now because he can't have his toy.
The 'myself' in you is feeling sorry for himself because he got a little rejected and his ego is hurt and he does not want to remember that he's the one who messed up in the first place by playing a game.
And the 'adult' probably wants to go out and get drunk and laid because the other two are predominant right now. You need to get that adult back to reality before you screw up some more.
I hope you read this before you go to cook for her because I really don't want you to push a friend away just because she didn't want to get as close as you wanted - that's childish.
Crossing my fingers...
Ok, I will be her friend.. Thank you people.
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Originally Posted by Czosie
This is how I picture you right now...
Stand up, be optimistic and give yourself a chance! Right now, you can use all the friends you've got... so don't push them away. A time will come when you've got your pep back - so do as Tal said, keep on looking for those qualities you've lost - and then gain some more while you're at it.
You guys have always been right, and I am seeing it and understand.. I can't think about relationships, I need to think about ME. I need to just not be so available to her and do things for me instead of always doing everything for her. Its going to be a hard road I know, especially if she starts dating someone. That's probably when I will do NC, lol.. But hopefully things work out with her and I in the long run.. I REALLY NEED to get to know me, and my son, and my job.. and my life.
You guys are awesome though.. This is my plan of action.. Im going to REALLY limit my contact with her and let her contact me, I am not going to put myself out there for her and I am going to get my life together. I don't want to NOT call her as I don't want to completely eliminate conversation but maybe once or twice a week.. I just don't know HOW MUCH contact is acceptable, I want to do what's right. But I do see that I have to move on now.
Believe me, your son will benefit from a father that has his head together too.
You know what to do, and I wish you lots of luck.
Going to call it a day now, so talk to you later.
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Well I just got back from dinner, she gave me a HUGE hug when I got there because I picked up some pickles that she loves.. but um she asked me to get. Anyway we just talked about normal stuff, nothing too serious, her test and what not. She started asking me about girls, and if I was talking to anyone and stuff like that.. which I avoided.. when it was time to go she gave me a huge hug again and said she couldn't wait to talk tomorrow.. This is going to suck so badly
LoL This is going to suck so badly!
Im sorry for laughing but the way you put that was so perfect.
Its just how us guys feel when we are put in the
FRIENDS ZONE
You do know the asking about girl part. Is so a way to say ohh I hope he has found someone else.. I mean you know how that feels when a girl you like asks you if you are talking to any girl
Its like No I'm here with you. You muppet!
Now 2 options here wait around and see if feelings come out. (Mehh)
I would personal leave as if I had as strong feelings for her as you do
My option is to save myself.
And being friends with someone you love.
Well there is nothing worst than that..
No need to be her girlfriend man
If she asks why
Say you want more and are just not in the same place as she is.
ARg, I was afraid someone was going to say that... I was going to see about giving it time.. see if either she came around to trying again, or I came around to being OK with just being her friend
Whichever occurred first
I really don't think I will be in friends zone forever.. I don't know why I can say this.. but I just really feel that once her test is done, I bet money she lets me in again.. she is just too stressed right now to deal with it with everything else..
Well.
If she did have feelings for you. She would not let you go.. and would probable give you a little hint that after all her crazy tests are done. You guys can have fun
It seems to me she has given no such sign.
But! The best thing about humans is. You never know what there going to do!
So good luck :)
I guess I don't know what you mean.. We are planning a trip to take her test together.. the end of November and staying the night down there.. We are going to go see a movie on Sunday together.. her idea... what do you mean?
Ok, I'm going to take a shot at this. Ok, first of all... the whole "friend" thing rarely ever works after you've dated someone. Girls will try this more often than guys will because, I'll tell you a little secret: if a girl is hanging around you after a supposed breakup, more than likely she's sticking around because she doesn't want you dating other people right then, but at the same time she wants to keep her options open as well or in her case she may to busy to know what she really wants relationship wise at the moment and wants you around just in case she changes her mind. Also, she's mad at you and she's showing it by saying " I just want to be friends". You hurt her badly and she knows you still want her. She's using this as an advantage to hurt you back. She knows from watching you that you only become super fond of her if she's unavailable. I mean, you didn't really take the relationship seriously when you did have her. She knows that and she's made herself unavailable to you emotionally by saying "I just want to be friends." She is feeling wanted right now because you are there at her beck and call... and that my friend lets her get what she is needing at the moment. I'm sure she has sincere feelings for you and she may not even realize that she's doing this... but I've seen it all before. She's told you to move on but she knows that you won't because you've already told her that you'll do anything to prove to her that you want to be with her.
Now I'm going to address you. Ok, what's wrong with relationships nowadays is that people have become addicted to passion. If someone ain't having a passionate moment or some kind of drama going on, they get bored. My theory on this is that we watch too many movies and people nowadays are seeking instant gratification no matter what the price. I think some people actually think that the ending of their drama is going to turn out to be a "happily ever after" situation no matter what happens. Obviously you haven't truly seen that yet, because you came on here hoping that someone would tell you that you have another chance with this girl. You are scared right now because reality may truly hit you this time that things may not turn out well. You have been addicted to relationships and you keep going from person to person because once the mundane hits you after being in a relationship for a while, you get bored and find a way to split in the form of lie or deception. I believe you do have sincere, genuine feelings for this girl, but because she is rejecting you... that makes you want to fight harder to get her back. Once you finally get her back and you've made all the passionate make-up sex that your bodies can handle, you have the long romantic dates, and you've spent all most every waking moment together... what happens then? Things start becoming normal. You come home from work and turn on the TV. You eat together and find nothing super exciting to talk about. You go to bed and the next day begins and ends the same way. There's no more big plans to make or big fights to work out. Will you be bored? Will she be bored? If you are bored and if she gets bored, did you really have what you thought was love in the first place or was the chase what fulfilled you for the short while? You've spent a lot of energy on women and relationships. Some people here are telling you to think about YOU right now and get YOU fixed. I think it will only make you more self centered. You have a son and there are many people in the world in need of good friends. Give yourself to those people. Let every thought you have be about someone who truly needs you right now. Keep going to a therapist but then do some charity work... spend time doing what your son likes to do. If you take the focus off you and what you want for a while, maybe you'll see simplistic beauty in the world. Take a break from thinking about what this girl needs so much and if she wants you, and put your pondering brain to good use in thinking about other people. Enjoy routine life... enjoy life without seeking the next thrill of emotional adrenaline rush. When you truly understand love, you'll realize it's not someone you have to win over. True love happens when you and the other person no longer need to earn anything from each other. You just simply enjoy the time spent together rather than taking that person for granted.
Thank you for the answer, I appreciate it.. I really hope that I can regain her trust, gain her back and become myself over the next few months.. But first of all I hope to regain myself.. I hope that in the end everything works out
I like the way you put this piece of 'reality' in your post. All of it was sincere and to the point.Quote:
Originally Posted by keg_kim
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You really need to work on yourself if you are so easy to jump into sadness again just because one poster said something negative.. Our advice is to help you along and decide for yourself, not take each word as gospel, for goodness sakes!
Look.. it's your life here and you know better than any one of us what you did and what you have to work on - and the possibilities for your future if you continue to have patience.
You also have some Quality Time to spend with your son, so that Adult in you has to take the upper hand, not the school boy in lust.
I'm glad that you finally notice that she does have a few things in her life to take care of and she is not as apt to loose her head as you are. Learn from that.
TrueFaith has forgotten the fact that you screwed up and she is giving you a chance to be a friend so she has not totally written you off as a blunderer. Think positive for goodness sakes, but don't think bedroom yet!
We admit that the percentages are low going from friendship to more, but it is possible in the long-run. It depends on the individuals involved and how they advance. Plus, that adult in you should know the difference between love and lust, and you are in the 'need lust' mode - don't deny it.
Now, go and do something fun with your son and have a good upcoming weekend!
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So Friday my son and I are going trick or treating! Woot, then my brother and a couple of buddies are going to a halloween party.. Saturday morning we are getting up and traveling about 6 hours to go to a octoberfest party, and then we are going to a great big sea concert. Going to be a blast.. And update on her and I, I have no intention of just texting her out of the blue, she can get a hold of me.. This morning she shot me a message on Facebook to tell Hi,
It appears I have left my phone at home today by accident. So don't think because I'm not texting you that I don't want to talk to you OK? Will talk as soon as I can.
See you.
:-)
Only problem is I DID need to get a hold of her so ic alled her office to ask her about the money she was going to xfer into my account. After we hung up she got on Facebook and said.. I just wanted to take an oppurtunity to say hi to you one more time, didn't want to miss that chance. Said that she was going to try to get on at lunch time and I should try to meet her there, and that she would call me as soon as she got home from work.. arg
You say you want to regain her trust and regain yourself. A person is like a garden. However much work you put into a garden is going to be a big determining factor for how much your garden yields. You are standing by, watering the garden here and there, watching and waiting impatiently to get what you want without even thinking about pulling weeds and fertilizing. This is your life... You are doing what YOU think will help you get the results that you want without trying to do the things you KNOW that you have to do in order to be OK. How will you regain yourself if you are not putting healthy choices first in your life? Is it really healthy to think about getting this girl back right now when you are a mess? What do you mean "I hope I can become myself over the next few months."? Even in the midst of good people giving you advice, you are still trying to blow over what the real issues are. I do not think you came on here for advice. I think you just truly wanted someone to tell you that you have another chance with this girl. I don't think you ever truly wanted to have a revalation in your life or try to make change. You want to appear to be changing right now because you think it will yield the fastest results... getting this girl back. I can guarantee you that you will be in this position over and over again until you make necessary, lasting change. I know this because my husband and I almost lost our marriage over making short term changes versus long term changes. We'd act like we were making changes for a short while to get back into eachother's good graces, then when we felt comfortable with things going well again... we'd go and make the same idiotic mistakes all over again. True love takes sacrifice... no, not temporary sacrifice... long lasting, grueling, painful change. My friend, you have a long road ahead of you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Czosie
This is the first time you've mentioned that there is money involved. Care to tell us more about this, please. And, if there is anything else that you maybe forgot to mention, don't make me beg or draw it out piece by piece - I'm not one of the girls you have to conceal or lie to to look good.Quote:
Originally Posted by Czosie
I don't know how long my cancer will let me stay on this planet, but I certainly don't want to waste my time trying to help when I cannot see the 'whole picture'. And on this one, it seems the paint is not totally dry yet, first the son was added, and now the money OK -... out with it!
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Yes, I agree with this. Why are you giving her money?Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Oh when I moved out of the apartment my bed was left there, she just bought my bed. She needed a bed.. so I sold it to her cheap.. that's all
I guess I didn't think my son who doesn't live with me full time and her buying my bed from me was important info to the situation.. I'm sorry.. I bought the bed when her and I started dating, and I just couldn't keep it, it was too hard.. So I'm taking the money from the bed and going on that trip I described earlier.. as for my son he stays with me 2 nights a week and comes to supper 1 night week.
Your son is important in the situation... the bed thing isn't. It just sounded funny when you said you were waiting for her to transfer some money to your account. That's all.Quote:
Originally Posted by Czosie
Ya, I'm sorry... I wasn't lying or holding out information on purpose..
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