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Chalk it up as something you know about your b/f and honestly talk to him about your feelings. How old is he anyway as this can be something that a lot of young guys do. You are his g/f but he is still single so for now all you can do is see what he says when you two talk.
I personally disagree with bikini contests from a moral perspective, but insofar as the 'danger,' there isn't much distinction between those and maxim or S.I. They tend to be impersonal events, big crowds shouting at people at good distances. Just a guys' thing to do together. The strip clubs, on the other hand, usually cross the line into the personal. Don't get too worried, but at the same time, let him know how you feel about it. If your relationship is serious and he respects you, he'll listen to you, talk about it, and maybe even stop going (eventually).
Or he will go and won't tell you! Be very careful about how you present this subject to him ,because if you demand he not go he will be highly ticked off that you would tell him what to do. Why argue when you can discuss. A relationship is about talking to people on an equal level. Ultimatums, demands, or manipulations, only drive a wedge of resentment between two people. You also said your b/f is going with his mostly SINGLE buddies, Hello he is single also he just has a girlfriend. If he were going to booty bars by himself and not tell you, I'd worry, but a bunch of young guys going to a bikini contest?? And he told you about it?? No big deal!
I've read through this thread and get a strange little sense that its about loving a man who would do this thing that seems a bit trashy. But since it's a tiny trashy thing at best, I somehow also get that there is more to this than that too... and would ask for more defining what is this really about in the hopes that it is NOT about attempting to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse!
Hey everyone... My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 18 months. A few days ago he decided to drive to Florida with his friend on a whim because the Bears are in the superbowl (we live in Chicago). I trust my boyfriend, but his single player friend is definietly a bad influence. Anyway he said I don't have anything to worry about but I do. Right now he is drunk on the beach and said that earlier some hot chick was checking him out and came right out and told him she wanted him. He said he told her he had a girlfriend and turned around and that his friend has been calling him a 'fag' ever since. Why? Apparently because she was a 9 (on the 1-10 scale). A few months ago my boyfriend asked one of his friends once what he would rate me (to get an objective view, apparetnly) and this guy said a 7. Now he's still out at the bar and tomroow is going to be even worse because I image it is going to be like spring break in Miami during and after the superbowl (go Bears!). I do trust him, so I guess the issue is more about my own insecurities. I'm constatnly thinking that I'm not good enough, etc. etc. I know this is unhealthy and I shouldn't be feeling like this and I don't want to... but I can't. He always says it's different when a girl goes out to a bar then when a guy does because a girl gets hit on all the time and is sought after, whereas a guy can just sit back and if he doesn't choose nothing ever happens. I don't turn 21 for a few more moths so I'll have to see for myself how my experiences go, but obviously there are girls forcefully hitting on him. Oddly enough, I was never physically attracted to him in the beginning of our relationship but I guess he's gotten better looking or something because he's a big hit at bars, although he continues to insist that his friend is the one who gets hit on most. Anyway, wouldn't it be horrible if I couldn't stand to have a relationship with a great looking man because he got hit on a lot? If we're out together and he bumps into some good looking girl he knows I absolutely hate it - neurotic, I know. Obviously I can't always be with him in life, but I can't seem to shake this anxious, worthless feeling. How do I get through tomorrow... and just stop thinking like this because relationships should be fun and not depressing.. I admit, I go to college without my boyfriend around most of the time and I am so busy doing great in school, being an RA (which pretty much takes up ALL of my time as it is a 24/7 job) and working another outside job as well as belonging to various organizations. SO, I don't have time to fuss too much with my appearance or have a social life... and honestly I don't even have the inclination to talk to other guys. This is a lot different from my freshman year, when I always looked cute for class and got dressed up to go out a lot and had tons of guy friends calling me all the time. I realize my new way of life is much more mature and responsible, but is it bringing me down in spirits? Help - I can't stop imagining my boyfriend being hit on by tons of hot women and having a blast while I'm stuck at school!
First of all, you probably wouldn't be having these insecurities about "hot women" if you'd take a little time each day to fix yourself up again like you did in the past.
I've let myself go before because I felt guilty taking time for myself aside from work and children. I felt terrible about myself and my appearance and had to start making time to care for myself as well. I know it may seem tough to fit it in, but it can be done with a little effort on your part.
Secondly, your BF may be exaggerating which is fueling your insecurities even further.
So, my advice is to spend a little time on fixing yourself up each day so you can feel better about yourself and to be proud that you have a BF that's WITH YOU who is worthy enough to be hit on by other women... And, your "new" confidence will draw him to you even more...
Well the fact that he likes the bears is disturbing and great cause for a lack of good taste.
But from a male perspective I think he's being somewhat fair with you.
Assuming as you say later that he is trust worthy and it's your own insecurities that you have a concern with, maybe he's telling you this to not keep secrets from you and to let you know that he's thinking of you.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
Because that's how guys act. When I have a male friend that calls his wife or girlfriend I always talk in the background saying things like, "I just wanted to check in because you have my manhood in check" or "can we spoon later?" Guys tease other guys. That's what we do.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
So what? Pam Anderson's hot too but I wouldn't touch her. She has hepatitis and God knows what else.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
He’s going out with you. Isn’t that kind of a huge indication he finds you attractive and probably rates you a 10. Someone else’s opinion is irrelevant.
Probably for the Colts fans it will be.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
But are you going to spend you whole life doing this? Worrying about something you can’t control. Do you think this kind of thing makes him like you more or resent you more?
What do you mean forcefully hitting on him? Yes guys do get hit on in bars. But I can tell you that taking your girlfriend to the bar every time you go isn’t fun either. Sometimes guys just have to go out with the guys. Guys also get hit on in other places besides bars.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
I’m not sure you can get this because you very young and I think you need some life experience but if he’s a hit at bars it’s because he’s fun to be around. I manage a bar and one of our customers has scar tissue on about 60% of is body including his face and he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He’s constantly smiling and has such a great attitude. This past summer he broke up with a beautiful girl and I’ve heard other girls say how much they love him and were jealous of his now ex. I haven’t heard anything about him dating again but I can assure you he will date another beautiful woman.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
It has nothing to do with his looks. It has to do with him. He’s got “it” and people are just naturally drawn into him.
With all due respect you need to drop People magazine and Entertainment Tonight or any other Hollywood marketing press and see how people really are in the real world. That’s what I meant by needing life experience. In high school looks mean something, in life they don’t mean as much because guys think (right or wrong) that better looks mean she’s more stuck up. Personality will win in the long run and especially in bars.
Does this guy have anything to offer besides looks? If he looked like Brad Pitt but beat you everyday would say that’s cool because he looks like Brad Pitt? Can you actually name anything besides his looks that you like?Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
Yes they should and this isn’t a relationship. This is a trophy boyfriend. Your using him. You don’t seem to appreciate anything about him from what I can gather.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
Maybe he appreciates that. You might want to ask him. Ask him what he sees in you. Maybe that will reassure you and also get some concrete answers as to what the common connections are here between you too.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
Why don’t you set up a date night where you can get dressed up. Why don’t you set up times where you can be available to him even if it’s just for lunch. Ask him what he sees in you so that you can get some confirmation. If he’s really a good guy this behavior is only going to drive him away, which is ironically what you fear the most.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTeri
If he is going to cheat he will with the girl at the Burger King downt he street. He is no more or less trust worthly last week when he was somewhere else as he is today.
Next there are always a girl or guy better looking or prettier.
And of course the first key word is "drinking" getting drunk really responible people don't get drunk, so he is showing a level of not being responsible bu just doing that.
If you read about 1/2 of the posts here all of the bad ones start with the words, ( we were out drinking, or he was drunk) So if drinking and getting drunk is part of his everyday activities, he needs help in that area of his life.
And for you being mature does not mean not keeping our looks up and feelling good about yourself.
Assuming as you say later that he is trust worthy and it's your own insecurities that you have a concern with, maybe he's telling you this to not keep secrets from you and to let you know that he's thinking of you.
I agree with you here, he is usually very straightforward with me and knows that I want to know the truth even if I won't like it. This is something I love about him.
Because that's how guys act. When I have a male friend that calls his wife or girlfriend I always talk in the background saying things like, "I just wanted to check in because you have my manhood in check" or "can we spoon later?" Guys tease other guys. That's what we do.
This is just an excuse for bad behavior. I hate that explanation for anything and everything guys do: "That's just how guys are". BOGUS.
But are you going to spend you whole life doing this? Worrying about something you can’t control. Do you think this kind of thing makes him like you more or resent you more?
I don't want to spend my whole life like this nor have I much in the past, which is why I'm worried about myself here in the first place. And no, I don't think "this kind of thing" makes him like me any more or resent me any more either. I think I may have miscommunicated the extent of this situation. I realize I shouldn't be feeling like this and that it's definitely unattractive because it's the opposite of confident, so I try my best to deal with it on my own instead of nagging or bugging him with it. That's why I'm here, looking for some adivce, instead of having huge dramatic phone converstions with him and wasting his time over it while he's supposed to be having fun in Florida.
What do you mean forcefully hitting on him? Yes guys do get hit on in bars. But I can tell you that taking your girlfriend to the bar every time you go isn’t fun either. Sometimes guys just have to go out with the guys. Guys also get hit on in other places besides bars.
Maybe forcefully was the wrong word, I meant aggressively or proactively.
With all due respect you need to drop People magazine and Entertainment Tonight or any other Hollywood marketing press and see how people really are in the real world. That’s what I meant by needing life experience. In high school looks mean something, in life they don’t mean as much because guys think (right or wrong) that better looks mean she’s more stuck up. Personality will win in the long run and especially in bars.
Does this guy have anything to offer besides looks? If he looked like Brad Pitt but beat you everyday would say that’s cool because he looks like Brad Pitt? Can you actually name anything besides his looks that you like?
Yes they should and this isn’t a relationship. This is a trophy boyfriend. Your using him. You don’t seem to appreciate anything about him from what I can gather.
HARSH... I know looks arent' everything (beat me? Was that really necessary to make your point?). That is why I dated him in the first place when I wasn't physically attracted to him. He was a fun guy who showed me that he would care about me. I'm aplogise ahead of time for saying this (because I hope you have good intentions and are just trying to help) but I really resent you saying that we don't have a real relationship and he is a trophy boyfriend. This could not be more wrong and you seem to have missed an important part of my explanation: I did not go out with him for looks! I appreciate a lot of things about him, including his honesty, caring andsense of humor. I know I called myself neurotic in my explanation, but I meant just right now... in my own head. You make it seem like he is dating a superficial nutcase. We have an amazing relationship and barely ever fight (and by fight, I mean argue with slightly raised tones on his part - never any of the swearing and throwing drama that we could never do). And, according to all of his friends, I'm a much more laid back and chill girlfriend than any they have ever had. I always want him to make his own choices in life and I don't try to control him or change him. In fact, I was the one who even made his trip to Florida possible because I had to loan him $400 so that he could even go down here. If I was really as bad as you make me out to be, I would have definitely just told him I didn't have the money and there, my problem would have been solved. The thing is, I want him to experience life and I wanted him to take this opportunity to do something spontaeous and exciting and fun and that's why he's down in Florida right now. And I knew I might feel uncomfortable with him being hundreds of miles away and surrounded by scantily clad women in an exciting and intoxicated atmosphere, but I still thought he should go. Do you understand?
I know what he sees in me, I'm smart, beautiful, selfless, caring, exciting, fun, understanding and responsible. I play the piano (which he loves to hear) and have a great family and all of his family adores me as well. Since we've been dating he's actually held down a job and I've encouraged and helped him get out of some stupid debt he's gotten himself into (like adding him as an authorized user on my credit card to improve his credit rating and allow him to refinance his car, and obviously paying for my half of things most of the time - there are those few times when he insists) All of his friends like me as far as I can tell. I'm trustworthy, empathetic and good at compromising. In fact, my boyfriend tells me I'm perfect all the time... and I tell him that's not true, that no one is. The only things I know that he doesn't like about me is my occasional smoking (this is a double standard anyway since he's a full time smoker) and my lack of (accoriding to him) exceptional driving skills.
Hmm, I started responding because you made me feel bad about myself with all of your criticism of me, especially when all I wanted was advice on how to completely trust another person, and I was a little angry. But in the long run, maybe you accidentally did help me, because after having to defend myself, I feel a lot better! So thank you!
Why don’t you set up a date night where you can get dressed up. Why don’t you set up times where you can be available to him even if it’s just for lunch. Ask him what he sees in you so that you can get some confirmation. If he’s really a good QUOTE]
I apologize, I think I must have miscommunicated a lot of things about our situation: I live in a dorm in Chicago, an hour away from where he lives and works in the suburbs (we can't see each other for lunch). And whenever I do see him, every weekend most of the time, I do get dressed up and spend extra time on my appearance. The only reason I don't at school is because he's not around and if I was to spend any time on looking great that would be time taken away from a good workout, actually finishing those chapters for class, helping a freshman resident with a crisis about classes or homesickness (RA = Resident Assistant, I'm the upperclassman living with a floor of freshmen girls, making bulletin boards and door decs, administrative work, making rounds through the hall, reporting maintenance issues and yes, enforcing policies), or even a sorely needed extra hour of sleep.
Last time I posted here was around finals last year, May '06. Then my boyfriend had recently turned 21 and I was upset because it seemed like he was pulling away from me and spending more time and money at bars. Most of the responses I got back were very negative: saying things like: he's cheating on you, he's too young and wild to be in a committed relationship or that our relationship was basically over already and maybe he was trying to get me to break up with him. Well, that turned out to be all wrong. He stopped going to bars so much. Our relationship grew stronger over the summer and then we hit our one year anniversary. This past winter break both of our parents met and had dinner together for the first time. We spent the holidays with each other, Xmas Eve at my house, Xmas day at his grandparents'.
Do I make things sound a lot worse than they really are? I though I was pretty clear on the fact that I am not worried about our relationship, just my current mental state concerning our relationship. I'm too much of a perfectionist at times. Sorry for wasting your time, I guess I really don't have anything to worry about. Maybe I can't always be as hardworking as I though I was and I'm just jealous at how much fun he's having while I'm not. Especially since we were supposed to go to Daytona for Bike Week during my spring break but I doubt that will happen now.
I believe everyone makes things sound worse than they really are while upset about the issue... Don't worry... It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a guy that really cares. All relationships are going to have issues like these... just be strong and work through them together...
Kae
I think we all have those low moments when we see gray instead of blue. Just know what it is and it will pass, so don't act on those feelings when they come up. Communicate as it sound like this is a pretty good relationship. Why is the bike trip off, or didn't you hear the Bears lost so we fans ain't to happy this morning GRRR!Quote:
Do I make things sound a lot worse than they really are? I though I was pretty clear on the fact that I am not worried about our relationship, just my current mental state concerning our relationship. I'm too much of a perfectionist at times. Sorry for wasting your time, I guess I really don't have anything to worry about. Maybe I can't always be as hardworking as I though I was and I'm just jealous at how much fun he's having while I'm not. Especially since we were supposed to go to Daytona for Bike Week during my spring break but I doubt that will happen now.
Yesterday I found out that my boyfriend of over a year went to a strip club while in Flordida and never told me about it.
His friend brought it up in conversation while we were all present, complaining that my boyfriend wanted to leave Lollipops (strip club) after only 15 minutes because he felt sick.
I confronted him about it right then, wondering why I never knew about it. He said he told me. Definitely not. He told me all about some girl who hit on him and he denied, but not once metnioned a strip club. He knew he never told me. He's a liar twice. Then he has the nerve to say: Are you really going to get mad about this?
I let it go because we were with company and I hate to make a scene. Then we went our separate ways, he drove back to the suburbs with his friend and I stayed at my dorm in the city.
I acted fine, but I'm really shaken by this. One of the main reason I'm dating him is because I had complete trust in him and now I feel like a fool. Even worse, I still want to trust him but I would be an idiot to do so because he has lied to me before: I stumbled upon a drawer full of stuff from his ex-gf while cleaning and told him about it. He was afraid I was going to be really pissed and tell him to get rid of it, but I just wanted him to pack it up and put it in the attic. This was a month ago. Two weeks ago I asked him if he did it and he said yes with complete confidence. He didn't.
Our whole relationship is based on a lie I guess. He had broken up with her a month before we met, but of course he told me it was much longer than that or else I would have stayed away from such a recent break up.
No, this isn't about her. This is about his third lie to me now... and what about all those I don't know about? Wors part is he thinks he can be mad at me for being mad about this. I'm so glad he hasn't callled me since yet because I don't really want to talk to him as I have no idea what to say.
What's his deal? And can I trust him again?
Well - guys will lgo to strip clubs. Always.
I bet there's stuff you've kept from - that's for sure.
Always.
But - it soundsl like he's lied about more... not good.
Lying is a deal breaker in my book - always. 3 lies. There might be more then he hasn't told you.
How can you trust a liar? You can't. That's how.
With all due respect, a better question to ask yourself might be how many times will you need to post about this to hear what people are saying?
Has he ever actually cheated on you or have you found anything to suggest he is interested in cheating? Has he written a letter to his ex saying he wants her back when you to are together? Right now it just sounds like he is being a guy doing guy things etc. but if/when he ever tells you that he is not cheating and you find something saying that he is, then all trust is lost and you know the next step
You cannot trust him. That's all. Sorry.
Honestly, none of this sounds that bad... Are you sure he's not just walking on egg shells trying to make you happy?
Is this the same guy you've been posting about since last May?
Yes, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now - same guy.
You have never trusted him. You have trust issues.
He probably doesn't trust you either. After all didn't you go snooping through his stuff?
How do you enjoy this relationship. So many drama's. Over nothing I might add! It sounds to me that he does just as well to put up with you as you do to put up with him.
I myself am lost... and I feel your pain... hold on... and when you think your holding too tight... let go... if it comes back of course its yours... if not... cherish his friendship and enjoy life
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