Looks like there is not going to be a birthday... I called the birthday girl to wish her a happy birthday, had a nice 5 min conversation. I asked her how she plans to celebrate... she said "not much...just a few people might come over or nothing at all"... so I wished her a happy birthday, told her to keep in touch and take care... didnt ask her anything about my ex obviously

Back to square 1 I guess... giving the ex time and distance... maybe a few more days (until it becomes 2 weeks.. then we'll see)

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

looks like there is not gonna be a birthday...i called the birthday girl to wish her a happy birthday, had a nice 5 min convo. i asked her how she plans to celebrate...she said "not much...just a few people might come over or nothing at all"...so i wished her a happy birthday, told her to keep in touch and take care...didnt ask her anything about my ex obviously

back to square 1 i guess...giving the ex time and distance...maybe a few more days (until it becomes 2 weeks..then we'll see)

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All right.. you're on the right track~
Just forget that girl..

The ex called me tonight! Hahaaaiiiiii... just to see how I was doing... I was nice on the phone (asking her how she is, how is work, etc.), but also showed her that I'm OK and that I'm having fun.. told her I went out on the weekend to party

She asked what I was doing and with who, I told her I was with "a friend" at the mall, when I was actually alone... she went quiet for a bit... it was like a normal 4 minute conversation... then towards the end, the line started cutting and could barely hear her.. and the conversation ended without a proper bye or talk to you later

So when I got home 2 hours later, I messaged "sorry about before, but i couldnt hear you very well and my friend kept asking me about what shoes she should buy! (to make her a bit jealous) anyway, it was nice talking to you. Have a good day tmrw, goodnight"

I felt it was a very plain message... no smiley faces or emotion, etc... it apologizes for the dry conversation at the end, it makes her a bit jealous, but also says that it was nice talking to her, but all in a plain way

What you think? About her calling and about my message? What is the next step? Thanks

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

the ex called me tonight! hahaaaiiiiii...just to see how i was doing...i was nice on the phone (asking her how she is, how is work, etc.), but also showed her that im ok and that im having fun..told her i went out on the weekend to party

she asked what i was doing and with who, i told her i was with "a friend" at the mall, when i was actually alone...she went quiet for a bit...it was like a normal 4 minute conversation...then towards the end, the line started cutting and could barely hear her..and the convo ended without a proper bye or talk to you later

so when i got home 2 hours later, i messaged "sorry about before, but i couldnt hear you very well and my friend kept asking me about what shoes she should buy! (to make her a bit jealous) anyway, it was nice talking to you. Have a good day tmrw, goodnight"

i felt it was a very plain message...no smiley faces or emotion, etc...it apologizes for the dry convo at the end, it makes her a bit jealous, but also says that it was nice talking to her, but all in a plain way

what ya'll think? about her calling and about my message? what is the next step? thanks

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She called you... she cut the NC~

Anyway, just let her do the wanting back...

Don't make her too jealous or she may just feel that you are happy with 'the new girl' and back off all together.

True.. she should be doing the wanting back... so that's why I backed off for almost 10 days and she called...

And about the not making her too jealous.. I thought about it.. u got to regulate it... told her I went partying and was with a friend shopping... next time, I won't mention anything

So I take it the message I sent was good? But who does the next step? Do I call in a couple of days, or do I let her call back since I sent a message?

This is so confusing.. I hate the relationship games.. single life is so much easier!

Yeah maybe next time a 'just laying back at home alone and a little down not knowing what to do this weekend''. Then it leaves the door open for her to ask if you want to join her or if you want some company.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

yeah maybe next time a 'just laying back at home alone and a little down not knowing what to do this weekend''. Then it leaves the door open for her to ask if you want to join her or if you want some company.

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Basically, make a mini-trap to see a good plan.

Yeah.. good idea... she knows that on the weekend my roommate will be out of the country, so no wing man to party with

I'm thinking 2 options: 1) calling her on weekend... see how she is, tell her I'm bored, and see if she wants to do smthg (like u said)

2) not calling her, but calling her friends to invite them out, and tell them to tell her to come

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

yeah..good idea...she knows that on the weekend my roomate will be out of the country, so no wing man to party with

im thinking 2 options: 1) calling her on weekend...see how she is, tell her im bored, and see if she wants to do smthg (like u said)

2) not calling her, but calling her friends to invite them out, and tell them to tell her to come

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Option 2 is better~ not a direct threat.

Yeah... I think so too... 1) I messaged last 2) won't risk her saying no 3)maybe the first time seeing each other after the break up would be easier around people, then with time invite her out alone

It took me quite a long time to read through your original post and all the following posts, I think the option 1 is better, I don't think invite lots of friends is a good idea. You told her you were with a "girl". Its childish, sorry.
If I were u, I would call her, and suggest a dinner or movie or something, and be friendly to her, not confront of whether she want to be with her ex or with u, not put pressure on her, just be friendly, but let her know the door is open to her, if she want to be back to u, she is welcome.

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

but my next question is: 1) when do i call my ex again? how long is enough time for her space? 2) do i call, or wait for her to do the move?....the reason i am suggesting to call is because i believe if i want to get her back in some way, i need to be in the picture...maybe a phonecall once a week..a message here and there....because everyday i dont contact her, im sure her prick ex is calling...so i need to get back in the picture somehow,....im not saying pressure, and calling everyday, and asking to see her evrytime...but i dont see a harm in calling once in a while, lettng her know im ok with the "breakup" and that we can be friends; and that if her stupid ex fukks up again, i'll be there for her as a friend or bf

thanks guys

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So, you NEED to be in the picture and you have decided that he is a prick... buddy, this is all about you and your feelings and no matter what we suggest, you will blindly stay with your plan. You are obsessed and the only way you are going to learn a lesson on this is on your own - so do what you want, when you want to. There is no recipe for handling a relationship - it all depends on your mental make-up and how you cope with rejection and from what I have read - you still have a lot to learn.

So, no matter what your choice on this issue will bring you, I wish you luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

1) appreciate your honesty

2) yes, I believe I NEED to be in the picture if I want her back... how will I get her back if I'm living my own life and she her own.. u have to mix it up from time to time... and I know this from experience... u give a little then back off, etc... too much space isn't good either, especially if there is another guy in the picture

3) I know he is a prick because of what I've seen... the first month she was with me, he would call her and she would tell him to move on and that she has... he would call fighting... she would be with me in the car, and he would tell her "im gonna call ur sister in 5 mins, if ur not home, ur gonna have a problem!"... he sent her a ticket once so she can go back to her country... so maybe he is a nice guy, but from what I have seen, nope

4) look, I want the girl back... I feel she turned to him during a phase of stress... now that she is not getting fired anymore, and I gave her space, maybe she will think clearly again and realize that she is in the same country as me and maybe she made a mistake

5) please explain to me how staying away will get her back? It doesn't cross my mind... I never said pressure... I said maybe some contact here and there

Anyway, I bumped into her and her friends today! Talk about awkward!. (which shows that there are still feelings for me.. bc if she was normal, then it would mean she forgot about me... but awkwardness means feelings)

Anyway, I said hi to all of them, very polite and confident, had most of the conversation with her friends.. I think I had only one sentence with my ex, and I could tell she was trying to avoid looking at me a lot... but I made sure that when I left, I gave a bigger kiss on the cheek to her... kissed the other 2 girls normally, but gave my ex like a 2 second kiss on the cheek on purpose

That's what I mean: giving her the bigger kiss shows I still like her, but ignoring her during the conversation, and excusing myself later to leave shows I'm OK without her

Comments or what is the next step, anyone?

You have all the answers, so what do you need any one's opinion for?? Your fooling yourself bigtime.

No talaniman... the whole point of this website is to ask for advice or help, is it not? Even ifi decide to do what I see is best for me (merely because I know the girl best), it does not mean that I don't listen to or appreciate anyone's opinion!

I read all posts and I help others with their questions as well... anyway, it may seem I have all the answers, but the truth is I am confused and do think twice before any contact or action with the ex

So, how am I fooling myself?

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

this is how it goes down: my girl was with someone for 10 yrs! since she was 15...they lived together for 3 yrs...they would break up and get back, but she would always go back to him...about 6 months ago, he asked her to marry him..she rejected his because she was moving to another country for work, and bc she was willing to see what else is out there

thats where i come in...about 4 months ago, i met her at a party and we hit it off....we really started falling for each other, and started to really like each other...she told me that im the only one for her, etc...she made it clear to me that she wants to move on with me and ditch her past, and concentrate on us, but she just needed time...for example, when we would be getting sexual, she would sometimes hesitate first, because it would be the first time with someone new (other than her ex of 10yrs)...i didnt care, i really liked her, so i respected her past, respected the fact that she was with someone for so long, and didnt mind taking it slow with her until she fully forgets about him

things were going fine until, she got a warning at work..she was told to pick up her sales within 2 weeks or shes getting fired! so of course she started panicking and worrying, etc...she only wanted to stay home and never felt like going out..i would have to beg her to go out so i can see her...

after about 10 days of not seeing her and arguing a bit on the phone...she tells me the truth: for the past week me and my ex started talking again..she said she told him about work and the warning and that she told him bc he is the person that knows her best...she told me that she realized that she still has feelings for him..the exact words were, "i really like you, but i still love my ex...im really confused..maybe we should take it easy for a while, take things slow"

i havent talked to her in almost a week..let her miss me and realize what she is missing...she has a good thing with her here, dont know why she had to rekindle the past...giving her about 10 days-2 weeks to miss me...if she doesnt realize she made a mistake, i think im gonna have to forget about her

my questions are: 1) is my decision good? 2) or do i just call her and fight for her...and tell her she is making a mistake, etc...basically, what will make me get her back...fighting for her, or making her miss me?

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FIGHT! And if that don't work then you can give up.

I know you got close to the girl but 4 months is still a short period for you to be overthinking everything she does now and how to get her back. I know that she was stressed from work and had lot going on that may have cause the break, but could you possibly think that you were maybe a rebound to her long relation, which is why you guys really got close but eventually ended it because she never had the time to grieve and move past her 10 year relatioshiop. Just something to think about!!

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

no talaniman....the whole point of this website is to ask for advice or help, is it not?! even ifi decide to do what i see is best for me (merely because i know the girl best), it does not mean that i dont listen to or appreciate anyones opinion!

i read all posts and i help others with their questions as well....anyway, it may seem i have all the answers, but the truth is i am confused and do think twice before any contact or action with the ex

so, how am i fooling myself?

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Lots of people ask advice and after listening to people tell them one thing, they know more than ever that they want to do something else. But that back and forth helps! I don't think that asking a question obliges you to follow the advice you get. I hate it when people say, "So why did you bother asking me?"

Tabbarat, I think you are emotionally brave. It's much easier to fade away, never call her, and just not try. I wish you luck! You are way ahead of many people who don't know what they want. Hopefully, she will appreciate your bravery and love and come back. If it doesn't turn out, I hope you will not blame her, but think of your own efforts as coming from pure intentions that make you able to be a great lover to someone else.

Thank you! For the past week I've been getting all these posts saying "give up, move on, its a losing battle, etc."... all I'm saying is giving space to vent or let someone think things through is smthg, and giving up is smthg else... what happened to going down fighting? I'm a person that will try everything first, so that I won't have any regrets later... I know that if I just give up and HOPE she comes back, it might not work... so I gave her space for a week, and SHE called me... now I'll give her another couple of days, then I'll call her... it has to be a back and forth

Maybe I was a rebound.. of course I think about it... but I know the girl saw me as more than that... in fact, she told me that she hasn't fallen so fast for someone before me... on top of that, I know she still has feelings after these 2 weeks because of the awkwardness yesterday when we bumped into each other

And in any case, if it doesn't work out, I won't blame her... bc 1) she would have left me for an ex of 10yrs (worthy reason), its not like she met someone else or lost feelings for me.. 2) she was honest with me.. she told me the truth... other girls would have just distanced themselves.. will always appreciate that

So thank you, ASKING, your right; it is easier to just fade away

Oh.. and for all the people who are calling me "obsessive", you don't know me and sorry you guys were never truly loved.. regards :)

I don't think she knows what she wants I'm with a guy who just split from a 10 year relationship and I know he still loves her its hard for me to but I'm in a different relationship to you I have a kid to this man and yes I was the rebound. My opion is to confront her straight on what she wants and needs and what she expects from the future if its you then she shouldn't be like this with you as she will push you away.
You also have to think about yourself (which I haven't done) do you want to be with this person who still has feelings for there ex, this will cause many problems in the future for you as it has for me I'm still working on it 3 years later. Hope all goes well for you and you get the outcome you need. ;)

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

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anyway, I bumped into her and her friends today! Talk about awkward!. (which shows that there are still feelings for me.. bc if she was normal, then it would mean she forgot about me... but awkwardness means feelings)

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Not too sure about that.. awkwardness just means very uncomfortable to me..

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that's what I mean: giving her the bigger kiss shows I still like her, but ignoring her during the convo, and excusing myself later to leave shows I'm OK without her

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Again, to me this looks like you have a possessive attitude and wanted to 'brand' her. HER feelings were not on your mind there at all.

Comments or what is the next step, anyone?

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So, you see things can be seen differently under different circumstances. All I'm trying to tell you is that you need to tell yourself whether you want her because you have to win all the time, or do you think knowing her for 4 months proves your un-dying love and respect for her? Double check your motives here and if you really think you have a chance and are positive that you are the one to make her happier than anyone else in her life, keep on trying, but don't make a contest out of it.

Again, good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

The only reason I said to back off is because how could you want to try to be with someone who isn't completely over her ex. The only reason for them not being together is due to her move. What happens your get back together than weeks or months you wind up in the same boat. Again, in order for her to be able to fully devote herself to you is not to be emotional attached to anyone else. Only than can she give you her all. I am not telling you this just because but only because I learned this from experience. One someone is not over someone and your giving your all it tends to put a lot of questions in your mind.

Chery: I appreciate your wishes... I don't want to have to justify that she still has feelings.. bc if you were in my place you could tell... when she called me 2 nights ago, she asked who I was with, went quiet when I told her I was with a "friend", she told me she was looking at old pics of us, and there was a bit of flirting on the phone... it is obvious our feelings are still there, but the difference is I want to express them, she wants to try to get over them until she sorts her life out (work, ex, etc.)

I miss her a lot and things were going amazing... I was away for 3 weeks during summer, and she would call me twice a day and constant messages telling me she missed me.. when I came back she wanted to see me everyday.. so, yes, I do want her for what we had and can have, NOT because there is another guy in the pic.. her ex was always in the pic in one way or another (read my question about how she wanted to take things slow physically), but it never stopped me

Liz: u are right... im not denying... since she turned to her ex during her time of stress, if we get back, it will always make me think... but these issues can be solved by talking and having a mature conversation... giving up and backing off won't solve much.. thanks again

Another thing... my life from ages 16-27 has been mostly about playing around and enjoying the single party life... I only give my heart and best when I think its someone worth it... and that's why I've only had 2 "serious" relaionships (one for almost 5 yrs, and now this one for 4 months)... the rest were meaningless or no more than 1 or 2 months

Just to give my perspective about why I'm being "possessive" :P

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Originally Posted by Chery

All I'm trying to tell you is that you need to tell yourself whether you want her because you have to win all the time, or do you think knowing her for 4 months proves your un-dying love and respect for her? Double check your motives here and if you really think you have a chance and are positive that you are the one to make her happier than anyone else in her life, keep on trying, but don't make a contest out of it.

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I think this is a really good point.

I have always found it helpful to give some situations some time, before going back, and taking a second look, just for the added perspective. Having a balance also puts things in a more realistic light also.

Rejection can leave us with some rather weird feelings to deal with.

Don't expect anything from her, tabbarat.

True talinaman... time is important... gave her almost 10 days of no contact before she called me... the only thing I realized being away from her is that I miss her, we can have smthg amazing still

hjpan: your right as well... not expecting anything... learned to be realistic and keep my expectations low so that I won't be disappointed, BUT if I'm going to go down, its going down knowing that I just didn't give up

Moreover, my ex, the one I went out with for almost 5yrs... about 3 months after we broke up, she met someone and now are getting engaged after about 2 yrs togeher... so I doubt she is marrying a rebound... sometimes you can find love right after a long relationship... rare but possible

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Originally Posted by tabbarat

true talinaman...time is important...gave her almost 10 days of no contact before she called me...the only thing i realized being away from her is that i miss her, we can have smthg amazing still

hjpan: ur right as well...not expecting anything...learned to be realistic and keep my expectations low so that i wont be disappointed, BUT if im going to go down, its going down knowing that i just didnt give up

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That's the spirit =]

I don't expect my ex to crawl back to me or even "be-friend" me

I do want to know how things go, and do hope you will win her back, keep me posted. Because, I talked to my ex yesterday, and told him I log on this site often recently, we are good friends now, I still hv feelings for him, but it desnt prevent us to be friends, he is such a good friend of me, we exchange the tidbits of daily life every day,and I'm in a similar situation of u, he hs a long time relationship, and I'm the new one (6 months), he went back with his ex, and I didn't lose hope of getting him back.
So, if finally, after all, at last,eventually, you get her back, that's really a good sign for me.
And let me know your next step.

Sure! Of course I'll let you know... we're in this together! :P

What I'm thinking, is that I'm going to contact her friend today (one of the girls she was with when I bumped into them 2 nights ago), and suggest to do smthg... I'll tell her to tell the "girls" (meaning my ex as well)... that way my ex can come and feel comfortable around her friends (considering it was a bit awkward when we bumped into each other)

If they come, great, I know how to handle it... be nice and polite and crack jokes with everyone, but once in a while flirt with the ex

If they don't, then no problem.. do my own thing on the weekend, and give my ex a call after the weekend to see how she is

The way I see it, is give space, be friendly, do your own thing... but IF you want them back, once in a while you have to mix it up... invite them on a date, have a flirty conversation, etc.. have to keep it balanced; anything to keep you out of the friend zone!

notbigthing: if you want him back, watch out for the friend zone!

I know, tabbarat, I won't let the most beautiful thing ever happened in my life go that easily, :) I hope one day I can write a post with this title---"how i get him back"

Hi everyone! Would appreciate your thoughts on what happened tonight:

I sent one of my ex's friends a message telling them that I'm going to be in this restaurant having dinner and playing some cards, and they (them and my ex) are welcome to join me... they called me later and told me that they are going to passby... when they came, they sat on another table because they didn't want to disturb our card game... but after like 30 minutes, they sent us some drinks, and a note to me saying "hi, hope you are winning"

When that happened, I left my friends and went to sit with them.. we had a nice conversation, still mostly with her friends than her, but less awkward then the time I bumped into her... while we were walking out, I took one of her friends to the side, and told her to take care of my ex for me... we said our goodbyes, and again I gave my ex a big kiss on the cheek

So my analysis: 1) they didn't have to come to the restaurant if my ex didn't want to... I mean if my ex doesn't have feelings anymore, or thinks seeing me is a bad idea or doesn't want to se me, she wouldn't have come... but she did

2) I liked the sending of the drinks and note... whoever sent it (her or her friends), it had to happen with her consent

3) even though it was still a bit awkward and had more conversation with her friends, I still showed I was confident and OK and having fun... BUT I made sure to tell her friend to take care of her and gave her a big kiss on the cheek

I'm interested to know what you guys think... does her coming when I invited them mean smthg, or is it just friendly... what about the drinks and note? Is there a next step?

Thanks

Drinks mean nothing but friendship right now.

The only way to get any meaning is time apart and let her put some real words and feelings together. "I hope you are winning" is not: "we need to talk"... She likes you. But does not like her conflicted feelings and is a bit of a mess... STAY BACK MY FRIEND.

Thanks for the advice... 1) friendship is still better than nothing... I really care about her and do want her to be happy even if its not with me (I told her that)... in any case, friendship means contact, contact means smthg may happen again because I'm still in the picture

2) I agree that "hope you are winning" is nothing major, but it is a first step right? Maybe she doesn't want to talk about us now, she still needs time... so I am giving her time... we went from convos everyday to once or twice a week, and when I bumped into her yesterday it was the first time in almost 20 days!. and when we do talk it is normal conversation, so I am not pressuring her

She knows how I feel, I'm being friendly, giving her space, not bringing up "us" because its still early...

I think you may be betting on the wrong horse, but hey. I know it's hard to walk away.

Hang in there...

A

Hi everyone! Would appreciate your thoughts on what happened tonight:

I sent one of my ex's friends a message telling them that I'm going to be in this restaurant having dinner and playing some cards, and they (them and my ex) are welcome to join me... they called me later and told me that they are going to passby... when they came, they sat on another table because they didn't want to disturb our card game... but after like 30 minutes, they sent us some drinks, and a note to me saying "hi, hope you are winning"

When that happened, I left my friends and went to sit with them.. we had a nice conversation, still mostly with her friends than her, but less awkward then the time I bumped into her... while we were walking out, I took one of her friends to the side, and told her to take care of my ex for me... we said our goodbyes, and again I gave my ex a big kiss on the cheek

So my analysis: 1) they didn't have to come to the restaurant if my ex didn't want to... I mean if my ex doesn't have feelings anymore, or thinks seeing me is a bad idea or doesn't want to se me, she wouldn't have come... but she did

2) I liked the sending of the drinks and note... whoever sent it (her or her friends), it had to happen with her consent

3) even though it was still a bit awkward and had more conversation with her friends, I still showed I was confident and OK and having fun... BUT I made sure to tell her friend to take care of her and gave her a big kiss on the cheek

I'm interested to know what you guys think... does her coming when I invited them mean smthg, or is it just friendly... what about the drinks and note? Is there a next step?

Thanks

Maybe she just wants to go out and show you that she's not spending all her time with this ex. She has a life of her own, and even though you want to be a part of it, as of now-you cant. Be her friend if you don't think it won't hurt you in the end, but, I would just let her do her own thing.. if she tags along that's all her then, but I wouldn't be texting her or anything.

I think its good sign, u just need to step by step to be close to her.

Lostinhiseyes: but why did she come to the same place I was in? She could have easily went somewhere else, or told her friends to go somewhere else.. would she really just come all the way there to show me she is going out? Anyway, her ex of 10 yrs doesn't live in dubai with us

Why the drinks and note? Why start smthg?

Anyway, I learned not to expect anything.. I took it easy and was normal about it... giving it another couple of days and we'll see..