Bravo jai,

You sound like you really have your head wrapped around what is giong on and have good direction in your life. You know what you need to do and are sticking to it. I'm glad to see that.

The things you are feeling are not unique. Don't feel like people haven't been there before, we have. It is easy to feel like it is all your fault when you have been berated and told over and over again it is. It's a sort of mental conditioning that you need to break. Try to be logical with yourself and let your brain win over your heart. Its hard, but you can do it.

9/09/08

I'm at work. Miss her terribly. Last night was OK. I want to call her, see her. But she's gone. I keep wondering if she misses me and wants me back, but if I got in contact and she didn't it would be game over for my emotional health.

You have your dignity jai. Keep it.

Whenever you feel that way, try to think of stopping yourself from contacting her the same way one resists a cigarette craving when trying to quit smoking, or any other addiction for that matter. Think of it as a craving that will eventually pass if you resist the urge. But if you give in, you have to start all the work and progress you've made all over again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234

Whenever you feel that way, try to think of stopping yourself from contacting her the same way one resists a cigarette craving when trying to quit smoking, or any other addiction for that matter. Think of it as a craving that will eventually pass if you resist the urge. But in the event that you give in, you have to start all the work and progress you've made all over again.

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Absolutely right. He is breaking an addiction and feeling the same affects as a smoker who's quitting... Deal with the temptations, but don't give in. In time they lessen, and you learn how to control the feelings. You will feel great when you realize you can change how you are feeling at will...

I won't give in, I try to tell myself it's a game Im playing and by not contacting her I win. You guys are right in that it does feel like in going through withdrawal symptoms. I miss the peer bond but I'm sure I can find that in another girl. I'm pretty young (20), fit, always got compliments on my looks, and have my head on right. More than that I know deep down Im a good guy and I think that realisation will ultimately be "my answer". This thing has rattled me I must admit, but I have hit back hard in basically every other aspect of my life. I didn't know any other way to deal.

09/09/08 - 11:15pm

Hanging in there. Talked to a couple of mates tonight. One is a guy I've known for a long time now (around 5 years) who honestly thinks I'm being crazy and that I'll have a girl within a month, or two tops. Another is a chick who digs me, but sadly I am not interested in her that way. Feeling OK - I always feel better when I'm tired. Speaking of, me and my mate set up our Japan trip blog. I'm really looking forward to this - it'll force me to man up, it'll get me away from Brisbane, and I'm sure I'll meet a lot of interesting people. MySpace.com - The Japan Show? - 20 - Male - AU - www.myspace.com/thejapanshow if you guys want to check it out

Being tired always helps out. Running and working out are great ways to make yourself feel better and get you a little more tired by the end of the day :)

10/09/08 - 8:20am

On my way to work. Doing OK. Stayed up too late last night (I enjoy them because it feels like I'm myself again). Hanging with the boys tonight. I love my mates, and it's funny, I never really appreciated them until now. Friends, the right music, the SUN (for some reason the sun makes me feel better), and keeping busy with social activities. I can do this. I always said I could do it alone, now's my chance

Keep going !

Sorry for the big quote, by browsers broken and won't let me quick answer.

12/09/08

A lot of stuff has happened. Been having a great couple days with the boys, plus the LHC fired and didn't destroy the world, so that was pretty cool. I feel a lot better when I'm away from where I live. Last night I caught up with a friend from school (I had once had a huge crush on her). She's leaving this weekend and moving to the city. In a way it was really weird - I heard my 15 year old self saying wow, good work man. She hopes we keep in touch (we're the last people that we each keep in touch with from school). It might sound weird but it seemed like another form of closure. I don't know.

Also, my mate broke up with his girlfriend last night. I was on the phone to him for a while last night trying to talk him through some stuff. A month ago he took me out cableskiing, partying, everything to get my mind off things and now he's on the otherside. There's a lot of similarities between our stories. It let's you realize how bull**** it all is.

Me and him are hitting up the gold coast this weekend.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

Sorry for the big quote, by browsers broken and won't let me quick answer.

12/09/08

A lot of stuff has happened. Been having a great couple days with the boys, plus the LHC fired and didn't destroy the world, so that was pretty cool. I feel a lot better when i'm away from where I live. Last night I caught up with a friend from school (I had once had a huge crush on her). She's leaving this weekend and moving to the city. In a way it was really weird - I heard my 15 year old self saying wow, good work man. She hopes we keep in touch (we're the last people that we each keep in touch with from school). It might sound weird but it seemed like another form of closure. I dunno.

Also, my mate broke up with his girlfriend last night. I was on the phone to him for a while last night trying to talk him through some stuff. A month ago he took me out cableskiing, partying, everything to get my mind off things and now he's on the otherside. There's a lot of similarities between our stories. It let's you realize how bull**** it all is.

Me and him are hitting up the gold coast this weekend.

---

I think that's great man, keep up the contact with her and help your bro out, you know most what can help him through this and don't let him make any mistakes you may have had. Good Luck man

Keep up the good work! Busier you are the better : )

In time your be a new person, just make sure you learn the lessons of previous years. I made the mistake of not! Getting to attached and still obsessing over a new person. I thought traveling would change me and be the best experience of my life, which it was. However you still return to what you had before, same on people, same old life.

Sometimes you either got a make a radical change or be happy with what you have : /

14/09/08 - 5:26PM

Wow where to begin. I hit the coast up with my mate, but, I think he could really be in trouble. He still contacts her a lot (he's told me she's asked for space), ringing and txting and worrying about how she's getting home from work etc. Unlike my situ they've said they're on a "break", and he thinks they might get back together (I didn't do this, I cut clean). Anyway, he had an epiphany last night about how he should ACTUALLY be giving her space, and sorting out his life, but I'm not sure how he's going to act on it.

Something happened today with them and he's going down there to see her tonight. I'm pretty worried about him. When he had his epiphany I thought he'd be right. But I don't know... I guess I'll see how he goes tonight with her. I just want him to be OK - one way or the other (and from what I've seen its always, mostly, the other).

As for me... well. I'm actually doing pretty good. I haven't been sad for days now. Strangely (I still think this is weird), I was able to look at my old myspace photos with her in them and I wasn't sad at all. I was happy in a weird, detached way. Like it was the normal reaction to the photos, from when I was with her, and not the panic-induced hysteria I got if I saw them, after we broke up. I wasn't sad, guys. But I still know I can't talk to her. The day I love somebody else is the day that I can think about doing that and not before. (and once that day comes, I wonder if I'll even care)

I had a few dreams about her about 15 minutes ago, but they were all pretty minor ones. Felt a tinge of negative, but that was blown away the instant I woke up.

It's strange, at the start of this, I really didn't think I'd ever be OK ever again. And I'm pretty OK now.

There's still a ways to go before I get to where I want to be though. I'll keep you guys updated.

I also think, now that I'm healed and I can actually think logically about things again without my entire perspective going straight to grey (best way of explaining how I felt last month), I'm on the next part of my own self-journey which is looking for meaning.

For the last little while all I've been doing is spending money and hanging with friends, which is great. But now that *I* am actually back, I can settle down a bit and look for whatever it is I'm looking for - "meaning". Something all-encompassing that I can focus down and aim for. Nah, another GF will not fill this. It's more than that. "This is me and this is what's important to me." If anyone's reading, what keeps you guys running?

By the way, I never introduced myself. My name is Jai. I live in Brisbane Australia, I'm 20 years old, and I'm back in drivers seat from the lowest point of my life. I'm stronger, fitter, more socially connected and clearer than I've ever been. My perspective is back - changed, of course, but back. And you know what? Everything is going to be all right.

Good stuff bro hang in there, stay positive.


Peace

That's great man. Your bro is in a tough spot I was there. The worst feeling in the world to me was waiting. Waiting on a decision. Best is to go NC, Get him out his house, Don't let him wallow. Honestly just be there for him. You know how it feels. I wish the best for your friend.

15/09/08 - 8:03pm

I think it's official - I'm back 100%.

I heard through the grapevine about a mutual friend going through a very incredible low (I won't go into it here). This girl was my ex's best friend, though me and her haven't talked for probably a year. And even though she wasn't there for me at all when I went through my rough patch (which, I guess when you think about it, is pretty understandable), I still sent her an email saying if she needed anything to let me know - and I meant it. You know? It was the right thing to do.

I won't go maudlin about how the past is over and the chapter's closed or whatever... those thoughts make me sad. What I will go into is that... I can't change the things that have happened. All I can do is try to make better and the right choices in the future. Be the man who I can be proud of. That is what I CAN do.

And yeah, I am proud of trying to support this girl. If I was lesser, I'd probably just let her stew.

Nobody can touch me now. I said that out loud today and was surprised when it rang true. I'm out of the dark thanks to this website and the posters who come here and light up like beacons. I would have paid down any amount of money to feel the way I do now at the start of this breakup thing. Some days I really did think it was game over, the end of everything. But give it enough time, stick to NC (I feel great and I'm still sticking to it... honestly ask yourselves what good could come of talking to your ex, if you're in any pain at all? Nothing, guys, nothing good can come of it. You talk and have pleasant conversation, you get sad. You argue, you get sad), and basically just force yourself to be the best possible person you can be at this moment.

I've ridden this rollercoaster about as high and low as anyone else out there. If I can get better, there's hope for EVERYONE.

16/09/08 - 8:57PM

I'm okay. Had a good day at work and just got home from dinner with my mate. Also got a chicks number (not sure if it really counts or not LOL), who was interested in me back when I worked at this restaurant.

I don't know. I feel fine. I wish my ex could see me now. This might sound dumb (I'm not sure if anyone here can relate), but, more than anything, I'd like her to be proud of me.

It's a selfish thought though. No, don't worry guys, I'm not going to break nc or anything :) It would probably cause me pain... it might cause her pain. I really did love her. And when you love someone, sometimes you've got to let them go.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

16/09/08 - 8:57PM

I'm okay. Had a good day at work and just got home from dinner with my mate. Also got a chicks number (not sure if it really counts or not LOL), who was interested in me back when I worked at this restauraunt.

I dunno. I feel fine. I wish my ex could see me now. This might sound dumb (I'm not sure if anyone here can relate), but, more than anything, I'd like her to be proud of me.

It's a selfish thought though. No, don't worry guys, I'm not going to break nc or anything :) It would probably cause me pain....it might cause her pain. I really did love her. And when you love someone, sometimes you've got to let them go.

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Yup. Look at you know getting numbers from girls :P. Keep your head up and pushing forward as we all are. I have not turned down any social invites and have opened myself to talking to a lot of people I have not in a while. The one is out there.

18/09/08 - 10:57 PM

Last night I chilled with my boys on the northside, had a great night. Got dinner with a mate after work tonight, haven't seen her since school finished.

Same ol same ol - no real change of emotion. However, about 15 minutes ago I came across a video of me and my ex. It was taken at a good point in our relationship - Christmas Eve 07. Its strange - I'm not sad, or upset, or anything. But like, watching her being cute to the camera, and being so... into me? I don't know. It makes me wistful. I think that's the term.

I miss her, guys. And no, I don't mean it in the "sky is falling on me miss my ex I am going to die" anymore. I miss the good times, and the little things. There is a lack of pain in that statement too "I miss her".

And no, before anyone reaches for the alarm bells, I don't intend on breaking nc :P I honestly wish her the best, even though I can't be involved with her anymore (this is just me being honest, to be involved with her at this point would only cause me pain - I wish it was more of a stronger "I don't WANT to be", more than a logical, clear thinking "I can't be"). Well, I guess my "heart" wishes she would storm the doors occasionally and beg for me to take her back but I've come so far now, those little pangs are instantly quelled and silenced. I've learnt (and assume am still learning) on how to deal with the emotions. They're just emotions. As much as my "heart" wishes she would come back, my brain knows she's not going too and more than that, is OK with it.

As soon as I sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow, this thought will be gone, but I thought I'd give it the justice of writing about it here tonight.

I'm becoming the man I want to be - a good man, a strong man, and my best self. I see this in the way I've started to handle this whole thing, along with other factors in my life. Can't change my past, or my mistakes. I can only do better in the things ahead. I am... I've made some good choices so far... and I think things like what I wrote above, shows me how I've matured in this time frame. I'm proud of myself for keeping my head up.

That's all there is to it.

How long has it been for NC?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

Well, I guess my "heart" wishes she would storm the doors occasionally and beg for me to take her back but I've come so far now, those little pangs are instantly quelled and silenced.

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Funny you should say that...

Almost 5 months on and I get these feelings at times. Very rarely, but they are something that will continue to happen for quite some time. Fewer and further between now, but happen nonetheless.

Hey Jai, I was going through the whole block thing you made here.. It was very impressive must say. In fact, I sud steal your idea of making one for myself because I am going through this terrible breakup period for myself rite now.
I'm really happy that you got over all this.. I wish I could too someday in near future.. because this thing is killing me like nothing.. good work man.. cheers

NC has been... a month? Over a month? I've been single now for almost two, broke nc once near the beginning. I'm out of the one day at a time thing, so time blurs now, days turn to weeks and it's easy to handle.

I told her the last time I spoke to her to only contact me if she wanted to give us another shot or otherwise to have a good life. I'd probably like to be friends after I've met someone new (which I assume would go a great way towards putting the final nail in the coffin) but I'm realistic enough to know it probably wouldn't be that simple for either of us. I might not ever be 100% OK with dealing with her and she is angy that I couldn't be her friend immediately after the breakup. Ultimately though, it's all good.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 143u

Hey Jai, I was going thru the whole block thing u made here.. It was very impressive must say. Infact, I sud steal ur idea of making one for myself coz i am going thru this terrible breakup period for myself rite now.
I m really happy that u got over all this .. i wish i could too someday in near future.. coz this thing is killin me like nothing.. good work man.. cheers

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Do it man. If you're like me these thoughts are impossible to bottle and they rip you to pieces from the inside. This is probably the most supportive atmosphere I've seen on the internet and trust me, strangers kindness goes a LONG way when you feel like this.

Thanks for the kind words man. This girl was everything to me and at the start I honestly thought I was going to die. If there had been a little red button with 'the end' written on it, well, I doubt I would have hesitated. It seems a little ridiculous now but that's seriously the way I felt. This was my first breakup so next time I'll know how to deal with it better.

There is a plus side though - if I can do it, so can you! I knew this was honestly goih to show me who I was deep down and bring it to the surface, and I was both surprised and proud of who that was. Im sure you are in for the same thing. Ever asked the universe what it was all for man? Well this is it. This pain, this struggle into better times. So keep your head up, embrace it all, never give in and know that it IS going to all get better.

There are good people here who will show you the way.

September 20 - 7:35pm

Feels like I'm relapsing in a way. I went out last night with the boys, had a GREAT night, but got totally hammered. I'm 99% sure the alcohol in my system sunk me low today (last night I was fine, felt great). Don't get me wrong - I don't drink to ease the pain or whatever. But I am consciously starting to notice that maybe alcohol IS affecting me - if not when I'm drinking it, but the day after. Maybe, it's just a guess anyway, it could be a myriad of things that have got me down today.

I was going to go hang out with a buddy tonight but I got to the train station and just couldn't do it, so I turned around and came home.

The boys from last night are likewise also looking for me to hang out again tonight (we made plans to, they fell through, then they didn't, then they did, I don't know is happening), but I'm not picking up the phone.

All today I was just at home FREAKING out about everything. No I did not get emotional or cry or anything but I was definitely lying there freaking out a bit. I talked to my dad tonight about it, he said I'd probably get these days for around 6 months or so. That's a long time dad I said. He said it depended a lot on whether I hooked up with somebody else within that 6 months. Hahahaha, good ol dad.

I watched that movie again today. I don't know if I'd say it caused me pain... but... not sure. I'm not watching it again.

I'm not giving in though. I'm going to text the boys and say I'm not coming, then clean my room, clear my head, get some windows open in here, change my bedsheets, get some music happening and maybe start writing some plans. Idk, feels like I'm drowning, but I know how to swim a little too.

The alcohol depression is a hangover, sleep it off.

I've been purposely avoiding alcohol myself. Normally, I'll go out and drink once a week. But, knowing what will happen when I do drink, I avoid it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981

I've been purposely avoiding alcohol myself. Normally, I'll go out and drink once a week. But, knowing what will happen when I do drink, I avoid it.

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Yes... as tempted as I have been to have drinks over these past weeks I have turned them down knowing I'll feel worse afterwords. Alcohol makes you feel better but in the morning you feel twice as worse.

21 September 2008 - 7:16am

I had some really crazy ******* dreams last night, I've only slept for 4 hours, I need to get these down. Please bare with me... these do make me sound like I belong in a mental house.

The first I remember having, I was 100% lucid. My first real lucid dream. I thought it was so cool, I'd snap my fingers and have fire come out, I could fly (it was hard, but I could do it), and anything I didn't like I changed (there were these people who were trying to get me or something and I remember laughing and saying "no", waving my hand and they disappeared). ANYWAY, the crazy part was that I remember thinking "alright, I'm in my subconscious and I can do anything I want - let's get her here and ask myself some questions about my ex". However, when I thought of her/tried to summon her, she did not appear (the only thing I could not summon in the dream last night). Instead a tombstone appeared, and on it was written "Silvia left your life in between Moreton and the Cayman Islands. She is gone now." along with the letter "L".

******* CRAZY. Moreton is an island here in Australia, but, I've never been there. I'm also not 100% sure if that was what it said on the tombstone, but I know it was something similar (I wanted to wake up and write it down, and I did, but then I realised I had only written it down in another dream). So there you go, a 100% lucid dream which I could not bring my ex into, and when I tried I got some crazy grave stone. It was the only thing I COULDN'T do (I even made a second version of me in there to hang out with).

The second dream I was involved in, me and her were hanging out or something, and then we went back to her place. Things were going well until her dad saw me. I pretended to fall asleep, and he looked at me closely, then when he had decided I was asleep he went over and started to hit her, calling her insulting names and saying how she was her own worst enemy. Since I was only pretending to be asleep, I woke up and jumped on him. He left and called me a ***** for letting her use me. This dream was extremely long, it felt like days if not weeks. She wouldn't see me anymore, she was too frightened of her dad. He beat her again and again. She wouldn't admit to it but I saw the bruises and that. I ended up sneaking into the dad's room as he slept and knocking his teeth in and saying "don't hit her anymore". I was in another fight with him when I woke up from it.

I am not sure if I want to post these or not, but hopefully someone out there can offer me advice. When I woke up I was freaking out that maybe someone was abusing her but then I was like eh, it's only a dream man.

Cheers

Man you sound like me with those crappy dreams. I mean I wish I could tell you something about them but most of the time people conclude that its just emotions coming out. I mean I had a dream of my ex who I begged not to screw her life up by getting pregnant. Could she be pregnant maybe but its not mine for sure. Weird meaningless to be honest dream.

I wish I could take something so I could not dream. Every night I have a dream mostly of stupid crap.

What's weird for me is before our breakup, I would NEVER remember my dreams. Now I remember them vividly (her with other guys, hurting me, etc), and wake up 3-4 times a night. Weird how that happens. I try not to get to mad at myself, and just shrug it off. I'm positive she isn't losing any sleep over me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981

What's weird for me is before our breakup, I would NEVER remember my dreams. Now I remember them vividly (her with other guys, hurting me, etc), and wake up 3-4 times a night. Weird how that happens. I try not to get to mad at myself, and just shrug it off. I'm positive she isn't losing any sleep over me.

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Tell me about it. I get mad because I'm losing sleep and getting upset while she sleeps soundly without a care in the world. Life is messed up at times but the strongest survive.

While it might be mean, take solace in the fact that some day, someone will do this to her. :D It helps me out a little bit.

LOL

21/09/08 - 7:14PM

I really, really wanted to break NC earlier today, be like hey what's up how you going you want to catch up tonight just as friends?

I slept it off.

Phew

Crisis over

Don't break NC dude , keep at it

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

LOL

21/09/08 - 7:14PM

I really, really wanted to break NC earlier today, be like hey whats up how you going you want to catch up tonight just as friends?

I slept it off.

phew

crisis over

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Good job! We all have those urges and you are defiantly getting better. Its been a tough weekend for you and you held on :)

Bravo! We've all been there! Congrats on sleeping it off.

23/09/08

Lol... I signed up for this like, online dating thing. Can't hurt right? I went to grab a photo of me off my myspace. Except it was an old one that the ex had commented on 'I love you kladsjkdasjkladsjkldsakljadsjklds whatever'. Anyway, I didn't click until I saw it, and she had changed her display picture that was next to the comment.

I mean, I only saw it for a split second, but whatever. You guys can guess what it was changed to.

Maybe it was just her with her friends, or whatever, maybe it wasn't, but, whatever, yeah, woo, that was like being punched in the face, bring it world, you can't touch me. If you want to kill me you'll have to do more than that.

I am barely hanging on right now, but that's what I'm telling myself.

If anyone's out there reading this, have any of you ever thought this -

The Silvia I knew and loved and who loved me is gone... it's almost like she died.

There's another girl out there somewhere who looks like her... and has the same name as her... but it feels like my one is gone now.

This is probably why I don't see myself ever talking to her. The girl I knew is gone now anyway.

Does anyone have any experience feeling like that? These are all new emotions to me. Still can't believe people go through this every day. Maybe I need therapy, I don't know. I'm dealing best I can.