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I know what you mean man! I have started the NoForM (No Facebook of Myspace) rule for myself! Whenever I feel like I am about to check one of those mediums, I quickly collect my thoughts and either call a friend, or go to a website that I know will entertain me for a while. Also, you can always come here and vent! This has become a great escape for me personally!
You have to find a way to stop. It only prolongs your hurt.
Can you have those sites in particular blocked or something?
Either get some help for your problem, or find better things to do with your time.
I've never been in a 7 year relationship so I can't pretend to know what that kind of loss is like, as I've only gone 3 years for my record. So first of all, kudos to you for putting up with her for 4 more years then I could. A little joke and also a positive way to view your current situation.
I agree with others who say that professional help might be what you want at this time. A therapist might provide you with some deep insight into your condition and offer you techniques to overcome it.
I think this behavior is derived from the pain of the break up (duh) so when this starts to happen I might suggest that you openly talk to yourself and ask how this pain and this situation can help you develop into a better individual. If you give pain meaning, it doesn't control you, you control it. Furthermore, you make it understandable in a logical way and it's easier to get over it.
My last suggestion is one that can strengthen you and help others at the same time. Come to this site and offer you insight to those in need of help, as you offer help to others it strengthens your core, and guides your own thoughts to emotional success.
I guess I exaggerated when I said I have OCD. I don't really have OCD. While it wasn't meant as a joke, since OCD isn't funny at all, I was trying to describe what it feels like.
I can't tell her to change her passwords. Then she'll know I have been siging on and know I've been acting like a freakish stalker (which may be true).
I am really looking for advice on how I can control my urge to check up on her 5 times a day.
You will have to control yourself. Well, at least you are not going over to her house at night and peering into the windows at her while she is with someone. You have to get interested in something else. It is hard when someone leaves you versus you leave them. You'll just have to live your life 5 minutes at a time. This seems to be worse than trying to stop smoking. Just remember, you are hurt right now and have to get over your own hurt so that you can go on with your life. There is no magic wand I can wave over you to make you stop looking at her messages. You have to be adult enough to realize that she chose to live her life without you. And for you to accept this decision on her part.
You can look for an easy way out all you want to. Unless your willing to do the work it takes, by being honest for one, all the suggestions in the world won't stop you. No shame in getting help, as your actions are obsessive, and may be illegal. Your options,
1- tell her to change her passwords, and suffer the consequenses.
2- get some help before it gets worse.
3- get busy doing something else, and putting her out of your life.
4- A combination of all three.
You need to change your behavior, or you can never move on with your life.
Most pastors, have counseling skills and that is a good option. The counsel of an older adult trusted is an option. Whatever you choose its in your own interest to do something to solve your problem.
Another thing to consider. What if she knows you're a snoop, and is intentionally feeding you what she wants you to know??
This line actually made me open my eyes and think, even if it was just a little. Thanks, Twinkie.Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkiedooter
You'll find that whenever you find out some information you don't like it hurts , so how long are you willing to put your hands on the HOT STOVE before you realise it isn't doing you no good?
Stop signing on plain and simple! It's only hurting you.
If you're unable to , have e-mails sent through those sites to her requesting a password change.
This is worth a second read. It's been my understanding that sometimes women are quite cruel and would actually do something like this just to stick it to a guy. If she knows you well enough, and suspects you'd do what your doing, she might also play your emotions.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
This has become like an addiction to you. Whenever you get the urge to check up on her then try and convince yourself out of it. It is going to be very hard but at the same time it can feel really empowering knowing that you have the power to resist the temptation. I never checked her emails although I new all her passwords and usernames but I did check up on her on Facebook profile. That was destroying me. I would read her posts and messages of people on her wall and would try to connect and create a story. It gave me nightmares for days. Finally I came across some pictures of her with the other guy, that someone else had tagged her in. For about a week I could not sleep, eat or take my mind of those images. It was hell. So that was the last time I checked her Facebook. Its been 5 weeks and I am feeling much better. Sometimes its best if you don't know everything. Some things are better if they are left uncovered trust me.
Good call, busterite. I had a feeling that is what it was going to take to make me stop. But, instead I told my friend tell her to change her PW's. So, no more of that. Still tough!
It s funny how a lot of people in relationship acquire or through trust reveal their private passwords to their "other half". The key for you is to understand that it was a sign of closeness ans trust at that particular time and you need to be the better person and cherish it and most important control it now. I honeslty hope that you did get this info in another way or that would be a different story. I undersand the temptations as I know I have had them but now you need to control them. There is nothing to gain from this but pain, you want to get some information to try and confort yourself by doing this you think it will make you feel better but it doesn't, so why do it?
Be strong friend
So, I came to find out my ex of 7 years (we broke up 1 month ago) has already had drunk sex with another guy. I chalk it up to "because I can." My heart just tore in two, fell into my stomach, and I feel like vomiting. Should I confront her about it? Should I just say F off? A HUGE part of me wants to tell her, just so she knows I know.
Oh yeah, recently she just wants to "hang out." I broke down and did once for an hour (pathetic I am, I know) and we flirted and stuff. This was a week after she had her sex escapade.
I'm so lost in emotion right now I don't know what to do.
You "DUMP" her! Completely NO friends thing, NO contact, NO anything!
Whether you tell her or not is your option. But sounds like she has already 'dumped' you as boyfriend material and just wants to use you occasionally to avoid the hurt of an official break up.
As long as you settle for the 'hang out' flirty stuff you are going to have the temptation of falling into being the boyfriend role when she wants. She will call the shots and she will have you where she wants you. Then when she is totally ready to call it quits then you are left behind to deal with the hurt on your own.
Don't give her the satisfaction of weaning off you until she finds what she does want.
You don't give dignty to her in even cursing her out, you move on, you stop talking with her, stop flirting with her and move on.
She is already a EX. so she is free to sleep around if that is what she wants to do, there is not even a reason she can't
So move on,
I know this is completely true, N0. My rational side knows I will NEVER look at her the same, never have any trust for her again, etc. But my heart keep trying to grapple on to ANY thread of hope that gets dangled in front of me. For instance, the reason I hung out is because I talked myself into thinking that if I hang out for awhile, we might begin dating somewhere down the road.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
You write a list of things you liked so much about her and then you go and find somebody that fits the bill better than she could. Otherwise you are only setting yourself up for hurt upon hurt with her. She evidently sees you as just another guy to conquer and move on.
So don't go there with her in any way--NO Contact she doesn't deserve you --find somebody that does!
Like I said, I agree completely with what you are saying. But with my social anxiety combined with my strong emotions for her, it's just really hard.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
That's why the heart has to be controlled by the brain, to keep you from making a fool of yourself.Quote:
But my heart keep trying to grapple on to ANY thread of hope that gets dangled in front of me.
I know it is hard but you got to move on or be played a fool.
I know it is hard. Even girls who are beaten and verbally abused by their bf's day in and day out have knots in their stomach that they ended up broke up. They even still have a deep love for the abuser but they come to realize the abuse outweighs the hurt from them no longer being in their life.
So you have to cut your loses now and move on no matter how much the hurt or stick it out with her calling the shots and have deeper cutting pain later.
Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, bud. Finding out news like that really does throw you for a mental loop. Just the thought of the person you love with somebody else is probably the most upsetting thing anybody can imagine when it comes to a breakup. I'm going through the same thing right now, knowing that my ex is under every guy that she can find, and it is nauseating!
What you have to ask yourself though is if you want someone back that is doing this stuff? You sound like a caring guy, and that is why it is so tough for you. When I know that my ex is sleeping around with other guys, I almost feel like I didn't do enough to change her, but what I realize is that you can't change people. This is who she is, and there isn't anything anybody can do to change that. If that is the kind of person that she wants to be, then let her. Find somebody better! And, I know, you are probably thinking, "But she was everything that I want." Try to imagine yourself before she came into your life. Who was your crush or girlfriend before that? What did you think when you couldn't be with her? Probably the same thing. I know this will be tougher because it was such a serious relationship, and it truly does suck! There are no answers as to why she is doing this. It's just her nature, and sadly that is something that you will have to cope with.
TIME and SPACE are the only known prescriptions to dealing with something like this. Also, get out there and do things that make you happy. Surround yourself with things that you enjoy. Go workout. Go get some new clothes. Become the person that others will be proud of, and leave your ex to her promiscuous ways.
Take care. And I hope everything will turn around for you soon!
I don't think nor believe you full accept that this relationship is over otherwise you would not be hanging on to false hope. She is no longer committed to you, therefore, she can sleep with whoever she wish, drunk or sober. It's her life and you need to live yours. Maybe being friends wasn't a good thing because you can't handle it. You broke up with her for a reason(s), let's leave it that way and don't look back.
If you give in and even just hang out with her it gives her permission to use you and your feelings in the future. Let me tell you something that you need to make your reality right now. YOU are better then her or her situation and you need to start living to that. When it get's difficult and you want to cave tell yourself in a strong forceful manner, "I will not let her have the pleasure of talking to me!" and then be proud that you don't. You are depressed but those feelings will change, she is guilty and trying to make herself feel better by being your "friend." Do not give her the satisfaction.
I hear all you guys are saying, and I knew it would be a likely answers from everyone. Thanks for all your answers guys. While I still feel hopeless and weak (I know I'll cave in), I'm glad you guys are here to attempt make me a stronger person.
First let me tell you that if you lead with this idea of "I know I'll cave in" your going to. Lead with the idea that your stronger and deserve better. If you do cave it's not the biggest deal in the world but get right back up and make it your goal to go longer.Quote:
Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981
I'm work with my ex and she was doing the same nonsense yours is doing and I was going along with it and talking to her in short conversations. But at some point I realized she'd moved on and I was stuck in neutral and that's where you'll get stuck if you can't decide to move forward without her.
Finally it got the point where I was only saying hello with a huge smile back to the ex and only if she talked first. As far as was concerned if you can do wrong by me then I don't waste my time with you. You have the luxury of NOT working with her, you can break free this very moment. My ex actually asked me if everything was all right a few weeks ago and when I asked her why she would ask me that she said, "some people said you haven't been as talkitive as you have been in the past." I asked who that was and she had no answer. What she really wanted was me to talk to her to give her the permission that treating me second rate is acceptable. Now I'll grant you I'm further along but at this point what do I have to lose, I've already lost her and I don't care about making her feel comfortable around me, she gave up that privilege. So did your ex. She had something good and SHE blew it so let her reap the decision and give yourself the satisfaction of knowing you are stronger then she gave you credit for. You may have lost the battle but you can win the fight, because if you can be strong and get away from her she's not going to know what to do, she's dependent on you and using you as a crutch. Be strong for yourself and take the crutch away and let her fall.
Cave-In in which way?
All I can say now is, allow these answers to process in you mind, but allow your heart to make the decision. You write your own story. I hope whatever you choose, that it will be the outcome that you deserve! Only you know what will be right for you!
Yes you have to do whatever it takes to mentally be strong!
Avoid talking with her no matter how friendly she comes off.
Visualize a girl worthy of you, visualize a pile of garbage when you think of her or run into her.
Find something to distract away from her, even if it is something as simple as coming here to vent.
Do whatever it takes to move on.
I hear you completely on that one. I talked myself into seeing her last week when she wanted to because I figured I can talk to her and hang out. If she comes back, awesome. If she moves on, I'll just let her go then and deal with it then. I still don't know what to choose. NC out of the gate, or just let the cards fall and what happens happens.Quote:
Originally Posted by chuff
You are setting yourself up to be played the fool and hurting even more if you go along with seeing her to see where the cards fall.
I know that's true. But a huge part of me thinks it's worth it. Besides, I don't think I can hurt worse then I already am right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
You are wrong. Getting dumped is one thing but then letting her play you afterwards sucks worse then you can imagine and I'll tell you why. Because now your wasting your emotions and time on someone who has nothing to lose and safeguard if she does. If you stick around your depression will eventually turn into anger and then you'll be faced with the fact that some of that anger has to be self directed because you allowed it to happen.Quote:
Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981
When my latest ex broke up with me I was doing what you were doing... being available even if it was only at work, talking to her, and trying to be my funny self since that is what she was attracted to, to begin with. While all this was happening I was really giving her permission to play my feelings. It took me finally manning up and saying that my depression and the person I made my ex out to be in my head (i.e. not the person she was by her current behavior) was not good enough for me. If someone thinks so little of me that they can disrespect me time and again then I don't want that person around. That how I CHOOSE to be treated and that is where you have to man up yourself. She can be a disrepectful loser but that is her reality not yours. Let her define a loser's life, you define a winners.
Once I quit talking to my ex she actually had the nerve to ask me if I was okay after a couple months. I said I was and she asked why I wasn't talking to her? This is how they think, they think they can use you and then when you dare ignore them they try and turn it around on you. I can see that now, because my head's clear. Several months ago, not so clear. I'm telling you believe the clear heads on this board and if you can't believe that your strong enough know that there are other people who believe that you are strong enough to go into no contact and stay that way.
I'm telling you this as a friend and even though we've never met I promise you that I and everyone posting here have your best intentions in mind which is more then I can say for someone who spent 7 years with you. Think about that reality.
I hear you, Chuff. And thanks, I really do appreciate it. How long did you hold on to her and try to "win her back" so to speak? How long did it take you to finally say enough is enough?Quote:
Originally Posted by chuff
Grow A Pair.
A huge part of you thinks its worth it because you have not yet accepted the fact that she has moved on and as long as you think like that and continue to be there for her whenever she needs you will keep suffering. You need to stop contacting her and not allow her to come into and out of your life whenever she feels like it. The longer you hang on to that hope of getting back together the longer and the harder your recovery process will be.Quote:
I know that's true. But a huge part of me thinks it's worth it. Besides, I don't think I can hurt worse then I already am right now.
The first time my ex told me she had feelings for someone else I felt like my whole world was falling apart. She was dragging me though until she made up her mind. She hooked up with the guy before breaking it off with me. I made the mature decision to break it off with her. She came running and crying back to me and I accepted her. She was using my only weak spot, which is that I always told her that I would be there for her even when we are not together. For another week she took me through hell, the hardest time of my life. My friends were telling me to stop contacting her and although I knew I was destroying myself I felt weak. I then realised that all along I was thinking of her good and not my own whereas she only cared about herself, she didn't care about my feelings she only cared about whether she was making the right decision. About the fact that I hadn't eaten or slept for 2 weeks. I then decided to put my own good above hers and break any contact with her, probably the best decision I have ever made. I let her contact me twice after that but soon realised I shouldn't even be doing that and never answered any of her calls or texts again. Where I am getting at is that right now you need to put yourself first. You cannot make a clear decision and you need to give yourself time away from all this so that you can clear your mind and figure what is best for you NOT her, and the only way to do it is by not allowing her to contact you
So, after she got home from her Labor day trip. She texted and called me. I ignored both times. Wish me luck to refrain in the future! It is sort of empowering knowing she may be squirming with the "what's going on, why isn't he responding!"
Well I have the unfortuate pleasure of working in the same building with my ex, and we are the contacts between our two businesses. So in that regard I can't shake her. I would say I held on for a month possibly 6 weeks. During this time I let her get away with a lot of verbal abuse towards and not defend myself as not to start any trouble. In reality what I was doing was defining who had the power between us... and I'm sad to report it wasn't me.Quote:
Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981
At some point I realized this was not going to work and I had to grow a pair, not for her but for me. I'll tell you what helped me do it, read the posts on this board and read the answers, even the ones going back years. This wasn't the first time I've done it, but I can't tell you how strong mentally and emotionally that can make you, because you can see through other guys mistakes (mine included) what you were doing wrong and you can see the results that happened as a result of certain behaviors. I'll be completely honest with you, I'm a highly emotional male and a "nice guy" two negatives against me in the world of women. When I first came here about 3 years ago, I was confused about a woman I worked with (there's a pattern developing here). Her screwing me over was the greatest gift in the world because it made me FINALLY search out answers for myself and why the same pattern of behavior kept happening with me and with women. After her I actually had a great girlfriend for about a year while applying what I was learning here and studying some psychology and it was in many respects the best girlfriend I've had. In fact we broke up because she moved back to Minnesota, and towards the end I saw what was coming and the break up bothered me for abourt 2 or 3 days. Then I found my latest ex and went out with her for a little over a year and guess what I quit doing. Applying what I learned here and reverted back to the nice guy.
After the break up I still couldn't shake the nice guy and continued to let her emotionally run circles around in hopes of her coming to her senses. Ironically enough one day after l was coming across the street after lunch and she was in a car being dropped off and making out with her new boyfriend. Like you my heart was in my stomach. Like you I was asking "how could she leave me for someone else, how could she be over me so quick?" Well the first answer is I wasn't paying attention and if I had been I would have seen my nice guy behavior seeping back and her pulling away. I allowed her to emotionally toy with me in hopes that she would wake up. In reality it just prolonged my depression and allowed her to use me.
Now I tell you that story to tell you this one.
She normally eats lunch right outside my window, so I started going home for lunch to avoid seeing her. This was for me, but about a month later I noticed she would walk by my window as she left the building. I thought this was strange since she never did that before even when we were going out. Mind you she never looked at me, just walked by. Then one day she looked really depressed when she was on break and I was walking outside, and with her face down she said about a new shirt I was wearing "that color looks really good on you." To me that was odd because she never went out of her way to compliment me even when we dated so naturally since she was down, depressed, and looking for a compliment back I did the exact opposite and told her "that looks like what you should be buried in." She then called me a douche at which point I told her "at least I'm scented" and walked away. She yelled to me "okay that was a good one." I had found out that she was having trouble with the new guy and low and behold look who she wanted for the back up plan. Me. I wasn't going to give her the pleasure, and neither should you.
A few weeks later I was wearing my new suit, and when I walked by about 10 women, her included on break the women started whistling at me and one of them even shouted "when are we going out." My ex immediately jumped in "did you get a new suit?" She got no response from me but I told all the girls that they had to form a line and that she was at the back. Again she looked down and away. No more mouthing off, the tide was turning and I was getting my power back, and the only thing I was doing was not talking to her. Later that very same day when she left I was standing outside my office and she made it a point to leave that way... which again is not the way most people or her leave our building and when she saw me she lit up and said, "You look really nice today." Once again, wanting me to take the bait, I said, "Wow, I didn't think you were capable of giving a compliment.....in fact I still don't," and smiled. No mouthing off, no calling me names, she just walked away.
I would see her on occasion and it was always "you look good today" or "your handsome" or something similar. I basically just said thanks and walked on. The last one she gave me, I just looked at her and said, "Oh it must be so hard for you." I wasn't giving her the satisfaction. Then I dropped off an invoice at her business and she very softly said hello. It was at this point that I noticed the compliments stopped and every time I saw her it was "hello" with her head down and she was very soft. Again I tell you this because when we broke up it was me who was quiet and letting her swear at me and not defending myself. I assumed the role of "I don't care what you think and I'm going to say what I want" even though I have to admit I did care what she thought. To be honest, I probably still do but I can't let her reality define mine. My reality is one that says she took advantage of my kindness, and I will grant I allowed it, but that was then, this is now and NOW I choose to man up and think of myself first, because she had a chance and SHE blew it.
Her sister always supported me and was on my side a lot in the relationship and when my ex came to get something from my company she mentioned that her sister said to say hello, now I dropped the ball on this one, I wish I would have said, "Why were you and your sister talking about me?" but instead I said "tell her I said hello back." At this which point my ex actually said to me "that's gross your cheating on me with my sister?"?? Still haven't figured that one out, but I shot back, "can you blame her, she always had it for me." Again, I'm not sure what my ex was trying to say about the cheating comment since we'd been broke up for months but I wouldn't let her have it.
Just last Wednesday, the ex approached me and said her sister was going to have a baby and I asked if she was going to name it after me. She then picks up her cell phone and calls her sister. At this point I told her the truth, I said, "I'm glad you called Toni because I really didn't want to talk to you." She tells her sister... who I haven't talked to in months mind you to name the baby after me and hands me the phone, which I proceed to grab with a rag. The ex starts complaining about how dirty the rag was and I said, "well God knows where you hands have been." She immediately shut up. I then talked to her sister for awhile and this is GOLD, my ex's name is Christee, so naturally when the call was done I said, "Well I'm giving the phone back to Christina! I didn't even call her by her correct name, nor did I acknowledge that I had misspoke (which I had done on purpose so it wasn't really misspeaking). At this point she just grabbed her phone and called her son and was obviously very sad....not upset just sad. (I propose that she called her little boy because he is her security blanket if you will, unconditional love after just getting no conditional love from me) and she hasn't said another word to me since.
Now again, that's my story up to the current point, but I was like you and I have been like you in the past, it's hard to walk away.....in fact it down right sucks, I won't lie. But at this point psychologically speaking she not only has the power in this relationship(and even if you aren't together you do have a relationship) she has your power. You give that to her every time you stay with her, because you can logically tell yourself it's over but you have to make the emotional reality for it to stick. Now I have the problem of working with my ex, you don't have that problem TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! I have a friend who quit doing cocaine cold turkey....in theory that is supposed to be impossible but she did. She told me something about quitting drugs that I think is perfect for getting over a relationship and applying no contact. She said she can't go a lifetime without drugs but she can go a day. Same with getting over the ex, when you are tempted to call tell yourself, "Maybe I can't go a lifetime (which is a complete lie by the way) but I can go the day." If it is so bad that you feel like you have to call this minute tell yourself, "I can go the hour" Keep putting it off, and eventually you'll just put it off forever.
You are in control right now. I'll wish you luck as you asked but I don't know if you need it. You already recognize that you are enpowered and she is the one going "why isn't he responding." I think the evidence suggests she is indeeed, asking herself that question because she not only texted you, but when no response came she followed up with a phone call. She is unknowingly slowly giving her power back to you. Stand you ground and let her know she had a man and she blew it by giving her you power of silence.Quote:
Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981
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