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OK but is it possible that he loves things the way they are and doesn't want to ruin it by marriage. A lot of people change after they get married. I love being married but honestly a ring doesn't make me anymore commented to my husband than I was before. I love him regardless of if we ever got married or not. He doesn't need to wear a wedding band to know he is my one and only and the man of my dreams. I wish you luck but don't lose someone you love over a marriage. Good luck
Oh believe me that is the theory I was on for the last two years, but the problem isn't not getting married, it's being told that I not 'good enough' to wed, because I entered the relationship a single mother. It's also that when I talk about our future, it's our future, when he brings up our future, it's separated.
I don't know you or your situation, but I am mentally hugging you right now.
In my short time here, I've seen how you help others through their difficulties, and mine, too. Thank you, and I'll be thinking of you!
Thank you Torrid.
I appreciate all the support.
This board is a fabulous place.
What an uncomfortable night, :(
::sigh::
Justy Dear,
I am so sorry that I am just now getting to this. I haven't even talked to you since you got back from Vegas. :(
I've been a little absent the last several days preparing for upcoming licensing exams but I'm here whenever you need me.
I think you are a strong, multi-faceted, wonderful woman. And you're beautiful inside and out. ;)
We've talked before about this kind of stuff so although it's difficult right now, it will get better.
One single mother to another, if a man deems it unacceptable that I have a child with someone I was never married too, well he is not the one for nikosmom. It's a long hard road but our children have been blessings to our lives, wouldn't you say so?
His loss. But by the time he realizes it, you'll be in Kansas City.
Carry on. :cool:
{{{Hugs to ya}}}
That was a hilarious line. So I promise you through my tears there was a smile.Quote:
Originally Posted by nikosmom
This morning was very difficult. Although I am strong and I know what is right, there is something so heartbreaking to me about a man so closed off emotionally, he is willing to let three people who love him BY CHOICE walk out of his life without one word of a fight. That in the end five years is so easy for him to let go of. Not that we had some roller coaster of a relationship, not that it is good riddance to an emotional he!! but just so emotionally self-destructive that we will walk away and he won't say a word.
How is the morning treating you Justy? Keep us informed.
Glad I could give you a chuckle, J. Sometimes that's what we need; a slight diversion.
I don't understand it either because I thought/hoped this would be "the one" for you and I can't seem to wrap my mind around someone walking away so easily.
I can't do too much to ease the hurt but I can be here for you if you need to unload. Or need more diversions.
How are the kids- are they aware yet?
Justwantfair,
I am sorry to hear your breakup after 5 years... People in the board like you, support you, and try to cheer you up. It is somehow better than friends or family network!! Friends & family members love us, but we are too close to them, and sometimes better off not to tell the whole story not to hurt them or saving my face from them for future...
I have seen so many single mothers who were 'chosen' by good quality men in my area. They are happily married with kids. You will be with the right person who really loves you. Your ex was not the right one. Being a single is an actually privilege to meet the better person for your future. You should enjoy it, and try to use the opportunity wisely after you heal from the would.
:) Cheer up! You have a golden ticket in your hand. :)
Awww... Justy, I missed all of this yesterday. I am sooo sorry... If you need anything, let me know. Even if it's just a night at Brewski's to talk. LOL. I've never been there. Always wanted to check it out.
Just checking in Justy.
I am at work now and thought I would see how your night went.
The morning is hard, a little more reality of the situation setting in. A better grasp of the fact that this isn't at all what I want for our future, but I am not the one who needs to fight for this.
The children do not know anything about the separation yet. I have an upcoming status date where it should be finalized for full custody to me on July 21st. Unfortunately until then I can't make an changes to my living environment because it's quite possible that changes would leave the situation up to new investigation and I am too close to having that finalized. If it's not, then we are in a bigger predicament of how to handle a separation.
Thankfully, this isn't a separation rooted in anger and hostility. I honestly can't wrap my own mind around someone walking away or closing possibilities for the reasons that he is. It makes it that much more difficult to grasp and handle my feelings appropriately. Although I feel it's the right move, today I mostly just want to beat some sense into his dense thought processes. My mom called him emotionally self-destructive and I think it fits him well. There is something that even though I know this is affecting him, he hasn't said two words to me about it, he will let me walk away without addressing his own feelings about this situation.
Most of my family I haven't told yet. This isn't the time I want to hear the "I told you so's". I know that when I address my family and friends with this, it will be shocking and it will really make me face my reality... I know what the board would say, but it's a step I am just not ready for and like I stated I have to keep this somewhat under wraps until custody is finalized.Quote:
Originally Posted by winding200
This board has always been my lifeline, the people hear are wonderfully supportive and informed and have helped me maintain my sanity on multiple occasions (and we all know I am only borderline sane ;))
Sometimes people would rather keep their emotions in until it kills them. His lack of ability to express his emotions will be self destructive, as you can only hold them in for so long. So, while it seems he is a robot, eventually a short circuit will occur... it is sad as he will carry this baggage into every relationship he has from here on out.
When your partner can't communicate their feelings to you, I think it is a clear sign of something deeper and perhaps something that cannot be fixed, no matter how much you want to fix it. Some things are the way they are.
The one board member close enough to drink with me. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeMarie
That is something new to love.
If he isn't facing his feelings and talking about it then maybe inside he is torn up over it. But then again maybe he is waiting for it to be over and just keeping peace. Either way it makes it an emotional ride for you and that's not fair. He could at least talk. How will he act when he sees your children and there response to it? Does he think they will take it easy and get over it because they are kids? I have to say I can't get it in my head his not wanting marriage to a single mother. It makes no sense to me. Then why did he start to date you?
HAHA! Name the place. Be more than happy to hang out if you need someone to talk to =) And I sent you a message this morning about Saturday, didn't even realize what you were dealing with. If you need to reschedule, that's OK, but I guess sometimes an hour out of the house wouldn't be so bad huh? I guess just let me know what you'd like to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
Yes, my mom equated it to being an addict. You can't force someone to change their self-destructive ways no matter, how hard or how much you want to help.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
It hurts when there are no longer options that you want to face ahead of you. So today I am still trying to hang tough, I am just not as tough as I was yesterday, but there have been less tears.
We all have our inner demons to face... you can do what you want, when you want, how you want... but eventually there comes a time to pay the piper. Some of us have never done it, others have done it several times. He is no different.
I think this is a hang up that he has been trying really hard to work on. When we met he told me he wasn't going to date anyone else with children, as all of his previous relationships had been to single mothers. He listed the problems that he had with the relationships, the hearing 'you're not my dad!', mom always having last say and overruling any punishment he would want to enforce, if things don't work out the additional separation of losing all contact with children he grew attached to, dealing with the 'other' father, etc. All situations that I thought with the right partner could be handled without much complications. When we met he was 29 years old and I remember thinking if you are looking for a single woman without baggage, you are going to grow up alone. We became friends, things grew, I think he was really trying to handle this hang up. We have had our forks in the road where he could have made other choices then continue to pursue this and further the pain, he choose to stay, he choose to try.Quote:
Originally Posted by 88sunflower
I don't know that this situation is real to him yet. I don't think he has really thought about facing it. I know he hasn't slept the last two days, but he isn't talking to me about it. I don't think that this is something he is happy about, but since he's not talking I don't really know where his head is.
I have try going out drinking when I am emotional before, it's really a depressing sight. I will be ready to call you up on the night out in a couple of weekends though.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeMarie
We can change the plans to the following Saturday, I won't have the children and I think I will be in a better mood. Blubbering will only complicate things! I am doing a lot of that.
That's fine. There shouldn't be a problem next Saturday. And about going out, yeah we don't have to go out and get wasted or anything. And I know what you mean about the depressing sight, been there... haha!
Justy dear.
I'm sorry I went awol on you yesterday, a few things hit the fan and I had to leave. Forgive me?
I hope that you're feeling better.
I'm glad you decided to talk to everyone here. This is what we do after all, so use that to your advantage.
Words aren't going to help you much right now, but actions will. Chin up, look forward.
One thing I can promise you, it will get easier, this too shall pass.
Hugs to you sweet lady.
You know my number. If you ever need to talk just say the word, I'll be here. Okay? :)
I was just sitting here wondering why the heart feels so much stronger than the head.
My heart and head are standing at conflicting podiums right now in my own internal debate.
I know that my heart has all the power and my head has all the points. It's an internal debate that only leaves a loser. Although my head tells me that I don't lose to listen, my heart and soul tells me I do. I will win the battle and lose the war.
I know my feelings will pass and my heart will change it's direction, but I am not even sure that is truly what my head wants. I feel like the loser in a no win situation. I know I am strong, I can list all of my great qualities fifty times over, not because I am conceded, but because I know who I am. I can also list all of his great qualities and list the one quality that is overseeing anything great about him. I would prefer something simple, something easy to walk away from, but instead I am left with something I can't grasp and something I don't understand personally.
Today: Multi-faceted confusion. :(
Justy, this is normal, don't beat yourself up about it.
Question dear. If you met this wonderful guy, the man of your dreams in every way, but, he's married, would you let your heart make the decision or your head?
I think I know you well enough to know you wouldn't cross that line, so I'm going to assume that you'd leave, because of his commitment to someone else.
The situation you're in right now is similar. He may be great in so many ways, yes, you love him, but, he'll never completely be yours. There's no other woman, just his mental block, his unwillingness to see, to accept, to commit.
You deserve more then this. You know you do. Your heart deserves someone that will not break it over and over again.
Let yourself be confused today. Let yourself cry, get angry, all the emotions that need to come out. Tomorrow is the day to pick yourself up move ahead.
Give yourself today. Tomorrow we'll kick your butt into gear. ;)
You will be fine.
::sigh:: Isn't it strange how other people are more right about my own life. How screwy is that? We all know it, we all face it, other people can manage our lives better then we can. They see threw the garbage. ::sigh::
It's easy to be objectionable and give advice when we aren't the ones attached to the situation. Sucks that more often than not I can't follow my own advice... I tend to let my emotions run me, then, after a few days of solid rational thought, I immediately regret doing that.
That was good kc. Very good.
Justy your in this bubble right now and you have emotions spinning around you. Its easier for others to see the picture as a whole. Its all blurred for you at this point and may be until you can get your custody settled and out on your own.
It's easier to see someone else's situation clearer then we do our own.
When you're living it there's always a fog, when you're on the outside looking in, it's clear as day.
I rarely follow my own advice, too hard. ;)
So you are all my beacons.
That absolutely makes the most sense to me. :)
Shine on, beacons of light, I will make it there yet.
Of course you will make it there. The best thing ANY person can do, in my opinion, is be a good parent. Not only are you good, you are great, and if someone can't share that with you because of some misplaced sense of self righteousness, then their loss. You are strong, beautiful and someday a guy will come along who will accept you for that and love you, unconditionally. Until then, we are here for you! You have been a pillar and inspiration to a lot of folks on this board, and it will remain that way.
Of course if that last one is too bright, I also carry one of these
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/...500_AA280_.jpg
It so funny how many times I have thought to myself that he places conditions on love.
All those fines I incurred for running through the stop signs and red lights are going to be a heavy price to pay. :)
Thank you all for your support, now I just want the ability to move.
Is that a request for a kick in the arse?Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
You know I'm up for it. :D
Was it too soon? It was too soon... :(
You said tomorrow is the arse kicking day. Today I mope, you support, no arse kicking.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
My arse is still sore from your last kick!
You said you needed the ability to move. I was only trying to help.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
Okay, persuasion is better then force. Will you move for chocolate?
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