Don't be weak man
Keep to NO contact!
Never go back in life.
Always move forward! :)
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Don't be weak man
Keep to NO contact!
Never go back in life.
Always move forward! :)
I know you are kind of playing devil's advocate here and I appreciate your input, however I would have to respectfully disagree with some of the things you are saying.Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Yes I broke contact to e-mail her, but no there was no goading involved. Perhaps I should not have said something, that has crossed my mind... But my e-mail was very to the point, not insulting and more of a note to make her aware that I was aware of what happened. I do believe I am entitled to say something, I gave my life to this person for 4 years and literally put everything I had into it... I treated her like a queen. Over this time was made to feel like dirt several times and I caught her "emotionally" cheating on me twice. Should I have gotten up and left sooner. Yes, but when you are in love you usually throw logic to the dogs. There is no doubt in my mind that she cheated, and its not just my friend saying it, her best friend even told that she cheated when she went to cuba. I kept my mouth shut on that one as I didn't want to jeopardize their friendship. And I know that me calling her out on this latest accusation is in part of not being able to say something about the other one. That I know happened as she was caught in the act. It's a difficult pill to swallow hearing that somebody you loved and never waiverd from could betray you like that when you thought they loved you. I don't regret sending that e-mail and believe almost anyone would do the same when you have gone through something like this.
And if taking the low road is not calling her than I guess all the advice I have received here is wrong...
And as for my friend, he wasn't sure about telling me at first but decided I deserved to know, and frankly I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't. How do you not tell one of your good friends that. Calling him a gossip and a troublemaker is ludicrous and not appreciated.
And finally, I do know I invited contacted by sending that e-mail. Its not something I wanted and am not really surprised that she would want to have her say... Whether I should just ignore it is the question.
How do you figure you're doing NC? You've broken it once and are asking us for permission to do it again??
Your email was a big tease to her and made her think you still care somehow and might want to get back together. (That's how we females think--not logically but hopefully.) Another contact by you will firm that up in her pretty little head. Do you want to do that? And if you contact her again, this is no longer NC. I'm guessing this new drama won't end after a second contact.
I am aware and have conceded that I broke NC with that e-mail. And I am not asking for permission on should I do it again, breaking it at this point is not of great concern to me, I feel I have moved on quite sufficiently and am not worried about the repercussions from talking to her. And this is not a game, if she wants to think I want her back than by all means she can think that (however I don't see how what I wrote to her could be interpreted as wanting her back in any sense). I am moving on and really don't care she thinks I am feeling towards her, because I know how I feel and that's all that counts.
I knew I would get jumped on for writing that e-mail to her, and I can honestly see your points and appreciate them from a logical standpoint... But really, how many people wouldn't say something after finding out 4 years of your life was a farce. I kept it professional and know that a lot of people would have approached the situation with guns a blazing which I didn't.
Then what does the heading of your question mean: "Should I break NC one last time. "Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
True, but then you are not thinking like a female like she is. You are thinking like a male because ummmm that's what you are. But to a female, the mere fact that you contacted her indicates there is still some interest on your part.Quote:
(however I don't see how what I wrote to her could be interpreted as wanting her back in any sense)
All she knows is that you contacted her again. *relieved sigh* Now she is desperate to explain herself further to you. Professionalism has nothing to do with anything. You are being so MALE and she is a FEMALE--two entirely different worlds. Books have even been written about it. John Gray made millions with his Men are from Mars-Women are from Venus idea.Quote:
I kept it professional
I vote no more contact.
Yes. I often try to look at things from both sides. And I likewise disagree respectfully. I want to make clear that I do sympathize with your situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
It is goading that you wrote at all after refusing all contact for so long and also goading that you brought up such a loaded topic.Quote:
Yes I broke contact to e-mail her, but no there was no goading involved.
Yes! That's what I'm saying.Quote:
Perhaps I should not have said something, that has crossed my mind...
Perhaps. But then you are talking about a conversation. And a conversation goes two ways. She is similarly "entitled" to respond.Quote:
I do believe I am entitled to say something, I gave my life to this person for 4 years and literally put everything I had into it...
It's totally understandable that you would do that. But it was still not in your interest to contact her and you lowered yourself by contacting her in a way she could not respond to.Quote:
I don't regret sending that e-mail and believe almost anyone would do the same when you have gone through something like this.
I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that you can behave in a way that is above reproach (not for her sake but for how you'll view yourself; no nagging doubts). Or you can just look out for what's best for you in the short term. Which is NC. My first impulse was to say NC. Period. But then I started thinking about the fact that you had precipitated this situation and so I wrote something different.Quote:
And if taking the low road is not calling her than I guess all the advice I have received here is wrong...
She is obviously not someone you want to be in contact with.
I apologize for the harsh words. But I do believe he hurt you by telling you. As far as I can tell, it has gained you nothing but heartache.Quote:
And as for my friend, he wasn't sure about telling me at first but decided I deserved to know, and frankly I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't. How do you not tell one of your good friends that. Calling him a gossip and a troublemaker is ludicrous and not appreciated.
The email was a mistake, that can only be corrected with never contacting her again, for any reason.
She is a can of worms, never to be opened again, for any reason whatsoever!
I think the issue here is that you got to tell her what was on your mind but she doesn't get the luxury of being heard, as a woman I can tell you that it must be frustrating as hell. If you feel she deserves it then do not contact her again, let her go on with her lack of closure. If you do decide to contact her, just remember that you are putting some of the control you exercise right now, back in her hands. What you should do depends on what you're capable of managing.
Hey All thanks for the help.
I probably came off a little hostile at moments and I apologize, mainly to "asking".
Had trouble comprehending why I shouldn't get a word in after what I heard. But I took a step back and can see that you're right, contacting her was wrong and I should have just let the news fuel my resolve that I am better off. We're only human and emotions can really cloud our judgment... should have just slept on it until I calmed down. Live and learn though.
And Dragonfly you are absolutely right, not just for a woman but for anyone I can see it being hard to be accused of something and not have a chance to say your piece. I am sure I would have done the same thing as her.
And asking I find myself agreeing with you now about my friend. While he is a good buddy I really see your point about nothing being gained. I am sure he had good intentions but really it did nothing but upset me and cause this situation.
So again thanks, and sorry if I came of confrontational. Wasn't happy and didn't want to be told I did something wrong. Every now and then we need a kick back into reality.
I like responding to your questions, because even when your are speaking from emotion, you're still a rational, reasonable guy who genuinly wants objective advice. It's always a pleasure helping someone who wants to help himself. Don't beat yourself up over having had a reaction to what you've learned. Honestly, most of the time, you exercise more self control than I ever could! You're doing pretty darn good.
I disagree with the fact that your friend shouldn't have told you. Honestly, I think that is something that you deserve to know, and any good friend would tell you that. Reason being, that if you were ever to start thinking about giving this girl a chance, this is information that would be pertinent to the situation. You're friend did the right thing by telling you and sure it hurt a little bit, but it goes to show her true colors. Also, you know you can have a friend to count on. What kind of friend would keep information regarding your girlfriend screwing around on you quiet? Regardless of whether you were in the relationship? This was a dishonest act by her and if your friend was not to tell you, even if he just found out about it, he would be supporting her dishonesty by not letting you know. Be glad you have a friend that good.
Thanks for letting us exercise our "boots" today, come back anytime for that! HEHEHEHE!!
If NNG were thinking about resuming with her, I agree it would be appropriate.Quote:
Originally Posted by thadevilsadvocate
But I think a friend has an obligation to think it through. I once learned that my father and god mother had been intimate. It was very upsetting to me and I was momentarily tempted to talk to my godmother's daughter, who was my best friend. But then I realized I didn't want her to feel the way I did. She's dead now and I'm still glad I never mentioned it. She didn't need to know. Depending on the situation, I think keeping a secret can be a kindness.
I think my ex husband was probably unfaithful to me. But I don't know any details. If someone came to me now with a list of his partners, and details, I would not want to hear it. That's behind me. And I would wonder what their motivation was.
Just my take.
I agree with Dragnonfly and talaniman on this!Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234
In my posts I'm trying to set a high bar.
Don't think I meet it myself.
Hey Guys,
So I am now approaching the 9th month of single life... Life is good, however there is a little nuisance that won't seem to go away; my ex.
During the christmas holidays she sent me several e-mails saying how she missed me and wanted to get together. I ignored them all and went to mexico for a week. I have sinced returned and just received another email from her today. She said she saw the pictures I had posted from mexico (must have seen them on a friends Facebook as I have blocked her) She complemented the way I looked and said she missed me again. Also wanted to know when I was going to move down south (where she is) and maybe see where things go between us. (how can she still say these things? )
Now I would never get back with her at this point... EVER. But these e-mails still bother me a bit. It more or less makes me angry that she thinks she can contact me and act like nothing ever happened, like she didn't devastate my world and furthermore hurt me by the way she acted after. Its like she thinks I am cool with it and would consider giving us another go.
Sometimes I feel like emailing her and telling her how it is, how she hurt me deeply back then, how I could never forgive her for the guys she got with afterwards, how we are not friends, how we never will be friends, how I don't want her to have any part in my life, and how I don't love her anymore... that its over, forever, and that I hope she is happy with her choice because there is absolutely no going back.
Before anybody says anything I have blocked her e-mails... However my outlook only sends it to the junkmail folder... which I check before I delete because important emails have ended up there before.. and when I see them I can't help but read them.
Should I just continue to ignore her, or just let her know what this break up was to me, basically saying what I said above...
You guys haven't steered me wrong before, so I will listen. I have an overwhelming sense that I should just stay NC, as I suppose not saying anything at all will eventually give her that message. If anything this just felt good to vent, as I don't bother my friends with this anymore.
100% NC. Don't say anything if you do not feel comfortable doing so.
She will get the hint.
And that's the thing, I don't want to provoke anymore contact... it would probably add fuel to her fire...
Let her wonder, keep NC.
Yes, it very well may provoke more. I would definitely not say anything. You yourself even said:
Why stir the pot any more by talking?Quote:
Now I would never get back with her at this point... EVER.
Enjoy your life as you have been, NC all the way and let her continue getting her information from outside sources
My ex is STILL bothering me, STILL contacting, STILL wanting me back after 7 months .
And guess what I'm doing wrong? I'm answering him EVERY time he emails me.. and it's not getting me anywhere
You don't owe her an explanation of any sort, continue the no contact and keep moving forward..
You know how I like to think of it? Starting contact with an ex is like picking at an old scab, all you have left is a bloody mess..
Stay strong and good luck my friend
Keep NC dude... sounds like you are doing great.
She will get the message... and hopefully will back off... I know her emailing you would probably piss you off since it shows she's got the nerve to wonder if you want to come back. You just have to show her your not stupid and your not coming back... NC will give her that message..
Good luck
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
While I agree with what everyone else has said, I also think its okay for you to express how you feel to her.
It sounds to me that you're completely over her. You are not initiating contact because you want to get back together, but because you want her to stop bothering you. So I think it is your choice, whether you spell it out for her.
I disagree with you Kaitou because I think she is doing this in order to get a reaction out of him, be it positive or negative. Giving her what she wants provides opportunity for communication and by the same token, some sort of a relationship to be established, even if it is a relationship based on simply two exes expressing how they feel to each other. Regardless of whether they feel the same or differently, they are still communicating with each other.
I think the best solution is no relationship whatsoever, i.e. no contact.
Hey all,
Once again, thanks for the help... Well I contacted my ISP, I asked if they could block her emails on their server before they were sent to my outlook, they said no problem so I guess that takes care of that.
What a wild journey it has been... and I can confidently say I am almost there... And I really mean it when I say it was the most emotionally challenging thing I have ever faced.
I'll admit it was pretty tempting to just let her have it and let her know who inconsiderate and vindictive she has been through all this and how this is totally her loss. But I think silence will speak louder in this case, and frankly I don't even want her to know she had that effect on me.
I guess NC is NC, from beginning to forever... It really is the only way to go about a break up...
Good for you.
I can't help but feel that NC for some of you is like a battle with your ex. That is if you contact your ex at all, then you lose. Because you're showing your ex, that he/she is having an effect on you.
Because for me NC is different. NC is for me. NC is for when I know I can't handle communication with that person. NC is for when I'm still upset at the situation or still angry with the situation.
But once, I've gotten over the situation. That is I am no longer angry or upset. That is I can look at it an appreciate the lessons I learnt from it. I wouldn't mind telling my ex exactly how I feel. Because I always wanted him to know. Not because I want him to feel guilty, not because I want revenge, not because I want him back.
But because I just want to let him know. And frankly I don't care if he knows exactly how I felt over an email. Because I won't ever see him again anyway. He is not part of my life anymore.. so why would I care how he sees me.
Yeah sure he has an effect on me, but I'm not scared of admitting it or letting him know, because you know what.. the fact that he is contacting me, shows that I have an effect on him too.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, whether you lose the battle or not, depends on how you perceive the situation..
For me NC is a battle with myself, to test my strength, to test how well I know myself...
I guess I'm just the type of person that is not scared of laying it all out there. I have told my ex exactly how his actions were inconsiderate, but in a very diplomatic manner. I look back at them, and I don't regret anything I said, because I've simply stated the situation and the facts. And I got a feeling he wanted to know as well, because he kept contacting me. As if he needed closure as well..
I hope this made sense :S
Edit:.. oh but then of course, NC is also for not contacting that person, because he/she is just not worth your time.
Hey kaitou,
I definitely understand what you are saying.
Don't get me wrong though, my NC was definitely for me and still is... A part of me actually feels bad that I ignore her (how I can feel bad for her after all this beats me)
What you said about not caring what they think about you because you will never see them again makes a lot of sense to me. I suppose its just a personal victory for me, and if that makes me feel good than that's reason enough. And if you don't say anything there is no room for their rebuttal.
Closure would be nice but in time my want for that will fade, as will all my feelings for her... I just have to trust in that, and I think total NC is the fastest way to get there. I'll definitely be preaching that on this site and to all my friends that go through this in the future.
Hey Northern Nice Guy,
You are definitely someone I look up to in this situation in getting your "love locked down" (had to. Kanye reference. Catchy- song). And it seems like you're doing very well.
You know, you can only be unhappy so long in a relationship until you realize that your partner is never going to change. If you're putting more effort into the deal than they are, it's not worth it.
And it looks like she realized how good she had it. She lost.
But the thing that amazes me most is that you have stuck by your guns with this one, and not gone back because you remember how it was and how it would never change. I wish, that if someday my ex contacted me (which she probably will, she's done it 3 times before), I would have the wisdom to say... not worth it. And keep it locked down.
Any tips?
P.s. If you're ever in Ohio, hit me up on here. We can swap stories, drink beers, and chase skirts.
No contact... she should give up after a few tries.
She'll realize that you're over it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by southerngalps
Oops... missed the second page.
That is great that they were able to block her emails. You won't have to do anything :)
Hey yoso,
Well I can't say my NC was all that great in the early days.. But eventually the games and bull$hit get to you and you realize that responding to them gets you no where but feeling bad.
If anything just take what everyone else here has said as gold, because its all from experience. NC is the only way to go, so do your best to stick to it.
And funny you say that about Ohio, I will actually be there in march to visit some friends. Sounds like a plan to me.
You done good!
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