Ask Me Help Desk - I am confused.

True but when it comes to the heart, you cannot analyze this.
Which takes me back to my original question about cold feet and people being scared of commitment. I knew if we married she need to quit her job, sell her house and move to the Proovidence area, go from a professional to a mom. I offered after speaking to my boss, I can move to CT, keep your job until we start our family. Although we did not do much this winter except stay home with my mother, my family has finally decided to help me out and take mom 2 times a month ofr a long weekend so that her nad I can enjoy ourselves. This was never an issue but now is, and she loves my mom very much. Could she be making me suffer on purpose to see the extend of my love and if I am really in Love with her? (I do not like that game).

Like the ticket to the soccer game, she knows it is 2 hours away for me, instead of buying me a tix and inviting me, she send me the link and tells me it is an announcement not an invitation. Another way to see me indirectly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

BB,
As you know last week we kissed, she can be very nice but sometimes very frustrated with me. I am not sure if she is struggling with her emotions, her decision, wants me to pursue her, give up on her or what.
Had it been me and I wanted to break up with someone, I would not want to be friends if I knew the person was really in love with me and hurting, I would not go out with them or take their calls, and lastly let them know of a soccer game that is 2 hours away from them so they could come and tell them it is not an invitation but just an announcement. What is she thinking? Does she know what she wants?

After all these questions you have for me, I have one for you...

Why are you asking me these things? Every single one of these questions is one that should be asked to her, nobody here can give you the answer, we can purely speculate. Ask her what you want to ask her. If she keeps giving you the "it frustrates me" runaround, then I would say that it isn't worth it. If she won't discuss it, but throws these signals at you, then she is keeping you around for security and comfort.

You deserve to find someone who knows what they want, and that is you.

Marriage at this time would be a disaster, as you don't sound as if you work together very well or communicate well enough. I would back off if I were you, and get someone local to date.
I can't see this as fun at all.

Oh Talaniman, marriage is way out of the question right now. I am not proposing anytime soon if we get back together. I really need to figure her out. Already had a failed marriage not going to do it again.

I don't see you figuring her out with questions, she responds better to actions I think, which is a whole new level of communications. Her walls are up, and rightfully so, and at 39, she isn't going to give up what she has built for just any one, for sure. The distance has you at a disadvantage though and can only drain your confidence.

True, I know only my actions will prove to her how I really feel, how much I love her and want to be in a successful relationship with her. She has told me she is defensive and now every time we talk she tries to cut the conversation short and tries not to go into details, says OK got to go, have work to do. I feel she is struggling within herself to be rational about this. I have decided to give her some time and see how she does, try to see her as much as I can and really show her that I am willing to work on us if she is willing to do the same. It would be so much easier if I was closer. Everything has to be planned way ahead of time nothing at an impulse.

Quote:

It would be so much easier if I was closer. Everything has to be planned way ahead of time nothing at an impulse.

That in itself is a neat trick.

This is when being a salesperson with clients in her area comes in handy. Hey I was in the area to visit a few clients, would you like to go to lunch? Or drop off flowers, or something.
Would that be too much pressure?

Is anger normal when someone breaks up with you?
For some reason or another, she is very ANGRY at me and finds anything to argue with me. Any word I say after and argument or a disagreement is the beginning of a new one.
I did not break up with her, she left me. I want her back, she does not.

It's common to behave this way. Of course, after dumping you, she only gets to make herself feel better using this tactic because you dog after her giving her the opportunity to do so. So, you're contributing, too.

Back off, and let the dust settle, instead of bulling ahead to get what you want.

She probably feels guilty and is trying to use any tool possible to ease her guilt. In time, everything will even out and you two will both see each other clearly again. Break away from her, like JB said.

Thanks Everyone. I will backoff. Hoping she will know that I am not giving up on her but just giving her space. Any other advice on how to let her know I am here but not here?
I am even considering not showing up to the soccer game since she said it was not an invitation but just an announcement that there is a game I might want to go to and that she bought her ticket already.

I think not going is the right thing to do.

Don't worry about her backing off. If she backs off, she was going to do it all along. She doesn't need you to keep making efforts to make up her own mind. In fact, she will be better able to make the right decision with some space of her own. In other words, your pressure might force her into a decision (such as staying with you) that she might regret later, causing you both more hurt.

The last thing I need if for someone to be involved or be in a relationship with me when they do not want it. I prefer to fail right now than with kids or after having gotten married.
I do not need a One sided relationship.

I have so far been very successful at not calling, emailing, or texting. I miss her like there is no tomorrow but I feel strongly I am doing the right thing in giving her some space.
Thank you again for all you help and if you have more advice or anything else you can think of, please let me know.
My biggest dilemma right now is wanting to let her know I am HERE for her but also not here to pressure her. Any advise? When will it be time to send flowers, a note, a card, an email?

Tough as it is to hear, I think the answer to your question is never.

She knows your there, you have made that evident in the last few weeks. She isn't going to forget that you are there - she wants time and space. If you must talk to her after a decent amount of time has passed, then you contact her then. Don't worry about it now.

BB,
You do not sound too optimistic!!

After almost a week, I heard from her today in the form of an email with a YouTube link and a website having to do with the link. No hello, no hi, no how are you.
Just that.
What is going on in that mind of hers??
Does anyone understand this behavior??
If I replied she will probably say it was an "announcement" just like she did last week about the soccer game.

She's sending you spam links like any of her other acquaintances. You're moving completely into the friend zone. Nothing confusing here.

I wish we had all this technology back in the day, I would be freakin' INVINCIBLE!

I read your posts. A lot of this other stuff being said by you and her, all the petty annoyances she's claiming, I think is just smoke and mirrors and clouding the issue.

It sounds like she was planning to marry you, was actively trying to get pregnant with your child, and then (I better say that again) THEN, you told her that you loved her but weren't in love with her. That had to make her feel about as sexy as a wet blanket.

?

I guess it's not too hard for me to see why she's a bit angry. And confused.

Sokay,

It was the other way around, she asked me if I was in Love with her and I stupidly said No I love you but I am not in Love with you. And now I can tell you I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for her. The pregnancy was about 1.5 month later when she said we should try.
The timing of her breakup coincided with my divorce date. Now she lost control, she knew I was going to propose, hence my thought that she got cold feet and decided to run fast.

I said: "you told her that you loved her but weren't in love with her"

You said:

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

Sokay, It was the other way around, she asked me if I was in Love with her and I stupidly said No I love you but I am not in Love with you.

So how is that the other way around? Even if it was how does that make it better? You're playing semantics here, word games. (And people who play word games, play more than one of them.) Either you love her, or you don't. No need to qualify it.

Perhaps you could have just leaned over and gently whispered into her ear that you done the research, crunched some numbers, and come to the laborious conclusion that you love her, on average, approximately 63% of the time. That'll be sure to turn her on.

Quote:

"And now I can tell you I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for her."

You can't unsay what you already said. The damage is done.

Quote:

"The timing of her breakup coincided with my divorce date."

I highly doubt that was a coincidence. You said that you had previously told her that you were going to ask her to marry you on the date your divorce was final, right? (BTW not exactly what every woman wants to hear... not exactly romantic timing... )

Do you think she wanted to marry some guy who... 'Loves her but is not in love with her'? Of course not. She's too good to settle for that.

Quote:

Now she lost control, she knew I was going to propose, hence my thought that she got cold feet and decided to run fast.

Bingo!

Sokay makes sense, Broken. It wasn't cold feet, it was a broken heart that caused her to leave the relationship. I think any man or woman would have reacted the same way. 'You love me, but aren't in love with me - then I've got to go'. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but, that is what I think. The only thing you can do is let her go. You will find someone that is better for you, who you do love, and are in love with.

Wow Sokay,
All right let me rephase. Yes I did tell her that I was not in LOVE with her. Then one after that we were still planning on getting pregnant. She did not seem to mind it. So she was still willing to marry me and have a family after I told her I loved her but not in love with her. In he meantime a coupe of Girlfriend of hers got involved to help her figure things out and that is what brought up all of this on the day my divorce was final. My divorce was final on the 22nd. I was going to propose tomorrow July 2nd, on my Birthday not on the day my divorce was final, I am not that insensitive. I hope I cleared any confusion I have caused.

Star,

I am crazy about her. I am truly in love with her.

When she would have taken me out for my Birthday and once I got my cake with the caddle, make my wish and get on my knee and say "this is what I wished for"

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, broken, I really am. But, she is real hurt, and her friends were looking out for her. Granted this is between you and her, but she was upset, and needed to talk to people about why she was upset. The only thing I can say is give her space. Do not go to the game either. It will not be good for you, or her. If she acts cold to you while you are there, how are you going to feel? Not good at all. Do not put yourself through that, and let her figure out her feelings for you herself. That is really all you can do at this point.

Update.
Well I saw her last night, we had a good time did not talk about us during the game. Went out to dinner with other mutual friends but after dinner we talked. She needs us to take some time away from one another, feels that I am still angry at my ex wife, too soon after my ex left we got involved, I did not have time for me, did not have time to find myself, and or heal. I agreed. She wants to stay friends, says she loves me and care a lot about me, is still attracted to me. Wants us to see each other at sports events, go out with mutual friends, in groups. Cannot just go out with me alone yet but will consider it and we can play it by ear. She wants me to take 6 months to a year to find what I really want and heal with the help of a professional. I need to focus on me. In the future, if we are meant to be, we will be. She promised that if she changes her mind before the time frame of 6 months, she will let me know. She confessed that she misses me sometimes and feels lonely. It is a nice feeling knowing that I am not the only one hurting. I know it sounds selfish, but we are both hurting. Will have to wait and see. Thank you all for all your input, thanks for listening to me, thanks for all the advise you have given me. Anymore input?
Have a Happy 4th.

Hi Broken,

I think that is very sensible. I too am divorced, and I think you definatley need time to heal, at least a year (in my case anyway). She sounds like she gave you some great advise. Now, are you really going to take that advice? I suggest you do. Get yourself healed, do not rush the time to heal, you must do this for you now. Once you do, and whether you two get back together or not, you will be stronger, happier within and for yourself, and will be ready for a relationship. Just keep up the good work, and by all means, see a counselor, and stay on this site. We are always happy to help!

Have a great 4th, okay? :)

Thanks Star.
I have been seeing someone since she left me. At least now I am no longer confused as to where I stand with her. I can focus on me and my work. It felt so good when she told me how she really felt about me. I even told her that I did not like the mean way she treated me the past 5 weeks. I guess she was very emotional and confused. I did tell her that I am comfortable telling her that I never felt for anyone the way I currently feel for her. She is having a hard time believing me, not sure if it is the rejection talking or if it is really me talking. Time will tell. My approach will be to still email her and talk on the phone, see her at soccer events as much as I can and hope that the candle is going to stay lite at a minimum for now. I will be seeing her on Wednesday again. When I ask if she would like me to come to her game, she got a little edgy but then told me of course I would like for you to come, you do not need to ask me that.

I meant seeing someone, a therapist I meant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

I meant seeing someone, a therapist I meant.

I know ;) And that is great! I am so glad to hear that you are doing something for yourself. Listen, now is the time where you talk to your therapist about everything about you, your ex-wife, your relationship with your current g/f. Get everything out in the open, because that is when therapy is most effective (Gee, you think I went to therpy? LOL!)

Thanks STAR. You are awesome.

You are so welcome, sweetie. Anytime! We are all hear for you!

I got asked to go to another game Tuesday!!

Wow she even offered to buy me a ticket for the game and she told about a tailgate before the game that she will keep me posted about.
I am going as a friend, I am not going to read into this anymore or overanalyze this, it is just causing my head and heart to hurt. Would someone care to do it on my behalf?

Like I told someone before, friendships can last longer than fleeting relationships that break-up over insecurities. We've all been through it.

I have former lovers who are my best friends now. Some took months, some years - but our friendship now will never cease to exist and we can have fun without having to 'act' around each other. We even laugh about the 'good old days' sometimes and enjoy meeting our families.

Life takes us through a lot of changes as we grow, just enjoy the time at the games and don't let false hopes ruin things for you.

Have a great time..

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