I do thinks she wants to see me, and I know it will be a surprise. Personally Wildcat if that question was for me. I DO know what I did wrong. I have a laundry list of **** I need to do to be a better guy in general.

She left cause I stopped letting her do things she really wanted to do. Hanging out with guy friends, I was jealous and I didn't trust her gf's either. I know that now. I am going to see how I feel about waiting longer. I understand why 3 months is your expectation. But I know that I am going to do it when feel like I won't crumble and beg her to come back. But time may be necessary, I will go day by day.

In general as a note for prosty, I don't know if it still makes you heartbroken to think about your girlfriend. But it did for me , and still does, but seriously going out and having a good time and just forgetting she exists is your best bet until you really feel better about her.

I can look at the momentos of her now (Only weeks later) and I don't get the 'punched in the gut' feeling that I was getting. Trust me there are other girls who you will have a connection with, maybe not now or for months or even years. But the girl is out there and you have to assme that this one isn't the one.

Every breakup is just one step closer to 'the one'.

For now... Enjoy the single life, remember how much you wanted to hit on girls when you were hanging with your girl? Do that and enjoy it, it won't heal the pain, but it will hide it until you can better deal with it. Worst case you meet someone that is a better replacement, you know trade in for a better model?

Wow, lost track of which forum I was in when I did that last post...

Personally - I don't hink she wants to see you.

You wouldn't let her hang with her friends??

She wants a guy who confident - not jealous. Sounds like you were controlling - that's a real nice feature women want - nope.

If you were controlling and jealous - it's highly unlikely she will come back. Those are two key things women hate. They feel trapped - that which is trapped always wants to escape.

I agree with Wildcat. You need some distance from this situation to reflect over things... It it wasy to be blinded in these situations. You should have 5+ more dates with different women before you decide for sure that you want to get in touch with this girl again. And give it some time (2 + months)

Anothering thing that bothers me is she has a lot of guy friends?

Normal women don't need a lot of guy friends. The women that do - need a lot of attention - low, low self esteem.

Wome nwho need a lot of guy friends tend to cheat as well. They easily let their feelings get involved and will fool around.

I am not sure you want to be with him.

Wildcat,

Please don't bash me after I agree that I am jealous and have already stated that is why my girl left. I know that now. I know she just wanted to do a lot of the things she didn't feel she could do while she was with me.

Now explanation of why I didn't want her to hang out with the guy that asked her out on a date about a year ago. Which I did let her do, until the guy showed up decked out ready to court my girlfriend. That sir is why I was not comfortable with the guy. Also the girlfriend she had is a lesbian and needless to say my ex was not the straightest girl I've dated.

So if she had normal friends, like some chicks that wanted to go out, I would've let her. So I just want you all to understand I didn't MAKE her stay home with me, and I didn't not let her have friends. At this point if I had only trusted her more it may have been fine.

Needless to say I know the mistakes I made and already would let her do anything she wants but I HAVE offered her that but she says she needed to leave.

Also wildcat something that I personally believe is that both of us are better off splitting up. I don't believe that if I had acted exactly the way she 'needed' me to that she would've stayed.

We have been together since we were 18 and neither of us have ever gotten to hit a club/bar on our own since we turned 21 (I have now). You know playing the field without a partner on the bench. Needless to say we both know that we are as close as any 2 people could be. My intentions when I meet with are not to ask her back out or even mention us getting back together. I respect the fact that she was able to leave me and let us both pursue our lives on our own. So incedentally I don't want to be back with her any time soon, but I do very much want to keep in touch with her.

Why? Because she is my best friend as I have said before, regardless of who we are with or what we are doing.

I just thought you should know exactly how I feel about the situation. My being distraught is not because I want her back right now, but because I miss telling her what I did today. Not sex, not going to dinner.

Worst part is that I didn't know that's what I was going to miss. Because the latter is all we used to do. Eitherway I am going to do what I want. Which may be going and surprising her. And yes, in a week from now if she saw me squatting on her car, I know she would be pretty excited. I've seen the girl almost everyday for 4 years, its been 2 weeks and I know her. She is my friend and you all talk like that is a bad thing if we do end up friends. I don't get it, I do want her happy which is why in the end I let her go without a fight.

No, she doesn't have a lot of guy friends...

It's a good honest guy, wholesome (Hard to believe but he is) the guy that she had agreed to go out with. Eitherway no she doesn't have a lot of guy friends, but she has always hung out as one of the guys and I think lately she has felt like she wants to be more my girlfriend less my friend. I say I think, but she told me that, unprompted.

So yeah...

Like I had told you, attention and caring wasn't my strong points in the relationship and we went a long time resenting, but loving, each other.

Pretty disgusting I know but we both did care about each other more than we could handle which is why we put up with so much crap. It was a tough relationship for both of us and she knows it too.

Thank you all for your advice and please give more, but trust that these relationships you speak of in such broad terms are not that simple.

Oh but I am taking most of your advice cat. I haven't called her at all and if I hadn't posted I would've called her a good half dozen times. Also I am going to work out tonight AND looking forward to hitting the bar on st patty's.

So like I said keep the advice coming.

All right here is the update for my situation as we push 1 month.

I HAVE contacted her. For a while I had to go through her mom to tell her what other bills she had pending and a bunch of other crap. So rather than play a game of seeming like I can't talk to her because of how bad I feel. I called and told her mom I needed to talk to her about all that stuff and said I was going to ask her to play pool. I have yet to actually speak with her, its been over 3 weeks. But she emailed me the day after I called with answers to all the stuff I was going to talk to her about. So in my reply (Which I waited 2 days to write) I told her that she covered all the things I was going to say and told her that I was busy Friday (She thought she was going to meet up with me then). Incidentally I have a date Friday, Saturday, and Monday. NYC, College Party, and mountain biking respectively, all 3 different girls.

I don't plan on hanging out with her but I thought a little bit of confidence in contacting her but still avoiding her wouldn't hurt. I will still not call her back at this point since ALL business has been settled (I really couldn't avoid discussing the things I talked to her about).

Overall I have been having an awesome time of this whole process, except a little lonely, but I think after this weekend I won't have enough free time.

Rock on, I know I haven't followed the advice to a 'T', but I am expanding on the theory.

Update, she stopped by my parents house to pay me and my mom back. My mom tells me she seemed surprised and disappointed that I did not email her back. Although I did, she probably checked her email the next night and saw it wasn't there and hasn't checked again. Even though I contacted her initially I feel as though I am in control...

JC

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Originally Posted by jc105

Update, she stopped by my parents house to pay me and my mom back. My mom tells me she seemed surprised and dissappointed that I did not email her back. Although I did, she probably checked her email the next night and saw it wasn't there and hasn't checked again. Even though I contacted her initially I feel as though I am in control...

JC

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Just a general question... why does everyone always have to play games with each other? Especially-if you are already broke up?

I read a lot of these posts and it is all about how to be the one in control of her or him, why can't we all just be in control of ourselves? For example, don't call them, let them call you... well what if they are thinking the same thing and no one calls anybody!
Just one example of a game.
It's ridiculous. Why is going with your heart considered "the wrong way"?
There is nothing wrong with calling somebody first, there is nothing wrong with approaching somebody first-nothing. It just shows that you are interested and in some cases-have more guts than the other party.
The most saddest thing in the world today is that people like to hurt each other-it seems to boost one's ego.
Then there are those "sensetive" ones out there who are good people, have good hearts, and can't understand why they are hurting so bad-why they get treated so bad. It's all BS.

I know from my experience with break-ups, leaving well enough alone is the best thing. If it was meant to be then it would be. I was with my high school sweetheart for 4 years, and we had a very hard break up (as we were engaged and living together.) I ended up getting my own place at the time and he did try to contact me several times (to the point where I had to change my ph#) and It made it very hard to move on. We could never be "just friends" again as we had shared too many intimate moments together that could never be forgotten. I found it was a lot easier to move on if we just didn't talk at all! I thought he was "the one" but obviously he wasn't. I thought I would never get over him, but I was only 21 at the time and so after a lot of partying (yea, I did my fair share of that!) and dating different people I forgot about him and now I don't even think about it anymore. I hope he is happy, actually, and I don't have any regrets.

Hmmm you know what ? I think it depends because whenhe/she goes and you just go on with your life, even date around I think he/she will come back if they see what they are missing. it happened to me once, although it was hardto let go but you haveto, have fun,date around and she'll be back,hope this helped.

Yes, that the ONLY way it works. But, if ot's broke on one end - move on... that's the only way you WILL find your soul mate.

I am a big pro-ponent of winback... BUT, you have to have really strong feelings for that person, there is NO cheating involved, NO abuse of any kind - verbal or physical. But, first asses the pros and cons of the relationship... is lust/smitten or love??

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Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

It's ridiculous. Why is going with your heart considered "the wrong way"?
There is nothing wrong with calling somebody first, there is nothing wrong with approaching somebody first-nothing. It just shows that you are interested and in some cases-have more guts than the other party.

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All right Depressed here is my rational on why I won't call her... yet. Or at least in regards to taking her out. First she moved out of my house. She told me we could try and date but she wasn't sure if I could handle it. That to me means she expects me to go chasing after her. She has a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and the guy still drives her around and hangs out, almost a year later. Even though she is a 'lesbian' now. First off, watching him is very sad to me and I WILL NOT be that guy. He empowers her every time he is nice after she disrespected him. They both know he would always be with her and that is what my girl thought, I assume because of her friends experience.

Now you said nice guys with broken hearts... If you read my other posts you would know I am a nice guy. And this girl broke my heart into a thousand pieces. When she told me she wanted to move out I went completely numb, couldn't even move. We were together for over a month after she said it the first time so I did get a lot of info from her. She expects us to at least talk and blah blah blah. But mainly she mentioned she wanted to see if she missed me. So that is what she gets. None of me, its been harder than quitting cig's to not call her. So to say I am playing with her is a stretch.

Also to say we are both waiting for the other is very true. I know she doesn't know what I am thinking, or doing. But I will surprise her in a couple weeks, once I am down to fight weight (JK). I'm down to just above 190 from 205, so she WILL be surprised. LOL, good times. And oh Wildcat, after 4 years of being with her, there is no question of whether this is love.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jc105

Alright Depressed here is my rational on why I won't call her...yet. Or atleast in regards to taking her out. First she moved out of my house. She told me we could try and date but she wasn't sure if I could handle it. That to me means she expects me to go chasing after her. She has a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and the guy still drives her around and hangs out, almost a year later. Even though she is a 'lesbian' now. First off, watching him is very sad to me and I WILL NOT be that guy. He empowers her everytime he is nice after she disrespected him. They both know he would always be with her and that is what my girl thought, I assume because of her friends experience.

Now you said nice guys with broken hearts... If you read my other posts you would know I am a nice guy. And this girl broke my heart into a thousand pieces. When she told me she wanted to move out I went completely numb, couldn't even move. We were together for over a month after she said it the first time so I did get a lot of info from her. She expects us to atleast talk and blah blah blah. But mainly she mentioned she wanted to see if she missed me. So that is what she gets. None of me, its been harder than quitting cig's to not call her. So to say I am playing with her is a stretch.

Also to say we are both waiting for the other is very true. I know she doesn't know what I am thinking, or doing. But I will surprise her in a couple weeks, once I am down to fight weight (JK). I'm down to just above 190 from 205, so she WILL be surprised. LOL, good times. And oh Wildcat, after 4 years of being with her, there is no question of whether or not this is love.

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Hey I'm not attacking you, and yes I've read your other posts. I completely understand what you are doing-just don't understand why you are doing it. She is playing games with you too. I just think the Ultimate game is to NOT play games back with them-that really drives them crazy. And I think that saves a lot of heart ache and time. Either you get back together with her or you don't. But all the games that are played in between will be thrown up in both yours and her faces and it will be really hard to trust each other moving forward...

DON'T BE that guy!!

That which is chased runs!!

Cat, I assume that's for MO. But MO it isn't for the worst. She wanted space and I have tried to contact her (early on). She didn't go out of her way to find me either. I do believe I shouldn't grovel after her, especially now that time has past. I will talk to her in length about the time apart, but eventually. If she really wants me she'll be around. You can't forget I am giving her what she wanted.

Yeah, called her. She is already seeing someone else and slept with him. Everyone was right from the beginning. F**** this chick.

Life sucks.

[quote=kp2171]my experience is move on. It's a waste of time to pine for what isn't any more.

Wasting time in a relationship that didn't work isn't worth beating yourself up about. Wasting time over a relationship that is likely over, now that is stupid.

I can say that cause I've done it myself.

How many people that break up w a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend are seeing that person again in 10 years? Few. How many people that get divorced marry the same person again. Few. It happens. Not often.

Something wasn't right. Sucks. Oops. Whatever. Pick yourself up and start again. There's a few billion other people out there. Chances are a few of them are better choices, eh?[/quote don't waste time or any more thought on her,simple:cool: :)

That's a nice thought, but she was my best friend before she was my girlfriend. I plan on retaining that relationship at the very least. Accepting she is with someone else and all that isn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I still hate it. I just wish I would've talked to her right after she left with the same confidence I have now. I know it wouldn't have been possible, but maybe she would've hesitated, who knows. She is coming over tonight to hang out so we will see how she feels.

As a note though, I would take being her friend over never talking to her. She has been there for me when no one else was and that is why I can't ignore her even though I would like too.

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Originally Posted by jc105

Yeah, called her. She is already seeing someone else and slept with him. Everyone was right from the beginning. F**** this chick.

Life sucks.

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Oh sweetie. It is hard and there is nothing really anyone can say to make you feel better inside (you know, that sick feeling in your gut)-Just stay sober and keep yourself busy.
When me and my guy broke up, I stayed drunk for about 10 months. Now that we've been back together, I would like the opportunity to still stay drunk... but can't happen. Only **** happens babe. But you will be OK no matter what.

Acceptance, letting go and moving on with your life. You cannot go back only forwards and eventually the one true love you thought you would never find walks into your life!

You have to be content with yourself and your life, function as a whole person, not just half of one.

You should have shut all contact. When you cantact someone after THEY HAVE broken with you come across as needs, insecure, desperate - VERY UNATTRACTIVE, NON-MANLY, WUSS comunications. Rightly or wrongly. This how women perceive that.

In MOST cases with women - 'Space' = break. No question.

Learn from this.

I met and dated my husband when I was 15 and he was 17 we fell in "love" hard but he broke it off with no real reason after a few months. Over the next few years of high school we talked about getting together a few times but nothing really happened. Then after high school I didn't see him for 2 years. As soon as life and I little push from me, brought us to each other we knew what we had to do and got married a few months later. For us it took 6 years and about 4 tries to be "ready" for each other, but worth it. I'd say yea let them go and if the love is there they will come back... but, every once in a while give it a little push.

No don't push a little. Like WildCat said if you chase they run (or something like that)-It is soooooooooo true.

You know a lot of people are going to tell you what you "should" do-even though some of them may never have been in your situation, or aren't in a situation like yours currently.

Go with your heart. You don't have to stop loving someone because they don't love you (you know what I mean). Just don't make it to where they are the only person you will ever love.

Please don't turn into a jerk because of this situation. Yes, girls are attracted to jerks, and yes they even stay with the jerks for a long time, maybe even forever, but it is never a happy relationship and who wants to live like that?
If you want to be happy-be nice. And respectful. I see that you are getting a lot of "advice" to hide your feelings, and act like you don't care because you might come off as weak or whatever, but no matter what, those feelings aren't going to go away by ignoring them...

Women like jerks a lot better than nice guys because they don't worry about sparing jerks feelings. Be a good guy and things won't matter.

The thing that is mostly wrong with the world today is that there are too many men out there who think they understand women, and too many women who think they understand men;hence, in the end, we are all back to square one.

I disagree, I don't like jerks! It is true that being a nice guy, sometimes you get walked all over, you just have to be a SMART nice guy. JC105, please don't change who you are just because this girl couldn't see it. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I do agree that a "break" usually does mean the "end", however, because I too have said this to an ex and meant forerver. It is just a nice way of saying it.
I don't think though that the saying that "nice guys finish last" is true, it may seem like that is true sometimes, but really, if you stay true to yourself, and who YOU are, in the end, you will finish first. It is when we loose ourselves and start trying to be what everyone else wants us to be, when we truly finish last. Who wants to be like everyone else? NOT ME!
JC105, I can tell that you seem to be a good guy and a caring person, and I know she screwed you, but there is someone out there, you just have to live your life and move on. I know it's hard, believe me, but it is true that Indepence is sexy to a woman, and if you live and breath independence, you will attract the right kind of woman! :)
Here's to the good guys!! :) :)

Yeah I talked to her last night for a few hours. Wildcat though she is with the guy she has known for a couple years so I can't resent that. But the conclusion that I have come to is that she isn't the same person. Not the person I was in love with, not the person I remember. She didn't even look that good, not that I ever really cared, but it would've been harder if she was looking better.

I wasn't needy with her that isn't how our relationship was. She knows why I needed to speak with her, we both needed a little more closure in the relationship. I have no misconceptions in that we will be getting back together anytime soon. She may love her new life and marry the man she is with now, maybe not. But she isn't the girl I loved, she is a woman I know. It hurts to say because now the hope I had of getting back my girl is gone. That girl no longer exists. The thing that kills is that she resents me for not being what she needed. She wanted to be put on a pedestal, and left to her freedom. I didn't put her on a pedestal because that isn't what she wanted when we met, and she couldn't be free while she lived in the same house as me. Not because I didn't let her but because she didn't feel comfortable in the situation.

I did not give off a needy persona to her. She knows how I feel about her and I told her she wasn't the same person I loved.

Life is sad, because the person I loved changed into someone else. Even worse I did the same to her...

Oh CGirl, She didn't screw me. I was wrong for keeping her around and not appreciating her. I only resent myself. Also I have no urge to speak to her now so I am glad I talked to her, now just the dull pain remains.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

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That is what one of my exs keeps doing. Sending me messages saying "I still love you"

"I remember the first time we met"

"We used to have good times"

I have not replied to any of them and finally got a message last night saying

"How did I know you were not going to answer" - Think he finally getting the hint ;)

Jc105, hang in there though, I know what you mean about having to have closure. That is important, and that is something I never had in the last long term relationship I had before my husband, and I think that is why it took me so long to get over him, even though I was actually the one that ended things, I just kept thinking to myself, what if I made this huge mistake. It took a long time to see that actually I didn't and it was a good decision in the long run. You will be OK, and so will she, and life will go on and there IS someone out there for you, as there is for everyone.

Yeah I am pretty confident in that. Knowing that she went straight to another guy makes me see her as way less independent then I thought she was. I really don't think I love or like her anymore. I just wasn't talking to the girl I fell in love with.

Still sad though when I think about when we were younger and how much fun we had. Lifes a trip.

Oh and to answer my own question...

'Will they come back... '

NO! - Assume not and move on. No purpose in even speaking with them. If they feel that badly about you, then accept that its over a leave them alone. You will both be happier if it is not dragged out.

The problem with getting back together with someone that hurt you is TRUST. Relationships are built on trust, and when someone truly hurts you it can be hard to move past that. I think a lot of getting back together has to do with the break up itself. If things end nasty, I wouldn't say there is a good chance of you working things out.

You can get them back... but there still has to some trust and respect, no cheating (I have a feeling she was cheating on you in the end - sorry for that - you need to see the truth in her - THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU THEY CHEATED), NO ABUSE, no pedestal worshiping.

Genrally though, there is some form of the above happening.

Cgirl, you're pretty darn smart.

"It is when we loose ourselves and start trying to be what everyone else wants us to be, when we truely finish last." Awesome - that happens SOOOOOOOOOOOO much.

No, I NEVER advocate being a jerk. It's a waste of time being a jerk - WHY would anyonetry to be this?

She may have, couldn't care. I prefer to remember the girl I met. I won't hate her, she's just gone.

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Originally Posted by jeffatl

The problem with getting abck together with someone that hurt you is TRUST. relationships are built on trust, and when someone truely hurts you it can be hard to move past that. I think alot of getting back together has to do with the break up itself. If things end nasty, I wouldnt say there is a good chance of you working things out.

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That is so true. It's easy to get "back together" with someone-but without the trust, as WildCat says-there is nothing really there.

I'm not sure if I trust her or not. She should definitely trust me, but it doesn't matter, the girl is dead to me now.

We had a great thing at one time, but life has happened and its over. Like I said before the girl I met a couple days ago isn't the girl I loved. She isn't coming back.

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Originally Posted by jc105

I'm not sure if I trust her or not. She should definitely trust me, but it doesn't matter, the girl is dead to me now.

We had a great thing at one time, but life has happened and its over. Like I said before the girl I met a couple days ago isn't the girl I loved. She isn't coming back.

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I understand what you are saying. Things are different for everybody, and it is hard to take advice from people who are not going through what you are going through. There is no easy way. Just time itself is all you have to get through this and you will.
I send you lots of hugs...

You need trust and respect... without these you have nothing.