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You will feel like this until you really truly realize you deserve better. Everyone will tell you "you deserve better, screw him," but it is not going to be better until you believe it yourself
One day you will wake up and see. My boyfriend of three years and I just broke up last week and it is awful. I took me a week of terrible morings and days to be a little bit more at peace. I still cry randomly, but the faster you realize these things YOURSELF. Then it will come together.
Hi Fiona84,
Try to do all the simple activities that can make you happy. Be a bit more selfish. Share fun time with your best friends and your familly, practice sport, enjoy the life as you did before him. After about 2 months, you can start to figure what went wrong in your previous relationship.
Be strong and happy ;)
Thanks to Talaniman for his comment. Quite undeserved, too! As for Fiona, let me just tell her I have been married with my one and only wife (still by my side) for 58 solid years. As you can imagine, we have gone through all kind of ups and dows, but we have managed to raise 4 children and help raising 7 grandchildren. Love IS a very difficult game to play with.
Particularly, when one tend to confuse -as so often happens now- love with sex. Sex does not last long. Only until your curiosity is fully satisfied... But love can last, through fair and stormy weather, as the song goes, for as long as you live! I know... And with this kind of love sex can be just a touch of her hands or a light kiss on your forehead! As little as that, as simple as that and as much as that...
Hey I just want to say thanks for all the advice I've gotten from everyone hear. If it wasn't for this site I don't know how I would have got through my horrible breakup. I just want to let everyone who is going through it I completely know how you feel. I never thought I was going to get over my ex boyfriend. I cried all the time even up to as little as a week ago. I was hurt angry upset I thought I was going to die and never get over him. My life was obsessing with ways how to get him back.
It was the weirdest thing but one day I woke up and was over him. I don't know how it happened really but I just didn't care if he had a new girlfriend or what he was doing or if he was ever going to call me again. In fact I hope he never does! I realized caring about someone who doesn't care about you is not worth the energy. He moved on so why should I be sitting around wasting my time crying over him. I started working out and got a really great job and I couldn't be happier. I really think a big part of me not letting go was because I wasn't happy with myself. I made him the reason for my happiness and that is just stupid. I got my confidence back and that made me see what a good person I really am, and Im worth more than settling for someone who treated me like that. As crazy as it sounds I'm thankful to him for hurting me like that, if I was still with him I never would have had the drive to turn my life around like I did.
Sorry for rambling on like an idiot, but basically no matter how much you think you can't live without that other person you can. If I did it I think everyone hear can too. Every time you feel yourself getting upset just think about your ex, they are prob not obsessing and crying over you so don't give them the satisfaction of doing it for them. Also I know everyone says it but NC is the best way to go I wish I would have did it since day one of my breakup. I think they know in the back of their minds they are not going back with you, but they use you to get over the breakup until they find someone new to replace you. Good luck to everyone and just remember you are worth more than what your exes are giving you.
Good for you Fiona :)
Good post too!!
Excellent advice, and well done.
Ramble on, you do a great job at doing it :). You are absolutely right and it is great to see that you are doing fine. It is funny how you sometimes forget what you are truly worth and realize that you are worth more than your so called "other half". Once you do it is easy to move on and every now and then when you have that moment of weakness, just like you said remember about your ex and how they don't care or remmber a particular moment when they would drive you crazy and you couldn't take that anymore.
Bottom line, Good stuff Fiona ;)
Great post, and glad the healing is making your life better.
My boyfriend of 4 months has just become legally divorced, as of last Friday. I didn't cause the divorce... and it was going on long before I came into the picture... he says I fell out of heaven and landed in the seat behind him... We met sitting to close together, in an old town bar...
He took me on our first real date after his divorce was final... Saturday night, and he seemed distant... went to a dinner and a movie... and still a bit distant... and we went back to his house... fell asleep on his couch with him, he got up and went to bed... didn't ask me to come, he said I looked comfortable there. I came to bed, he was reading... thought that was weird.. but maybe not. I couldn't sleep at 4 in the morning (his earlier behavior perplexed me) so I went back out on the couch. He fixed me breakfast, and we made love, and he made me cry during it because of what he said! I am so close to this man, yet feel he isn't there... with me... but then I do... he says I make him crazy... I have given him the chance - numerous times... to go get space, date around, says he doesn't want too... he told me he would be on my doorsteps... if I did that.
I want the fairy tale, he is the fairy tale... He can't give it to me at this time - I am very impatient at times... He just called me... he calls all the time. And he seems so awesome at times, is it me? Am I not handling myself well? Help...
Maybe he might be feeling down due to his divorce. You never know and he might need time to cope. Maybe you should him some space and not expect too much for him.
He just got divorced. He doesn't really want to jump into something new, but at the same time he wants to have somebody around so he isn't alone.
The man is newly divorced. It SHOULD have him rattled and off balance if marriage means anything to him.
Give the guy a break.
It could be very well that he thinks highly of you AND that he isn't ready to jump with both feet in.
I get you like him.
But if you cannot give him some room to get himself centered, there's no future here.
I agree with kp here. Be there for the guy but let him be... I'm sure he is a bit down and maybe even a little confused at the moment. It sounds like he genuinely likes you, so don't sweat it. He will appreciate you NOT pressuring and questioning him at this point in his life.
Red Flags- He is a stranger, and your investing too much, to fast, into someone you don't know, and by your own words, you have some very unrealistic expectations of this stranger..
The kicker, he is still freshly divorced and needs a lot of time and space, to heal and get healthy.
I sure wouldn't advise putting all your time, and attention into this, nor let him solve his fear of being alone, with you either.
You need to keep it casual, and not stop living your own life, without him in it.
Thank you for your responses... I will pay heed. I need to be cautious... maybe even back away. How do you do that graciously?
He said he'd be on my doorstep, if I did... any advice? Thanks again so much for the help... :)
Just don't be available, and be busy with OTHER things in your life.
If he shows up on your doorstep, that's not good, nor mature, and is a red flag as to hios character and behavior. I mean healthy, well adjusted guys, talk to people honestly, not act like they don't have good sense.
But why does he make me cry so easy?? We are doing wonderfully... he is taking me out... on dates.. coming to see me when I show homes... we are so close... his divorce was final 2 weeks ago... we are so close! It's wonderful... wine at night with popcorn, watching football games to old movies... he even invited me over to be with his friends... to be with his other buddies and their wives Saturday night.. that was huge. Sunday we spend the evening together.. he said he thinks about me non-stop... from morning till night... Then... this morning... out of the clear blue sky... after we spent the evening together last night... we had so much fun... this morning he said Julie, I don't know if I could ever live with you, or get married again... I started crying. Help. It's honestly all about timing. He isn't ready... I am. He probably can sense this tremendously. I maybe said the wrong things... he said to me driving to KC, Julie what are you thinking... I told him... I only want to be with him... that I've turned down 4 men to be with you... because I believe in you. Did I mess up? I do believe we will work this all out... he loves me, but hasn't said it yet. Someone please tell me to chill, and to stop crying!! lol
Help.
Just give it a little time. He just got divorced. I completely understand what you are going through. My boyfriend just recently passed. We were together for four years. When we got together he was legally separated for a year. The divorce wasn't final until February of '07. We shouldn't have jumped into a relationship, but we couldn't stay apart. There was so much baggage on his end with the divorce and all, but he never wanted to let me go. You can see that he cares for you by his actions. He may be just saying these things because he is scared of falling in love again. Just remember a divorce is not an easy thing. He is probably an emotional wreck. Be there for him, comfort him. He will come around. You do say he loves you. Remember that.
I am so sorry your boyfriend passed... that is horrible. God Bless you... thank you for your kind words. I feel so bad about today, but he just wrote (text) me a bit ago, and said he made it home... he made a day trip to KC, he wanted to take me but I am so busy with my business, he decided another time. So I guess I am still in his heart. Thank you again for your kind words... am sorry for your loss...
Relax, and give the guy time to get his own feelings straight, and celebrate his divorce being final.
Stop crying, as what's the hurry?? Now the real fun can begin.
Don't ruin it by getting ahead of yourself, or carried away by your feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GDArtist
I agree with the others give him time, he just got a divorce you are still getting to know him, don't cry but appreciate what you have now with him. You don't want to ruin that. Also do not let a man know what sacrificies you made for him, next time leave the part out about you turning down guys to be with him that was your decision. Relax, take it easy don't put too much pressure on him or yourself.
Thank you - you all are right... need to just have fun.. relax..
Not worry so much.. I worry about everything... again thank you!
Chill out girl :)
He is still with you. Just take it slow and when is ready.. I'm sure you will be the first to know.
Try not to plan everything out. And just take it day by day
Good luck
I haven't met my man's son yet. He wanted to give it some time, since his divorce was 3 weeks ago - doesn't want his son to think he was jumping into anything. Last night, I was suppose to cook supper for my Doug... hadn't heard from him since the morning, when we talked about supper. He called me at 5:30, I was at the door - returning a dog, from dog sitting... for a family, who's son had died from Lymph Cancer - to make a long story short, they were over to pick up their pooch. I couldn't talk to Doug, and so when I was done, I called and asked where to have supper... so on. He didn't answer. I tried several times. So I thought I'd go over to his house and fix it... or surprise him... he surprises me all the time, when I am bowling or to bring me coffee in the am...
I went to the door, and his son answered, I was shocked... said I would come back another time. It was terribly awkward. Doug's son was not suppose to be there, it was his mother's evening per Doug. I went over to a girlfriend's house who lives close by, and spent the evening with her family and a bunch of kids from the same school his son goes to! He texted me later stating his son was disturbed.. and asked me why I did that. I felt so bad, but my girlfriend said I handled the phone call really well, and defused the situation by inviting them both over for supper, at her house... she encouraged it since she knew them. He was not happy at all. Val said I handled it great. He hasn't called me at all. He is mad at me apparently. She said I don't own this problem, he should have communicated with me he was interviewing over drinks...
What do I do next? I haven't heard from him since last night... and I know he is mad.
I haven't called him.
Thank you...
You had no way of knowing what was going on, so don't blame yourself at all. The whole thing could have been avoided with some honest communications on his part, as a phone call, would have explained he was busy, and see you later.
So take his anger, with a grain of salt and see how unfair it is to you. Given its okay to "surprise" you whenever he feels like it, his being mad is unfounded and unfair.
Don't be so smitten that you put up with him being angry over his mistakes. Stand up for what's right, and fair, for yourself.
Could this be just a preview of his true character? Pay attention, and don't let love blind you!!
Thank you so much... for the advice... it was just weird... he could have text me, or said he had an appointment... he hasn't called me all morning.. but he is in a meeting this am... should I let
Him call me? He called last night, when I was at my girlfriends house... funny thing about this is my confidence got shaken. Feel a bit insecure about this... hate that.
God bless you for your response...
Carry on with your life, and balance yourself with things that you enjoy.
He will call if he has something to say that makes sense.
Why should you be insecure, and lose confidence, because of his lack of clear, honest, caring communications?
That's no good, so chin up.
Thank you so much...
I wrote him and said hope you are having a good day... he wrote me back and said I thought you were home last night, didn't know you were gone. He immediately responded Hey blonde, when I talked to you on my way hone I went home and laid on the couch and watched TV, I dozed off. I was home alone Zach went to his moms house before I got home. He didn't want to come over with a bunch of HS kids over at the house... It's all good.. he said he had the day from hell yesterday... I asked him if he missed me... he hasn't responded... again... I hate the texting...
STOP the texting!
For the first time in my life I was hidden yesterday, in a bathroom.
My boyfriend and I are getting very close... his divorce was final 3 weeks ago. I stayed the night at his house, which I never do, and we've been spending tons of time together... I love him. We are like glue. He hasn't said those "love" words yet, but his actions are there. He calls me a lot and wants to be with me.
Right now I am terribly confused, can't talk to him, so here I am again, wondering what to do.
He picked me up for dinner, it was wonderful... we went to his house and I spent the night. Things were great. In the morning, we were both getting ready for work, and all of a sudden he said someone was at the door, it was his son - no warning, his mother just dropped him off without a phone call, my boyfriends immediately told me to go back in the bathroom. I stayed there till the kid went downstairs, then made me run out to the car so he could take me home. My shoes and purse were visible... He hasn't introduced us yet, because he doesn't feel the kids ready yet. But he has told him about me. We have been dating 5 months and his divorce was final 3 weeks ago. My boyfriend says we are going to meet, but then it doesn't happen.
To top it off, and in a state of shock after being hidden, felt almost comical - he calls me around 10:00 am and ask me to make him chili for his work. They are having a cook-off today. I tell him sure. He keeps talking about this accountant woman who is going to be there as well, who he says he's not attracted to, because she is not good looking and heavy set. Talks about her a lot. I am making the chili, because all of his employees want to know how good he cooks.. he knows I am a good cook. 8 other people are cooking as well including this accountant.. he will get all the credit for the chili I make which is weird, but I don't care. I had plans with Val, my girlfriend, and her family that evening... her son is teaching my son to play the guitar. My boyfriend has a cigar and wine tasting event to go to... Val asks me to bring over all of the ingredients and cook it at her house, My original plans were to cook it after I spent time with Val... around 8 at my house.
He calls me mid-afternoon and I told him at this time it bothers me he's always talking about this accountant woman.. I ask, is there something I need to know about? He said no, and gets mad, I could tell, and said this conversation was over... yet he is so jealous, I can't look at a man... he then states he will pick up all the ingredients I bought, and cook it himself... tell him no, I will cook it, Val wants me to bring it over, so they can have some.
I am at Val's house, and she thinks it's ridiculous he won't tell the boy, that it's time. That I had every right to ask about this accountant... Val's daughter was upset, she goes to school with his son, and doesn't say anything, she knows how delicate the situation is.
I cook his chili over at Val's house - his company food, and he calls me, and I said I am just bothered by today, just don't want to be hidden again, and he said it won't happen again. Val heard the whole thing, he then said he wanted to come over to my house and cook this when I got home, together, for his work. He sends me mixed signals. Thought he wanted to pick the food up... I try to tell him my feelings on the accountant, and he said if I saw her, I would understand... so we drop this... and I tell him today just didn't feel right... I try to ask him how he's not going to hide me anymore from his son, and he said I won't come over anymore, again until he tells Zach, and he doesn't know when that will be, and he says this several times, and then he tries to take it back, it was tooo late, I was devastated and hung up. He never gives me a time frame.. and makes it sound it's going to be a while. So I can't go to his house...
Val said the expression on my face was priceless when I hung up, he should have seen it... I was so hurt... He text me twice, after I text him stating I was putting the chili on the front porch. He wanted to come over. Val and I took a bunch of kids to a spooky bridge, he came over and put some prints of paintings on my kitchen table, stating he wanted to thank me, and give me money for the chili. No I'm sorry, we will work this out... or anything.
I can't talk to him, and I love him... His actions confuse me, is he embarrassed of me, am I not worthy to meet his son? I have been very understanding, loving and caring, never get mad. I don't know what to do now. But I can't talk to him. I want to but my mind says no.
How was the chili? Lol Not trying to be flippant, just sounds funny being locked in the bathroom and making him chili for the cook-off day at work.
If he was going through a divorce he may have had a few reasons for not wanting his ex to know about you until after settlement. His son is probably going through a lot at the moment too and being so young, your boyfriend is probably not wanting to put him through any more emotional upheaval than is necessary. So maybe you could be a little more patient?
Chili is great. His divorce is over... the settlement is too. He isn't wanting him to know, thinking his dad just got out of a relationship and into another. I have been VERY patient, my point is this was a very awkward situation for me, and as much as we are together, it could have been a lot worse.
Your mighty pushy for ONLY 5 MONTHS. His relationship with his son is his and you need to back away from that, but having said that, hiding in a bathroom because of a surprise visit is... UNACCEPTABLE, but that's just my opinion.
Another thing is let go of this jealousy over his co-worker, that is also UNACCEPTABLE, dumb, and distracting, to make that an issue. I think either you need a lot more patients, learn some communications skills and work together to solve these issues you have without an attitude. Yes you do have one, and I suspect its you pushing for more to fast, rather than letting things progress naturally.
Your skipping some important steps in this, and may not see things you need to know. The most obvious is the relationships, and obligations, he already has, at home and work,Quote:
Is he embarrassed of me, am I not worthy to meet his son?
you need to stay out of those, and your hissy fits at the wrong time,Quote:
He says he's not attracted to, because she is not good looking and heavy set.
Too much drama for 5 months, which is the get to know period, and having fun doing it. Given the ink is still drying on his divorce, you should be a lot more patient so he can make adjustments to his life, which may take longer than you think.Quote:
After I text him stating I was putting the chili on the front porch.
If I were him you wouldn't be meeting my kids for a year, but I wouldn't hide you in a bathroom either.
Pay attention, and learn, before you get carried away, and make too much of an investment, on something so very new.
Temper your emotions, with some rational thought, and don't let impulse guide your actions.
Thank you...for giving me this perspective - it was hard to hear...but I already knew it. He is very possessive of me...and I never get this way...jealous. We are so very close. He always says we gel.
I wrote him this this morning...
YOU are so awesome to me - the way you are - old fashioned, caring, loving, intelligent, leadership qualities, and so handsome to me, even old you are so handsome... lol We gel.. You are a good man to me XXXX XXX.. the qualities I look for in a man to be with, a soul mate. It took 48 years to figure this out. There are things I've done with you, that I've never done in my life with another man, believe it or not... laughing is one of them! I love to laugh.
BUT I am not a kicking post. Handling situations by punishing me (like saying I can't come over to your house anymore) simply is not going to work for me. I have feelings too. I couldn't talk to you the rest of the night, I wanted to, but I couldn't. It's so hard... I just couldn't. That was so very hard to hear these words from you.
I know Simon is your #1 priority, I expect to come 2nd to Simon and only want the best for him, my kids are my #1 priority too. You are so good with my kids and I want the same relationship with Simon. Understandably, it will take Simon a while to adjust to the idea of you seeing someone.
We don't need drama in our relationship and I'm not into this. It's just wrong. I've never put chili on anyone's front porch! Lol I couldn't see you... but I miss you. I want us to be so so happy. I am trying so hard to be patient. I understand your position I think. I am sorry about being jealous yesterday, it's so not me - it's probably what happened with Zach - that set the stage. It just makes me wonder, why you don't want me to meet him, but I trust you.
I hope the chili is good -
Your girl...
Dear Clown face, (or whatever you call him.)
We are obviously on different pages, so we both should back off, and go a lot slower, so we can learn to communicate, and work better together, to define our boundaries which at this time is unequal, and unfair.
I have issues that make me impulsive, and jealous sometimes, and honestly your actions magnify those feelings, but I'm trying to handle them, so for now, since I can't visit you, then you should not visit me. I think it best as we need time to make things more equal, and enjoy getting comfortable with each others ways, and habits. If you agree we can talk, but if not, I understand, And wish you a good life.
Your girl, if you want,
P.S.
Hope you enjoyed the chili!!
So apparently I handled the letter all wrong, but it was basically what you said... but different. Softer.
You know how to write, but you seem a bit harsh, yet very realistic. What is your story?
Tals story is one no one really knows. It's a legend that pre-dates us all. I have once heard a rumor that you can go to the ancient caverns of Rome and his story is told on the walls of the room.
*Sorry Tal, way to easy*
Why is his communication with this ex wife such that he wasn't expecting his son to come over? Or did he just forget about that? You should not have to hide in the bathroom. And saying he's not interested in his coworker because she is fat is not particularly endearing either. And hurting you by telling you you can't come over any more. What's that about?
I see redflags. Good to take a break.
Not trying to be harsh, just realistic and to the point, so there can be understanding and not false signals. That probably comes from being married more than 30 years, being close to my kids, and grandkids, and the dog, and working in the field of helping people in crisis, from addictions to being jobless, and homeless, but I made my living basically being Joe the plumber, but with a license, and a degree.Quote:
but you seem a bit harsh, yet very realistic.
You'll have to read the cave walls, to get the details.Quote:
What is your story?
Thanks Rome :)
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