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Originally Posted by losingit77

haha..bigbird, i know. The first 11 days of NC or so were easy. The past 2 days have been a little tougher but I'm no where near a sobbing mess or anything. Just starting to miss him a little more. I figure if I can get through the first 2 weeks, I can get through the next 2 weeks.

Yeah, 2 nights in a row with dreams of me and my ex together like we used to be. Just miss seeing his face. But whatever, I'll just look in the mirror. My face is better!! haha

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Amen

Hi all,

Things are still dragging a bit but I'm hanging in there. I've been missing her a bit more lately, though it hasn't been devastating, I'm just a little down.

Last night was a rough night because I had a dream that she was seeing someone else. Well, this dream woke me up and it was all I could think about, so all my dreams thereafter were about the same thing. I finally got sick of it and got out of bed, so here I am. Still trying to get those thoughts out of my head -- I know it was just a dream and meant nothing but still.

It's been tough not to check her messenger status but I'm not letting myself. I don't want to know. I did have to write her an email as she bought me something for my birthday which was linked to a credit card and I switched it over to my account, but the payment for this month was charged to her. I'm trying to contact her so I can pay her back - was that a bad mood? I can't just expect her to pay the $50 for me.

On a lighter note I'll be home tomorrow for the summer. I'm looking forward to that because the lack of things to do at school and the constant sitting in my room is really starting to wear me down -- it's a bunch more time for me to sit and think about her.

I'm going to try to listen to some music now because these images of her with someone else are going to break me...

I know how you feel. Its starting to get harder now but it'll pass... hopefully.

Yeah, I get fleeting moments of wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with, but whatever. Nothing they do now has anything to do with us or is any reflection on us. Seriously, it isn't! They'll never find anyone better than us.. so whatever. Their loss!

As for the $50, if you've already contacted her, oh well. Just don't aggressively try to get it resolved. She can suck up the extra $50 if she has to. $50 is the least she could do for you.

NC is awesome. Its really helping. Day 15, yay! Anytime I think of calling him I just remember he's not part of my life anymore. Oh well, I have many other people in my life I can turn to. And the last thing I want him to think is that I'm sitting here thinking about him (even if I am)...

It's those hard moments that you need to find something productive to do. Watch a show, a movie, listen to music, read a book, or just come here and vent... someone'll be here.

As far as paying her... I agree with losingit. If you've contacted her, and she wants nothing to do with it, then forget it. She'll contact you if she wants it.

Yeah, I sent the email. If she responds then great. If not, I won't track her down for it. I just know that money was tight for her last I knew and I'd hate for her to be sitting there saying "That cheap b@stard, stealing my money." :)

losingit I agree about the NC. It definitely helps a lot. I no longer expect to get phone calls and I don't check my phone anymore - I just miss her sometimes still. I'm not in denial or holding onto hope, I'm just a little bummed.

Sneezy I do find things to keep me busy. I have been listening to music and writing a post on the main page. I find writing that kind of stuff out is helpful to straighten out my own thoughts. I feel much better after posting it. Sometimes though, I read some posts which make me question if I could have done things better in my relationship... anyone else ever have that happen?

--EDIT--

Just got an email back. She's basically saying don't worry about the money and enjoy the gift. If it really bothers me I can pay her when I'm home for the summer.
I'm not counting that breaking NC. Sorry if I'm cheating :)

Hello all,

I hope everyone is doing well..

I'm feeling pretty good today, getting some constructive work done around the house. Unpacking from school, doing a little yard work, etc, etc...

After reading a few of other threads on here, my mind has started to bug me. I see these other people who have recently broken up and they have dates scheduled and are seeing people pretty much right away. It starts to worry me because I feel like I haven't done that yet and I don't really see myself doing that. Its not that I don't want to, I just never really have before and I'm afraid that it isn't going to happen...

I guess it might be partly because all my friends are in school for another week or so and I don't have much to do at this point. Maybe once more people are home I'll find more things to do and more opportunities to meet people...

I really want to be more outgoing and meet more people - just broaden my horizons, you know?

Am I just making a bigger deal out of something that isn't?

While emulating others is a great way to learn, it may not be the way you learn. I think you have made a direction of change, you want to go in, and take some thought into how to go about it. Of course, I have a good suggestion, how kind of you to ask. When out and about, make an effort to look people in the eye, and say hello, how are you, nice day. After a week, you will be engaging everybody. It will absolutely freak you out, with how people are drawn to confident happy people.

Well I broke down and did it.

I forced myself to stay off Facebook in general for the last 2 and a half weeks and this morning I went on. I saw the picture of my ex up there and the last things which she had written to me, about a month ago. Thing is -- it didn't bother me! It was more of an "yeah...oh well" reaction then I just signed off. I guess that's +1 for me getting better :)

And Tal, yesterday I ran a few errands and I realized that I generally do try to talk to a lot of people if possible if I have to interact with them. What I don't do is talk to people I'm not really interacting with. For example the people in line in front of me, the person I hold the door open for, etc... Those are my next targets :)

An update - might be a little long, bear with me...

Last night I went out to a party. Not anyone from my usual group, but I figured it would be a good place to meet people. So I go there and fast forward to the end of the night I ended up kissing a 'friend' (one of my best friend's sister) when she gave me a hug at the end of the night. Not really sure why I did it. Either way, it was awkward and we both knew it.

She sent me a message later that night saying "What was that kiss supposed to mean". I pretty much let it go until this morning, I sent her a text saying I was sorry for last night. She pretty much laughed it off and agreed it was awkward. I guess that situation is solved? Still feel weird about it, but its done and over with now.

That whole incident kind of put me in a bad mood though. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself because I sometimes feel like I won't ever get involved with anyone again - almost like I'm forcing it.

That got me thinking about my ex and if she has moved on, if she's seeing anyone, how quickly they're moving along (and my mind loves to draw up graphic scenes which don't help). I guess I was scared that she would move on and I'd be left behind, so I sort of forced myself to do something.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want anything to do with this girl, she's my best friend's sister - she's just kind of cool (sometimes).

Its just funny how I thought something like that would be a great confidence boost for me and it turned out to do pretty much the opposite. Sucks missing my ex, hopefully the feeling won't stick around long.

I know who you feel. Every date I go on I think, agh, is this it? This doensn't feel the same as with my ex.

But I just remind myself that it's not a race. One day we'll meet someone we feel that way about again. Its just going to take time. And remember, relationships don't start in an instant. It takes time and getting to know someone.

Amazing how small incidents we should just pass over, have us thinking way to deeply, and can be mood changers or let downs. It will pass, don't worry. I think it's a good gage where your at in your healing though. Even happy healthy people have bad days. Its just the outlook and attitude that is different.

Thanks tal and losingit.

I think it is a good sign since I was able to pick myself up after being bummed for an hour or so. Not a week like it could have been :)

Either way, my buds are home this weekend and there's a BBQ going on in about an hour. That should keep my occupied for the rest of the day.

Here's to summer!

I am feeling a lot of the same ways you are. I get the left behind feeling, have had the same type of dreams you are having. I want to call her and just see what she is doing, but she could probbalby care less about what I am doing.

Just a quick update as its really late.

Spent all day at my buddy's house for the BBQ. It was a good time. As the day wore on, the party kind of dwindled and two of my friends and I went to this girls house to watch a movie and hang out. Was out much later then I have been in a while. Nothing happened with the girls but its just nice to get out and meet new people. Seems like the more you do it, the easier it gets. This summer is looking up for me - can't wait to keep meeting new people.

Good night!

Started my job today :)

I have been thinking of her less and less and the times I spend thinking about her are more of reflections on what happened and not so much missing her or being sad. I'm starting to really feel like I'm moving forward. Today will be the third day in a row that I'm going out and doing things with friends that I wasn't so close to before. Hopefully I'll be a little closer with them as they are usually going out and meeting people - a crowd I would like to be involved with.

And Tal, the last few days have been great for meeting people. Today at the orientation for my job I felt great. I walked in and started conversations and it is amazing how much of a weight that can lift off your shoulders. I was nervous walking in, then once I sat down and introduced myself to a few people, people started talking to me. It's great. Makes me wonder why I ever had a fear of being snubbed by someone for saying hi. Now I might still be a little nervous meeting women, but progress is progress -- it'll only get better.

Hey all,

Just an update to my situation so I can keep my thoughts together. Its been over a week since I've posted anything on here. There really isn't much to say. I'm still making progress day by day, sometimes it slower than others. I don't think I spent one night home last week, constantly going out playing some sort of sport or going to dinner with my friends.

I still think I have a problem with putting too much pressure on myself to meet more women. I have met a few that I didn't know before, but I haven't really talked to any of them since we met. As long as I'm meeting new people and have stuff to do I don't mind...

I think the reason I put pressure on myself is I want to see that I can catch the attention of another female, just to see if I 'still have it' so to say (funny because I started dating my g/f when I was 16, so I never really 'had' anything :))

I guess we'll see where the summer takes me..

Hope everyone is doing well.

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I don't think I spent one night home last week, constantly going out playings some sort of sport of going to dinner with my friends.

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I did the same thing many decades ago, and it works.

I have the same thoughts now and again BB. I've just told myself to not put pressure on myself to find someone else. Seems the majority of my mates are in relationships but that's how the cycle is working at the moment. I'm quite happy on my own, getting my stuff together mentally and physically. Go to a jive class on a Tuesday, which is great fun, but not too many younger girls there. Then I tell myself to not let my mood be dictated by the possibility of meeting someone, just smile have a good time and good things will happen in time.

Don't fret about meeting someone else. I guess most of the girls I see/meet don't really do anything for me at the moment. Sure in time ill get my interest levels back up.

It's a long road, but staying busy is the key, keep doing it.

Hey guys,

I think I know the answer I'm going to get to this, but I'll ask it anyway.

If you remember, a month or so ago there was an email about a bill that got billed to my ex's CC and I asked her what I should do about paying for it. She told me that its not really a big deal, but I could pay her when I got paid for work during the summer if I wanted to. She said "You can let me know and we can meet somewhere, or you can mail it to me."

Well, meeting up is out of the question. I don't want to feel like a jerk for making her foot the bill though. I don't mind mailing her a check, but I'm worried it might be the impetus she needs to start communication -- and I Don't want that. I have no idea how she is feeling: sad, happy, angry, lonely... who knows? But in any case, I don't want to give her a reason, or excuse, to contact me ("Hey I got your check, just letting you know.").

Any suggestions?

I'd say that sending a cheque would be OK. She has no reason to start contact from that, and even if she says ' I got the cheque thanks' that's it. No need for you start replying etc, especially if you don't want too.

Treat as just a cheque, and then continue NC and doing great, which it seems you are.

Thanks for the info guys.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so I can't think about her too much. Just sort of hanging in there I suppose. I don't know how long its been since I talked to her, but the beginning of this week I will be sending her the check.

Wednesday would have been 4 years for us, I don't see that being a problem for me, but I hope that it doesn't upset me. Still going out with my friends and trying to meet some new women, though I have a feeling once I do I won't really feel ready to do much.

Well after last night's debacle, I figured I should note it on here. I'm not going to go through what happened, read the NC calendar if your interested, because I don't want to relive it really.

I'm still sort of down. I'm actually really worried because the first time we broke up (last year) I was fine for a little while until I found out that another guy was involved. After that happened, I was destroyed for months. I don't know what it is, but my psyche can't handle that apparently. I just don't want that to happen this time (even though I don't really know anything).

I'm at work now, but my head is swimming. I can't focus and I'm really angry with myself for having done what I did. I was at the point where I would think of her two or three times a day for a few minutes, and I feel like today I am going to think about her all day long - and not good, nostalgic thinking.

I'm sure someone has been through something similar - does it take as long to get the thoughts of her to subside back to a low level as the first time, or is it a little quicker this time? Should I be thinking of her less by tomorrow? This afternoon?

Please don't mind my constant postings, but I need to write things down to remind myself:

Note to self: TODAY IS NO DIFFERENT THEN YESTERDAY.

That's the way it happens sometimes. You just cruise through with the flow and out of nowhere we run into a rough patch, and its so rough we forget what we did through the calm times. Don't panic, you know the drill by now and what you did before to change your thinking will work for you now. You just have to get busy, and change your focus.
Given past events I expected a rough patch, but know your up for the challenge and will make the right adjustments, for yourself. I think you have just learned, it doesn't take much to throw off a good day.
Don't I have a way of making things sound easy? I know its not.

Thanks Tal,

I'm surprising myself sometimes, but I am self-aware enough to notice that I'm up now and five minutes later I'll be down again. Nothing new, just the usual ups and downs. I assume it will fade a little faster this time as I have done it before. Knowing it will fade does offer a little comfort, I just need a nap after such a bad night's sleep haha.

That phrase "I am my own worst enemy" really rings true sometimes. Imagining things that didn't happen, guessing what's going on in her mind, making assumptions -- if only that BigBird guy from last week was here right now - he'd kick my @$$

Don't worry Bigbird, we all go through this at least one time. You could spend all your life wondering what she is thinking. That's what I told myself when all that stuff happened with my ex happened, I mean I could have easily wondered what is she thinking, does she want me back, is there hope for us. But I took a deep breathe and just said "keep doing your thing, you can only control yourself not others so why even be bother by it"

Yep,
To hell with 'em. I was a little upset about "what she was doing to me" last night. I though, "how could she do this" and "im so angry" until I realized one thing...

She didn't do a damn thing -- I did. Then I got angry with myself. Then I let it go.

As I said, sometimes your up sometimes down. Its best to not have any contact at all, even clicking on a Facebook profile.

When I met up with my at the end of feb, it set me back to square one.

I quickly learnt from my error, and have had no contact since.

It really is the only way to go.

Its not easy to not think about them, and they will enter your head. Don't be to hard on yourself, you can only be in today, not tomorrow. Then tomorrow you'll be in today and another day of NC chalked up on that calendar.

You'll get better, but it does take a while. No quick fix I'm afraid, no innoculation that can stave of a case of missing the ex.

Only digging deep day by day and venting on AMHD!

Guys I had a hard time last night, I could go to sleep and I was just missing her and worried abot her last night, now it's wors. The pain is 10 times greater but now its linguring. I don't think I can handle it.

The funny thing is that I feel bad that I got upset last night. My mom saw me, and now I think she's a bit upset at my ex. I don't really want feelings like that about her going about, even though it won't ever come up. In time all of this will fade...

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

guys i had a hard time last night, i could go to sleep and i was just missing her and worried abot her last night, now it's wors. The pain is 10 times greater but now its linguring. i dont think i can handle it.

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AJ,

You are doing fine. As long as you don't make contact, you were successful. The pain generally gets a little worse before it gets better, but just wait until you start to feel better. What a great feeling it is.

Use my for an example, this thread chronicles the last month and a half for me, and you can see the progress I have made. Its all due to NC. If what happened to me last night happened a month ago, I can almost guarantee I would have called her, balled my eyes out, and wound up with lower self esteem, angrier with myself, and feeling lower than low. But I didn't, I learned and I grew, and still am.

You will get there, hang tough...

So I just had a few minutes to reflect on my breakup and I started having some thoughts...

I know towards the end of the relationship we weren't as "cuddly" and all as we used to be. Should would complain sometimes, but I don't think it was a huge issue with her. The thing she would complain about is that it "wasn't the way it used to be". She missed the fact that I would write her notes and leave them on her car, or that I would buy her flowers for no reason... just because.

She got upset because I didn't do those things so much anymore, and I guess she was right. The worst part is, now I feel like it was my fault because I stopped doing those things.

During the relationship, I justified it by saying that no relationship stays the same, especially after such a long time, but I guess I should have tried harder. I know many people who are in relationships that never did those sorts of things...

Is it possible that I spoiled her in the beginning and set myself up for what happened? Or is it more likely that she just had unrealistic expectations of how the relationship would play out and was looking for a "hollywood" relationship? Those are my two major thoughts on the issue.

Note: I'm not really doing this because I'm dwelling on her, but I want to realize what was wrong and if it was my fault or not. Has anyone been in a similar situation (I'm sure someone has)

My sweet sweet friend, I was reading some of your questions and posts today and have a very clear picture on the type of girl you were dating and she didn't seem like a good girl for you,

She seemed very controlling and possessive and immature.. for her to expect you to continually give her flowers and notes all the time is VERY unrealistic! No, I don't think you did anything wrong, and I know that you're reflecting on your relationship trying to see how you can improve, but come on BigBird it's very unrealistic of her to expect that all the time after being together for so long, relationships go through natural changes through time. You seem like you were a very good boyfriend, and from the looks of it she didn't deserve you.. You need to find someone who can appreciate you for you..

Thanks for the input...

I never really thought of her as controlling until the end of the relationship. I guess as a first real relationship you can kind of get brainwashed into thinking your wrong...

Well,

I just got in from being out for a while. I was have a little bit of a rough time, and when I come home I have an email from her in my inbox. For some reason, I sort of had a feeling that was coming, but was hoping I was wrong.

When I saw it in my inbox, my heart sort of dropped a little bit. I didn't read it yet, I'm a little bit nervous to. I am sure I am going to no matter what, but I figured I should just come on here and take a few to relax before I read it.

I never actually had contact with her, she has no idea about my "episode" the other day or anything. I have a feeling that she may have heard about my being named best man in my friends wedding and might be congratulating me - I'm not sure. Its either that, or she got the check from me today and is writing about it.

I guess I'll update once I read it, I'm just a little nervous...

EDIT: Just read it. It was very short. She was telling me she got the check that I mailed her yesterday and saying thank you. She also added that she saw that I deleted her from Facebook. I wish I didn't do it now, I should have just left her in there and stayed off it. I don't want to make it look like I was being a jerk, it sort of was a mean thing to do. I don't know how to explain it and I know you guys will tell me not to. I really feel like writing back, just saying "I am well, thanks for asking. I hope you are well too." and possibly something along the lines of "Don't take facebook personally, I just didn't want constant updates about your life" or something along those lines (not being mean, being honest). I'm not going to mention the picture I saw, as I'm starting to think that I overreacted (she might suspect that's why anyway). It just troubles me that she said "I saw that you deleted me as a friend on facebook, I don't know why, but whatever you have to do." It almost sounded like she was upset about it.

Agh, bigbird. That's a tough one. I hear you about you "knew it was coming". Anytime my ex has contacted me I felt like I knew for a couple of days it was coming and then it comes and you're like, "agh, i knew i was right".

I hear what you're saying about responding because you don't want to seem like a jerk. But remember, she left you. She broke your trust and heart not just once but twice. Deleting her from myspace, keeping NC, is not you being a jerk. Its you looking out for No. 1, yourself!

I know its hard, but I think you're best bet is to not respond. Maybe in a couple of months you can start some light friendly contact once you're COMPLETELY over it. But you responding, especially with what you want to say, still shows her that she has the ability to have an impact on you. It shows that she still has this power over you.

Ignore it. You're not being a jerk by doing it. Come on, its not like she wrote you an e-mail apologizing for how she broke up with you! She doesn't deserve your apology or your sweetness. If she's upset about it, she has no one to blame but herself. And if she wants to reach out to you in a friendly manner, it should take a lot more than some short little e-mail to make that happen.

BigBird,

In my opinion, I don't think you owe her a reason why you deleted it. If you decide to write back, I suggest you keep the email short and sweet like you were thinking "I am well, thanks for asking. I hope you are well too." that doesn't give her what she's hoping for. She proly wants to hear that you're doing horribly because that will in turn ease her pain a little to know that you're hurting just like her and you don't owe her anything. She is out of your life now, I suggest you don't put too much into this, it might make you back slide in your healing. If you want her out of your life I suggest you don't give her too much information.

Thanks for the response losingit,

You think even en email excluding the apology, basically just an acknowledgement of her email would be a bad thing? Just trying to sort it out... thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate it.

You too plonak, thanks for the input.

I guess your right, I don't really owe her a response, but for some reason I feel bad about doing it. Like she already thinks I did it because I wasn't able to handle seeing it. Then again, this is making the assumption that she knows I just deleted it, for all I know she hasn't checked it in a month and just realized... So aside from Facebook, maybe I should just acknowledge that she is still alive... I really don't think it would set me back as I am not expecting a reply from this or anything else, I would just feel terrible for doing something which I know would upset her (I guess that's stupid, maybe I care too much)

Ok, if you HAVE to send an e-mail, I agree with what plonak says. Just do that one line and nothing else. Don't mention the Facebook at all.

However, I still think it might be a bad idea. Because:

(1) If you send it, what are you expecting to happen? BE HONEST! I know, you're going to say, no I don't care if she doesn't respond. But really, be truthful. What if you send it, and you don't hear anything back? Its going to drive you insane for a bit! Right?

(2) You send it, you trade stupid little short emails for a while, and then you're sucked back into it. She's sending you e-mail as a "friend" while doing whatever else she wants to do, while you're analyzing ever single thing she says in each e-mail, analyzing how long it takes her to respond, wondering what even the punctuation means in each e-mail.

So, ask yourself, are you strong enough yet to not get sucked back into it all over again? Its only been a couple of months. Its OK to say "No, I'm not strong enough...YET".

BTW, when I'm myself in these situations I wish I was as able to think so rationally about my own actions. Just goes to show how the heart and head can work in complete opposite.