Ask Me Help Desk - Jolienore Sticky comments.

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Love yourself.

So I do all this typing for nothing?

Seriously, your right!

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

How to get him/her back..

Ha, if you are reading this it means you are hoping you can win a loved one back. You are desperately seeking solutions in which you already know the answers to. You want to show them how big of a mistake they made. How foolish they were. How you were the best thing that ever happened to them.

You want them back, you can’t eat, sleep, think… concentrate your lonely frustrated desperate.. Checking your phone every 5 minutes, logging on to myspace/face book reading old text messages over and over again. Saying how could he/she?

Looking at pictures, and remembering the great sex and emotional connections that you shared. The arguments, the I love you the constant assurance of “you are the one”.

There were signs but you ignored them, perhaps they stopped saying I love you, they stopped calling, stop doing all the things they used to do in the beginning. You brushed it off making excuses blaming yourself for loving them to much. You basically become blind to the reality that this relationship is nearing an end. How can you expect a relationship to stay exactly the same as it was in the beginning when you grow day by day? Some people grow apart as they grow older some grow together in any situation growing means changing. As long as we grow we will always be out of our comfort zone. Nothing will ever be just right there will always be challenges, obstacles, and not so perfect conditions. Life is change, growth is optional make a choice and choose wisely. Change is inevitable and growth is intentional. All movement is not forward but sometimes you have to take a step back to see a clearer picture, this step is coming to acceptance that this relationship was not meant to be.

You have to be true to yourself and realize that if you can’t put your heart in it take yourself out of it. Sometimes letting go allows you to see if it was worth holding on to. Confidence doesn’t come from having all the answers it comes from being open to all the questions..

The truth is everyone should compel themselves to loneliness occasionally, because most of your greatest achievements and thoughts come from loneliness. When you have a clear mind, and can evaluate your true self without the disruption of life minor fallbacks. Stop regretting the past and fearing the future..

Live and instead of trying to figure out how to get him/her back focus on getting yourself back. Be thankful for finding love, embrace who you are. If we can put as much as we do into our relationships as much as we put into ourselves than we will realize that no one can ever love us as much as we love ourselves.. Therefore we are responsible for our own happiness.

So to answer the question how do I get them back? Look in the mirror the change and the beginning and end starts with yourself. It starts with acceptance, confidence, change, growth…It starts with realizing there is no such thing as perfect circumstances only accepting to see imperfections as a perfect part of living. Living is learning, learning is growing, growing means change, change is the beginning and the beginning reflects the ending…

Say to yourself, I love me, I am the mason of my dreams, I am going to love myself enough to know that ignoring someone else issues is me settling. I will not settle. I will improve myself first. I will understand how difficult it is to change myself, I will realize how difficult it is to change others. I realize that there is no such thing as perfect conditions. I will take each day at a time, and not fear my future. I will not regret my past, for it has made me who I am today . I will love myself first! And most importantly I will continue to be the best me I can be. Remember that we all human it takes a step back to see the clearer picture. I will not continue to make the same mistakes. I will learn from my mistake. I will accept loneliness as a blueprint to my success ahead and build my future based on my past. I will not look back but look ahead to brighter days. Now that I am on my path I will thank all those who have made me who I am today.

Thank you so much. I'm trying to completely let go of someone who has been pulling me along on a string, wants to date other women, but doesn't want to give me up.
I guess the hardest part is thinking that me leaving him probably won't affect him that much. How could it if he was willing to knowingly jeopardize the relationship?
I know that shouldn't be my focus right now, but it is the focus of my ego.
Should I email him and tell him never contact me again, or just not answer his emails and phone calls?

Don't Awnser His Calls Or Emails He's A Using B**t**d AND DON'T EMAIL HIM OR CALL HIM AT ALL

Do you think he'll even care even I never speak to him again? Right now he's away at a dance festival that he had originally asked me to, but then lied and said there were no more tix.
When he found out I knew he lied, he got all flustured and said he wants to go away with me sometime, and see me the next day, etc. then after major questioning, he admitted he wants to date other women, but is not looking for another lover. He's there right now without me, I'm sure not even thinking about me.
He always says he would be "sad" if we weren't friends anymore and has never wanted to cut things off completely with me. Why not if he doesn't love me?
I'm sure he thinks I'll be here waiting for him when he gets back, just like usual.
Do you think he'll care and be upset if I'm not there for him at all?

It's also hard to admit that someone who I've made my life and been there for thick and thin has no feelings for me.
How can that be?
Am I that delusional?
What was all that?

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dancerwriter, it's also hard to admit that someone who I've made my life and been there for thick and thin has no feelings for me.

His feelings aren't enough to sustain a relationship with you.

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how can that be?

people grow and change, we all do.
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am i that delusional?
what was all that?

No just caught up in the middle of those growing pains, that we all go thru. Painful? Yes!! The end of the world? No far from it. You just have to learn to cope with your feelings and deal with life on it's own terms.

To tell you the truth, these posts are helping me a lot tonight. I've been wanting to leave him for so long because of his not wanting to commit, but haven't felt strong enuf to. For some reason, I feel responsible when I start sleeping with someone and find it hard to leave, and I had a major crush on him from the start.
I guess I just don't want to go through the initial loneliness and giving up. esp. when I think he doesn't care at all and doesn't feel the same way. It's humiliating.

It's hard and it sucks.. It's only been a month in my break up and I've slept with three girls,gone on several dates,been staying with friends the whole month so I don't think about things- but I still do.. I don't like being alone, I want to be with her, but I can't.
When "they" don't want us anymore we shouldn't sniff around and hope and plead, we stop talking to them but we hope that they do.. and it doesn't make sense how they could change, but they did.. and there are two things you can do. You either drain your brain with trying to find the logic behind his/her decisions. Or you say "right..something went wrong, what did I do wrong in this, what can I learn from it" - and you move on.
It shouldn't matter whether he cares or not.. its in the back of my head as well thinking "it would be great if a month later she calls me up in tears and says shes sorry and she regrets everything e.t.c".. but the raw reality of things shows that this happens to 2% of us..

--to add to this, though I love her and want to be with her I wouldn't allow myself to take her back. She's been a b*tch to me and incredibly immature during our break up.. and to be honest she doesn't deserve a second chance after the way I've been treated.

Don't bother trying to get him\her back they are not f**king worth it
They are just wasting the time we could be spending with are mr\mrs right

Forget them and move on

What if the person you broke up with IS Mr/Mrs right. Is it really better to just move on? A little hope is never a bad thing

Well, day 7 in my no contact with him. He's called once and left an email, both which I didn't respond to. Last night was hard because we take this swing dance class together, which I love, and I didn't go. I love dancing with him. We have fun. It's romantic.
I miss him. But I know that going back, it'll be the same pain, different day.
The saying, "if you love someone set them free, they'll come back if it's meant to be" , something like that.

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Originally Posted by Destro3000

What if the person you broke up with IS Mr/Mrs right. Is it really better to just move on? a little hope is never a bad thing

What if they aren't, and your spinning your wheels wasting time, when you could be out there for the real Mr/Miss Right. The point is you never know what tomorrow brings, but you do know that you want to be happy, and healthy, so at least when that person shows up, they will be attracted to your positive, and not see a sad pathetic person, who is waiting for permission to be in someone's life, who has dumped them already. :eek:

I've been told you have if woman 3 great men in your life and if you're a man then 3 great women
Weather this is true or not I don't know but its nice to think it is true

If he was sooo bothered about you dancerwriter then he wouldn't of asked you to go to a concert then lie and tell you their was no tickets left
I think he just wants you to be his fall back when he can't get it no were else he'll come sniffing round you to see what he can get then if you won't give in he'll spin you the I love you crap so he can get what he wants then leave it a day after you give him what he wants and give you we shouldn't of done that crap

You really need to forget about him he's just giving you a load of bull s**t lines to get what he want but [how many other girls is he giving this bull to] if I was you if you didn't use any protection id get myself checked you don't know how many girls he's been sleeping with

In the end it's not what he/she say or promise, its about their actions. I have learned from my experience that thinking too much about tomorrow, and the future you loose sight of the present TODAY.. Basically the only thing we can do about tomorrow is to begin preparations TODAY. By taking it one day at a time. Sometimes we shouldn't ask 'How can I find the right woman/man for me?' We shouldn't, worry about finding the right woman/man but concentrate on becoming the right man/woman.

Thanks for the great advice... but so many people thinking of the revenge first in that case... but I think the greatest revenge is to ignore them and improve yourself..

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Originally Posted by nickshehe

It's hard and it sucks..It's only been a month in my break up and I've slept with three girls,gone on several dates,been staying with friends the whole month so I dont think about things- but I still do..I dont like being alone, I want to be with her, but I can't.
When "they" don't want us anymore we shouldn't sniff around and hope and plead, we stop talking to them but we hope that they do..and it doesn't make sense how they could change, but they did..and there are two things you can do. You either drain your brain with trying to find the logic behind his/her decisions. Or you say "right..something went wrong, what did I do wrong in this, what can I learn from it" - and you move on.
It shouldnt matter whether he cares or not..its in the back of my head as well thinking "it would be great if a month later she calls me up in tears and says shes sorry and she regrets everything e.t.c"..but the raw reality of things shows that this happens to 2% of us..

--to add to this, though I love her and want to be with her I wouldn't allow my self to take her back. She's been a b*tch to me and incredibly immature during our break up..and to be honest she doesn't deserve a second chance after the way I've been treated.

I feel you on this one brother, you need to step back from the situation evaluate what caused the break up and move on from it. When someone says they need time to see what they want , u need to try and give them space. It is hard to just stop evrything and try and forget about it , but sometimes that's life and you have to grow with change and hope everything will be allright in the end

We should transform this forum into a dating service that would be awesome me thinks :]
Tal's probably going to be the most desirable bachelor though

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tal's probably going to be the most desirable bachelor though

Thanks for the very kind words, but I have to ask my wife how eligible I am.

Hey tal, what brought you to this website and what sustains you being here? Just curious.

Love the people, and I came here with a question, and just stayed. I got hooked. Honestly those PM's thanking me for being able to help make my day.

That was so true, but its so hard letting go of someone who you love and have been with for so many years as I have.

Reading this gives me guildlines to stick to but its so hard to let go and finally move on.

We all realize how hard it is to move on, plenty of pain involved for sure, and it sucks. But you will feel much better going through the pain, and learning how to cope with your loss, than running away, and never learning your lesson. Your in the right place, with the right people, so hurt and heal, with the rest of us.

Well said. Kind of hits home for a lot of people. :)

Hiii Jolie Noire... G T Ds Une Relation D'amour Avec Un Mec Ke J'aimai Bcp Mais Il M A Laisse Tombe Car G Fais Une Grande Faute... si Tu Peux Entrer Ds Mon Profile Et Lit Ce Ke J'ai Ecrit Et Repond Moi Stp

Yeah that was a great post! I needed this. Like poster #1 said... I am going to need this on an index card!

Everyone should study these wise and fruitful words of truth. I don't know about the rest of you but copy/paste into MS Office, then print will do me just fine. It's going on my wall tonight! Many thanks jolienoire!!

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

We were able to rekindle our old flame because of the way we left eachother....

Joli, this one statement speaks volumes!

Yes! Sticky it is. Wow. You just wiped out any and all questions I had about which one to choose or who to take back, etc. etc. I don't need all that! Ill be me!

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Originally Posted by godsbabygirl267

Yes! Sticky it is. wow. You just wiped out any and all questions i had about which one to choose or who to take back, ect. ect. I dont need all that! Ill be me!

Your quote: True or False, All is fair in Love and War??
My answer is yes. By any means.;) if the outcome is worth the battle. Go get 'em.:mad:

jolienoire,

You have given great advice and insight to how we have or are feeling after the breakup. I with flip back to this often as I continue my healing and take these word to heart. As much as I would like to have hope that there is the possibility of reconciliation, I have to believe and expect that it won't happen. Maybe one day, I won't want to anyway.

She left me, now I have to leave her.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted by movinrightalong

jolienoire,

You have given great advice and insight to how we have or are feeling after the breakup. I with flip back to this often as I continue my healing and take these word to heart. As much as I would like to have hope that there is the possibility of reconciliation, I have to believe and expect that it won't happen. Maybe one day, I won't want to anyway.

She left me, now I have to leave her.

Thank you.

Powerful statement! I think part of why break ups are so difficult is because the choice is made by one, generally and the other person feels they had no choice. Your statement allows good emotional health because too many times we choose to remain (in our hearts and in our heads) in a non-existant relationship.

Good for you and thanks for sharing that.

U said everything I needed to hear! Now I have a lot to do in my lonliness and thank the man who has hurt me for he gave me the chance to get my 'lost' self.Thank you!

Glad that I can help and sorry for the delay in response I was on vacation, We all have been heartbroken but it's a break up not a break down... these feelings will fade.. and you will look back and be thankful that they happened it's the only way we will ever learn..

Yea, my girlfriend broke up with me 1 month ago and started dating another guy two days later. I realized the kind of person that she is and it helped me a lot. Now, I'm just focusing on myself and wanting what's best for me. If I can better myself and learn from my mistakes, women will want to be with me instead of me wanting to look around.
As somebody said before, if you love yourself, others will love you. Plus if you are really meant to be with your ex, it will happen. Why bother controlling fate/destiny if it's not in your hands?

All you can do is live your life and enjoy every moment as if it could be your last. Life is too short to think about the past and hold onto something that may not be there.

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

Yea, my girlfriend broke up with me 1 month ago and started dating another guy two days later. I realized the kind of person that she is and it helped me a lot. Now, I'm just focusing on myself and wanting what's best for me. If i can better myself and learn from my mistakes, women will want to be with me instead of me wanting to look around.
As somebody said before, if you love yourself, others will love you. Plus if you are really meant to be with your ex, it will happen. Why bother controlling fate/destiny if it's not in your hands?

All you can do is live your life and enjoy every moment as if it could be your last. Life is too short to think about the past and hold onto something that may not be there.

Well said! Seems you have learned from the ex...

Well,

I have reread this post several times and come to one solid conclusion...

If you are trying to get someone back, don't bother. The result is usually the same as before and you will go through it all over again.

Is he/she worth it?

Think about that for a minute. What is it that you really miss? Do you miss the relationship? The comfort of companionship? Or how about the reasons that it ended?

Relationships end because one or both parties have given up on it. That being the case, instead of trying to get them back, get yourself back so that you find someone who won't give up on the work that the both of you have put in.

"Transition is not because
Something is wrong.
Transition is because
Something is over."

Sometimes people grieve over an ended relationship beating themselves up emotionally and mentally over what they did wrong. They assume if they can figure that out, then they can fix it. I think the quote above is helpful if that is what one is going through in their mind.

Very nice post.

I agree totally with you jolienoire.

- To get something back you have to let it go first
- Is it worth to keep wanting the ex back ? If yes go for it with a plan
- Remember and re-discover things you liked and didn't do for decades
- become the admired person again you where when you start dating (your ex)
- go out, enjoy life and date again, even if you want to get back with your ex
- people love to get what they can't have or what is difficult to get, so don't run right away back to your ex if he/she call, let him desire you and wish you back.

You have to LOVE yourself in first place, before you can love anybody else.

G.

And if I can add just one thing I have learned:

"You can only love others to the degree you love yourself"

If you are involved with someone and they just always seem to come up a little short of what you need emotionally, it doesn't always mean that they don't love you, they probably love you as much as is within them to love anyone. But even so, if they don't meet your emotional needs, it is probably a good thing that one of you ended the relationship.

Sometimes we feel we have messed up something when it is actually just that the other person at a young age, was not given what they needed and therefore didn't learn to love to any great depth. Just realizing this, helps somewhat to see it could not work, no matter how much you work at it. Sort of gives you a release from feeling YOU can fix it. It just isn't always fixable through no one's intentional fault.

Thank you so much Jolienoire... absolutely beautiful. The tricky part for me, at 39 years old, is trying to love myself... I never have... too much insecurity. But what you wrote is lovely :)