It sounds like you should stay far far away.
She sounds like she is spiraling out of contol.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
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It sounds like you should stay far far away.
She sounds like she is spiraling out of contol.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
I care about her too much to watch her throw her life away, but I feel helpless to do anything. I hate watching someone I care about going a such a self desructive path. She could inadvertently kill herself, and I'm not even sure she cares right now. I don't know how someone could spiral out of control so fast for no appearent reason. She comes home everyday from work misserable and until a V-day weekend all it took was seeing me to feel better about it. I guess she thinks this is more of an escape, but it's the people that she works with, at the place where she is miserable, that are encouraging her to go down this path. It makes no rational since. A choice between someone who protected her and something that could destroy her and she picks the dark path that could kill her.
Listen bud... I've been where you are. Trust me. I have. You are what I consider a "too nice of a guy"... welcome to the club. You'll find plenty more in here.
The thing is, there's NOTHING you can do. The more you do something to help her, the more she'll resent you... and the more she'll do it. I've tried it. I've made up my mind and thought "I don't care if she hates me, I love her and I'll care for her..."... didn't work. She just resented me and ended up just doing whatever she wanted anyway. I tried to get her help, didn't help. In the end, I gave up. Not because I stopped caring, but I realized that I was just making things worse.
People can only help themselves... and has to want help. Nothing can fix her until she wants to be fixed.
I'm a little more calmed down now, not because of any "good news," but because I forced myself to start thinking with the logical part of my brain. No Contact really is a blanket rule, the most important rule in everyway I can think about it. Its counterintuitive, but it's the only measure that works in this oh too common situation because it work no matter what the outcome. Outcome A) No Contact helps me get over her and move on while she does whatever the hell she wants. B) She missed me cause of no contact and she still has feelings and comes back to me at which point I can decide if I want her back based on where I am emotionally and whether she's willing to give up the drugs again. I'm tryign to approach this in an analytical manner rather than an emotional manner because if I listen only to the strong sobby emotions I will let it consume me, and also be in her eyes the clingy WUSS. No Contact is the only Win-Win situation. Either we move on, or we get back together. Anythign other than No Contact will remove any chance of the latter all together, and only No Contact will prepare you for the more likely former.
When I started dating her I was at a dark time in my life and was drinking and partying heavily. She was attracted to that I think, but brought me out of that in the process of being with me. I think I got soft. I am the "good guy" at heart, but no matter what my future holds I think I need to maintain my manliness and confidence during a relationship to keep myself from seeming unattractive in any woman's eyes. Women want emotionally strong confident men and not men that wuss themselves around them. I've gotten all too good at being the wuss that lets her walk all over me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
GOOD for you, now your thinking... BTW I don't think you are a wuss, I think you are a very caring individual... and you will make someone happy, never change that... speaking as a woman myself, I just love a man who can be real with me and express his love to me, it's a turn on... communication is key and stating what you want out of relationship doesn't make you a wuss at all.. she is the one who is at loss...
I've always been an emotionaly shy guy and hesitant to show my emotions. I was able to show her plenty of love and affection, and I wasn't afraid to get angry at first. But after time I stopped getting so angry and I let her treat me badly sometimes (to which she admitted fault) without getting angry about it. I was very caring and loving though and never afraid to let her know that I adored her (despite her treating me poorly from time to time). At any rate, one of her complaints as of late (of which there surprisingly weren't many) was that I "never get excited about anything." I don't know what that means exactly, but I do know I am emotionally reserved when it comes to those types of reactions. I'm capable of feeling things like excitement, but have a hard time expressing it. Like I'm uncomfortable in my own emotional skin. I kind of thought it was common among guys and normal. Maybe I was wrong?Quote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
I guess I'm going over this as a "what to do/not do" in my future whatever it holds for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
Oh please, people always tend to point out the things you are not doing... perhaps if she was to focus on your overall actions, she wouldn't be dwindling on your ability not to be excited.. in actuality to me, this is not even a big deal... this is something workable... maybe if she was a better girlfriend you would have been excited and by you telling me she treated you poorly I hope you see why it is important to not be in this kind of relationship... Listen to me I had kids with my ex husband and that couldn't keep me in a emotionally damaging relationship... you had nothing but a relationship with this woman.. consider how lucky you are that it didn't take you to where I was to realize that.. You can walk away with nothing attached... embrace that and remember failed relationships are the ground work to the future... You find love to loose love to find love again... and when you find the person for you... You will be a different man, a wiser man a stronger man, a better lover... and you will learn to appreciate this relationship for it has made you stronger... Mentally in your mind thank her for coming into your life, forgive her for what she have done to hurt you and move on... moving on means, excepting it is over and making the best out of your life... it isn't the end of the world but the beginning of the new you... embrace it...
You're right jolienoire. You know what, I need to be accepted for who I am, faults and all. If someone I care about only points out my faults, then its only going to damage myself esteem and make me feel self pity. I don't deserve that kind of treatment. A partner is supposed to be supportive and love you because of your strengths and weaknesses, not in spite of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
Yes you got it... I hope you find true happiness, but first love yourself enough to know that you deserve the best..
She didn't treat me horribly, there were just *mild* incidents. I'm not trying to glorify her, I'm just trying to present an unbiased view. She more than went out of her way to make up for any time she did miss treat me and I could really tell she was trying. Sometimes I just ended up as her punching bag *mostly metaphorically*. She did get better at it. Not completely, but better.
That being said I actually have almost made it 48hrs NC. Of course she hasn't tried to contact me either and I hate to admit I can't keep my mind off my phone. I managed to get some school work done but it was slow going, and forget studying, I couldn't keep my mind on it. The thing that sucks is this week is finals week. Universal Karma I guess. I'm managing to slowly finish my final projects just I can't focus on studying for the exams and I'm worried about doing poorly on them. I won't fail, but it'll definitely hurt my grade if I'm not prepared for the exams. I just can't keep my mind on the books. I zone out and start thinking about her and again I hate to admit it, I'm thinking about how me and her are going to work everything out when she's done with her break. Stupid way of thinking I know, but I just am not willing to give up hope till she says its over for good.
Sounds as if your willing to let her lead, and control this relationship, and I urge you to rethink that position, so that you can at least gain some control over why, and what you will accept. I think you should at least love yourself, as much, if not more, than you love her. You have a stake in this also, and to just let her do whatever she wants, does you no good. You do not have to go along with anything she puts down, if you are against it, and standing your ground for what you believe, is a part of what you bring to the table. You don't have to settle to keep her. But she has to accept and respect you to keep you. She has issues with life, and you can't help her be happy with who she is, or what she does, that's her responsibility. All you can do is be happy, and share it with her, and she must be willing to do the same. If, and when she is ready for that, she will let you know. Until then ,take this break and get to a healthy place, to make good decisions for you, and see things as they really are, and not clouded by emotions, and intense feelings. Be good to yourself, and expect no less from others.Quote:
but I just am not willing to give up hope till she says its over for good.
This "break" has a deadline of March 20th (or sooner according to her). I have 2 choices, end things myself which I don't want to do but it gives me control or let her have till March 20th which is shared control in a sense. She's got the power till the deadline, but at the deadline, I've told myself I have to end things cause I can't give her more than that. I can't put myself through any more than that. I'm going to keep No Contact. That's my bit of control in all this. Its control over myself, and some control over the situation. I've decided that until the deadline I will reply to her but I won't iniciate contact. And I'm going to be doing my best to be having fun as just me so if she asks how I'm doing I can genuinly tell her I'm doing good and having fun. I don't want her to see the needy weepy guy that I know I can be to you guys. If she tries to talk to me without a decision I will also be brief but friendly and nicely tell her that this is a break for both of us and that we really shouldn't talk till we both come to a decision and decide either the break or "us" is over. If given the opportunity this will keep it from being her show. In the mean time I thought I might start hanging out with some female friends of mine and trying to have fun. She has always felt threatened by these girls but that is just a bonus. I have no romantic interest in these girls (the feelings mutual) but we have been friends for years and I think it would do me some good to be around socializing with the opposite sex and having fun. That's my plan till March 20th, give me your input.
I am so uncomfortable with deadlines, and just me a willingness to work together trumps, all those breaks and confusion. That you have other things to do is great, but why do I think this is more about you than her. I honestly don't know.
Tal, in what way do you think this is more about me than her? I'm just curious that I missed something about myself. I got to say I'm uncomfortable with a deadline too. But I really don't want to put myself through any more heartache than I have to. I really don't know yet if I could have the courage to end it at the deadline. But a few days into the break (we hadn't stopped talking the first 4 days or so) she said I want a break till one month from today (that day being Feb 20th). She also said it "might not even be that long." I hate this because she's cutting communication rather than opening them, at least for a month. I know I didn't always listen to her but for the most part we did communicate. I know what a lot of my faults are. I don't judge her for her faults. Lately I guess I have been more wrapped up in my own problems and less willing to listen to hers. I've been stressed because this Quarter, class has been kicking my butt to keep up. (A lot of writing. Three 30 page papers in one class!) Maybe part of this has to do with me not listening to her. Past 2 months or so, I've heard her problems but I don't really think I listened to her. I was just thinking "I'll get through my stuff and then be there for her. Its only 3 months". Tal, I really just want to know what you meant. And what you think given more detail. You're insight is apprieciated.
After rereading this thread, I have to go back to what I said in post #7. Even though honoring the deadline may not be a bad thing at all, I think your mind should be made up before then, and your decision should not be fully hers to make, as you are half this team. So the way I see it, Unless you are as confused as she is, and you need the time to figure it out for yourself. Stay busy, and even if she initiates contact, don't be desperate, and to available.
“A perfect method for adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.” Deadlines are riduculous and only works for project, and working, there shouldn't be deadlines in relationships..Quote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
I think this should be a strict, no contact deal for more than a month. More for you than her, as she has not promised to comeback, which leads me to believe there is something she isn't telling, but wants to leave her options open. This is not the kind of female I would wait for, no way. To me, just me mind you she is saying, "let me see if I can do better or at least try, and if it doesn't work I'll be back........maybe." Sorry guy, But me, I'm out of there. The sooner the better, and the hell with her deadline.
Seems I was writing while you were posting, but I do agree 100%. Deadlines and ultimatums have no place in a relationship, and only leads to drama and confusion. I have seen this tactic used many times to string someone along, or keep them close, and dependent. Not good either way and is a poor example of caring. Girl, you are good.Quote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Thanks talaniman, you know I posted some questions back in October, I was basically in the same situation but I suggested the break he agreed, we gave each other space, and when it was comfortable we talked again but it took months, and we did no contact at all not even holidays, I mean he attempted to contact me after months have passed but I stuck to NC, until I was fully healed, we talk and we are working at our friendship.. but then again Iv'e known him over 10 years... Ultimately there was no deadline set... we just ran into each other and started talking.. It's possible to miss someone and work it out the second time around. But don't screw up the chances... my relationship now is different because I don't make him the focus of my happiness... I took that time and found myself.. the woman I forgot I was while I was in that relationship. Jolie She's back now and stronger than ever...
Goes to the basis of this thread, as I think he could benefit from healing, rather than going through this drama he is in. You have to be healthy, to make healthy decisions for yourself. Love has no deadlines, so what the hurry, to jump back into the confusion?
I'm sure there are lots of things she's hiding from me at this point. I have just been hoping they didn't involve other guys. You guys seem sure though she lineing up other guys and comparing them to me to see who's better as we speak. I just have a hard time believing she would just drop me outright for a new guy when she's been very dependent and needy of me for the past 2 years. I haven't seemed the clingy one in this relationship till just now when she took herself out of my life. And I didn't mind her being needy of me. I love being needed. Right now I have a bruised ego from rejection, I feel worthless cause no one "needs me", I feel lonely because I'm not with her (other friends have been POOR substitutes), and I miss her terribly as my best friend and lover. I hate not having her, now I'm the clingy needy one (though doing my best not to let her see that), and I hate the thought of her not wanting me and not needing me. I'm sure you see a whole slew of problems in these emotions, I see them too. But its how I feel and the way she was towards me up until the last second I actually saw her in person. It took 2 days before her *visible* attitude towards me changed.
All great inovations are built on rejection... Don't let this change your attitude or yourself esteem...
This is why you healing is more important, so you can see through those emotions that are still fresh and intense.
I'm trying my best to focus on me, but it's easier said than done. Part of me just wants the situation to be over but the other part of me tells me the only way that's going to happen is if I end things. I don't want to do it. I don't want it to be done. I don't want it to be over, and officially its not. The only way I have hope of that result (I know HOPE is a BAD thing) is if I play her game. I just think at least with No Contact, I can play her game by my rules. I've been reading the Break Up Survival Guide Post and trying to develop a strategy. (Makes me feel like Im actually doing something) We didn't have any problems that were beyond repair and it didn't seem as though we "grew apart." Just the only way those few problems (nothing major really) have to be fixed by us as a team. I'm willing to be in a team with her to work on them. The question is, is she still willing to be on the team with me. Only she knows. In this aspect the balls in her court and there's nothing I can do about it.
I just thought it interresting and I don't know why I thought of this, but because I work graveyard shift and she works simi-normally my no contact days are weird. From her perspective, its been 2 days since last contact. From mine its about to be 3 when I go to bed. I'll be ending my 3rd day when she's beginning it. I don't know why I thought of this of all things but I thought I'd put it out there. She's had Saturday and Sunday without me contacting her. I've had Friday Night, Saturday Night, and Sunday Night since my day is starting at 6pm and ending at 9am. My day used to start at 3-4pm while with her. Now I have a ton of time to sleep and am sleeping horribly. I got 11 whole hours last night though after taking a sleep aid that I didn't know would put me into that much of a coma.
Well I feel SICK right now. SICK. Its another guy for sure, but she hasn't come out and told me. I did something sick to find out. I logged on to her Facebook account (cause I know the password I set it up for her) and went to her inbox. One of her friends asked her how she was doing and she replied not good. She said that she was starting to have feelings for one of her coworkers and asked for a month break from her boyfriend (me) to clear her head.
SJB you need to stop! Look at what you're doing to yourself! You need to stop logging onto her Facebook. You're going to have a thing called a restraining order put on you, I know the urge to sign on to her account will be there but you need to resist. Because look at where it got you, what part of ignorance is bliss did you just not understand! You told us the first time, that she wasn't the type of girl to just have feelings for someone else, now you were proved wrong. Now you can start to move on and realize that perfect girl image of her has been SHATTERED! All you are doing now is not allowing yourself to move on, while she on the other hand is. But hey, if you're comfortable with being the back up plan, that's fine
I may have done something borderline stalker to find out, but I found out. I can't confront her because of the way I found out. She's been lying to me. She said it wasn't another guy. You guys said it was. YOU WERE RIGHT! I feel like absolute but at least I know. I just don't know how to end things. I want to but I desperatly don't want to all at the same time.
If you read the background to my situation you will see, I was EXACTLY how you were. But since finding this site, I have come a long way, in a good way. Sure I still have my bad days and will be posting something that happened at work yesterday as soon as I get done this just because I feel better talking to the people on this forum about it than anyone else. But don't beat yourself up over what you did, it happened, you can't change it. We all make mistakes, no one on this forum will tell you otherwise. But it won't be easy to move on, my ex has a new boyfriend and I don't know if it's true, but a friend of mine told me yesterday that the quicker your ex moves on to someone new, the more she is simply trying to push her feelings for you out of her heart. She will realize she let a good thing get away, fate works both ways my friend. We will always be here for you
Was it a mistake for me to seek out the truth? To get an answer? To know one way or another? Or should I have left myself with false hopes letting her string me along? "Break" my... I'm not sorry for finding the truth, I'm just shaken up that it was my worst fear...
No it was a mistake in how you did it. What you need to realize is, it's her life now. You're no longer a part of it, The sooner you realize it will never be the same. The less you will care what she does. You have to realize that the image of the great girl you once knew, has been altered, which should aid in moving on. If she contacts you, tell her not to talk to you anymore, she asked for this space so tell her you want space as well
Yeah it hurts, but the good news is, you have all the control back, and have no need to take her calls or make any contact whatsoever. Start right now at this moment, to heal and put this in the past and look to the future. Cry if you must but put you first from now on. Don't be like the stubborn nog heads, who feel they need closure, or want to try one more time, or need to TALK TO HER, forget it! Go No Contact now, and leave anything with her name on it alone.
I got to end things... I can't bring myself to do it. I don't even know what to tell her when I do. I can't tell her what I know or how I know it. What can I do?
Just simply tell her that after looking back on the past couple months you realized that you have grown apart from her and think that going our separate ways would be best for both of us. Wish her well in whatever she does and then say your goodbyes and leave it at that. None of that closure crap, I need to send her this e-mail to know its really over. When they person says "we need to break, or break up" its over. There is no hidden message that says "I want you to chase me to hell and I will take you back" it means, GOODBYE
I disappear from her existence, just me though.:DQuote:
Originally Posted by SJB1701E
Then tell her nothing, you owe her nothing. She'll figure it out.Quote:
I don't even know what to tell her when I do.
Man I hate it when people can't enforce boundaries. Thinking a coworker is hot and nice is one thing... but this broad obviously has loose boundaries, and she shouldn't have gotten that close to him to develop feelings in the first place. You don't need someone like that, keep telling yourself that. Use all this in the future... the next time around you should take your time. Stay away from chicks with boundary or codependancy issues. With some observation you can usually see what types get attached too quickly. Just keep telling yourself that there is someone else out there that won't do that to you, that will be better for you.
I just ended it... or she did... I don't know... She didn't want to let it go at I don't think we should be together anymore. And I made the mistake of talking to her about it... Anyway it ended with her hanging up on me after telling me it was my fault she wanted the break because I had stopped listening to her... then the usual crap about how she is young and doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship at this age. I asked her if she had feelings for someone else, and she said she had thought she did but realized she didn't really quickly and in fact was just enjoying being alone and doing what she wants to do. Of course it was too late to say, oh lets do the break thing again, and probably for the best. She said she was just stringing me along but not in the sense that I thought and that is wasn't fair on me. We went back and forth and I pushed her away I know and she said it was best that we end things and hung up on me and that she didn't want to work things out with me. So I started dumping her had trouble with the follow through and she finished it. I feel like sh!t. I'll talk to you guys later.
There is the closure you "needed" my friend. Now you can move on from here, learn from your mistakes in the relationship and start to work on some alone time. Become happy with yourself as a single person. That's the biggest thing, don't jump into another relationship for the comfort or because you feel alone. It will all be better and one day you will look back and laugh about how you acted. While I do still want my ex back, I look back to how I acted the first 2 weeks after we broke up and I was such a little b!tch and laugh at myself now for how I acted, which probably pushed any thoughts in her mind that I could do better.
Dude I've read this story a 1,000 times and went through it myself back in September. Read my post. I know it's long, but it's essentially the same journey you are on right now. It's taken me all the way until NOW to be comfortable with the fact that it's completely over and to just stop... caring so much I guess. Definitely one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, and I guarantee it will be the same for you. But you will get through it.
I'm still struggling sometimes, just as you will. For example just yesterday, after days of not thinking about her, I randomly started to. I started to think that here I am, over 5 months later and I'm still single and can't find a girl even though I've been trying for sure, whereas she found a new boyfriend almost immediately and has been dating him for a couple of months. She's all but forgotten about me now. It sucks, because in a way I feel like she's robbed me of having a relationship and being in "girlfriend mode," which I feel like is the best version of myself, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like she's royally screwed up my life, because when she said she wanted a "break" I had to move 30 minutes away, hang out with all new people, switch my job location, and lose my best friend and lover all in one. And it pisses me off because I'm not particularly good at meeting new girls, and it's going to take me forever to find a new one.
Fact is though, that none of it matters anymore. I know she's not the same person I started dating in 2003, and even if she wanted to get back together (which I'm sure she never will) I just don't think it would work right now. And eventually, I'll get a new girl. And the new people I've met as a result of my move are mostly cool. Point is, I'm gettin' by, and so will you. Sounds to me like you've done much better than I did. And don't worry about snooping that one time... but wouldn't do it any more. I did it too, and soon as I found out there was another guy it gave me the kick in the @$$ I needed to stop talking to her. Keep with the NC and you'll be much much better off.
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