Like your quote maybe you'll find Gold when you dig deep.
Its sad how people chose to give up or walk away,or not appreciate the person they were with. Leaving them to pick up the pieces,with mine sadly a third party was involved so he couldn't wait to hook up with her.
So why should I still be in his friendzone when he has someone else.
That's whay you don't want to be on the friendzone, I read that its always on their terms since they see that you'll stay in their lives no matter what, even if they are with someone else, hopes that's not your case.

Very true.

I miss her dearly, we never fought or anything, so I thought I'd found someone very special. If its meant to be its meant to be, as Tal says, we need to get healthy first, and seeing her in a friend capacity is not going to be healthy for me, as I want more.

If she realises what she's missing one day, I'll see where I am and how I feel once I'm emotionally more stable.

I heard that they do circle back especially after you moved on but then it would be too late. Question J. As well as txting or dropping by, did she ever call you? If so would you respond if its her?
Just a bit confused,if I never answer his calls, wouldn't it seem as though I'm still upset? (well I am, but don't want him to know that) My case I have every right to be since he callously told me that all we're ever going to be is friends and that's it. Well I'm not interested in that or keeping contact as his friend while he rejects me and is with his new flame. I have toyed with the idea of answering and trying to sound cool like I'm over it,but I don't know how I could pull this off when I'm not? Not sure what to d,if the situation presents itself. No not pulling off to the side of the highway,just contemplating a bit.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vivia12

I heard that they do circle back especially after you moved on but then it would be too late. Question J. As well as txting or dropping by,, did she ever call you? if so would you respond if its her?
Just a bit confused,if i never answer his calls, wouldnt it seem as though i'm still upset? (well i am, but dont want him to know that) My case i have every right to be since he callously told me that all we're ever going to be is friends and thats it. Well i'm not interested in that or keeping contact as his friend while he rejects me and is with his new flame. i have toyed with the idea of answering and trying to sound cool like i'm over it,but i dont know how i could pull this off when i'm not? Not sure what to d,if the situation presents itself. No not pulling off to the side of the highway,just contemplating a bit.

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I think that if he's off with another girl, then I wouldn't answer the calls. And in my case, my heart would probably be pounding but I'd have to let it ring out and not answer. If they left a message see what it says, but otherwise I think I'd not answer it.

J

My heart pounded also, when I was staring at my cell when it rang.
He's been w/her for a while now so him calling,even though it in way makes me feel that I'm not that forgettable, doesn't do anything if he doesn't lave a message,or that he wants to be with me,fat chance,I guess disappearing is my best and only bet.. not to get him back but to save the scrap of digbity I have left, do you ever feel the same way, seems like you're doing great and no tmade any mistakes I hd in the past-being fiends,that's not what you want, especially if or when she breaks the news that she met someone else. Worst day of my life when he told me.
I will take your advice to heart J,and hope you're feeling OK, you are advice helped me a lot too. Magma, that reminds me oof my Geology class,its molten rock isn't it? :)

Hi JPM
I think Tal has pretty well covered everything you should be doing here but seeing as you requested I read your story I will give you my opinion. It also seems you know what needs to be done and are doing it well.

The trick is not to fall into the trap of breaking NC when the times get hard , those moments when you have a bad day or 2 are the worst , but you just have to work through them.

Bottom line is she has thought about this for some time and has made her decision , you don't just wake up one morning and decide to Dump somebody , particularly if you still love them.

She feels guilty and I would say is making contact to ease that guilt , if you respond or are there for her in any way at the moment you end up feeling worse because you never really have the closure you require , don't be her doormat or her backup. Be strong , stay strict NC and start to heal.

No point wasting your energy on someone who isn't willing to reciprocate. And if its meant to be in the future you will at least have put yourself in a mental state where you can make a decision based on logic and not emotion. And you will have kept your dignity.

Many thanks friend4U, I appreciate the input, I really do.

The past weekend has been particularly hard, but I have not borken NC. I'm not saying its easy to do, its tearing me up quite badly at the moment. But some days are better than others at the moment, so I'll keep rolling with it, and see where it takes me.

Use the "delete" icon and delete his messages, better yet, put it in your spam folder.

Its been a particularly tough couple of days, definitely an up and down ride at the moment. I have read that to properly heal, you have to let go. I am wondering how I do that?

At the moment, I am thinking of her probably too much, I guess its just because I miss her badly.

But then again , why waste my my time and my thoughts on the person that has caused me this much pain? Then I have a thought that I should see her to give her that hug and be there for her, then my head takes over and says no!

Stay NC. That's 3 attempts at contact and I haven't replied. She has no invitation from me to enter the friends zone, as that would be what she wants again.

This is seriously tough going, and I thank everyone for their input. Its amazing how many people have gone through it, and are going through it.

JPM
It's not easy , but you have to realise your doing this for you , why worry about her and be there for her? Is she doing that for you , NO!! She's contacting you to ease her guilt. Let her current boyfriend worry about her.

You either start it now or you let her contact and answer and it just delays the process.

Hang in there buddy, as hard as it is, the rewards are even better.

Hey J.
You're not the only one whose practing NC, remember you gave me great advice so know that you're not alone


Get on that No Contact Highway!

Guys,

I am a broken man.

I have been out tonight to a bar/club, and my ex's best mate was at the coat stand taking the coats etc. I stupidly said hello and go chatting etc, she said she didn't know too much about my and my ex's breakup as they had stopped talking to each other recently but she knew that we had split up.

Then she said she new that my ex had tried to contact me, and I had not bothered to respond. I said imagine that you really liked a guy and he got rid of you, but you stayed around on his terms for whatever he wanted, you'd be a doormat for him. What about what you wanted? She said I understand but I am a doormat at the moment for a guy I am seeing... I said don't ever be that, as you are worth so much more.

Basically she said that my ex was wondering if I'd be still around as she is a little lonely and wants some physical action etc, and if I was up for that.

That has made me feel the lowest I have ever felt.

I'm sick of going out and coming home and feeling like crap. There's me thinking that she might be missing the relationship we had, but if I take her mates words as gospel she is quite clearly not. All she is missing is her mate to share some problems with and some guy to feel close too.

I feel such a fool for thinking that she may be missing me. I really hope that some good days come around one day, as this is really hurting. Its probably the reality check I need to be honest, that someone you cared so much about couldn't really give a dollar about how you are feeling. I genuinely thought she would be missing the relationship we had. How could I be so wrong? All I want to do is leave this town I live in and get away asap. I', 25 have a good job and can go anywhere I want, but I feel at the moment I have gone 10 rounds with mike tyson at his peak.

Tonight has hurt me so much, I cannot believe that this girl would have been so shallow, to think after a year together I'd be happy to be her fu*k buddy.

I know its not from her herself but it still cuts me deep.

I wish I hadn't said hello to her mate.

And I am so fed up of feeling so low. I was doing OK today as well.

J

Xx

This goes to show you how critical a policy of N/C is. It includes collecting/accepting info from 3rd parties, too.

Now that you've broken N/C by taking in the new info, see how it didn't help at all? AND, you don't even know if it's accurate. So you feel worse and have nothing useful to show for it.

N/C means working on your own heart and motivations, setting the way to eventually be OK with your lingering feelings for the EX. You can't forget, so N/C is a coping tool, meant to strengthen you and get you through it.

Also, as long as you're talking to other girls about your EX, you aren't courting THEM. Now that's a missed opportunity. Even if you have no intention of pursuing girls like the one in your post above, it is STILL good practice to spend your time talking to THEM about what they like and getting to know them.

Also not a bad idea to help those conversations guide away from discussions of THEIR exes, too. Talk about dreams, hopes, jobs, fantasies... etc.

Start thinking forward again.

I know you are right, I shouldn't have even bothered to talk to her friend! What a wally!

I am trying to be as strong as I can. I haven't contacted her at all, guess I didn't realise how an innocent chat with a 3rd party could have opened up the wound a bit.

I will remember next time!

Not only have you learned a valuable lesson, you now where you are in the healing process, FRESH. The same thing applies to her friends as her, be nice when you see them, but to busy, or in a hurry, for conversation. You may have to be a little more proactive in your healing, and get busier.

"Then she said she new that my ex had tried to contact me, and i had not bothered to respond. I said imagine that you really liked a guy and he got rid of you, but you stayed around on his terms for whatever he wanted, you'd be a doormat for him. what about what you wanted?? She said i understand but i am a doormat at the moment for a guy i am seeing... i said don't ever be that, as you are worth so much more."

Hey J, what are you doing reading about my life?its so me what you've described hang in there,go west!

My ex(friend) just called and was still immature running the friends line,
Nothing changes,just same oled crap, I say forget it,not being any friend to no guy who kixks me to the curb,
What you're feeling now J. is anger, that's part of the healing process.
Believe me,I'm going through the same thing, now its just,what the hell did I waste my time for attitude,comes w/acceptance.
Do good things for yourself, you have the weekend off?
Are you In England by the way? You say mate, my goodness, if I was there, I would be hitting all the historic sites, do something good for yourself,promise.

Don't contact her. Mark the e-mail as spam and delete it.

Leave her be.

The universe will take care of the rest!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ash123

leave her be.

the universe will take care of the rest!

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Ash you're the best with your wisdon, please bring more okay? I missed that!

Hi all,

I haven't posted in a while but thought id send out an update as I could do with a little pick me up.

Basically I took the advice I was given before and ignored my ex's emails she sent me as they were just probing emails saying nothing in particular. Then I got a text from her at the start of march saying that I know your ignoring me but what's the password to the old computer you got me. Now I did'nt want to appear to rude, so I just sent her the four letter word and nothing else.

I then received a text saying wow thanks J, I'd love to know what I did wrong... you and me used to text at the beginning of the year... etc etc. Then before I replied I got another saying you seem to think its OK to ignore me etc etc.


I felt suitably angry at this, so arranged to meet up later that week, primarilly to say my piece as I've never been one to hide behind emails/texts etc.

So we met up, got on well as we always did even though it had been 2 months since we last saw each other. I then stayed at hers, and she was saying things like ' why are we not together when we are so good together' and you're the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night' and repeated I love you's.

This girl was always full of contradictions, but the above was the tip of the ice berg. Why are we not together when we are so good together? Because you dumped me! I wanted to say that but I didn't.

Anyhow, we went our separate ways in the morning, I said its best if we don't contact each other at all, but then a couple of days later I thought, surely people don't say things like she did, if she didn't have some strong feelings, and maybe wanted to get back together?

SO I asked if she wanted to come over for dinner, and she replied that she did'nt think it was a good idea as if we keep meeting I'm going to get hurt, and she still is adamant that we would never get married, or even move in together.

I am now on day 29 of NC either way, and I am doing all sorts of things to keep me busy. I am determined to beat this, but I won't deny that some days are better than others. I still miss her in many ways, but then I say if she did really love me, she wouldn't have left.

Meeting with her just gave me more confusion. I hope that in time things will get better, I'm looking forward to when that may be.

JPM

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jpm247

Hi all,

i haven't posted in a while but thought id send out an update as i could do with a little pick me up.

Basically i took the advice i was given before and ignored my ex's emails she sent me as they were just probing emails saying nothing in particular. Then i got a text from her at the start of march saying that i know your ignoring me but whats the password to the old computer you got me. Now i did'nt want to appear to rude, so i just sent her the four letter word and nothing else.

I then received a text saying wow thanks J, i'd love to know what i did wrong.... you and me used to text at the beginning of the year... etc etc. Then before i replied i got another saying you seem to think its ok to ignore me etc etc.


I felt suitably angry at this, so arranged to meet up later that week, primarilly to say my piece as ive never been one to hide behind emails/texts etc.

So we met up, got on well as we always did even though it had been 2 months since we last saw each other. I then stayed at hers, and she was saying things like ' why are we not together when we are so good together' and your the first thing i think of in the morning and the last at night' and repeated i love you's.

This girl was always full of contradictions, but the above was the tip of the ice berg. Why are we not together when we are so good together?? because you dumped me! i wanted to say that but i didn't.

Anyhow, we went our separate ways in the morning, i said its best if we don't contact each other at all, but then a couple of days later i thought, surely people don't say things like she did, if she didn't have some strong feelings, and maybe wanted to get back together?

SO i asked if she wanted to come over for dinner, and she replied that she did'nt think it was a good idea as if we keep meeting i'm going to get hurt, and she still is adamant that we would never get married, or even move in together.

I am now on day 29 of NC either way, and i am doing all sorts of things to keep me busy. I am determined to beat this, but i won't deny that some days are better than others. I still miss her in many ways, but then i say if she did really love me, she wouldn't have left.

Meeting with her just gave me more confusion. I hope that in time things will get better, i'm looking forward to when that may be.

JPM

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She sounds like a game player. The minute you are not interested, she comes running. As soon as you reciprocate, she backs off. Very immature. You certainly don't need that confusion in your life!

It sounds to me like you're back on day 1 of No Contact. The moment you text a single 4-letter word to her, look at all the grief and additional crap you bought yourself. Was it worth it?

People say all sorts of things when they're trying to get their way or trying to get you to give in on something. Remember that. So of COURSE she could she say stuff like that, of COURSE she could have feelings for you... and of COURSE you buy yourself misery if you respond to any of it.

No Contact means... ready for it... NO CONTACT. Technically, you were reading her text messages, so you were NOT exercising no contact. Every time you click READ MESSAGE, you start over... like an alcoholic just taking one little drink... the clock starts over.

So, realize, NO CONTACT means you don't ACCEPT any contact from her as well. Voice messages are deleted the MOMENT you hear her voice, or without listening if your machine can tell you the phone number first. You delete all texts and emails without reading, train your devices to delete them without even showing them to you if possible. No, it's not rude to hang up on someone you're not talking to. It's rude for you to let them in, even a little bit, and then wonder why the crap has started all over again. Rude to yourself.

I have a different outlook, sort of JB... I do agree he broke NC, that's not even a question. I have gotten texts from my ex, read them and didn't respond and I was fine. But yes, the moment he agreed to meet up with her he blew that count. Hate to say it buddy but you're bad at Day 1. You got a little hope and went running right back to your old ways of basically begging(asking to hang out)... Go back to NC and start this trend again

It does get easier, but you need to stick to NC

I'm on day 29 now of the second round of NC and it is going OK ish, so I've stuck to it this time. She just messed with me a bit by saying all those things. I wouldn't say them if I didn't mean it.

Just two different people in the end.

So it's been 29 days since what you posted happened?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jpm247

im on day 29 now of the second round of NC and it is going ok ish, so ive stuck to it this time. She just messed with me a bit by saying all those things. I wouldn't say them if i didn't mean it.

Just two different people in the end.

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Good job, then. We're all behind you. Restistance is NOT futile. You can do it...

Yeah basically. A couple of emails came and went, but bar that it is properly all done and dusted as I said I relly need to move on one way or another, and I heard nothing back.

I'm doing OK and its been 29 days since then, been keeping busy, just have the odd weak moments now and again.

It makes me angry but at the same time it comforts me to know that other people go through this crap as well...
I feel for you man.
We're all behind you :/

Yes nick, I imagine I'm not the first nor the last. I dream of the day when I'm totally healed...

One day I hope,

Worst thing I guess is hoping u will meet someone again who u feeel so strongly for. Fingers crossed all round,

Quote:

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Meeting with her just gave me more confusion.

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Lesson learned. About meeting some one else. Stop even thinking about it, and focus on building your life that you enjoy, and stay busy with the things you love doing. In that way you will be happy with who you are, and will attract other happy people to you, and some one will want to share it with you.

I seem to struggle a bit with thoughts of my ex creeping into my head - just wanted to know what peoples suggestions for trying to put them out were?

Its basically like I get a 'pang' or a flashback where I feel sadness when I think that we are not together anymore.

I know she dumped me etc, so I really shouldn't give her any more thought or time in my head, guess I just find it hard to shift the memories and things we did together.

Breakups definitely are not fun!

I definitely feel you... what do I do..

Well, during the day, classes + work keep me at bay... most of the time. Granted, I get small flashes here and there, but I snap back within 2 - 3 seconds.

The nights were the roughest the first two months after breaking up... and I eventually ended up just going to the gym... working out until I almost gas out, then coming home, taking a shower, and passing out. On the weekends, I usually go out with my friends until 3 - 4 am... come home, and pass out again.

... It gets much easier and MUCH better after 2 months or so. I believe 90 days is the goal, then the rest is a joke.

Its only been 3 weeks of break-up for me and 5 days of NC so I know I'm in for worse, but most of the time I feel pretty good. About once a day I get down for about a 1/2 hour, thinking about the past 4 years etc. but then I remind myself (1) how lucky I am that I can live life without any regrets since I was dumped and wasn't the dumper, (2) I was an awesome girlfriend and I'll be an awesome girlfriend to someonelse one day who deserves it, (3) if all else fails I picture him sitting around sobbing hysterically over a picture of me. Oh, and wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping any time you start to feel bad about yourself really helps.

Check the stickies!

These are the things I did:

Best thing to do is to go out and have fun.

1) Go to the gym
2) Do sports
3) Try something new
4) Go clubbing with your mates
5) Instead of saying no to people say yes!
6) Plan lots of things to look forward to
7) KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED! - even if its watching a film about love.
8) Improve yourself - e.g. career, health etc

One thing which made me feel so great was running - I live near a 8 mile stretch of beach, so I would run along there listening to music and watching the sunet, plus the 'runner high' was great :)

The hardest times are when your in bed alone or doing things you used to do with your ex but it gets easier with time.

The guys are so right. Click on the links in my signature, for some great suggestions.

Dear all,

I ran into my ex on my way home from work this evening, and needed to vent out something.

I was turning into the road just round the corner from my house and she was walking towards me. She had a guy with her ( fortuantely he is no looker lol) and also fortunately I was on the phone talking to my dad when she got near she said 'hi', I said 'hello', then she said 'i've broken down' and pointed to the car up the street, I said OK, and then she said 'you look nice', (as I was wearing my dappa suit and looking and feeling good).

I said 'thank you' and then said 'i've got to go I'm on the phone', and carried on walking!

Think I handled that one pretty well all round, she didn't look her best either and I didn't find myself thinking the old thoughts of how stunning she was (when we were 2gether)

So I felt a bit of adrenalin and that sort of feeling inside you get ( I can't describe it but you know what I mean, like an extra heartbeat) but then I quickly focused and got out of the situation as quick as I could.

After the initial feeling, it gave way too that of well if that's your new man, than you threw something amazing away for that? Comedy! And I can do better (as everyone has been telling me)

And also I'm doing better, and I'm looking forward to being totally over her.

Just felt like I had to say something to let it out,

Thanks guys

That's great news man...
Keep it up :]