I believe it is like learning to crawl once again; have you ever seen how an infant learns to get its knees under its torso? They have to try, try, and try again. Then you will pull yourself up to your feet, and fall; and pull yourself up again, and take those first steps. And you, like everyone in this mess, will fall; and you brush it off, and start walking again; and soon skipping and then running through the wind. For me, hour by hour, day by day, and now week by week. And you will look back and those raw, painful feelings will not be so intense; you will surprise yourself, you will see.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by homesick

damn I'm such loser... I seem to be bipolar. I knew I would feel down really soon but I messed things up.

why can't I trust myself, I already know I can't trust her, why do I want to keep looking at the evidence, I'm just making everything worse, not just on myself, but I'm gonna have to fess up one day. Jesus I hate myself for that, I'm so good at taking care of myself and everything else, but this one damn link that I have left to her is destroying my whole world. and it's not even her doing it to me, it's me doing it to myself, I'm still very sick. what do I do.

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Darlin, you're not bi-polar, you're human. You're going through the stages of letting someone go... expect Shekra (The best roller coaster in the world... at Busch Gardens, Tampa).

You do trust yourself. You have moments of pure happiness, intense grief, and all-consuming hatred for yourself and her.

You're not going crazy, nor are you sick. Healing takes time. But you know what? (Yet another one of my famous literary antidotes... ) You know what a pearl is?? Other than being one of the single most beautiful adornments, it is basically a scab. When the oyster gets a cut in his shell, he starts to exert all his energy to heal that cut... the dirt particles that crept into the shell in the tears the soft oyster become a scab. That scab is what we call a pearl. Every time that I wear a pearl I'm reminded of that... Without the cut, never would there be a pearl.

Without your pain, never will there be a glorious ending.

I wrote something once... It's very non-poetic, but it was during a time in my life that I was going through what you are going through right now... this conflict of emotions...

A grain of sand embedded in the soft flesh of an oyster
The pain; an impurity tunneling away at the hidden depths
The oyster, unbeknownst to the harsh and cruel world surrounding him
Quietly struggles to rid his body of the offender.

Slowly, the single grain becomes a jagged cut
Followed by tears of pain
Not knowing why he hurts so, he presses on
Desperately seeking to purge his soft tissue.

Repairing the breach by fashioning a scab
Completely covering the torn membrane
The oyster begins to heal himself
Becoming stronger and wiser from the grain.

To the beholder, the healing scab has become a precious pearl
A soft, glistening reminder of elegance and beauty.
To the oyster, but a testament of
A battle fought
A weakness overcome
A victory won.

It is up to you to make the struggles of today
The pearls of tomorrow.

© 2008 HistorianChick

(It's nothing special, but hope it helped. :) I'm rooting for you!:)

Just curious, how long to make a pearl?

Depends on the oyster... :)

I hope this doesn't come across as desperation, but that's probably what it is. I thank you for your sage advice, and I'm smart enough to know that it's right and that I should take it, but I'm also a very stubborn person, actually I prefer to call myself steadfast. I don't like to change my mind, I will look at something from all angles before I change the way I think about it. The only angle I have left to look at this problem from is the future, and I know I can wait for that, but I've told myself to look at it every other possible way.

Was it my fault, was it her fault, was it nobody's fault, was it bad timing, was it circumstance, is this a test, have I already failed it, did she fail, who will come out better from this in the end.

No matter what questions I ask or what conclusions I draw, I still come up with the root of the matter, I love her, and she does not love me. She thinks that anyway. But I know better, I know her heart and I know her weakness, and fear, and I'll be damned if I don't know my own heart. I could almost completely let her go yesterday, I knew from the start that it could almost cripple me but I could let her be with somebody else from the start because I know that she will come back to me, but she won't fight for my old self, she is too short sighted to remember what was inside of me that inspired her to grow beyond her frail limits. It might only take time for that barrier to be destroyed, and time is something that I have, but we both know that she falls in love easily, and she is good at fooling herself for her comfort, so despite my foreknowledge that her new relationship is not likely to last, her patterns suggest that she will not circle back, they suggest that she will move further down her path of desperation. But I should reconsider that, she does circle back, but she doesn't consider this searching for a replacement suitor, she might think of it as catching up with old friends, rebuilding her self esteem is what it really is, when all these old flames rush to answer her vague dispatches.

I need a secret weapon, I need something to shock her into seeing me clearly. If only I had a way to reach her, but I'm blocked at all fronts, whether she wants to see me again, any way I have of relaying evidence of my swift recovery would be lost on her. It's such a damn dilemma I know better than to call or write her, not so much out of fear of the dreaded 'friend zone' but I can't afford her prejudice anymore, I need her to think I am not attainable anymore, and right now she probably believes I am only a phone call away, I can't abide that, I need her to see me as I am now, completely able to enjoy my life without her, honestly I can laugh again, and I can go out, I'm planning good times very soon and I guarantee she won't ruin them for me, If I could convince her that I was getting married I might try it, I need some pretense to communicate with her, or something to lure her into contacting me. I hate games but she played them mercilessly with me and I deserve the opportunity to show her what I can do when I am in control instead of her. I needed to suffer to know what I was taking for granted and the same must be true for her, she smothered her suffering with petty arguments and new romance, I tasted the full draft of my suffering and I drank long, now it is time to share. I don't really want her to suffer I just want to take away her ignorance, if she knows how good she could have it she'd come running back to me.

She doesn't love me any less because of the pathetic way I acted when she broke up with me, she just lost attraction, and it was at a time that she was playing the field, the main reason she left me was for somebody else, and she didn't want to wait for me, I know that it sounds like she doesn't love me because she didn't believe in me, but who could blame her, I was a no good for a while and when I came here to change I kept writing her and whining like a loser. So when any reasonable guy comes along, (who happens to be the kind of guy with lots of girlfriends and appears to be an non macho alpha male, who is just her type) of course she has doubts. What was I doing to reassure her that I was growing, nothing at the time, and by the time I was it was too late, she was hung up on the next man. So we both failed to keep the relationship together, she had help though, her girlfriend whose actions often resemble a pimp's, and a lot of bad history with me, now I failed because I forgot that she was in a stressful situation, panicking because she suddenly found herself alone, and also nervous about her final exams, she clung to me at first, but I neglected her, because I was in much deeper trouble than her. If she failed med school she'd just repeat the last year, which was not very hard, and it wouldn't cost her a thing except for the time, because the Hungarian government pays for all citizens to get their first degree for free, even doctorates. If I messed up I'd most likely starve to death or be in poverty inflicted debt for the rest of my life and I'd never be able to return to Hungary. She had a support channel of friends and family, I had an estranged family and some seriously lazy friends that could listen but do very little to entertain. Now I'm diong much better and seeking ways to better my image, and enhance my life. She is just doing the same old thing, she is taking care of her new boyfriend, helping him find a bed, a new apartment, and thinking he is so sweet and he doesn't take her for granted like I did. Gee I guess no other guys are perfect during the first few weeks/months of a relationship, just wait a while... but in a way he is using her, she loves it though, he can't speak the language, and he needs help to survive there, so did I but I had no friends or a job, he has both so why does he need her to help him with this? There doesn't have to be a reason, she doesn't think about it! All she knows is "he treats me better than my ex did"

By the end of this year I'll be able to take care of myself there and I'll go back to learn hungarian so I won't need her help, I don't want to get into a pissing contest with the guy, but she started it with her inane comparisons.

But we'll see what's what when I show her that I've been standing on my own two feet since she left me. I don't need her to take care of me, I won't take her for granted if only she is loyal, I made some serious changes and I know that she will pick me over him as long as I can get back to her and show her all this, but why can't I show her now, because actions speak louder than words, and time will tell if I am truly capable of all I claim, well I don't need to wait, I know it now, and I'm doing it. Why should he have a chance to build his reputation while I'm actually working to change and all she has of me are sad memories and pity for a man that doesn't exist anymore?

Sure she has good memories but obviously not enough to keep her from hopping into bed so soon after I left, and she has downgraded them and lied to herself to paint an even uglier picture of me, just to make it easier for her to find another man, easy right? She doesn't have to feel bad about not wanting to be alone if she makes me out to be worse than I really was. I don't want to wait for her to break up with her new boy toy, I want her to compare now. He's only known her for 2 or 3 months, that doesn't amount to a lot, I've got 2 years with her and even the bad times are enough to make her think twice about leaving me, now I've got 4 months of training that prove I can stay afloat and even start sailing without her help, I could even honestly say that she made things more difficult here than they had to be, it got easy for me right when she left, and I'm lucky because if she left me earlier I might have really messed up and gone back to Hungary, because I would have given up. I know that I can accomplish what I set out to do, who do I get her to see that!? There has to be a faster way. I won't leave her behind, I am going to be happy with or without her, I want to bring her with, if only knew it would be so easy.

I have an idea... Send her the link to this forum... and your posts. If it doesn't show her exactly what you are, then nothing else will. She'd see your struggles. Your heart. Yes, she's see the ugly side of everything, but she would also see exactly what you are feeling.

(Of course, in my own situation, I'm not sure that I'd be able to take my own advice... I'm not sure I want "him" to read what I've posted and see my heart opened to strangers... but, for what its worth... )

On second thought, I don't know if that would be good... I know that you will ultimately decide the right thing to do in your singular case... but, I applied my own advice to my own situation and I know that personally, I wouldn't take it.

Wish I had all the answers for you, hon... but this literary mind can only do so much.

I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm pretty certain that in her state she would see my relying on strangers for support as weakness. And even though it is anonymous I think she would be mortified that I made some of these things pseudo-public. Besides it might take her days to read all of it, she reads a little slow in Hungarian it takes her forever to read in English.

Yeah, I kind of came to that same conclusion for my situation. I wouldn't really want my "him" to read all of our "stuff"... Even though it has been one of the most cathartic, wonderful outlets for my own personal struggles. I've connected with people that have truly helped me, and I've been able to create my own pearls from the words that I have typed to others.

Well, I hope you find that answer for your questions. You deserve it.

I think the best solution is unfortunately, waiting. I think the answer will present itself to me in time, I can't influence her now, because no matter how ready I am, she is still not ready. So I'll just keep being strong and keep waiting, and I'll learn how to suffer less with each day that passes. I think that is the only way to really prove to her and myself that I can keep going without her, if I keep struggling to speed things up I'm only proving that I'm impatient and unsure.

Thanks in advance for not being to critical the next time I write in demanding suggestions for how to get her attention.

Your welcome in advance.

Just remember that you're SO worth happiness... and an Aston Martin... or a Top Gun worthy bike... ;)

I felt like saying this, the increase in her ability to disappoint me does not diminish my love for her, or my belief that she can be a continuous positive influence in my life, just like with your pearls, each time she cuts me I grow a little, and it's funny but even though I get angry it doesn't change the way I feel about her, I still love her and I'm sure that no matter how much I grow, how strong I get, I will still forgive her and I will still have the patience to wait for her to see that.

Every moment she doesn't return my affections I grow stronger and I learn more about myself. And I'm happy because I know that I can keep doing that even after she comes back, because I found what was missing in my life, and it wasn't her, it was that part of me inside that wanted to be a man and it finally came out.

What I continue to believe is that I got ahead of her on the road of life, I was far far behind but now, I find myself waiting for her to catch up. I won't stop but I might slow down a bit to wave her on.




For a while now I've had a strange idea about making a short film about a day in my life, sort of a documentary. I suppose it was inspired by my desire to show her my progress, that idea keeps coming back, I'd like to to it for myself. And of coarse I would love to share it with her. If only I could find a good camera man...

I should do it myself, but I'm not sure how I could pull it off, I've got a video camera, and a decent digital still camera that can take short movies, and it has a very large memory card. I work in a warehouse for UPS and I don't think they would really like me bringing cameras into work. I'd also have to get my film equipment registered so that I could prove that I didn't steal it from some random package.

Maybe if I said it was for some college project I could talk them into letting me film during my shift.

I should really start thinking about this more. But I've got a lot of other things to do, like my homework for example, that due tomorrow, and I've got a math test that I have no idea how I'm going to pass.

*sigh*

Some times life is hard, but it's interesting how all my problems seem like so much fun when I just think that all of them are so silly compared to wanting the one you love to share in your overcoming them.

Hey homesick! How you doing lately? Still moving onward and upward?

I'm hangin in here, I had a pretty bad day yesterday, I finally have something else to really worry about, I did pretty bad on my college math test, I got to buckle down and study this week, and keep studying for the rest of the semester, I won't let myself mess up just because I can't stop thinking about her. My college counselor said something to me a few weeks ago that I thought was pretty brilliant, "you cannot be destroyed by just one person" while it's tempting to think that in a way I can be and in another way the person I used to be was destroyed by her, I believe that it's true and I won't let her destroy me.

I told my mom about this and she made another good observation, it's not just one person's actions that are tearing me apart, it's two, she played her part and I'm just finishing what she started if I keep torturing myself. And I'm the only person that can stop that.

It's a rough beginning but I hope I am seeing the light now, and if I keep my head on straight I'll see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Quote:

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it's not just one person's actions that are tearing me apart, it's two, she played her part and I'm just finishing what she started if I keep torturing myself. And I'm the only person that can stop that.

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You have a very wise mom, make her proud. (she is already, no doubt)

Every time I think that I've gotten through this, I try to live my life, but I can't.

I keep going back to her in my mind, and my plan seems destined to failure, I won't change the way I feel about her, and I won't change the way I feel about suicide, I will always be too afraid to end my life, I'm almost certain that it would make my suffering worse.

I live in fear every second that I can't do what I want to do, or that I can't do it fast enough. I want to believe that she will fall in love with me again, but I can never know that for sure, no matter how much I say it.

I don't need her in order to live, but I don't have a reason to live without her. I honestly believe that I love myself and that I am good enough for her, so I must be good enough to live and be happy right? I can't see how I can do it. No matter what I try I'm defeated by my disappointment in people, and my desperation to get back to the only one who I never wanted to quit trying with. I never gave up hope even when she told me she didn't love me. When we started sleeping separately. When I left, when she told me she wasn't mine anymore, when she told me she preferred the company of others, when she told me there was no going back, I never stopped loving her, and know I never will, I wish for death or a miracle, both are welcome because I'm tired of pretending to live without her.

I can't bear the pain of her doing all the things that she wanted to do with me with somebody else. I wanted those things, I still want to do those things, I wasn't strong enough to take what I wanted, I only settled for the pittance that I knew. Now I know so many of the secrets of happiness, but I'm not skilled, she has the power to attain these simple things in life, I can only perform as long as I don't think of her or as long as she is near me.

My existence has become dependent solely on what I can do to align myself with her again, and what information I can acquire about her. I'm obsessed, I've become a stalker, and she'll never love me the way I am now, no matter how much better I am, I'm still a parasite, I have my own fuel, but I'm not growing, I'm sucking my own life out by trying to get back into hers.

All I want is a psychotic plan to trick her into calling me, or thinking about me. I need to pull her strings. All the words that I ever said that made her fall in love with me in the first place are useless now, and there are no more words that could make her remember the old love or discover the new one that is waiting. I need to shock her into seeing how we fit together.

I'm perfectly aware that she doesn't think that she is lacking me, but when she sees me she will know that we are complete when we are together, and no matter how many movies, concerts, plays and parties she goes to with him, she will never feel the way she did when she went with me. And she needs to be reminded that I am going to be the best.

It can't be up to her to call me, because she doesn't have the courage to go back for love, all she has is her friendly nature, and her collection of old boyfriends, they all want her back in one way or another, but she wasn't lying when she told me I was different from all of them.

I keep telling myself the lies, that's why I don't get angry at her. But she doesn't call. She makes more plans with him, she doesn't look back to me, she doesn't even write to me about my things, I don't care what the reason that she doesn't call me is. I only care that she doesn't have a clear sight of me, she doesn't know how hurt I am, or how weak I am, or how strong I would be if she came back. I'm so good at pretending to be what she needs when she isn't here that I must be able to do it 1000 times better when she is with me.

I'd rather live a lie, loving her for all her horrible beauty than go on.

If she is not as wonderful as I believe she is than I don't believe a person exists that could be what I imagined she was. I'm better off fooling myself with her than wasting my life searching for somebody that doesn't exist.

Puh-lease, your prose is great, your logic is FLAWED. Your feelings are real, but your actions are UNREALISTIC. Your coping skills are NON-EXISTANT right now. In simple terms you are STUCK, and that is not HEALTHY. Get some help.

Only I can make myself stop wanting her. I just don't see how anybody can help me do that.

What happened to everybody being so sure she would call me after a while of no contact. All the reasons are still there, the new boyfriend is the only real reason she isn't calling.

I'm not interested in getting myself help unless somebody wants to help me figure out what I'm going to say to her when she calls me.

If she acts like she just wants to return my things I can't act the same way as if she calls just to do reconnaissance because she wants to change boyfriends again. Ha, I know that's not going to happen why would she change back to the sick boy that's across the ocean. She'll change to somebody new and keep breaking hearts, but what about my stuff?

How do I Get her to talk to me without sacrificing the only advantage I have. I need to tilt the playing field, for all I know she could think that I'm even more miserable than I really am, but if I call her she'll know I'm still missing her, if I don't there is a chance that she will think I don't miss her enough to call her. If I can make her see that I'm doing as well as I am, or maybe even a little bit better than I actually am, then I have a chance.

The way things are now, she will never consider getting back together with me, I need the kind of help that can change that.

Somebody tell me how to get her to consider visiting her aunt in California, somebody tell me how to make her curious about me enough to check out my social network web pages and see how much better looking I am now, and of coarse also see some strategically placed photos of me at parties, with another girl/s, doing awesome things, being happy without her, etc.

I never changed my goal from getting her back. I never actually decided that I wanted to be happy without her, I realized that I could be, but so far I have only been able to do it for a short amount of time.

So my plan remains, "Be the best I can be right now, without her. Live for myself. When the time is right charm her into falling in love with me again."

I know that I should just skip step three, and that I shouldn't even think about it until I can do the first two steps, and some people will tell me to forget about step three altogether. But I'm just not capable of that right now, and I am a stubborn person, if I am ever capable of changing that I may still decide not to.

She still wasn't sure that she wanted him over me before, I still had opportunities to show her I was changing as long as she agreed to keep talking. I deprived myself of any opportunity to call her without appearing weak when I said goodbye. Now that her brother has told me that her Internship in Hungary has not materialized, I know that she is seeking work, and I'm fairly certain that she is not looking very hard, because she would rather spend her time at leisure with her new boyfriend. If somebody could appeal to her to explore her options again, there is a small chance that she will think about coming to America, because a new doctor with no student loans can make a lot of money in the States and that would rule out her reservations about taking advantage of her parents financial assistance. If she started thinking about working in America, then I would have a golden opportunity to prove myself.

I believe you are investing too much time and dignity in attempting to prove yourself to this girl friend. I believe your are taking the 'simple' and making it 'complex'. You need to give the rest of the world an opportunity to be involved in your life; there are lots of people to know and over half of them are female. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I don't think it is proper to have a goal of getting someone back. It is like driving your car backwards in a freeway using your rear view mirrors.
You said: "So my plan remains, "Be the best I can be right now, without her. Live for myself. When the time is right charm her into falling in love with me again."
You need to delete, "... charm her into falling in love with me... " That ain't the way it works, IMOP.

I think about a week ago I thought like you and had exactly the same outlook on life. However, I came to realize that obsesing about something that is way out of your hands will only get you to have a mental breakdown. I'm only a month into my breakup and around 25days of no contact.

I too want my ex back even though she is with someone else, but I'm not going to do anything about it because she left me. She choose to end it not me. If I did anything at all to have her come back to me it wouldn't be true love. She would leave again after a while and I'm back to square one.

Think about it bud; you are going through what a lot of us went through at one point in time. You have to want it to get better and actually mean it. It seems that everything you're doing you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Nc isn't to bring your ex back as you and I and many others would like to believe. Nc is for you and you only. Its so you can heal and if its meant to be once you are all better maybe just maybe she would want you back.

To tell you the truth no matter how much I love my ex I don't want to be the backup plan to her. She gets to go out and explore while I wait? That! This is my life and I am worth something... You need to tell yourself that too.

I'm not healed by no means but I'm also not in that bad position like I was 2 and 3 weeks ago. Life goes on and you have to see all this as an experience and a reason to live and survive it. That's the only way you'll get better bud. You need to snap out of it and live! No girl will want you in the condition you are at.

Good luck to you

R

I understand all of this, I know that it's true. I want to believe that I'm good enough to be happy but I don't want to believe that there are other women out there. I have looked for years, and she was the only one I found that was worth anything. I know I'm still young, but I fell for lots of girls only to find out they weren't any good. She was the first and only that I could actually have a conversation with for more than a few weeks, and after 2 years we could still talk and laugh, and if only I hadn't been so messed up we could have been going out and making love and doing all the things that we wanted in life.

All the other girls that I fell in 'love' with I found out all to quickly that they weren't really what I was looking for. I found somebody to replace them very quickly. Even though I didn't have the confidence to actually replace them with somebody that wanted me, I just picked a new girl to idolize and put on a pedestal, so far I haven't found anybody that is in the same universe as her, so how can I replace somebody that I actually love? I could replace plenty of girls that I was just obsessed with, or that I liked a lot, or that I just wanted to have sex with.

I can't replace her with anything, not even anything inside of myself.

Every flaw that I find in her to try to make it easier to let her go doesn't help, it just makes me think about how I could help her overcome her weaknesses, I have an unconditional capacity to forgive her, whether I fully comprehend how she has sinned against me.

Even when I do reach a full understanding of how she has wronged me, I still hold onto my love and I accept that she is not perfect, I remember that when we talked about love we agreed that it's not about perfection, it's about improvement.

I can't fix mistakes I made in the past, and I can't make her love me by referring to the past either. I am trying to accept that she will never love me again no matter what I do, but my mind and heart rebel at the thought. Because I know that when she is with me, I become what she desires, it's not a conscious decision on my part to cater to her, it's what naturally happens to me, and it feels good. It's not about being wanted by her, it's about liking what I am when I feel that way, and it's about loving who she is when I affect her.

I can honestly say that I don't love who she is now, she is weak and unfaithful, she is not true to herself, she is even a little bit vengeful, but I know that if she gave me a chance, I would make her a better person, and we would both be happier about who she is. I know that she loves the man that she saw inside of me, she can't get rid of that love, it will never go away, and it will never get weaker, but she stopped believing in that person, that is why she settled for someone that was nearby. I tried to tell her before that the man inside of me was coming soon, but she didn't believe me, now I took away any hope she might have had, because I told her that he was going away. That man won't come unless she wants him to, I want to be that man, but it's not enough if only I want it, what can I do with that person, that man is not meant to be alone.

In order to be who I want to be, I need her. Hoping and waiting might make me something better than I am now, and letting go might make me something better than I am now, but nothing will make me as good as her desire for me to be something better. I won't be convinced otherwise.

I was hopeful last week because I had a potential date in the works and a social event to attend, I've lapsed into despair because the social event was a let down, the people in attendance were a mostly disappointing. I must be a snob because people constantly irritate me, I never seem to think that they are good enough to enjoy my company. Sure they like me and if I'm in a reasonable mood I can spin a tale and keep their attention for a while but it always boils down to them trying to top it in the end.

When I tell a story I'm not trying to suggest that any story the listener could tell is not as interesting, but that seems to be what most people are thinking when they try to share theirs.

I was looking forward to having a good time, and I did for a while but it just broke down until finally I didn't want to be around half of the people there anymore because they were boring and shallow. The rest went to another event that I was interested in but I didn't have the means to go along with them. I got so depressed that I gave up any other opportunities for new experiences that night.

The girl is another story, I'm still holding out for next week, but our schedules conflict, she works during the day I finish work right when she starts around 9am. Plus I have classes during the day so I must go to sleep very early in the evening. It's difficult to arrange a meeting when I go to bed right around the time that she would most likely like to do something. This weekend it isn't possible to meet up because she has gone on a trip.

So I still have my miserable life in tact, I maintain optimism, but I am continually let down.
At least when I was a pessimist I was pleasantly surprised once in a while.
I keep trying to occupy myself with my responsibilities and pleasant diversion, but I persist in using my loneliness to halfheartedly perform my tasks and to mope around when I should be having fun.

I don't have any accomplishments yet. Only opportunities that continue to fall through. I had a rough day last week because I failed a math test, small wonder because aside from my hectic life with little to no time to study, I continue to burden my mind with my ex and thus prevent myself from focusing at all.

Of coarse I could bottle up my emotions and stop posting here 10 times a day...
Maybe I'd have a little more time to study then. I can be a pretty useless person sometimes.

Oh well it's all up to me, nobody's going to give me the magic ticket out of here.

I keep trying to distract myself from her. My life is complicated enough without her popping in to my head every 5 seconds.

Is there a secret to getting her out?

I used to hate Mondays, but now I believe that Saturday is the worst day of my week. All this time, and I don't have the power or the choices to use it in a healthy way.
Today has been so insane, it hasn't felt this intense in so many days, I can't believe how I can go from pure denial one minute to acceptance the next and then twisting through all the anger and depression in greater intensity than I have felt since the beginning. All of this in the coarse of one or two hours. I am doing everything I can in order to cope. I'm trying to focus on my studies, or finding a counselor, or solving some of the other problems in my life, for example I can't log onto my college class, and I'm frustrated because I can't call tech support for it on the weekend. There are a lot of things that I don't have time to do all week but I can't do them on weekends because of regular business hours. I see my house of cards collapsing as soon as something like this happens because it's is so weak already that as soon as a little problem appears, it all seems hopeless, and I feel a stronger urge to call her than I ever have before.

So I reach out to my support channels, and all I get is four rings and a voice mail box from each one. I post here and it just gets me worked up. Math homework seems like a suitable distraction, but how long until the demon crawls back into my brain? Honestly, as riveting and exciting as algebra is, who doesn't think that a complex relationship problem is a more interesting problem to try to solve?

Once again I know what I'm supposed to do but I can't imagine how I will be able to keep this up. It drains me daily, I go a couple days without crying and then I fog up my car windows with my hoarse shouting and weeping. I still haven't slept for an entire night, I think four hours is the most I've been able to keep my eyes closed, I sweat so much that my sheets aren't damp, they are actually wet when I wake up. My eating habits aren't anorexic anymore, I eat like I'm trying to fill a void, and I hurt from eating too much and then having nothing for long periods.

No matter who I talk to I always come up with the same answers from myself. My circular logic draws me back down this painful path, and I refuse to change the way I think. I take a detour here and there, but I always drift back to the center of my frustration.

And the little voice says 'Call her. She will make everything all right.'
I rage at the thought, 'I know better, she'll think I'm a weakling, I can't let her see me this way.'
'But you can explain everything to her, she'll understand... ' the little voice persists.
'It doesn't matter what I say, it seems far to likely that she will only hear my pleading voice, trembling under all my strong assertions. I don't know for certain what she thinks of me our how she would react to my call out of desperation, (no matter how justified), but it isn't worth the risk'

It goes on and on, I've gone too far down the road of no contact to turn back now. I even doubt that statement. What if my being to proud to call her is keeping her distant? That could be all the more reason for her to invest her time in the other man instead of trying to keep her hold on me. I over analyze, I tie myself in knots with the frantic calculating.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by homesick

Oh well it's all up to me, nobody's gonna give me the magic ticket outta here.

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Darlin,

You hold the golden ticket inside yourself. Inside your own head and heart. No one (not even this girl) can be that golden ticket for you.

I'm so sorry that you're still wrestling with the roller coaster emotions... but I completely understand.

Do you really think that this girl is the angel that you make her out to be? I mean, you've said all of her faults and mistakes, but all I'm getting is the "essence of her divinity" that causes you to beat yourself up in constant over-analyzing and calculating.

I hate to appear harsh (because I've been involved with one of those "divine creatures" and know EXACTLY how hard it is to believe their humanity), but once you realize that she is not divinity-in-a-nifty-package, worthy of your worship, you will be cured from all of this heartache.

No, let me rephrase that. Heartache is not cured. It is mended. Your heart will still be broken, but the heartache that you are putting yourself through will begin to heal... and that pearl will begin to emerge.

It's a brand new week. Go find your Wonka bar and grab hold of your Golden Ticket.

Cause remember... "Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

(Ok, probably WAAAAY too many cultural references for one comment, but oh well... I was never one for holding back! ;) ) Keep your chin up, homesick.

I know that I sound like a wishywashy person. I am going through cycles of emotional ups and downs. But with accepting the notion that I may never get her back, I also have to face the reality of my situation here. I wanted to paint a beautiful picture of how wonderful my life is going, and no doubt I have made progress but it's no walk in the park just yet, I have problems just like everyone else, and I choose to face them with the added burden of unrequited love. Yes that makes my life harder, yes I know most people think that it's stubborn or foolish or pitiable, some don't think it's such a crime but most of them tell me it will pass, and I'll find the strength to let go a day at a time. But a few of the crazies tell me that I just might love her enough to get her back, but love is not enough. They also say, that she'd be crazy not to want me back someday. I tend to agree because not only do I have enduring love for her, but I have drive, ambition, intelligence, and patience. And above all I have a plan. But plans are made to be changed, or improved upon.





In as simple a way as I can put it, the more she knows about me, the more likely she will want to know more, and she will desire me again.

Right now I don't know what her interest level is, but judging from my track record it's pretty low, and even if isn't dropping, her new boyfriend is not helping the situation.

My first plan of action is being carried out, build myself up. Can't do much more to make that go any faster, I'm working, I'm studying, I'm doing the best I can, and I'm pretty darn proud of how that's coming along, I wish it would go a lot faster, but I'm just a man not a miracle worker.

My next intention is to piqué her interest again, now as we all know, any attempt on my part will only appear to be an act of desperation. Even if I try to play it down it is doomed to failure because I am absolutely not ready to enter the friend zone with her.

So along with my genuine desire for self improvement I intend to make calculated records of all the positive things in my life and publicize them. I'll continue to do this until such time that I have determined how to maneuver this evidence of my recovery, and succession to her unsuspecting eyes. Once that happens she doesn't have to worry about getting my hopes up again for a new start with her, she'll see that I'm doing just fine without hanging on to her apron. Her curiosity will get the best of her, and she'll come up with some mundane reason to call me.
I have no doubts that if she sees my unleashed potential at work all sorts of flaws will magically appear in her new romantic interest and I will start to look like one very sorely missed opportunity.
Then she will have her opportunity to prove herself. I'll go easy on her, because as you all know I love her, and that is not bound to change soon. But I won't make it too easy for her, once she knows my true value I want her to show me that she is willing to make sacrifices for me. Not like she did before, when I was sick she could tell herself she stayed with me out of pity or because it was not convenient find a new man when I was living in her home. Now she will have no way to hide the fact that she will return to me out of pure desire, not convenience.

Well, as I said a few posts back, You have a unique, literary kind of love. And, I commend you for it. It's a beautiful thing to behold. Unconditional love...

I truly hope that your happy ending is exactly what you wish it to be... but, in an attempt to fashion that beautiful happy ending, don't forget about making the journey beautiful as well...

I can honestly say that my plan is kind of sick.

I am trying very hard to enjoy my time alone, and appreciate the man I've become, I want to reward myself for being so strong, and patient, but instead I drive myself into fits of horrifying doubt and frustration because my unconditional love is not returned, and I am acutely aware that the woman I love is giving herself to another man. I have no way of knowing how often or if she is building a relationship with him, and I am aware that to some extent she is disrespecting me, I also know that I've made many excuses for her, but I believe that the past is relevant. I did tell her she could be with other people, with the full knowledge that she did not believe she was in love with me anymore. It doesn't matter if it was her that originally brought up the idea of me being with other women, I did not have to accept it, it may have been tempting, but I know now that I never wanted it, I may have believed when I was still deep in my addiction, but now I see that I didn't want anything of the kind, I don't want sex, I want love.

Another excuse I made for her is all my failings in the past, but I've been over them and I can accept that it is too much to ask somebody to be alone when they've stopped believing you can change. I forgive her for losing faith in me, I didn't give her anything to go on until it was too late. But there will always be another chance, most people believe that 2nd chances are rare, but I believe that we make our own opportunities.

I can't blame her for anything now because we've both said our goodbyes, and she just might think that I'm not coming back. In a way I'm not, a better version of me is coming.

I made her forget the way she felt about every man she had ever been with, I can do it again, even if one of those men is me.

I still have hope.

I think that my dad may have even thought up a crazy plan to help me get her back too. Which really surprises me because he seemed totally against it, and was encouraging me to call her just to let her know two things, 'I'm OK, and I still care."
I explained to him the logic of the Ask Me Help Desk philosophy and how that would hinder more than help, and he came around partially, but he insisted that I can't be sure of how she will react to anything, he's right about that.

So it's up to her now if she wants to call me. It's up to her boyfriend to see how long he can keep her distracted. And it's up to me to see if I can keep my life together and maintain the appearance of a well rounded guy until she calls or until I can let her go.

Here, homesick, is some additional reading for you. Maybe it covers some issues from a different perspective: How to Get Over Your First Love

I appreciate that.

I was mostly aware of everything this article said, I can tally up the things I'm doing right and the things I'm doing wrong, but it helps to put things in perspective.

I am doing things that are only for me. That's good, but even if I do them for me I know that they are things that she would have appreciated in the past, and probably will be impressed by in the future, that may be bad, but it feels good anyway.

I have taken her off the pedestal. That's good, but I never expressed this too her, I should let that go, but I'm not able to yet. I forgave her before I thought about it long enough to understand what she did. That's bad.

I cry, oh man I have cried a lot. Every other trip I take in the car I scream and yell until I can't anymore, I don't know if that's good or bad.

I listen to lots of music, love songs, sad songs, happy songs, and some rockin songs just because.

I buckle down and take care of business. I should work on that a bit more though...


I'm cutting myself off from the extended forms of contact with her.




But even though I'm doing all these right and wrong things, one fact remains that is not solely my decision.

What was between us is not complete. We have business to take care of, like my possessions, and such. But the bigger issue to me is that the relationship did not run it's course, we hit a detour and had to split up, by all accounts that does not mean that we can never be together again. She said she didn't want to get back together but I said, 'we'll never get back together.

Things always change, and I hope that in this case time is my friend.
A year can change a whole lot of things. I choose to continue believing that I will win in the end, and that will make her the real winner.

I'm debating with myself for what issue I want to address, I can try to stop being jealous and let her go until I'm prepared to fight with everything I've got. Or I can try to pull strings until I get her back on my frequency. In my opinion both of these solutions will be difficult in undertaking but they are in essence the same, the only difference is timing.

I'm a girl who was you... got married to my first love who dumped me many times for no particular reason while we were dating over 5 years. I always begged and begged until he took me back every time. We divorced and I still begged. I tried to move on, and dated other people, but whenever he wanted me, I made myself available to him. I always did anything he wanted and all the time he was with someone else behind my back. The last straw for me was when he came to my house and we "made love" and afterwords he told me he was on his way "out" on a date. I realized then that he was only using my care and passion for him to get what he wanted and that how "I felt" meant absolutely nothing to him... I made up my mind that very day that I would never never ever give myself to him again - not my body, not my mind, not one wasted moment thinking about him and me together again, and I haven't. It was actually a much easier decision to make than I thought it would be. I spent 10 years trying to make him love me... those were the wasted years in my life. Now I have spent the last seven years learning how to love myself and they have been the best seven years of my life. Unexpectedly, I found someone who loves and appreciates me just the way I am, and I have never in my life felt more love - I definitely never thought I would ever love anyone as much as I did my ex, but this is a million times more intense and beautiful than it ever was with him. I still have to see my ex weekly because we have a daughter together and live in the same town, but I don't feel anything for him but pity. Just an FYI... he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that. And I'm OK with that now. I don't want him back and I don't him to validate for me anymore. I know I am better off without him... You will be too... I just hope that it doesn't take you 10 years to move on like it did me.. . my advice... don't be actively searching for a replacement Miss Homesick... that will come when you least expect it... you should join a gym, take a karate class, cooking class, guitar lessons, join a pool league or dart team... anything that you enjoy or haven't tried before that will give you something to look forward to going to each week where you can meet people who enjoy the same types of things you enjoy... I met my new guy playing on a pool league... I had been playing for 3 years before I met him, but we hit it off right away and have been together ever since... got married 5 years ago and we just HAD to have a pool table at the reception... yes I played pool in my wedding dress... it was unforgettable. :) Best of luck to you homesick!

tnt76 writes: "Just an FYI...he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that." What a sad prospect, but maybe if you cross paths in the old folks home, it will occur to him.

I hope I don't sound like I am not really paying credit to your advice, I am. I know that I sound like so many other people here that persist in believing that their situation is unique, and that the one they love is different, but I have so many valid reasons to believe that she is different. She wasn't 100% honest with me I admit that, but fear makes us do crazy things for the people we love, I wasn't honest with her in the past, because I was afraid she would reject me, but I was proven wrong, she didn't leave me when I finally told her the truth about my past. Because she had a vision of our future. A future where I would overcome my past and be a better man.

I'm honoring the faith that she had in me for that year, maybe I won't after a year has passed but I'm holding on until then just the same.

I don't want somebody that loves me just the way I am, I want somebody that cherishes every step I take towards being better. She is that person, she loved me more every time I did something that made me a better person in my own eyes. While we we're together every single thing that I did for myself made her more proud to be my woman, sometimes I changed for her, but 99% of the time, any improvement I made to myself came from my own heart and it made her swoon with affection for every way that I grew more confidant and happier with myself.

That is love.

We failed each other, but love is what makes people try again. I believe that she is worth another chance, because I never would have found out how wonderful a person I could be if she didn't see it first. She stuck with me a for a long time, even when she started to doubt that I could grow. I don't care what the reason she stayed with me was, I don't care if it was because she was afraid to be alone, or if she pitied me, I still think she deserves a chance to see what I've become and decide if she was right about me before. I love her now because I think she saw better than anyone else in the world how good I can be, and she reminded me that all I had to do was keep trying to be that person.

I am happy with who I am, but that won't last forever, I want to be better, and I don't want to settle for somebody that thinks I can't be better. I want to grow with somebody and sometimes growing hurts, but we're better for it in the end.

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
-- Kahlil Gibran --

There is nothing wrong with believing yours is a love that will conquer all in the end. There ought to be more people like you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by George_1950

tnt76 writes: "Just an FYI...he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that." What a sad prospect, but maybe if you cross paths in the old folks home, it will occur to him.

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It is sad for him (my ex) I think. For me, it is a triumph realizing that I don't need his "stamp of validation" to know that I am a beautiful person, and to know that I did everything I could have done to keep our relationship together. I'm just saying that if Mr. Homesick is waiting for Miss Homesick to come to the sudden realization that she was totally in the wrong and that she is buying a plane ticket to AZ, that she has made the hugest mistake of her life, well... he shouldn't hold his breath.
I wish I had a friend at that point in my life that was honest enough with me to tell me the same thing. Sorry homesick, if I say anything that hurts your feelings, I can see that you are a very sensitive person, I truly just want you to know that the end of a relationship never means the end of anything... sometimes it is just the beginning of something truly wonderful.

I agree with you, I never would have had the discipline to unleash my potential if I didn't have this fire lit underneath me. And I'm not waiting for her to magically realize what a mistake she made, because she doesn't have all the facts, I believe our moment will come when my work is laid out before her, If that is still not enough for her, I hope by that time I am strong enough to move on.

I have faith in you. I think you will be just fine, no matter what the outcome is. I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist or maybe a pastor or something. I did, and she really helped me to see that I needed to put my feelings first, that I needed to acknowledge them and understand them. It wasn't all advice giving or opinionated. I was surprised that she never once told me what to do or think. She just listened and asked questions that made me think about my situation. It really helped me put some perspective into my life that I didn't have before. I would go talk to her in a heartbeat if I ever had any trouble again. Most initial consults are free, so go talk to a few different ones and choose one who you feel comfortable talking to.

I feel like I'm learning what anger is,

I know that I passed denial a long time ago, I have tried to go through the steps of grief and I got them all mixed together, and I've tried like hell to avoid anger. Every few days it seems like I validate my reasons to be angry at her. Today I was raging because of things that I forgave her for already, they just seem to cut deeper all of a sudden. I was angry because she continued frivolous contact with me immediately after she told me she had been with other men, and she continued to agree to talk to me after she told me that she didn't want to be with me. Why did she do that, I know she can do better than that, I cannot believe that she just wanted to make sure I wouldn't kill myself. And now she is still not calling, but that's a mute point, what the hell do we have to talk about? I don't have the money to ship my things here, and anyway I don't want them back in America I plan on leaving here as soon as possible. And why would she go out of her way to ask me what she should do with my possessions, she has a guarantee that I will contact her again as long as she has all my things. The same should go for me, but it seems likely that the only reason she would contact me about that would be to tell me she needs to make room for someone else's things. That's a call I am dreading.

So I'm angry that she was still talking to me, and I'm angry that she's not talking to me anymore. HA HA

Is it really her that's confused or me...

So my point was this, I don't want to be angry at her. I know perfectly well that I have very good reasons to be angry at her, and I can make her appear in my mind as a thoughtless selfish, weak little mind-game-player. I even try not to make excuses for her anymore, but the fact remains that no matter how angry I get, no matter how badly she hurt me, I still love her and forgive her. I guess that I have to distance myself from her more because currently, my life does not have room for her. Studying and working are taking their toll on me, and I marvel over the fact that I haven't collapsed from the strain yet. So I am burying the extra weight that she has put on me, she'll have to wait, and if she calls now I just might have to tell her goodbye for real, because I can't take care of her now, I have my hands full.

Here is the ludicrous part, I finally set up a date this weekend with the girl I mentioned in earlier posts, she seems quite nice, if we hit it off I don't know what's going to happen though. Welcome to real life I guess.

I must admit that more than a small part of my motivation for meeting someone new is the notion that I might still be able to make a spark of jealousy from my ex. I have no idea how I could possibly accomplish that because we are not communicating anymore, and she has severed all of our ties with the exception of my possessions. But still, I'm ashamed that I partially intend to use a person for my own ends.

I also know that that is not my only motivation for seeking out this girl. I'm a sensitive person and I have a great deal of difficulty becoming intimate or even slightly personal with people unless I like them very much. There are exceptions of coarse, I constantly tell uncomfortably personal details of my life and relationship to people that I work with, I don't really know why, I think its because I don't concern myself with what they think because the majority of them will never leave their current position as manual laborers, while I will go on to an entirely different life once I finish college. I don't look down on people who choose to exist primarily as servants, I just think that I'm different from them because I want something more from my life than what they are satisfied with.

I do think that ambition is an admirable trait though, and it's one that I find many people lacking.

Well I hope that my true colors don't make anybody too angry at me, I'm just trying to get a feeling for how I really feel about my life. And I think I'm entitled to my opinion because I worked for every advantage that I have, I served in the army and that was not easy for me, and now I'm doing everything I can to make sure I don't have to break my back every day for the rest of my life just to scratch a few dollars together. I'm proud that I'm have the ambition to work hard for what I want and not to settle for what is easy. I am making a conscious effort to really see where I stand now that I don't base everything off her. My world can't revolve around her right? Of coarse she still has a great deal of lasting influence on me, and I am holding on to that influence with the stubbornness of a donkey, but I need to take a peak at my world without her in it once in a while right?

Darlin, your world "without her in it" is an unwritten book.

It's that "novel with the end ripped out" (Rascal Flatts song Stand).

It's that unknown tomorrow, just waiting to be lived.

It doesn't revolve around a person, but around a possibility.

It is covered in a glow of uncertainty, imagination, and opportunity.

Dive into it...

Can't wait to hear about your weekend plans! :)