George... thank you. I BELIEVE YOU when you say I will be fine... It is just really hard letting go for good. It is definitely like more of an addiction than I could ever have imagined... and like a drug or whatever... so bad for me... yet I keep wanting to go back for more.

I only hope that he is hurting too... (as vicious as that sounds... ) and that he is having a hard time coping too... I hope he already knows what he lost. I hope...

Any other thoughts?

You wrote: "yet I keep wanting to go back for more." I feel your pain, as they say. Some years ago I was a tobacco addict; it took many times, but the way I got free was by separating each smoke to where eventually I was smoking only 3 or for a day; it is a form of self-denial, much like NC. You make incremental progress and really are not aware of the progress until it happens. It has been 25 years since I smoked, but I would smoke a cigarette right now if it weren't so harmful and expensive. That is what my ex is: harmful and expensive (not talking about money); and I've managed to separate myself with NC, six weeks today. Even so, it feels like emotionally 'crawling', not walking; more like rehab. NC is like 'cold turkey'; lots of parallels. Be patient.

I am practicing NC as well... and I agree that it is the right way to go, even though it is SO HARD!

I just hope they are suffering too... I just hope.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by HurtingALot

I only hope that he is hurting too...(as vicious as that sounds...) and that he is having a hard time coping too.....I hope he already knows what he lost. I hope....

Any other thoughts??

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Well if it makes you feel any better, it's completely impossible for him to go from a long-term relationship, to not even thinking about it the next day. I was in a 2 month relationship, which was HORRIBLE (she got crazier and crazier everyday), and even when that ended, I thought about her almost daily for a week or two. I hoped she was OK and I hoped this and that. I didn't want to get back together with that psycho (hah), but I couldn't just rid her from my mind either.

I guarantee you that this guy in question constantly thinks about you as well. But will he change? Is he too selfish to change? Only time will tell. Time is your best weapon as long as you allow it to do its job!

If your gut is telling you its not right then its not right, he will tell you whatever you want to hear, and don't be naïve, if he could be so inconsiderate and say some of the things that he said to her in texts, what makes you think he doesn't want her, do you think he just sends texts just to send them?

Thanks again to all for their input.

Rob... thank you as well. But I need to retort. I don't think he was/is interested in this other person. If he were, why would he beg me to not leave him? I think he really liked the extra attention and didn't envision getting caught. He is just that selfish.

By the way... I am NC for 1 week and I am OK (not great, but OK.) And I am almost positive that his best friend contacted me for info. On where we stand... just a hunch, but I am pretty sure.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS NO MATTER WHAT!!

Yeah I hear you, its hard enough being in the military and being out in the middle of nowhere, I understand what its like to be crazy about someone. My wife and my daughter are the best things that ever happened to me, and without them I don't know where I would be. Well I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you in the end.

Thanks for the support. Everything really does work out the way it's supposed to in the end right? I have always had faith in this, but it is hard when your heart hurts so...

Yeah only thing that can heal that broken heart is lots of time, good thing I've grown older and had a second chance at life an marriage and having a family, you really learn to appreciate things when you get older :D

Any more thoughts anyone? NC NC NC NC... I am doing it... but it is hard. GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SELFISH JERK!

Wish I knew why I keep wondering what his NC is all about!! I am to stay away from him even though I'm the one who ended it, right? (Even though neither of us officially said the words... ) Think he's still waiting for me to contact first? I have in the past, for sure... (Seems like we are always playing this "game"... )

NC is personal for you; it doesn't matter who ended it or how. If you have in the past, then... you figure it out. Breathe slower... patience. You will be fine. What is your favorite hobby?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by HurtingALot

Any more thoughts anyone? NC NC NC NC.....I am doing it....but it is hard. GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SELFISH JERK!!

Wish I knew why I keep wondering what his NC is all about!!! I am to stay away from him even though I'm the one who ended it, right? (Even though neither of us officially said the words....) Think he's still waiting for me to contact first? I have in the past, for sure.....(Seems like we are always playing this "game"....)

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Stop playing the game, it ain't fun is it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by HurtingALot

Ok...so I'm back. I have been on the boards browsing this whole time, but haven't really posted, but here I am again. Long story short.....had a bf....for about 9 months, he said he needed a break. We broke up and I thought I would die. I suffered and made myself and everyone around me (and on this board) crazy. After about 3 weeks, we reconciled and have been back together since sometime in June. If you view my history posts, you will find that this relationship was never really good for me, but I always hung on thinking things would change (maybe he could see the light??)...blah..blah... So we've been back together and I thought things were going really great. He had made some changes, was def. more attentive, and our good times were really good. Fast forward to just a few days ago.....Let me reiterate that I thought things were going exceptionally well between us. We had made plans to spend New Year's together and we were both excited. He gets to my house and just because I am too curious for my own good, I browsed through his phone while he was outside. I was absolutely shocked to find that there were texts back and forth between he and this girl (I have no idea who she is...) that were inappropriate and hurtful to me.

I confront him and he freaks out, swearing that it is nothing, swearing that nothing has happened and it was simply innocent flirting. BEGS me to forgive him and give him one more chance and says "I don't want to lose you." Even calls my friend and begs her to tell me to not break up with him over this..."Nothing happened, it would be a stupid reason to break up, etc..etc."

Long story short, I cry ALOT and we end up spending the night together (No sex, I just couldn't....I was devastated.) The next morning I drive him home and he asks in the car "So is this really it?" I said I didn't know. He has tried to call once that evening, but nothing since then (I didn't answer).

Here's the thing.....I am really sad. This is normal, right? Anytime there is a breakup, it is sad, right? Even if it's for the best?

I just can't understand why he would do this.....He did say he met this girl one time (apparently she is a friend of a friend) and they went out as a foursome while I was away for Christmas. He said it was only that one time, and NOTHING happened, just the phone stuff since then.

My question, and I am sorry that this is so long, but I am really hurting (again) here.....If he was into someone else, would he beg for my forgiveness and agree to cut all contact with this other person?

Question 2: Can I really just end this already and move the hell on?? Why can't I stop craving this bad relationship? I am not a stupid person....I just don't understand. I know I am afraid of the heartache...but it is inevitable, correct? Better sooner than later?? I just don't know what to do.

And a final note...I think that I am okay with the breakup, and then BAM...the thought of him being with someone else comes in and I am a mess. HELP!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!

Any relpies would be so helpful.

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This hurt that happens with him won't end but the hurt you feel without him will. Do ANYTHING to keep your mind off this. Make a list of pros and cons about him and the relatinship. Do one about yourself and pick a place to start working on yourself. Read, ANYTHING. A good friend told me once to spoil myself. It doesn't mean spend all your money but do facials, your nails etc. Call friends go for a walk, find a hobby you like, talk to us on this site. But overall don't stay with someone if they treat you worse then they do their friends or family. If they are good to the people the love and care about they don't really care about you, if they are bad to these people they really have a problem. You were smart enough to ask for help so you must be a intelligent person. You hang in once time goes by this will get easier, you may always love him but you will find someone who loves you.

I agree that the hurt will probably never end if this thing continues. Yet I know in my head that it WILL end at some point if I just muster through the heartbreak. It is just tough.

This guy has like zero friends... (probably because he turns off anyone with a brain... Where is my brain when it comes to him? ) and isn't all that great to his own family.
Pretty telling I suppose.

I know I will get through this... but I am still having a hard time.

Any more thoughts, anyone?

How do you get away from someone who you know is just bad?

What do you do when your heart and your head CAN'T Agree??

So a great friend of mine works with him and she had to spend some time at a meeting with him yesterday. She said he looks and acts absolutely miserable. She said if she didn't know what was going on, she would have asked him if his dog had died!

I get some solace in the fact that he is hurting... is that awful?!

It's been 9 days NC and it is OK... not great, but OK.

It's just nice to know that he's not living it up without me. MAYBE he realizes what a complete idiot he is and what he lost in me...

Time to move on for me?

So a great friend of mine works with him and she had to spend some time at a meeting with him yesterday. She said he looks and acts absolutely miserable. She said if she didn't know what was going on, she would have asked him if his dog had died!

She should have asked him, 'What's up?"

I get some solace in the fact that he is hurting... is that awful?!

Not at all.

MAYBE he realizes... what he lost in me...

I hope you believe that because it is very important.

Time to move on for me?

Let's get to 90 days and reassess.

Thank you again for your replies...

George... I will make it to 90 days... (I sincerely hope.)
And more than anything... I do believe that he lost so much in me... I really do believe that and that I deserve better...

It is hard... It comes and goes... 90 days... here I come?!

I know in my head that I am the one holding the power (I think) since I have remained NC... but I still feel... Well... POWERLESS.

Why is this so hard?

1. Move on!!
2. It is normal to cry about it, but in the end you will find out it was best for the two of you to move on. I was stuck on a guy like that. He kept playing games and I just got tired of it. So now Im happily married with a totally different guy and he really appreciates what he has.

It is so hard I know I am going through a similar situation with my ex.. It feels like we are always playing mind games and he too is a selfish jerk. My advice is if you can keep with the no contact because if you do contact him you will feel good for a while but in the long run you will be worse of trust me it is better to have "power" in these situations. I gave in and contacted him and though I thought it was what I wanted I feel I'm back to square one now and I had made so much progress since the break up. It will definitely work out in the end though, it gives me comfort knowing that there is someone so much better out there because this is definitely not as good as its going to get. Also go on dates!I found this combined with no contact works really well

Thinking about sending a text that just says "I miss us"

Am I crazy? Need some help here...

9th day NC... Is it getting easier? Sometimes, I guess.

Still wondering why he's not calling... and what he's thinking... I already heard he is pretty unhappy...

Why is this so damn hard? I don't know what to think anymore.

Don't mean to repeat myself but I believe it is a form of addiction, a dependency, a mind-game. The only two cures I can think of are either a sedative or No Contact. It's kind of like relearning to walk, except the 'walking' is doing what is best for you and getting away from an expensive and possibly destructive relationship.

George... thank you again. You are so right about this being an expensive and yes, destructive relationship to me.

Day 9 of NC and I'm going to make it... It's just harder than others sometimes. Still wonder what he's thinking/feeling and hope it's JUST AS HARD FOR HIM. (Think I'm nuts? )

Like I said, I've always chased before, so I'm thinking that's what he's waiting for.

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal. There is no doubt in my mind that you love him very much and he loves you too. Its just that guys think differently than girls, they love, but they don't get attatched the way we girls do. Commitment is something a lot of guys don't even want to think about, so they feel being unfaithful isn't as terrible as most girls believe it to be. I am not saying this involves every woman and every man, but its usually the way it goes. I know too much about men mistreating women in my family, my sisters, aunts and mom have all been physically abused and mentally abused. It has nothing to do with them, it has to do with the men who have insecurity issues and blame their faults on their gfs. Your boyfriend is unfaithful to you because he probably feels badly about who he is already, it has nothing to do with you. I think there is somebody perfect out there for every single human being. You'll find someone!

Thanks for your reply. Though I don't believe he actually "cheated", what he did ruined any thoughts of how I think we could have continued... just so selfish and stupid. I think he really just liked the extra attention.

Whatever the case, I think you are right when you say it is in him and has very little to do with me... but it's still hard. It hurts so.

I know I deserve better... but I really do hurt.

So I'm doing all the right things... NC for 13 days so far... (Nothing from him either :( )

I am talking to someone else... (a good guy... second date tonight and plans for the upcoming weekend... )

Why is he still in my head so much? I wake up with that pit in my stomach... and switch from feeling pretty OK to REALLY awful throughout the day.

I wonder (all the time) what he's thinking... It's obsessive.

I wonder if he thinks we are truly broken up or just on another break so that things can cool down or whatever... (since we didn't officially say the words "It's Over" this time.)

I constantly wonder why he's not contacting me...

I promise I won't contact him... but want to know why it is so easy for him to let me go, if he truly has this time...

It's only been 2 weeks... but it feels like forever...

Input anyone? You've all been so helpful so far...

EuRa? What happened to you? Needing your thoughts!

I just want to be OK again... Heartbreak is the worst! I hope he is feeling it too...

Anyone??

Am I to assume that he is done since we haven't spoken? Even though we never "officially" broke up?

WHY THE HECK IS THIS SO HARD?!

You write: "I wonder (all the time) what he's thinking...." Need to stop this!
You write: "I constantly wonder why he's not contacting me...." My guess: he's decided it is in his best interest not to; can't know why.

I would call this a separation by time and circumstances. It resulted because he had other interests that you didn't approve of, and the relationship is expensive and destructive.

I think you are getting better, but just my opinion. You sound better.

You write: "Input anyone? You've all been so helpful so far...."

I know that what I have to do
Is get on with my life, but I can't take another day
I can't face another night, so I just take another breath
And let it go


From Kenny Chesney, "Someday I Might Get Over You"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by HurtingALot

I know in my head that I am the one holding the power (I think) since I have remained NC....but I still feel....Well....POWERLESS.

Why is this so hard??

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Like the others have said, NC isn't about having the power over someone, its about letting yourself move on. Its so hard because it seems you still want him pining over you and that if you continue with NC he might just forget about you and move on, no longer needing you. Well soon enough, with the help of NC, you'll be cool with that idea too.

Keep up the NC!!

So 14 days NC... (with the exception of one text message to him to ask him to thank his aunt for me for a gift she sent me... )

Am I feeling better? It depends on which moment of the day you ask me...

Everything really works out the way it's supposed to in the end, right?

I believe in fate and karma and all that stuff... but I need reinforcements on this.

I still miss him... and hope he is missing me. I am dating (kinda)... but it's still REALLY hard.

Guess I just want to know that what is meant to be will be... no matter what.

Thoughts anyone?

You wrote: "Guess I just want to know that what is meant to be will be...no matter what." Couldn't help but thing of this old song:

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Maybe music, and better music, will help.

I just feel mentally exhausted... Tired of the thoughts. Try to push them away... but they generally take over. USUALLY I can work through them... but sometimes better than others.

Wish there was a secret to detaching from my emotions, if even just for a little bit.

Hey George... think those lyrics are true? They've certainly been around for a long time!! I need to believe that "whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see..." etc.. etc...

Got to believe...

So I think I've found a way to at least somewhat emotionally detach so that I can get through this...

I have decided that it's just not worth worrying about stuff I am not in control of. I am only responsible to be the best that I can be... the rest is up to the powers that be.

I find some comfort in this... because I am definitely somewhat of a control-freak... and I spend a lot of time thinking about "What if....if he would only....etc...etc...."

Bottom line... I can't make anyone do anything. (Nor do I want them to if it's not coming from the right place.) I was the best I could be and gave my heart completely... the rest is up to whatever happens.

(In addition... I am making an appointment with a counselor my friend recommended to talk things through.)

This is so good, HurtingALot; you are exemplifying what NC is and does: a period of introspection and examination; a time of hurting and healing; it is a little bit like withdrawing from the fray and getting hold over things that are most essential. I don't really understand how we get so out-of-balanced when the relationship ends; some say it is a lack of mutuality; some say one of the partners has been committing a kind of fraud or encouraging a lie within the dumpee's heart. Thanks for sharing your encouraging insights.