Damn ey 13 crap, still a child. So glad our law here stops that, Unless both parents agree on it and even then the courts need a really good reason before accepting your application to allow it to happen... I know this because My guy wanted me to marry him when I fell pregnant with our first, I was so relieved when It couldn't happen, and then after our son was born that's when he become violent towards me I then told him I couldn't marry him and broke the marriage off but I still stayed with him and he proposed again in jan 07 5months after our second child was born, I didn't really want it but I said yes and he said he wanted a long engagement anyway so that was a huge relief... To me I don't think marriage is important and I don't ever really want to get married, My parents devorce has just been finalised, my mum is onto her 4th marriage now and my dad has been married twice, and even though they were together most of my upbringing, I not only have had to see them battle it out in caught with nothing but hatred for each other but watched many others around me do the same... My older brother is getting married to his new mrs and has custurdy to his 2 kids from his previous partner and just had a baby to her, and my older sister has 2 kids to 2 different guys, so you can see it's a cycle happening here with my family, and I think that's why I don't want to get married.
Im sorry to hear that you had a bad upbringing.

I agree with you about marriage. To me it is simply a Fornication Under Consent of the King licence. I suppose it has other benefits, but I don't think they're worth the risk. Please don't marry him.

Yeah that's one way to put it, Nah I won't be esp not any time soon, I really am leaning towards leaving him for good and moving on with my life so me and my kids can be happy.

Don't lean, give it all you got to escape this trap your in, need help, then get it, and get gone. That what I would tell my daughter.

Yeah I would prob tell my daughter just that too, I guess I'm just finding it a real struggle I know what I have to do but doing it is another thing I suppose you could say, but It will happen, and it will happen within the month.

Know this is a comfort zone conflict, because you've been together so long.

Don't be worried about your two boys handling not having "dad" around all the time. My mother split with my cheating "dad" after giving him 2 chances. I always knew she made the right decision for our little family. She did it with everyone saying to her, stick with it, he's your husband. By the way, this was in the 80's. She knew she couldn't live her life so horrible with someone who didn't care anymore. So she moved out of her house, leaving lots of her own things behind and started fresh. Later on in life, she found someone new, who treated her respectively and kindly. She remarried happily and they have been together for 15 years. Imagine if she stayed all that time with a cheating/liar jerk. That environment wouldn't of been good for me as a child.

Yeah well that's true... still sucks that you and your mum had to go through that though...
But I am glad to hear she found happiness in the end...

Sounds like Britney Spears before she divorced her husband!!

If you don't see the severity of your case, please refer to Britney's. Only difference is that Kevin probably did not beat his wife up and did not think she is wrong all the time.

I don't think you are in love. You are merely in love with the idea of "Love". Wanting a family, a man to cuddle up to when (and if) he returns home, liking the fact that you are now a mother etc.

Love does not tolerate physical and emotional abuse. Do not keep telling yourself that you are still in love. Because, my dear, you are not...

Haha I don't know the whole Britney Spears case, I don't follow media on those lines..
As for been IN LOVE well I believe I am, I Have been in long term relationships and not so long term relationships, My other long term was puppy love and lasted 2yrs the days he cheated I walked out the door and never looked back... But you still could be right, I am not saying your wrong, but the way I feel for this man is almost compaired to the Love I have for my own children that's how strong it is, Except nothing will compare to the love of my kids as they are my own flesh and blood and anybody who has had there own children would understand what I mean by that.. And yes I am young, I am only 20, (well for the next wk) but the thing is age shouldn't come into this either)...
No I am not getting defensive here sorry if it sounds that way...
lavenderly I appricate your honnest opinion... But can I ask why do you say Love does not tolerate physical and emotional abuse?

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But can I ask why do you say Love does not tolerate physical and emotional abuse?

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An azz kicking is not love, A black eye or fractured ribs is not love. Accepting those things is not love. It's a sick and twisted version of control ,manipulation and degradation, as is name calling, it's a character attack to subjugate and promote power by taking away some ones self esteem. Nothing to do with love at all, all about CONTROL.

BUt because he does that to me, it doesn't mean that I don't love him. Because I do.

Please,please move out on his terms, and after he is an hour away from you make it YOUR terms. He is a manipulative selfish childish man. You can certainly have a better life with him out of the picture.

Crispy chick , when you first met him how did you feel about his parents,siblings and extend family aunts and uncles? Is his mom and dad together?

Well he didn't know his mum back then, he's only found his mum in the past few months, but she's awesome haven't met her yet though... His dad when I met him, meh okay I guess, we get on okay but he's a real prick too... as for siblings same as his mum,

DO they know how he treats you... Does his dad treat his women like his son does?

Don't know how he treats him really, because he lives a fair way away, but he is a jerk and is emotionally abusive but not sure about physically my guy recons his dads never hit him in his life... but his dad is ill and has ms which can explain why he's verbally nasty...
HIs dad don't know how he treats me, I've told his mum a tiny bit and she says I shouldn't put up with it and stuff... but I can't tell her much because she is his mum after all and she don't even know him she hasn't seen him since he was 6

No, even if you told her everything it probably would not do much good. You think maybe he has a problem with all women because his mom wasn't around to help take care of him? Does he bad mouth women in general women can't drive, they are inferior to men that sort of talk?

Nah he's genreally really nice to all chicks, he acts to others how he used to act towards me when we first met

Kind of, caring, compassionate, loving you know all the great things that you won't in a bloke...

Yeah, he probably is on the surface until they do somehting that angers him. What does he do if a woman cuts him off in traffic, if a waitress does not get his order correct, if a woman in public generally pi$$es him off does he give her hell esp.. once he gets out of hearing range. Believe me no matter who he is with he is going to mistreat them. He may want you to believe that it is only you that he treats that way, but if there is another woman after you he will be the same with her as long as she sticks around and takes it.

True... Well, I know when were driving in the car and someone cuts him off he starts swearing and stuff and I get really annoyed about it and go off at him because I can't stand it... but that's all I really know since I don't get to see what he's like around others that much because I don't really go out, but those who I do see him around he just acts like the greatest man in the world, makes me want to cry because I want that man back

Crispy... really all of this is about what you are willling to put up with.
You see what life is like living with him, so you know what you have to look forward to are you willing to put up with a man treating you like that?

Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore, But then other times I tell myself love can concor all things and think I can live the rest of my life with him the way he is... But I also know everyone has a breaking point and there have been times where I have almost reached that. So yeah I don't know how much more I can deal with, or if its just time to quit now while I am still ahead and able to still stand strong to some degree

Hi Again,
Just so you know my mom still loved my "dad" when she left him and filed for divorce. She knew he didn't love her from the way he treated her. He would buy her expensive gifts and all that, but he hurt her twice with cheating. So she was done and left him.

I know what you mean though about that feeling of love conquers all. Do this for me though, rate % of happiness against miserable. When my mom was with my "dad", she was 80% unhappy and 20% happy. If your more happy with him than not, than maybe there is still a chance for your relationship. My mom gave me this helpful tip, if your guy respects and loves his mom, than he will respect and love you. It's just how it is.

Hey again... Well he has never had a relationship with his mum, he hasn't seen her since he was 6 and she is only new back into his life when I found her by mistake (a whole other story) So as for his feelings towards his mum I don't know what they are...
As for percentage of happyiness, I am more happy then unhappy however he does work 12 hour days and I only see him over an evening/night and wkends, We pretty much fight every wkend even if its only a small fight of him yelling at me because I haven't done something he wanted me to do... I really can say probably maybe a 50/50 percentage of happiness when he is around, that does not enclude when he is home sleeping only the time that we actually spend together.

Well, that makes it tough doesn't it? 50/50
I just think it's wrong how he is treating you. He's treating you like he owns you more than anything. I think he knows you won't leave him and that's why he feels he can get away with ordering you around like he does. Really, if he wants to be a good dad he would give a good example how you should treat a lady, ex or not. You feel belittled when he yells at you in front of the kids and disrespected as there mother.
Though, the kids are young they do see how dad is being mean to their mom. They also see you putting up with it, like it's okay to treat a woman like that. I would never want my children to see how a man can treat a woman harshly like that because later in life the daughter will feel it's okay when it happens to her and your sons just might disrespect woman like their father is doing. They are being taught human behavior while they witness these scenes.
I know the road will be tough without the extra "help" but it sounds to me like your doing everything yourself anyway. No one wants to be alone either but I think you need a MAN not a pathetic whiny little boy in your life.

Get away from this man, he is absuive physically and emotinally. Move out, go to your family. You and your children don't derserve that he is bad news. He is a liar and a cheat. THe most important thing to you should be is yourself and your two boys, nothing else.

I think I know the reason why you are glued to this man. You mentioned that you had many past relationships, be it short term or long term, but only this man kept you feeling that thing you called "Love".

It is because you started a family with him! He is the father to your beloved children.

Hey... but loving your children does not mean loving him. You are really in deep trouble here. If you do not believe me, go through all those answers posted here. You have so many replies coming in, telling you to really think hard and long, some even blatantly told you to leave the nasty man.

At your age, I know you will probably erase this episode of confusion and sadness and stick with the things and life that you are so familiar with, that is the chaotic life you are having now.
Having many past relationships does not mean that you have learnt what you need to know. Because it is well acknowledged that people do get involved and attracted to the same type of partners even after some heartbreaking breakups.

U could be attracted to the same type of guys. Maybe they do have their own specialties. But what I am trying to get at is... there are thousands of incredible guys out there. In fact, there could be billions of fantastic guys that would want u (if you think your current man is already a nice person).

U need to talk to someone you trust. Maybe a close relative or some youth guidance programs. If u do not take action now, you may regret for the rest of your life when you are too deep in sh*t.

Hey again Guys/Girls.
Thanks for the replys...
I Have been doing a lot of thinking and taking into account of what everyone here is saying and... As much as it hurts and breaks my heart, I really think I will be going this time... I Go to my foster Parents place next wkend and when I am down there I will be having a very serious talk to them.. (they are the only people I can talk to and fully trust [about this]).
Between Now and Then I will just be gathering all my thoughts and everything like that...
Just my kids and I will be going down there As it is my Birthday and well my now ex has his own plans which works out awesome for me as I will be able to talk without worrying that he might be listening from just behind the corner and what not...
I have sort of told my foster parents bits and pieces that's be going on and all that but not a lot and not the full detail as we mostly talk over the fone when he's at work and well I know calls chats and sometimes be recorded and well yep I am very careful what I say because of that..
Anyway I have to run in case the ex gets home (hes just gone to get milk) because he will flip if he catches me on his internet...
Chat to us next week
Chow

Good luck Mia... and remember to keep us posted :-)

Hey well my wkend went fast which was great, I go to my foster parents place in 4 days so I will let ya's know what happens when I return from there's in a week.. will keep you posted
Cheers guys

Crispy.. I hope you enjoy not having to obey his commands. Enjoy yourself maybe this will be the beginning of a craving for a fresh start.

Maybe It will be. At least I will be able to talk and not worry about him hearing what I say.

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Originally Posted by crispy_chick

Maybe It will be. Atleast I will be able to talk and not worry about him hearing what I say.

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See... now wouldn't be nice to go through the rest of your life not having to worry what ANYBODY thinks , and saying what you want?

I am so proud of you Mia for having the courage to come forward and ask complete strangers for help and the fact you are actually doing something about your horrible situation. I was an abused wife and was beaten on a regular basis. I won't go into that except to say that he got his in the end and spent some time in jail for something completely different from beating me. I know first hand how traumatic that can be.

Please, please move as far away from him as you can and do not contact him or let him know where you are EVER. I escaped with my life and very few possessions. I got divorced from him and only wanted my freedom. Thank goodness you never married this monster - at least he can't legally demand anything from you ever again.

I thought you were in America until I read you were in Australia. I was completely taken by surprise to know that, but I guess abusive men are everywhere and we don't have exclusive rights to them here!

Ask the Lord for help to help guide you and your precious children out of this miserable situation so that you can be happy elsewhere. I'll keep, you dear one, in my prayers.

twinkiedooter, Thank you for you comment, you know I have read dozens of stories on survivors of abusive relationships but the truth is unless you been there you can't understand what they were feelings and all the rest, so Its hard to talk to people about a situation they have never been in, and Its good to hear from those who have been through it, that know how you possibly feel and stuff like that, yes everyone cops differently with situations but when your in a situation like this as different as it may be you still have some understanding... this isn't the first abusive guy I have been with either. The guy I was with before this guy was the same, actually a lot worse, and bashed me on dayly basis, it's a very long story but to cut it short I met this guy one day and been the drug attick I used to be I went back to his place and got high and drunk with him, had sex and all the rest of the things that you do and before I knew it even though I didn't see it as a relationship; he owned me, and I just couldn't leave every time I tried id have my head smacked in, and that's how I met my recent guy... he was on holidays and was staying with mates who lived in the same set of units as this guy and he saw how this guy was treating me, every time I got 5 minutes away from this he would come and talk to me and tell me how I need to get out of there and all this stuff, he grew to fully understand what was going on and one day he stood up to this guy, he called the cops for back up and all... anyway things got real nasty and when the cops rocked up he fled and the cops chased him but he got away, the next day we read in the paper that he was highly wanted in NSW and QLD for many reasons... the guy Im living with now put off going home for a while and over the next couple of months we became great friends then a relationship grew from that, but very little did I know that he would turn into the violent guy he is now... and he always tells me how his abuse towards me doesn't compare to the ex's abuse towards me and so on and how I made him this way and all the rest... I think the past could be what's making it that much harder to find the courage to actually leave even with the fact that he's pretty much giving me the all clear to leave, by saying he wants to be with me but live apart for 6months and all the rest.. I also love him so much... Even though people say I don't because this isn't love. But I also love my kids and they have to come first and that's why I know I have to get them out of this...
Its hard when it comes to the kids, After all they are his kids too, Some say don't let him see them at all, some say he has all rights to them and some say only let him see them under visitation rights through docs... so its really hard. I want the kids to have a father but at the same time I don't think he will care for them as well as he should after all he doesn't do much for them as it is...

Yeah I can garentee there's at least one abusive guy in every country. Just some places its really kept under the coller, people don't talk about it... over here we have adds on TV about stopping abuse against women...

Amongst other things, I had my very long beautiful hair yanked and I was thrown against walls. I had my glasses slapped off my face. I had my pelvis broken and could not stand or walk for weeks. I had my leg yanked and pulled off a raised platform bed to land on a concrete floor on my back cracking my lower back vertebra. I had a 357 Magnum handgun (like the one Dirty Harry had in the movie) pointed in my face and the trigger pulled (the gun was not loaded but I did not know that at the time). I had to run for my life to keep from getting run down by my own Jeep. I have also been controlled emotionally by a real controlling person. When I was in the hospital with the broken pelvis and broken vertabrae (this was back in 1979), I was told by the policeman who came to my room that he would not take a report from me as it would only lead to them arresting my then husband and me not going through with the charges and essentially wasting their time! Ha. Wasting their time! The woman in the next room had been beaten to a pulp by her husband and subsequently died. Things in America have changed quite a bit now and even if the woman drops the charges the state picks them up and the abuser goes to jail. Wish things were that way back then.

Guess what? I now live with my adult son and haven't dated in several years and don't plan on it as I've had enough.

This is just me. But I can tell you one thing I'm much happier now than I've ever been. Gets lonely sometimes, but I figure hey, I'm going to be dead soon so I'm going to enjoy me now.

Yes, your children need a father, but does it really have to be him? No. There are many wonderful men out there who would just love you and love your kids too. Just because someone is a biological mother or father does not make them good parents. Please try to remember this. Your children are young enough now to let another man into their lives to be their daddy. One who will truly love and cherish them.

Please, for your sake and your son's sake, please spend some precious time alone without the BF and see how YOU feel about everything. Don't jump to conclusions or make any rash decisions just yet. Meditate on you and your boys and think about what kind of life you want for you and for them.

Wow that's a lot to deal with, I am lucky I haven't had any serious injuries... plenty of bruses and a lot of pain but nothing serious enough to end me in hospital or anything... I am only a small person, Im pretty skinny but my bones are strong and can take a lot and that's a big plus in my situation... I get thrown against walls, dragged off the bed, punched across the face, strangled belted into a number of times while he sits ontop of me so I can't move, I just cover my face and take it, Hes knocked my glasses off my face several times when doing to me, and it hurt, physically and emotionally, If something isn't up to his standards I will know about it. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it, I know about it... Ive been lucky in a few factors where he's wanted something and I have said no and he has respected that... i.e. making our own sex video and having 3somes but a lot of the time its done his way... Ive had him strip my clothes off me because he didn't like me wearing that piece of clothing.. and a lot of stuff like that.

I know I want a better life then the one I am living atm, But I love my man even though he treats me like scum and I want to be with him, so Its really hard to work it all out..
I only got till the end of the month to figure it all out too because that's when our lease ends..
Im going to my foster parents this wkend with just the kids as I will be turning 21 so my foster mum has made out they don't know nothing and asked him to bring us down, He doesn't want to stay down there because he wants to go out with his friends, but he knows if I am with them I can't get up to anything as they are full Christians but yeah so I think that's the only reason he lets me go there without him because I don't get to go to friends places without him or anything... But yeah so this wkend will give me time to rationalise things and work out what I will be doing and stuff. So I just hope it all goes well.

I've had worse done to me than what I described, but you sure get the picture. I'm only 5'2" and tiny boned.

What you need, young lady, is some self esteem, and you will see that you do not need him or the life he has imposed upon you. Go to your local library and see if they have any books on self esteem. You'll find them in the self help section or ask the librarian for help picking out one.

Please read it and then do some real soul searching. Being only 21 you're just too young to throw your life away without a chance to really be you and blossom into the woman you should be.

No, reading the book won't magically change your life literally overnight, but you'll get a much better idea of just what's really being done to you and what you need to do to change yourself. Maybe you will be able to take off the "rose colored glasses" and see the reality of your situation and why it needs to change.

Ain't that much love in th world worth taking an a$$ whuppin' for. NO WAY,NO HOW!! GET OUT and STAY OUT.