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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

i have been dating this girl for about 2 months, and shes great. shes beautiful, funny, smart, etc..

basically, im starting to get thhe feeling like im trying to hard bc i seem to be the only one who is putting forth any effort into the relationship. i know she likes me, she wouldnt be dating me if she didnt. its not the crazy sex we are having because we havent had it yet.

one of my friends pretty much summed it up with this example:

To Me: Say you are hanging out with your 5 best friends, having a good time, and she calls you and asks you to go to dinner in an hour; would you?"

To Friend: of course

To Me: now reverse the roles. would she do the same?

To Her: no, she wouldnt leave her friends to eat dinner if i asked her, but then again, she would never ask me to go to dinner, because she never initiates wanting to see me.

what do i do?

we both go to college, and christmas break started today, so i wont see her for about 4 weeks. a few times, i tried to see if she wanted to get together over the break; i could come see her, she could some see me, anything at all, and of course she indirectly and very politely found a way to say no to any kind of face to face contact over the break. WHY!?!? if she likes me, she should want to see me right?

as of now, i have decided not to call her, text, her or initiate any kind of contact at all over the break. as hard as this is for me, and its not my nature, i feel its the only way to get the point across that she can't keep treating me like this.

Do your think this is the right thing to do?
What is her deal?

is she even worth it?

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Hey, if this chick is not putting effort in, she obviously takes you for granted, if she likes you she will eventually make some effort to see you if she likes you, when you be distant like you have decided to do. But her deal, if she likes you, would be she doesn't know what she's got, but she might realize its hard to find guys who aren't pricks, and actually see you're a great guy and very hard to find guys who love you so much. But you shouldn't waste your time on a lost cause.. she might just be using you.

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Do you think I should send a small text message saying I'm thinking about you,

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Yes and don get carried away, just a friendly gesture.

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but not call her and make small talk?

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No.

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

do you think i should send a small text message saying im thinking about you,

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That wouldn't be too bad.
But I'd even stear away from showing your desperate emotions towards her.

So instead you could text:
Hey,
What's up?
Having a good day?
So I met this hot babe today. Lol. What's up? (Use just to get some sort of reaction out of her, you can say you are joking in the next text message, if you feel like it).

Even just messaging her to comment on something like: "I hate doing _____".
But you need to stop being her little puppy!
So that means enough of the: OMG I MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH! PLEASE COME SEE ME SOON CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN LAST A DAY WITHOUT TALKING TO YOU!

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

but not call her and make small talk?

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No definitely not!

Btw you are continually bumping this thread. You want us to make all the decisions for you... all of us we might as well be dating her ourselves.

I'm not saying it to be rude but are sooo many things you have to learn for yourself.

And you just won't understand until you experience why, yourself.

For example: we have told you what to do and you are having such a hard time doing it, it's just not talking to her for a couple weeks. Sure you can chat with her via text message and email every few days but get over the obsession she's human too you know.

So what I'm saying is in my opinion you're having such a hard time cause you're either somewhat new at this dating thing or just naïve. So for you to be less worried about not chatting so much the next relationship your in you are going to have to learn for experience why you shouldn't be such a clingy puppy.

I think it's a good idea to try to act normal, so texting her here and there is good but you need to stop trying to do everything right cause the more relationships you're in the more you'll learn and as I said, some of this stuff you'll learn from experience better than we can tell you.

P.S. The chances you're going to marry her are slim, not only because most people date many others before they find the right one and also because of the situation you described to us between you and her (she doesn't seem as interested, and get got out of a long term relationship, brings up loving her ex, you could be the rebound etc etc). - I'm not saying this to be a jerk I'm doing it so you are more confident and less worried about every thing you do.

Good luck

In another thread someone was talking about her relationship being an obsession or addiction. I believe we have to distinguish "obsession/addiction" from "love". If the interactions with this lady cause confusion and heartache, no amount of texting is ever going to make you feel better. This is not easy; one must be able to separate what is good in the relationship from what is not so good, the cause of confusion and pain. Those things that cause pain and confusion must be foremost in your mind, and you must be willing to say, "No, I am not going to let this happen to me again." At that point, it is not her doing something to you; it is you allowing things to harm you. It is like playing with matches or crossing a busy street; you must take care of your emotional side, as well as your physical side. It is not easy to do, but No Contact will do it; it is the only and surest cure. It is sort of like quitting smoking: you can cut down all you want, but at some point you must say, "That was the last one." And you must believe in the cure; you will get over her and live to love another angel, another day, without confusion and pain.

Okay, first off, too all the regulars that have responded to my other threads, thank you so much for all your time and input. I know I'm beating a dead horse, but I need to know this..

Today I texted the girl I'm seeing to see if she was feeling better because she has strept throat..

Me: so are you feeling any better today?

Her: well I felt like crap earlier, but now I'm feeling better

Me: good... well I just want you to know I'm thinking about you!

Her: what are you doing tonight?




... I said I was thinking about her and she asked me what I was doing tonight. Usually, she will just say it back. I seriously contemplaed breaking up with her right then and there because if you can't say that even in reply to someone saying it to you, you must really not care.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-162828.html

There's a little back story for you new guys

This is what I'm thinking about doing

1. break up with her, make her realize what's up. I only want to break up with her, so she will come back to me though. As some of you already know, this whole ordeal has been eating at me since break started 5 days ago. I just feel like this could easily backfire, and she won't call me again because this is actually what she wanted all along. But if so, why hasn't she done it yet? Even if it doesn't work, at least I was the one to end it, which will be psychologically better for me in the end.

2. tell her we need to take a break from talking to each other for a while to figure out what we want, but not break up.. its not like we are seeing each other anyway, because its xmas break and we live 6 hours away from each other. All the times I tried bringing up over the break, she shot down.

3. just don't call, text her, anything unless she in initiates it. By me ignoring her though, is that intended to to weird her out a bit, and make her think about it a bit. I want to give the impression like nothing is wrong, but by ignoring her for a certain amount of time, what would she think?

Of course, I really want to be with her one way or another by the time school starts up on the 8th..

What do you think I should do?

I want to say sorry to tala, george, cianci, and phil because this is similar to my other threads, just basically a different perspective. Any more insight you have would be great though. You know how it goes on this forum, you can say it as many times as you want to a guy like me, I just don't want to accept the answer.

Again what should I do

None of the above. The only thing that's changed since your other post is your insecurity and impatients. You got your call to her, and now time to do what you do where your at. Making a big deal because she didn't reasure your ego, doesn't make sense to me, and to keep trying doesn't either. Better to call or text every 3-4 days and let it go, and be fun and interesting, not nosey needy and insecure, very unatractive when your trying to show your interest, and that you care. Be patient as dealing face-face with your concerns is the best way to go.

Yea, I decided after talking to phil that I'm doing this. Thanks again tala, you've been huge and now I'm actually going to listen to you!!

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

yea, i decided after talking to phil that im doing this. thanks again tala, youve been huge and now im actually going to listen to you!!!!

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LOL, If I had a dime for every time I heard that. :p

I just want to add one thing. You said this was done over text. There is so much communication lost over text and email. Whenever my boyfriend and I ever fought it was because of some dumb misunderstading over text and email. Seriously, maybe she asked you what you were doing tonight because she wanted you to come over? I don't know. Just a thought and it just goes to show how many different spins you can put on one sentence. Just make sure whatever you choose to do... do it face to face. Email and texts can totally ruin relationships in that regards. And also in the regards that you are always linked to someone when there should be alone time. Ya know? It's too easy to reach out and touch someone.

I think that this is childish because you are putting yourself in a bad position you could end getting her back but you may also be making that she doesn't trust you because she could think anytime the road gets rough you will walk away and or try to play these games with her so I think that if there is a problem you should just tell her be honest and she what her response you aren't going to make anything any better by just walking away from the situation to make her wake up it doesn't work like that

We are 6 hours away, so when she asked me what she was doing tonight, I don't think it was so we could get together. Its xmas break... did you guys read the link? There have been other things. I'm not just going to break up with her because she didn't say she's thinking about me back one time. But I'm just not going to call her.

Your doubts and insecuritites are leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually you guys will break-up. Be careful.

And if you believe the things you're thinking, you should break-up. It seems like she's more balanced with the relationship than you are. Ie. Your linked thread. You drop anything to go out of your way for her. She would not.

After just 2 months, neither of you should drop anything at a moment's notice. You're not there yet. Especially at college age. That does matter.

--Cali

Yea, I just want to be back at school, so I can show her this. Until then, the only thing I can do is not call her, maybe not even a text but every 3 or 4 days..

Cali is right you sure expect a lot from a stranger, after 2 months, I would think your still learning each other.

I've been dating this girl for about 2 months and superficially, she's perfect; gorgeus, smart, funny, quirky..

A major problem though is that she can't communicate her feeling with me. We had serious talks about 3 weeks ago about where our relationship was going and all she could say was "i dont know" or "i like you, and i want to be with you", but that's all she could say. We she took one day of space and then called me and said lets "start over" and I said, what the hell, its better than breaking up, because I do really like her. The next two weeks were fine

To this point though, I feel like I'm making all the effort in the relationship.. we haven't had sex yet, I couldn't perform twice because I was a bit scared because it would be my first time.. while she was a bit upset at the time, she SAID it was no big deal, and the timing just wasn't right. I know its early in the relationship, and right now, I think shed still rather hang out with her friends more than me. Whatever no big deal.

Well its xmas break, and we live 6 hours away from each other. I have decided not to contact her, text her, or ask to come see her, because I brought it up several times to meet up over the break, and she basically said no each time.. maybe by me not calling her, it'll make her realize what she's going to lose.

What should I do? Do you think thisll work?

Anyone who has responded to my other posts, don't even bother reading... lol sorry

Don't let your strong feelings for her cloud your good judgment. If you think you can see that she isn't interested, don't put yourself out there any more than you have to. Don't become a doormat either though. It's good that you decided to not contact her. If she is interested, this might spark her interest and now she will start taking the initiative in some elements of the relationship. If she doesn't however, this could be your final sign that she really isn't interested. I know this might not be what you WANT to hear, but this could act as a final closure on any confusion you have. It should also be a sign that you should get your head back in the dating game (if you think you're ready) and try to meet some new ladies. No one said you had to jump into a new relationship... but dating is a great way to take your mind off the past, meet new people, and possibly open up some doors into new relationships. In the end though, this is just advice. You should read this, take it into consideration, but be sure to make your own decision based on how YOU feel. Hope this helps!

Hey guys, so my girlfriend called me today just to talk. We talked about this and that, the usual. She then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off. At first, I was like, umm this isn't cool. She even said, "hah, you think im still in love with him!" and I said "hah, no, but you have said to me you will always "love" him and he was an important part of your life for 3 years.

Then I said, picture this. My ex-gf of 3 years, my first love, and I were going out to lunch, what would you think? She said I trust you enough, so it wouldn't be a big deal. I told her, its not that I don't trust you, but you have said you loved him before!

I'm not sure what to do in this situation.. on one hand, obviously this is a little ridiculous. Your ex-bf of 3 years calls and wants to hang out with you over the break, and he asks you to lunch, and you say yes. I have a right to care, and say I dissaprove, but this will come off as me being jealous.

On the other hand, he was a big part of her life, and she repeatedly said she's over him, its been over a year, and I would never do anything with him again. All I can do is trust her, right? Should I express my dissaproval for her doing this? We aren't at that point in our relationship, especially if you have read some of my other threads, for me to say you can't go eat lunch with him.

Its just a bit weird because they haven't spoken in a long time.

Anyway, how should I approach this?

She's done nothing to break my trust up to this point

No contact over the break is probably a good idea. Let her resume the relationship once school starts again. Find someone else. She may not be the one for you at the moment. It sounds like you would like to get serious with someone. She wants to play. So, maybe the two of you will get together later, after a couple of years.

It's only been two months I think you are rushing things. Also as the others said perhaps she can't communicate her feelings because, well, she doesn't have any to communicate.
Take it slow if at all.

Until she gives you reason to break your trust don't fight her on it otherwise it could push her away or it could make her feel she can't be open and honest and cause her to sneak. If she meets him for lunch sometime and establishes an on going relationship then concern yourself. Right now as it stands they could meet for lunch and then realize why they broke up and go their separate ways. Then you worried for basically nothing.

Not only do you worry too much, you make everything such a big deal. The ex didn't show so case closed. She told you about it so, drop it.
I have also read your other post and why you don't want those familiar with your situation to post is beyond me. I'm hurt. Or are you so tired of hearing us try to get you to see, your standing in your own way?

You should break-up with her dude. It seems like that's what you really want. My most recent ex and I broke up but we stayed in touch. I never closed the door because we had a good relationship, but she moved back to her college town after summer and no LDR. But I asked her to visit or that I would visit but she always ignored those things.

She was always concerned on how it would be or that it would never be the same. I always told her, how do you know if you don't actually know? Why destroy something good by being afraid of bad things that haven't happened or may not happen. All this fell on deaf ears, so I finally stopped contacting her.

She recently contacted me. She sent me some weird email asking about my love life and so on. I simply told her how she had made me feel about ignoring visiting or always thinking negative. Basically, I did not close the door on her, but I told her she knows where I live and she has my number. She knows how to find me if she wants.

Essentially, her crazy thoughts, her desire to push me away, worked. She lost me. I stopped trying. She fulfilled her on prophecy. Perhaps that's what she wanted.

You keep being crazy, you'll eventually piss this girl off and all your unsubstantiated fears will come true.

--Cali

If she was really in love with you, she would have told the ex that she didn't feel comfortable about getting together for lunch.

She should realize that the past is the past, let it go. I know many people will disagree but I frankly think that it is disrespectful.

Also, she brought it up after the fact, "she then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off". If she respected you, she would have said, "hey honey, Joe blow called last week and he wanted to get together for lunch, do you have a problem with this?" This is only common respect and communication within the relationship.

I am not a jealous person, but she's hiding something. My take is that she was pissed he didn't show up and vented to you.

My experience with girls like this were a nightmare.

I haven't read your other threads so I don't know what your relationship is like, and it all depends on where you are in your relationship.
Either way, if you're in a good relationship, you should be able to communicate with each other.
It's normal to be jealous, anyone would be. If you are obviously upset about it, and she asks, just tell her that you're only a bit jealous, cause she's your girlfriend. But that's it. Tell her you trust her completely, it's just a bit of natural jealousy.
Then let it go.
If something happens, then it would have happened later on during the relationship anyway. In this case, it would be a good riddance, and a great opportunity to find someone better!
But if she has been completely honest with you up to this point, then you have no reason to worry! Worrying about it VS not worrying about it, is not going to change the situation.
So might as well not worry!

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Originally Posted by LivingtheLifeinFLA

If she was really in love with you, she would have told the ex that she didn't feel comfortable about getting together for lunch.

She should realize that the past is the past, let it go. I know many people will disagree but I frankly think that it is disrespectful.

Also, she brought it up after the fact, "she then nonchalantly brought up that she was supposed to go eat lunch with her ex BF earlier today but he blew her off". If she respected you, she would have said, "hey honey, Joe blow called last week and he wanted to get together for lunch, do you have a problem with this?" This is only common respect and communication within the relationship.

I am not a jealous person, but shes hiding something. My take is that she was pissed he didn't show up and vented to you.

My experience with girls like this were a nightmare.

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Love is no where in the picture right now, just trying to figure each other out. I'm sure she really likes me, and my problem about anything I do is that I over worry about everything. I know it sucks, but some people are just wired that way and it takes life experiences to worry less. Obviously, I'm still young, so I over analyze everything, and I make something out of nothing. I'm just rdy for break to be over! I never thought I would want to start school this bad lol

I can understand how you feel. It think it important to always have a perspective of healthy thinking behind your decisions, and a balanced life, that you enjoy along with a great relationship. We can't get all wrapped up in a partner and have to ask a lot of questions, and always have them around us out of insecurity and fear. Who wants a relationship where you have to be worried about their every move or action? Those are not your partners problems, and its so hard to not destroy a relationship, when we are in need of dealing with our own personal problems.

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

love is no where in the picture right now, just trying to figure each other out. im sure she really likes me, and my problem about anything i do is that i over worry about everything. i know it sucks, but some people are just wired that way and it takes life experiences to worry less. obviously, im still young, so i over analyze everything, and i make something out of nothing. im just rdy for break to be over!! i never thought i woudl want to start school this bad lol

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Well, that changes everything. If you are just friends looking to move forward with her, then the proper response when she is testing your interest level and brings lunch with the ex up would be "That's cool, maybe you can get together next week for lunch with him", and then move on to another subject as if it's not a big deal.

Since you say you "aren't at that point in your relationship" then, as you've said, you really can't object to her having lunch with him. But it does put up a huge red flag as to how much further you want to go in this "relationship." Maybe you should cool off for a while and take a break from her. If she confronts you about it, you can then discuss your feelings and concerns with her, since she'll have been the one to open the door.

Hey guys

For any of you who know my other threads, its been since Thursday that me and my girlfriend talked on the phone, I sent her a few text's here and there, but nothing major. She hasn't made an attempt to call me yet...

Keep up no contact?(dont initiate contact) this just feels too weird...

Huh?? Now I'm confused.

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

hey guys

for any of you who know my other threads, its been since thursday that me and my gf talked on the phone, i sent her a few text's here and there, but nothing major. she hasnt made an attempt to call me yet...

keep up no contact?(dont initiate contact) this just feels too weird...

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Seems she is doing no contact and your not. Hey if your not doing this for yourself to heal, what's the point?? Get busy finding something else to do that's fun. This is a holiday weekend.

Its not really to heal... we are still bf/gf, but its xmas break and we are 6 hours away. I feel weird not calling her.. should I stop texts now altogether too? Because, tala, I remember you saying its okay to send her a text here or there asking what she's doing.. etc

I never said to blow up her cell, You sent the text, now wait for an answer, by doing something for yourself in the meantime. Don't be pushy.

No no, she answered me completely normal both times I texted her... I texted her once yesterday and once today... is that so bad? What do I do for xmas? Not call her or anything?

You can call her and beg her to take you back if you want, if you believe it is not over and still want to chase her , go for it, there is no right or wrong in trying to get them back.

If you know its over or if you are tired and want to start over, then you want to stop all contact, you will not be ready to start over till you do

If you are confused and have an ache in your stomach, it is because you are getting dumped. Look elsewhere.

Why don't you just play it cool. Call her on Christmas and wish her a merry christmas. Keep it light and simple. Suggest something for when you get back to school so you have something else setup to talk about. Like "hey Merry xmas, I was checking out this movie and it had pretty good reviews, I was thinking when we get back to school we can go and check it out."

I am so confused, if she answers your text, does she have to call on the phone too?? Explain to me what's going on here, and what your trying to accomplish. I would think a text aday is enough.

Sorry, I don't mean to butt in here, but it seems as though you are really lonely without her, and that's okay. But it IS the holidays, and she MAY want to spend time with her family.

Is there a reason that you need day-to-day contact with her? Are you so uncomfortable in your relationship that you must talk to her daily? (Yes, I read the thread about her and her ex and lunch)

You see, women like me see men like that as needy. We don't want men who are needy. We want men who can stand on their own two feet and do what they need to do without approval from us.

A strong woman does not want, nor need, a weak man. Keep your distance, it's Christmas. She will appreciate you more when she gets back. There will be more to talk about. Give her space and don't smother her.