 |
I talked to her, she told me all that stuff... I just feel like I have no place in this he should just leave me alone so I can get over him and what he did to me, but he just keeps calling claiming he's leaving town for a while or that he doesn't know what to do about his child and ask's me addvice, am I just being used, good I feel like an idiot
I want so much to believe him, he's so convincing, but what reason would she have to lie to me?
Those are my thoughts exactly. I don't see her gaining very much from doing this.
I would block his number from your phone, block him from sending IMs (if you use it) and emails. If an unknown number pops up on your phone do not answer. This guy is a real piece of work and you absolutely right he needs to leave you alone. But chances are he will not leave you alone if you keep being responsive. I know its hard to not pick up when you see that he is calling but you have to love yourself a whole lot more then him right now.
You know this also puts your other post into a whole new light. Do you think he gave you a hard time about going out or going to certain places because he was afraid of running into people who knew this woman?
Taking all your posts together, I'm wondering why you even bother with the drama. Don't you know you can be happier without all these other people in your life? You really should cut the confusion, and leave this guy ALONE!
I know I should leave him alone, this is way too much drama and it does make the way he treated me before all make sense but I'm not happy with out him it seems and I don't know if I'll find that again, I don't know if I'm scred to be along or if I just love him so much, I don't know what it is... now he wants to be "friends" for a while, I don't think I can handel being with him but not "beling with him" evey time he leaves I make up my mind to tell him this isn't going to work and I need to get over him, but the min he calls or shows up he makes me change my mind, I know what I need/should do but for sum reason I can't do it, what is wrong with me??
Cher you have got to get this guy out of your life. Do not be friends with him because all he will do is drag you back into all of this nonsense, lie to you and do whatever it takes to get back into your bed. This guy used you while he had a fiancé and got her pregnant.
You are sitting at this guy BEGGING for scraps of love and attention. This guy has never given you a full slice of bread let alone a meal the entire time you have been together. At the most he has tossed off a few scraps but the majority of it being crumbs of love.
You deserve more and are worth more then this. You have to decide that you love yourself more then you are addicted to this guy. You do not "love him that much" you are just scared to be alone. This guy doesn't love you sorry he doesn't. He just wants to have it all and not lose anything.
Block his number from your phone if he shows up at your house don't answer the door. This guy is cancer Cher. You have to cut out the cancer in order to heal.
The reason you can't stop yourself is because its hard. Its hard to walk away from someone. Its hard to not pick up the phone or answer the door. Its hard to decide that you are better then this. Its easy to be someone's doormat, its easy to believe lies, its easy to believe that you don't deserve a full serving of love. .
Its also easy to take back control of your life. You know he is lying to you. So block his number on your phone. If a number pops up that you don't recognize don't answer. If he shows up at your house don't answer the door. If he keeps it up call the cops.
Cher, I know what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, but worse! I LIVE with my boyfriend and since I have been here (3 years almost to the day!) I have not had to work. He takes care of me (and my son) because he has money and says that I have a job here taking care of the house and him, etc. AND, on top of all that, he really does pay me a pretty good allowance as well as lot's of other perks. We have a lot of material things and fun toys (4-wheelers, boat, jet skis, etc.) and if I leave him, I leave it all to be lonesome! My man loves me and I love him; so what's the nitch? HIS FRIENDS! He never takes me anywhere fun or away for a weekend stay at a nice hotel, does not include me in his business ventures or tells me his ideas and thoughts. But all of his friends know. In fact, his friends know what we are doing for the weekend before I do! And when we DO go someplace (we also have a house out in the country on a lake, hence the "toys") - his friends go too. We've had this place for over a year; I found it, we bought it together, but have NEVER one single time just went down there for just one night by ourselves! Most every night & weekend he's out in the garage with his friends. Sometimes we go out to a bar or two but when we get there inevitably he has friends that intrude on what we women like to call "our time"! He won't go anywhere off the beaten path so we don't run into these so-called friends. So, on top of all that, 99.9% of these so-called friends of his are plain and simple "users"! They don't even have enough cooth or common sense to see that he is with ME in a conversation and they just butt right in and take over! This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME we go out. Then we fight cause I want (he says) all of his attention. NO! Truly, I just want some! If I finally go over and talk to some chicks (if I don't know them, I introduce myself and get to know them!) then he drills me about what we talked about and how all I do is strut "my stuff" around so everyone will look at my "rear"! I mean, Cher, men are sick individuals! They are heartless and relentless. They don't want us, but they don't want anyone else to have us either. I'm so sick of being "last" in his world. I can be on the phone with my mother and he intrudes in my conversation asking me who it is. Or, if I'm on the phone with one of my girlfriends he butts in about our conversation or tells me to tell her to tell her man (one of his friends, of course) this or that... or even worse, obnoxiously makes crude and controlling remarks loundly like "tell her your trying to cook" or "what's she wanting now". I mean true and sick sh_ t! What I am concluding in my own life... F_ _ K IT (and him!) I am starting this very day venturing out and getting a life (after all, he's already gone with his buds to a motorcycle swap meet) and no I was not invited to go even though I ride my own motorcycle! YEP! I'm going anyway... and if I see him there, I'm going to smile and go on about my shopping! And I vow from this day forward that I will giggle, smile, laugh, party and flirt! No more sad and lonely. I'm a pretty lady, I'm self-respecting and considerate! I have friends that I put off because I want to spend time with him so I wait and wait and wait for nothing only to waste another day of my precious life waiting for someone who clearly doesn't want me to enjoy life with him. He just wants to have me here to clean, cook, have sex, and have someone here when he wants to lay around and be waited on had & foot! By the way, when I try to elaborate all of this to him... then he says that all I do is and complain and see only negative. I told him last night that I do not have a "pause" button that he can push while he goes and enjoys his life then releases me when (as already stated) he wants to lay around. "Get me a soda, bring me a blanket, where's the remote?, rub my feet, blah, blah, blah. Now Cher, get this! Ready? He says (this rolls me!)...I'VE GOT IT MADE AND I'M TOO STUPID TO SEE IT!
Cher, I'm 38 years old. Everyone says I don't look over 30 (love those people!) I'm getting low on those "younger" years of life. I'm not the most beautiful, but I do okay on the attractive side (this derives mostly from compliments from a variation of folks). Point is...I'm sick of wasting away waiting for someone to want to be with me. I have every intention of sticking around because I know he loves me (though he loves himself and his money more) and because my little boy loves it here and at our house in the country and he loves the "idiot" too! SO, instead of leaving all my goodies (and some pretty decent sex!) I'm hanging out here residentially, but I AM getting out of my rut and getting a life; finding hobbies, friends and BETTER things to do while he's being idiolized and adorned by his "boyfriends" and unmistakeably be loving myself MUCH more than I love him...hence forth, giving back EXACTLY what I get from him as far as companionship and emotional support! Hey, if by chance someone comes along the way that, you know, happens to "tickle my fancy" then what the hell... ya know what I mean?
Basically, you are only alone if you choose to be. So choose not to be for your own happiness and fulfillment. Enjoy life, its too short to waste on crap that don't want you! If he calls you, surely answer. But sound happy and excited... not that he called, but that you are busy today, he just isn't in your plans. Show him you are just FINE without him in your life and basically, you just don't have time to be together with him right now because (whether you really do or don't) have plans to do things with YOUR friends today, tomorrow and pretty much all week. Tell him you'll check your social calendar and see if you can pencil him in for a quick lunch or even a quick romp if you so desire. But certainly don't impress him that you'll always be there when he wants you, because that makes him a user and you a loser in every aspect! That's where I messed up. Thought I'd be the good girl that was here when he got home so he didn't have to feel like I was running around or cheating or whatever. I tried too hard to cater and be right by him. It backfired!
Good luck with what you are going through. Eventually, you won't even be able to make yourself cry because truly, he ain't worth the salt in your tears and you have BETTER things to do with your time than cry over his dumb butt!!
Best Wishes... Lisa!
QUOTE OF THE DAY: You receive what you believe, so believe in the best for yourself!
I was just thinking and wondering what everyone else thinks... I've always been a very trusting person, I'v never pry'd or looked too much into anything with relationships.(I believe if they love me and tell me something.. I have no reason not to believe them and that they wouldn't lie to me) but I always end up getting hurt or getting some big news I never saw coming... am I to trusting, should I ask more questions, could certain thing have been prevented it I only I looked more into it?? Any ideas??
There is a HUGE difference to being trusting and blind. It sounds to me as if you are blind. You don't need to interrogate someone but its important to pay attention to things occurring in your relationships. Sometimes we like some one so much that we ignore any red flags that pop up the trick is learning to trust yourself more then anything else and when you see a red flag explore it don't ignore it.
EDIT
BTW how are you doing after that whole debacle? Are you feeling any better?
That line can be hard to define. But if you find them in bed with someone, there is no acceptable answer for instance.
Always trust with your eyes and ears wide open.
I'm still very hurt and confused... I don't know I just hope with time the truth will come out and things will fix themselves, I can't stand to be hurt again like I was
He was a real dirtbag to you Cher13. Take this all in as a learning experience but don't let it make you not trust again. This guy was a great manipulator.
You just have to remember that you can give trust but it has to be maintained. If someone shows you that they can't be trusted remember that don't push it aside. If someone says to you "what you don't trust me?" don't let that manipulate you into trusting them. Someone who is trustworthy is not going to pull that nonsense.
It will get better it just takes time.
Thank you!!
Every time I have acted on my gut I have found something to prove my gut feeling - cheating etc. You have to use rational thought and emotional in trust situations.
I say that you should keep on taking things at face value. If it feels right, it probably is right. If it feels wrong then communicate well & problem solve together. If it continues to feel wrong then you have to start trusting your instincts. At that point it is probably best to discuss ending the relationship as it is apparent that you both need and want different things. As long as you feel you are both working on things together it's worth working on and trusting the other person. However, if you are the only one working on it then it's time to trust yourself - move on and find someone else who shares your values, dreams and beliefs.
Hugs, Didi
Things are going to happen regardless of if you make them hard or easy. If you question who your with eventually they will get tiered of your questions and assume you don't trust them and that'll cause many problems. The best thing to do is don't confront them without evidence. If they do something that hurts you let them know. Don't become a detective in the relationship but don't be blind.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cher13
I think any guy who has a girlfriend like you, who trusts them and doesn't pry is so lucky, I think its good to be trusting but you still need to ask questions if you don't feel things are right
I feel so sad and upset like my hearts been ripped out and stomped all over... me and my boy friend arnt together anymore, and its because of him hurting me and lying to me and not treating me right, I know I deserve better but I can't come to grips of life without him in it... I refuse to be with a lier and a cheater but why is this so hard?? How can I move on?
I know people say it will get better with time... this is true, but it takes awhile... ive been through something similar with my husband (happening right now.. he's been lying) I've cried I've been mad then I feel numb... trust me start going for walks to try to clear your head... cheating is wrong.. lying about it is worse. Men lie about a lot of things. Its not you its him and don't forget that. I know you love him.. but actions speak louder than words... unless he is willing to get help you should take time for yourself right now... talk to friends and family and get there support... good luck it will get better
K I'm a little conffused about how no contact is suppsoto work, I have just a few qestions if anyone can help answer them it would be a huge help to me... Thanks!
1. does no contact mean not talking to them even if they try to contact you after a while?
Or does it mean not talking to them Until they contact you?
2. do people use no contact as a way to forget and move on or to get the other person to miss you and what not?
3. and finally, does no contact help or hurt your chances of getting back together with the peron(if that's what your trying to acomplish)
To me, no contact means not talking to them until they possibly contact you first. My ex-BF broke up with me earlier this year and to be honest doing the no contact thing has been hard on me. I've been using it as a way to get over him, but I can't help but hope that it will make him miss me in some way (he has a new girlfriend so I know I'm fooling myself). As far as it helping or hurting the chance to get back together, I guess it all depends on how strong the relationship had been and how close the two people involved were as a couple. I hope this helps some.
Hey Cher13
1. It generally means no contact until they contact you. When they do, its your choice whether you want to respond or not.
2. Both. People use it as a way to forget their past AND as an attempt to make the other person miss you. Hopefully with you not around, they will miss you. No contact creates a lot of curiosity making them wonder "what are they doing right now? why aren't they trying to contact me? why are they taking this so well?" Curiosity is compelling and they may well contact you just simply to snoop on what your up to, even if they have no intention of getting back with you.
3. Well it can swing both ways. As a general rule I think no contact is extremely powerful, and it normally helps. When you stick around they know they can have you whenever they want. People want what can't have -- its human nature. They WANT attention. They WANT you to contact them. When you stop, it's a kick in the teeth, and they crave that attention again. You don't know what you have until you have lost it.
Take care
Well, it certainly means not talking to them of your own accord, and it also means taking your sweet ol' time getting back to them if they contact you and even then keeping it short and sweet.Quote:
1. does no contact mean not talking to them even if they try to contact you after a while?
Or does it mean not talking to them Until they contact you?
It sometimes can have the effect of making the other person miss you but generally it's used as a way to forget and move on.Quote:
2. do people use no contact as a way to forget and move on or to get the other person to miss you and what not?
3No contact isn't a tool for getting back together with the person. But your chances are better if you do NC then if you are constantly calling or texting them and bugging them all the time. If they broke up with you, you may feel that you want to get back together with them but remember, it's broke for a reason. Maybe you weren't unhappy in the relationship (at least not yet) but if the other person broke up with you then obviously they were. That being the case, there really isn't much you can do to "fix" the problem. Often two people just aren't compatible with each other and that's that. It's not that there's anything wrong with you or them, you just aren't right for each other. It really isn't fair or reasonable for you to have to "change" who you are so that the other person can be happy with you when they weren't previously. You just need to be who you are and seek out others who will accept you for who and what you are. If you do decide on a little "self-improvement" that's fine but do it for yourself, not to impress someone else.Quote:
. And finally, does no contact help or hurt your chances of getting back together with the person(if that's what your trying to acomplish)
Is it better to be with the person you love but have a lot of trust issues with or just move on? I'm so conffused right now I love my boyfriend more then anything and everything in the world but a lot has happened where I find it hard to trust him or find myself always questioning to myself what he tells me, I want to be with him he makes me happyer then I'v ever been when he's around but am I ever going to get over these trust issues or should I just try to move on even know it would kill me?
Are you having trouble trusting him because of him or because of you?
Wondergirl brings up a good point. Do you know what is causing you to distrust him? Has he done anything to validate your concerns? Or is there something from your past that makes it hard for you trust him?
You're happy with him for a reason right?
I always felt that if there is a true reason for mistrust it is best to move on (if possible). Trust is HUGE in a relationship, I would say #1. If you have no trust... and a VALID reason (not just insecurity) move on... I think its best for BOTH of you.
I agree with jeffatl. Trust is a huge foundation for a relationship. If he's causing it, and you explained that it bothers you, and he continues doing it, you have to do what's best for yourself.
What you see is what you get. If there were NO trust issues he'd probably not be quite the guy you love so much. The dynamic is based on his actions in your presence. His actions are products of his behavior and what he achieves in response to his behavior. If you change that behavior you'll no longer have the same feelings for him as you now state. Find another you can trust. Trust will outweigh the other by 10 fold but there are people who will never know the difference; their eyes work but their blind and their life will be spent that way.
Wondergirls question has to be answered first.
Cher - Is it your insecurities or has he given you reason?
What if you try to use the NC rule & don't call while you are trying to get over the person, but the person reurfaces and calls repeatedly; mind you are not totally over them. Basically they give you the impression that they ,miss you and "really need to talk", but when you see them nothing has changed?
But you never really get a chance to get over them, and keep thinking "what if" one of the calls could have been sincere, and you ignored it because of all the other times when they resurfaced it didn't mean anything?
No contact just sounds like a silly, immature game people play to some how get the upper hand or try to hurt someone. I just don't get it at all.
I don't use No Contact as a game. I use it to hold on to my sanity. My heart couldn't take it if I called and had to hear how happy he is in his new life. I'd be crushed and trust me I've been crushed enough by this man. I can't say that I don't hope he misses me because I do. We had a strong close bond for many years so not hearing my voice everyday must effect him in someway, so if that causes him to contact me I don't see it as a game I see it as me backing off so he can realize what was really important in his life.Quote:
Originally Posted by stonewilder
When she broke up with me after 2 years, the first couple of days, she said that she missed me, but said that we should not get back together because its only been 2 days and that I will get better. To me it sounded as if she was fighting her feelings and hoping that any feelings she had for me will fade away. That really hurt. Since then we have had NC except in class.Quote:
Originally Posted by little firefly
I understand that the NC is a way for both people to heal and allowing the other person to miss you since you are not always there like before. Does this possibly hurt any chances of getting back together by giving the appearance that I am over her and moved on? Does this help her move on, since she is trying to fight any feelings she may have?
I may feel like I am digressing and moving backwards, but I am completely at a loss and my concentration/focus is completely shot. I have even wondered if I should contact her close friend, who is also heart broken after having lost her boyfriend. I thought maybe she would relate to me and be able to give me some insight as to what my ex is feeling. I know this is not a good option to do, but I've lost it.
IMO NC means just that. No contact period. You use t when you are trying to get over a person, so the thought that it would help that person miss you and maybe come back to you is kind of silly. That kind of defeats the purpose.
I'm having the same problem. But in my case it was what my boyfriend make me did that affected my trust for him. We are still together. He is trying to earn it back.. its takes A lot of work. From both of you.. can't exspect him to earn back trust if you won't give him a chance to right?
But if you love him you should at least give him the chance to earn his trust(if he made you not trust him)
If its you that can't trust because of the past, trust him until he gives you a reason not to!
GOOD LUCK!
CHER!! Can you hear us?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much
I do get that part of it and I’ve done that as well. I’m just always seeing here where people are talking rules of no contact, how to use it to get someone back, etc. What I don’t get is why so many people have questions about it. It’s not about the other person …it’s about you and trying to move on but so many seem to try to make it some kind of a mind game. That part I don’t get.
Yes, the trust issues are because of him, I think I'm way to trusting, then I found out he had a one night stand(a few weeks before we met) and had a kid!! And didn't tell me,I found out by the mother AFTER the kid was born, he only found out 3 months before his son was born though and said he didn't want to tell me cause he didn't want to lose me but ever sense then I'm soooooo confused!
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:48 PM. |