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Originally Posted by hpallister

Do people really feel that void or do they just harden their hearts to it? I feel as though he's denying that the last two years ever even happened.

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I don't think he's denying that they happened. He made a choice not to let his life continue the way it did. That's a wise choice for anyone who is not happy and feels used. What would you have done? Don't you think he has the rigth to be happy without you?

Look at the picture again, was it all really that good for him? Or were you out on a trip and basically self-centered at that time. I'm certain he felt that void and it did hurt him. Now you feel a void and it hurts, but just as he did, you will get over it. We all claim that we will not let anyone ever hurt us like that again, but it does happen again - for different reasons. As we go along in life, it just doesn't hurt as much and we wipe it off and go on with life a lot sooner because we get a little stronger every time - and hopefully a little wiser. It's still there though, that's what make us human.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifWe love, we hurt, we cry... until the day we die.

I did leave him with a void, that's very true. He never fully expressed what that meant to him until after the break up. I hate that I did that to the one person I really didn't want to hurt, it's so horrible. He says I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I just wish I could turn back the clock.

That is the one thing we cannot do. No matter how much we wish it, that clock goes forward. And.. go forward is what you should be doing.

He is going on with his life, and so should you. It's not healthy to 'cry over spilt milk' and you know it. What you can do is make darned sure the you will not make the same mistake the next time. I'm saying the NEXT time... be it with another person or with him.

As we said, you need to stand alone, like yourself again before you 'share' yourself and all your guilt with someone else.

You can do it, it will take time, but it gets better as the days go by.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/28/28_2_8v.gif It will get better... http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/28/28_1_19.gif

Yeah, I do feel I'm making more positive steps, it's when I look back that it hurts the most. I am doing well with my counselling though, and it's making me see things from a lot of angles.

Hopefully I'll be seeing my ex on Sunday to sort things out regarding our flat... I'm dreading it as I feel like I'll just be in tears when I see him... it's so hard to stay strong. There's so much I want to say to him but I don't want to scare him away or give him even more reason to keep his distance. I just wish I could relax around him, that would make things so much easier.

Honey, I hope it was not so bad. Show of emotions is a human thing and we cannot turn it on and off.

Just want to let you know I'll be offline for approximatel 3-4 days (in hospital) but don't want you thinking that I am ignoring you.

Have a good weekend!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_57.gif

Thanks Chery, you've been so lovely to me, sorry to hear you're going to be in hospital- hope you're OK?

I didn't see him in the end, his grandma had a stroke on Friday, but he's said he might be free next weekend.

My counseller suggested I write him a letter, which sounds god but I'm not sure if it would do much good...

I miss him so much.

hpallister,
I'm reading your posts, hope things are going OK.

I know it's a tough tough time, but things will eventually get better.

Write some feeling letters to him but don't send them , it will help get your emotions out..

Also, if I were to write a letter, what would it say?

Feel like my mind's a mess, I feel like true love like what we had is rare, I can't believe it could just disappear.

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I feel like true love like what we had is rare, I can't believe it could just disappear.

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It doesn't disappear, people change, that's what life is about,, change.

Does change really happen that quickly? I went from being The One, the person he wanted to marry, to nothing. It's like he wants to pretend I never existed. I'd be able to cope if I didn't have all the memories of such great times.

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Does change really happen that quickly?

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It can, but more than likely you just never noticed the change until it hit you between the eyes. You aren't the only one in that respect.

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It's like he wants to pretend I never existed.

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Seems that way right now when your feelings are so fresh and raw, and he has moved on.

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I'd be able to cope if I didn't have all the memories of such great times.

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You will heal and move on and still have the memories, I still have mine more than 35 years later.

I keep waking up at around 5am just shaking through sheer panic, it's like I suddenly remember what's happened and that he's not beside me. I can't believe that this is over. We loved each other so much, it felt like we were a family.

Why is he avoiding me? We have so much stuff to sort out, both logistically and financially and he seems so reluctant to face it all. We shared a home.

HPallister,
Reading your posts you sound like me last year,

I know so well the sudden shock,
As Tal says people change...

He's going through his own grief right now and avoiding you is probably his way of getting through it. Its for the best. Staying in contact will only give you mixed signals..

Don't make excuses to contact him for the logistics etc.

<I keep waking up at around 5am just shaking through sheer panic, it's like I suddenly remember what's happened and that he's not beside me. I can't believe that this is over. We loved each other so much, it felt like we were a family>

It gets better , time really heals..

Do the people that end relationships grieve the end of the time together in the same way? I know this man inside out - I can't help but feel he's avoiding facing the reality of the end?

You have to get everything you want to say OFF YOUR CHEST with him while you have the chance, so you know where you stand, and what he wants. He might be confused, but your inconsiderate and insensitive actions are not part of a healthy relationship. This is what happens in relationships, people take people for granted, and assume they will be there forever, and what they don't realize, is that you only get one chance really.. and all he did was give you a lot of little chances. He just got fed up. Enough was enough for him. Everyone has that threshold where they are fed up, he faced his.

I know you want your independence and that's good. You or him for that matter, shouldn't allow someone to determine your worth, and you shouldn't make someone else your whole world, but you have to realize, that when you are in a relationship... tenderness, forethought, manners, courtesy, and kindness are the true signs of love in relationships.

Without them you just have a roommate situation.

fore&#183;thought
–noun 1. thoughtful provision beforehand; provident care; prudence.
2. a thinking of something beforehand; previous consideration; anticipation.


A relationship is not like a mountain that you climb and when you get on the top of it, you no longer have to climb. A relationship is something that you treat like a delicate ming vase, something you nurture and grow, like a beautiful plant. It is ALWAYS TENDED TO.. it is not left to stagnate.

That's what people don't realize, they don't understand how to feed and water a relationship so that it is nourished without crowding and attentively tended to so that it does not die.




[QUOTE=hpallister]Hi, hope someone can help me, below is a quote from a previous post I made about a week ago...

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Originally Posted by hpallister

I have been been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and have been living with him for a year, and when we first moved in together I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity. On a few occasions I did daft things like not invite him out, meet up with male friends, get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night. I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically. He also had worries about the fact I had a myspace, and so I got rid of it. Over the last 6 months or so I have not been out nearly as much, and have made a real effort to consider him and make him part of my social life. We were solid, had a great time together and were planning our futures. It was a real bond. I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I went ahead and did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.
About a month ago he split up with me because of this, saying that the face book thing had made him question what he was 'getting out of the relationship' and why he put up with those inconsiderate actions. I shoud stress that he is a very sensitive, considerate and kind person and isn't controlling, he just rightly believes in 'do as you would be done by'.

Today he texted me saying he would be moving his stuff out of our flat, where he's been staying in the month since our breakup, this week (which he had said he would do last week) and would I like to meet on Friday to sort everything (rent, etc I presume) out. Things is, I'm not sure how to behave- should I leave the subject of the relationship completely alone or should I address the issues I'm currently talking through with my therapist? He seems to be trying to ween himself off me- I sometimes feel as though he's putting the good side of our relationship out of his mind on purpose if you know what I mean? :confused: He very much seems on the defensive. I don't really know how to handle this for the best? Any advice would be gratefully received...

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You're right, and it's so true, I was scared because I have made peope my world before and been terribly hurt so I guess the things I did were a way of defending myself. I failed to see that when you becaome a couple you have to share. As an only child I guess I wasn't ready for this!

I would give anything to give him the relationship he wants. I just wish I could have his love and trust like I had before, I wish I could have done the growing up I've done in the past few months earlier.

Can you fall in love with someone you've been with before all over again?

I can say most of us have done dumb things like that, or been on the other end of someone that did this to us.

You can't make someone want you, all you can do is figuratively leave the door open and let them know and sit back. Maybe they will come back but be ready if they don't. And be prepared to respect their feelings and move on. Consider it a learning experience and a lesson in life. Sometimes it takes a harsh lesson to get through to us that our actions can have consequences. We all have bad habits. You aren't alone in that, but most of us learn from our mistakes and become better people from them. Those that don't, well...

As the famous quote goes.

"He who forgets history is doomed to repeat it."

Thanks that's really good advice. I am sitting back as best I can. It's so hard though when you cares so much! I want to know if his gran is OK, but I feel like even if I ask it'll seem false, you know? It's daft and probably what everyone says but I can't help but feel that we had something very very special, we told each other things and supported each other through stuff that was so very personal, and we were totally on the same wavelength. I just wish he could see that the mistakes I made are in the past, and aren't part of who I am now. Sometimes I wonder if he's made himself look at the mistakes in order to make breaking up with me easier, which sounds stupid I know.

OH trust me I know its hard... and it is because you care. All you can do however is wait and see. I've been there before, I know precisely what you mean.


There is a saying, Time heals all wounds. Its true... eventually in time the hurt will fade, eventually you wonder why you bothered at all because you have found someone even better, and at the very least you have learned something that makes you a better person.

Why does he care if your on Facebook or any other website? Shouldn't you at least have your own space from him and do the things you want to do? Why does it have to be all what he wants? I think you have the right to do what you want to do at time... But as for you going out and leaving him alone that's wrong, and I've seen that you said you're now including him into going out with you, that's good. I wish you all the best and I do hope things work out for the best :)

I think the Facebook reaction came from me havign had a myspacce before and him having been worried by the random men that emailed me on that (which I didn't invite at all, I have never even looked at another guy).

I am seeign him on Sunday now to discuss the furniture and bills etc. Have no idea how to act around him, it's going to be so hard!
Do I tell him I'm still not on Facebook? Or do I avoid all discussion of what I did wrong completely? So confused.
x

I think the Facebook thing was all just an excuse really for him to end it.

Don't mention it.

Discuss furniture , bills and leave it at that.

Im sorry but I have read through the 7 pages of decussion here, and I think that you need to come clean with how you feel to this man. If you don't want him to leave your life then you need to tell him. Call him and ask how his grandmother is, ask how he is. You're the one who messed up so you're the one who needs to fix it! Call him and ask him to come over because there are some things that you need to talk to him about. If you don't want him to leave your life then be TOTALLY HONEST WITH HIM! Tell him how your talking to someone about everything, and your trying to be a better person, how you totally GOT RID OF FACEBOOK AND MYSPACE! Don't let him get away. If you cry that's not a bad thing becasuse that means that you have a heart and you have feelings. I can not stress it enough to tell him how you feel about everything, and don't let him split through your fingers because you don't know how to act when your around him, just come out with everything. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you LOVE Him and how much you don't want him to leave!

I have tried that quite a few times though and it seems like he always backs away... I know exactly what you mean but he seems so decided that this is the right path for him, that his lfe is better without me because he can concentrate on himself. There've been moments where he's seemed unsure (saying he'll remain faithful to me,saying he'll think about counsellling etc) but then he just backs away again.

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Originally Posted by hpallister

You're right, and it's so true, I was scared because I have made peope my world before and been terribly hurt so I guess the things I did were a way of defending myself. I failed to see that when you becaome a couple you have to share. As an only child I guess I wasn't ready for this!

I would give anything to give him the relationship he wants. I just wish I could have his love and trust like I had before, I wish I could have done the growing up I've done in the past few months earlier.

Can you fall in love with someone you've been with before all over again?

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Yes, because time makes your feelings change. It happens often. Sometimes you just need time to know how you feel about someone.

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Originally Posted by hpallister

I think the facebook reaction came from me havign had a myspacce before and him having been worried by the random men that emailed me on that (which I didn't invite at all, I have never even looked at another guy).

I am seeign him on sunday now to discuss the furniture and bills etc. Have no idea how to act around him, it's going to be so hard!
Do I tell him I'm still not on facebook? or do I avoid all discussion of what I did wrong completely? So confused.
x

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If its possible to make your page "inactive" or to hide it that's the best thing for now. I know someone Im dating and he is so threatened by my myspace and I don't even take it seriously. I add everything and he actually believes I know all those people. I just add everyone to be nice.

Then you need to just keep telling him how much you love him and how much you messed up and want to make it work if you love him that much and want to be with him. You need to tell him everything that you have been telling us here. Maybe even try showing him what you posted on here with all your responses. I hope everything works our for you hun, I know what your going though I have been there before... Take care of you.

Have you seen this work before? Most people are saying I should stick to no contact, but I feel there's so much I want to say... x

It worked for me before. You never give up on something that you love and want. If there's something that you want to say then say it. Because life is to short to hold anything back. Read my quote, If you love this man as much as you say you do and you have been happy and he was happy with you as well then you to must of shared a special bond, and that's not worth sitting back and giving up on. I just learned that about 5months ago. If you love him and want to be with him and have a future with him, and if you were the one who screwed up, then why would you sit back and say nothing? You're the one that has to make things right if you were the one to make them bad. Do you know what I mean?

Yeha, you're right, I just feel like he's backed off completely and doesn't want to hear any more excuses or apologies, it's so hard to read him because he's not behaving like the person I know. So how do I apologise without only confirming the reasons he broke up with me? X

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Originally Posted by hpallister

Have you seen this work before? Most people are saying I should stick to no contact, but I feel there's so much I want to say... x

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Getting on your knees and begging him to listen to 'your side of the story' is a little too late.
From his perspective there was no 'sharing' in the relationship. You DID NOT communicate then, and he doubts (well founded) that you changed 180 degrees overnight, and trying to be the woman he wants. No matter what you do it's not going to work.. You've tried to talk to him and he wants you to flat out leave him alone. As far as the porno, hey.. he rightly feels this is none of your business. He wants a break.. that's a fact.
Not matter how much you want to set things straight (in your opinion) he is not receptive.
From what I have read in your posts, it seems that you've shirked your responsibilities before and are not actively working on yourself. You still have him on the brain ----- MOVE ON, stop thinking of how he would feel, how he would react, and how he has changed!! You and his mother cannot make him into someone you want.. He's a free man and well capable of making his own mind up. AND he has, HE's moving on.

It's time that you do the same. Move on, get yourself some help, work on issues of priority - Wishing him back is not moving forward. The sooner you get over this the sooner you can heal. It's tough, but we've got to face the painful parts in life too.

You know that this is not going to get you anywhere. This is a long walk you have to take on your own and the sooner you get started the better.

If you think I'm wrong, try making a list of all the times where you two were really happy together. Now also make a list of the times where you disappointed him. Really look at those lists side by side and be honest. Once you've done that (without justifying all of your mistakes), get back with us and we'll work on it together. Your therapist can help you with this little project too - just start working on yourself.. OK?

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_11_59.gifYou should work on yourself and gain some strength back.

Stop apologising, and start telling him how you are trying to change keep asuring him that you love him and want to make it work. The words "im sorry" get real old real fast. That's why they say actions speak louder then words do. And you say that you are taking the right actions forward. When are you going to see him again? Hes not behaving like the person you knew because he is hurt and lost right now. He loves you I can bet, but he is afraid that you are going to do the same things again. You can't make him trust you, that is something that you have to earn back. And sometimes it take a LONG time. But most of the time its worth it in the end. You just have to be patient. Some great things are worth waiting for. Remember that. Try and make him listion to you, and how you feel. Just keep telling him how much you love him and how much you do not want to lose him. Tell him how you are going to counceling. And you are trying so hard to put forth and effort to change. And you want to do it with him.

I really am feeling stronger and have come to recognise that being a part of a couple is about GIVING love as well as receiving it, and I can see how may actions didn't demonstrate the love I felt and still feel. I think I am moving on, but the memories of the friendship and love and good times hold me back every so often.

I just don't want to lose him from my life, I guess, which sounds selfish, but what I mean is that I want to share my life with him.

Then you need to tell him that and make him listen.

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Originally Posted by hpallister

I really am feeling stronger and have come to recognise that being a part of a couple is about GIVING love as well as receiving it, and I can see how may actions didn't demonstrate the love I felt and still feel. I think I am moving on, but the memories of the friendship and love and good times hold me back every so often.

I just don't want to lose him from my life, I guess, which sounds selfish, but what I mean is that I want to share my life with him.

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After working on yourself, there will come a time when you can see him and talk to him in another tone... that will take TIME.. could be weeks, months, even years. But what is important is what you are going to do with yourself in the meantime.. This and only this should be your current concern. It is just not good for either of you to be 'just friends' right now, no matter for what reason.

You'll make it, I promise, because we all made it too...

My first fiancé and I still communicate - after 30 years - so it is possible.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifTime is on your side... use it wisely.

You need to decided what you want, if its him or just the thought of him. Because if you want him then tell him that if not you need to let him go and move on with your life.

OK, you acted a bit immaturely by going out and not inviting him out, getting drunk and expecting him to pick you up late at night, etc, but what's this thing about Facebook and my space? Surely, if you were only talking to old school friends, I don't think this should have come into it. Just because you didn't tell him about it? Don't you have rights to your own privacy? What's wrong with that? You were not cheating on him, so why can't he compromise?