Hey I know what you're saying, I just got out of a 4 year relationship last week.. I just keep up with sports and hang out with people and keep myself around others to keep me from feeling lonely.. that's the only thing that hurts
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Hey I know what you're saying, I just got out of a 4 year relationship last week.. I just keep up with sports and hang out with people and keep myself around others to keep me from feeling lonely.. that's the only thing that hurts
I think overcoming this challenge will be the hardest thing I've had to do in life, and I'm actually excited to think about how much smarter I am going to be once I get rid of all these emotions thinking about the past.
For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm finding myself and who I truly am (its funny because that's what she said she had to do, and then left for another guy) and it feels great. I can't think of a bigger kick in the butt than something like this.
Now if only she would stop coming back and visiting me all the time in my dreams and thoughts. I am going to try to learn to meditate, to attempt to clear my mind and thoughts but I don't even know where to start for info on that.
I know what you're saying. Every night I dream of her as well. The other night I had a dream that we even had a halfway decent conversation on the phone. A good way I found to rid your dreams of her isto fall asleep watching a movie. Its good though that you're almost getting over it though, finding happiness again where she left it.Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
I know that you are supposed to let your grief out and not bottle it up, but I'm wondering if there is a line you can cross. I feel like I think about her too much, and I'm really feeling despair about the whole situation. I just don't know if I'm doing it to myself or if its perfectly natural. Im just worried that there is some sort of loop you can get stuck in that will prevent moving onwards, I really don't want that to happen.
If its not normal then I am crossing the line too. I still think about him all the time. No matter what I do.
It is good you can recognise the difference between the things you cause, and the things you have no control over. Many think that because we know what to do as far as moving on, sometimes our feelings won't let us. Many of us need counseling to guide us through the process of letting go. When we are hurt, it is natural to grieve the loss of comfort, and we do with time. Letting go of a live person is so much harder it seems, and takes a lot of work. Time helps but no way do you get away from the fact that you have work to do. Just my opinion, but most of us that cannot move on, have other deeper issues to deal with, but we have no clue as to how. That's the dilemma we face as we must know what the root problem is and take the correct action to solve it. There is no shame to be stuck on stupid, where our heart is concerned. It does take time and healing.Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
Geez, give yourself a break!! After all the years you have spent with your B/F, You have a mighty big hole in your soul to fill. It takes a lot of time. A lot of time.Quote:
If its not normal then I am crossing the line too. I still think about him all the time. No matter what I do.
Thanks tal, And you are so right about a hole in my soul. That's exactly how I would describe it. I think I'm just being a little impatient about my healing. Ive taken all the steps suggested like no contact and Ive asked everyone that knows him not to tell me anything he's up to or doing in his new life. I just need to remember that it's going to take longer then a couple of months to get past the constant bombardment of memories and pain.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I want to congratulate you on your road to recovery. Getting her out of the house was a big step and it was the right thing to do. Don't be so hard on yourself about the whole situation. She is the one that needs a reality adjustment. You mentioned that you daydream about your future together. A future with this girl can not be a good one. Even if she reforms her ways, somewhere along the way, you will never be able to fully trust her again. Trust is a huge thing in a relationship. You are so much better being without her and although it hurts right now, it will get better. You are doing all of the right things. Now all you need to do is be patient with yourself. Healing from break ups isn't an overnight thing. If it was, we would not have the opportunity to learn from the experience to make a difference for the future. From every bad situation like this, there is always something to be learned. You seem like you are a very perceptive person. In the future, follow your gut instinct. They generally do not lead you astray. Also, give yourself a pat on the back for being on the road to recovery. You will get there, it just takes time.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, it always helps to hear that Im not completely lost on the road to recovery. I think I think about her maybe 5 less minutes every day, but eventually that will be 0. I can't wait. It really helps to not have any real mementos around the house to remind me of her (I boxed up everything she gave me or we bought together for the house and gave it back to her when she moved out) but its so weird as well. Its funny how much stuff has gone wrong in the last week and it hasn't phased me at all, I'm not sure if its good or if its bad haha (broke both pairs of glasses, big rental increase, and have been given 15 days to pay some debts of mine). I don't know if its all the 'think positive' books I've been reading, or I'm just numb to it all.
Today has been a really really weird day. I know in my mind a month ago I told myself I could take the next month to grieve it all and get it over with. Today was the last day, and I feel surprisingly well. I hope the feeling sticks (tommorow would have been our 1 year aniversary).
For the first time in the last 2 months, when I start thinking about her/the situation in my mind, its like I'm looking at it through frosted glass. The details that hurt so bad aren't as detailed, the faces are blurry and the memories are fading. For the first time in 2 months I was able to focus on my work for more than 3 hours without needing a 'break' (time alone to feel like dirt).
I would really like to thank all of you who have posted some great advice, and I would also suggest to everyone else to LISTEN to the advice these people are giving you! I know at first I read the advice, but didn't apply any of it. I didn't start healing until I make a real effort to heal. I know I will probably have a relapse and be back here asking for more help but its so great to have this place to talk.
I am so happy for you. Keep up the road to recovery and keep us posted!
Good on you Madaman , I'm real glad YOU can see your own progress!
Today is off to a horrible start...
Today would have been our one year anniversary. Today is also the last date that I have tied to her in my mind for anything. So it will be nice to get it over with, but I dread the thoughts that will come today. Of course the day was started with a dream of me and her running into each other and talking about why the breakup had to happen... I hate dreams! Im trying to turn it around and be positive for the rest of the day. If I can do it on a day like today, then every other day will be a breeze.
Do I ever miss her though. :(
Days like anniversary's etc. will always make you feel a little empty , that's normal so don't think you are going backwards with this. Soon you will have more good days than bad and before you know it you will be having a lot more good days so just keep it up with NC and get that little bit better each day. I bet next anniversary you will look back and see how this all happened for the best. Keep your chin up mate :-)
The day after the anniversary, doing OK.
Its weird, the movies in my mind are slowly turning to still photos over time, and the photos hurt a lot less. I think its really sad that it had to come to this (ie forgetting about her) but what choice do we have in the situation. Im scared that I'm going to get stuck in the depression stage, I really long for the day that I am OK. I still miss her a ton. Bah.
Ok I have a weird question to ask those who aren't going through this right now.
What do you think about if you aren't dealing with a broken heart? Its been 2 months of constant thoughts about my ex, and I really just want it to stop. Is it just a matter of replacing her thoughts with other ones? I honestly don't remember what my thoughts were like when I wasn't dealing with this. I look around at people not going through this, who are happy and I try to imagine what their thoughts are like. I know in time I will get over this/her, but there is still parts of my mind that don't want me to.
I know people say that who you are is defined by how you can handle these types of situations, and I want to make the best of it. Is extended grieveing considered a bad thing? I just can't see this going away any time soon, but I don't want to keep it going longer than it has to. Ive admitted to myself that what I had with her will never return, so I've moved past that point. Im just missing her right now (just the her that was around when we were dating).
I doubt this post made any sense, but this is the sort of trainwreck that is going on in my brain constantly.
Madaman
What you are going through is the normal (for want of a better word) process. Don't stress about it. TIME is all that it takes believe me. As more time goes by the less you will start thinking of her. And you will smile again and be happy so start focusing on that time , it will come.
Excellent question and not at all weird, click on the links in my signature for some excellent insights and I will add that it's the hard work your willing to put in on yourself, that will determine how long you have these thoughts. These thought are so normal and the posts I have for you will explain a lot and give you the tools to succeed. That and NO CONTACT! Good Luck and bring your questions back here after you have read both posts.Quote:
Its been 2 months of constant thoughts about my ex, and I really just want it to stop. Is it just a matter of replacing her thoughts with other ones? I honestly don't remember what my thoughts were like when I wasn't dealing with this.
^^ you have no idea how many times I've read those two posts. Usually every day in the morning.
Its nice to know I'm not deviating from the normal course of healing. It is tough to know that yourself, because all you feel is pain (although it is LESS pain).
The one thought Ive had is, I'm wondering if I will always be the one who gets dumped (or cheated on in this case). Is it a person to person thing, or changes ? Ive just been doing some inner reflection and I am wondering if maybe I hang on to the end until they have to do it? I think back to the relationship I just got out of and I saw many signs that it would have to end eventually (one being the fact she was a HUGE flirt even in front of me) and many many other issues. Ive since learned that you can't fix crazy, which is a lesson I will remember for the future.
I would hate to just dump my next girlfriend to prove this trend wrong haha. I read some other sites like askmen sometimes, and I really don't want to be the type of guy that they tell you to be. I also don't want to be dumped again and again though. There has to be some happy middle ground right? Id like to believe that this is just a part of 'growing up' and its what makes people into who they are later on. When I look at the big picture like that its not so bad, but when I look at a picture of her (only in my mind, they are all gone) it sucks.
You know what, if you live in fear of getting dumped or trying to dump first... you will miss out on a many wonderful things. Instead of looking at what you have lost... tell me what you have learned about yourself and others with this situation. It can help put a better spin on it for you.
Ive learned to not rush things, that you really can't know a person after only 6 months (and definetely don't let them move in). Ive learned that if I found this girl, I can find others (better too). Ive learned that I don't need a girlfriend to be happy (although it is nice). The one big thing I'm working on right now, is fixing/bettering myself for myself, not for others. Also to not rely on others to help/do it for me.
I still miss 'her' more than anything though which really sucks.
It is really okay to miss someone. But look at all that you have learned from the situation. You even said that you can find others that are better suited to you. You, then, realize that she is not your cup of tea. So feel free to miss her... but realize that she isn't what you wanted. Going through a break up is kind of like dealing with a death. You go through the different stages of the grieving process and such. In the end, you have acceptance. You may miss the person for quite some time... that is normal. But it doesn't mean that you want or need them back either. You have developed a lot from this experience. Now is the perfect time to go out and meet new people. This doesn't mean get a girlfriend... but just go out and meet different people. Socialize... because we are very social creatures. Take each meeting at face value. You are not looking for a serious girlfriend or a wife... you just want to expand your pool of friends. Once you do this, you will find that you will miss her less and less. It is kind of like after someone dies, your life stops. Then once you have reached acceptance, life starts to move... very slowly at first... and then before you know it, things are back to normal. You will still think about the person from time to time, as they shared part of your life, but it won't consume you. You are making it through. WHOO HOOOO! Keep us posted and God bless!
Well went on my first date in a long time last night. I dreaded going the whole day, but as soon as I met up with her it was great and I had a fun time. Didn't think about my ex ONCE the whole night. Im definetely not jumping into anything right now though, still have a lot of fixing on my part to do. A TON.
Its great that you had a good time and didn't think about your ex once. Keep meeting people and keep yourself busy. That's the best way to get over the pain. Counseling also helps.
Well I have to say, relapses suck. Its so hard to not think about good times you had once in the past, and then it just snowballs. It is weird, because I don't want her to phone me, but every day that she doesn't I wonder how she could not want to talk to me again at some point. Talk about wasted brain cells thinking about that situation.
Ive hit 40+ days of NC, and that is why I'm healed to the point I am, thank goodness. Im hoping 20 more and I will be a-ok. In the end, I have to be right?
One major thought that I have been having recently is that I'm GLAD this has happened, but for a few reasons. Im glad because it turned out she was crazy. The thing I'm glad about the most, is that I am living through this, and I know I can tackle much bigger issues. I haven't had many experiences like this in life and its an eye opener as to what can happen in life. Its like solving a big problem on a test, you feel good once you find the answer. I know I will look back and be glad that this happened and that I made the best of the situation. My heart goes out to all of you who can't start the healing process for one reason or another, I personally couldn't take the pain of hanging on to false hope again so I actively chose the route to healing this time.
It will get easier... but look for another woman... nothing helps you get over a loser like that one faster than a different one to help highlight what was wrong with the other one. It gives you a strong frame of reference to focus on rather than idiolised memories.
IN the end you are better off, after all she could have gotten knocked up and claimed it was you that did it and bled you dry when it was the other guy... the system has shafted a lot of men forcing them to pay child support for a kid fathered by someone else.
And yeah, like it or not, I don't think any non-biological father should be forced to pay to raise someone else's kid. And I'm all for DNA testing to definitively prove parenthood before they slap that on somebody.
Count your blessings you are getting out this easy. It could have been far worse.
The baby thing has happened to me before, luckily (as sick as that sounds) she had a miscarriage and I was able to walk away from that situation. I am already going out on dates with a couple other women, and it is fun. Just waiting for the day I don't think about my ex in 'that light', or any light for that matter.
One step at a time... first go a day without thinking about her, then a week, then a month.Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
Eventually you will wonder why you even got upset about her and see her for the slut she is rather the woman you thought she was. She made her choice and has to live with it now, and you have the choice to find a woman who really loves you and respects you. Unlike her.
Well back to my favourite part of the cycle, the relapse. It is really easy to lose sight on the goals/progress I've made. It is really weird too, but I think its because I took it to the next level. I erased really the last known link to her of mine, which was a friend of hers I talked to on Facebook every now and then. I can't wait for the day I don't think about that crazy broad anymore.
Delete her from your life FOR EVER :)
Why would I go to all this trouble and work to let the mean bit** back into my life :)
She sounds psycho. This is the type of girl that would get pregnant by some other guy and never tell you :mad:Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
So minor update, its been 7 weeks on NC and I have not once have I really felt the urge to call her (as nothing good or positive could come from in). I do feel like I'm in a bit of a slump lately though and it really sucks. I don't know WHERE the thoughts came from but Ive started thinking about how she could leave me for someone else. My confidence has been pretty high the last couple weeks, but then it causes me to think why would someone want to leave me then if I'm so great?
The thoughts just sort of spiral out of control really quickly, and I don't know what to do.
You made it 7 weeks... work on the next 7 weeks. You will find it will be even easier, and your thoughts of her will be even less. Always look forward, never look back. You can't change what was, but you do have some control over what will be.Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
Actually that's great advice, and yeah the next 7 weeks should be a hell of a lot easier. I guess I should set some new goals for the next 7 weeks and work on those so I have something to focus on.
I had a weird moment in my car driving home from work yersterday. I had been having a super bad day, very depressed etc for the 4th day in a row. As I was driving I just said to myself "you decide what kind of day you are going to have, you can decide to be happy". I used to laugh at people who said those types of things worked, but it actually worked for me.
madaman, I know how you are feeling. 7 weeks is a long time. Keep up the good NC. I am as well. It is crazy to think how easy it is for our ex's to just remove someone out of there lives so easily. They are really undeserving of our thoughts you know.
So I'm driving to work today and my phone rings, I luckily look at the caller ID before I answer and its her. I forced myself to not answer the phone and just let it ring out. I never thought I Would see her name/# on the caller ID screen again. Of course she didn't leave a message, but this has shook me up pretty bad now. Im at day 54 of no contact and I really don't want to start again if she keeps trying to contact me. Im sitting at work here right now and my mind is racing.
This really sucks because I want my life with her back so bad, but I know in my heart that it would never work out after what she did. What a horrible situation to be in!!
Just stick with the no contact thing. You did right by not talking to her. Like I said, focus on the next seven weeks, and meeting new people, not on her. If you do think of her, just remind yourself what a nasty thing she did. That will help you get past her. Don't think good thoughts, if you find yourself doing this, remind yourself about what she did, and mentally picture her with that guy when you were happily oblivious. That will help set your mind right.
But do focus on your future, and making a new life. After all life is what you make it.
When I saw her name on the caller ID, my mind shot instantly to the 54 days in a row I have written in my notebook, one day written at a time for each day NC and there was NO way I was starting that list of days again.
I also know that she was probably calling to ask something or for something, and would have lied/been nice to get it and then disappear again anyway so its not a big loss for me. I also know that I never want her back (well I want the old one back but she doesn't exist anymore) so there really was no point talking to her.
All this is logical and I am a very logical person, so why does it throw me for such a loop? Its kind of funny, but by not answering the phone it was almost like plugging your ears and make noise so you can't hear something... aka trying to believe its not being said or it isn't happening. Hopefully this wears off quick as I really don't want to be back to day 1.
The worst part is I'm looking for a new roommate right now and getting lots of unknown numbers phoning me, and I'm really going to dread answering the phone now.
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