No contact is not a quick fix and is a heckuvalot of work on your part. If you want the easy way consult a psychic.
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No contact is not a quick fix and is a heckuvalot of work on your part. If you want the easy way consult a psychic.
I haven't contacted at all in almost a month. 4 more days and one month
What I did once was keep the TV on all night on a channel that has a lot of narration (i.e. Discovery, Documentary). Something that can 'lull' you to sleep and is of no particular interest to you at the moment. As long as it is not a show that will make you associate with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
After exercise, take a hot shower or bath, drink some warm milk and read a book until you fall asleep. Get a book you know is going to keep your interest low, but read it anyway - good training.
Any distraction that you can find is good right now, as long as you get enough rest. If you can, even try to stay up all night doing other things and sleep during the day.. if the job will allow (like on weekends).
Try to stay away from those 'routine' things you did with her as much as possible.
P.S. DON'T try and dampen the pain with alcohol... that will only make things worse.
You'll probably get a few more suggestions here.. so just stay with us.
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While I'm at it.. here's another suggestion:
Move your furniture around. If she stayed with you at your place a lot, take the place apart and re-decorate. Remove all those 'little' things that you both acquired for the 'household'. Get new salt and pepper shakers, new linen for the bed, new pillow covers for the couch, new scented candles... well you get the picture.
If possible, move the bed to another spot in the room, just rearrange all that you can so that it will 'feel' like it's just your place alone.
When you enter you should think: MY PLACE.. and not OUR PLACE. Open all the windows and let new fresh air in. Light candles with a whole new scent. Change things in the bathroom - out with the old and in with the new... even down to changing the brand of soap and toilet paper. I'm serious!
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_8_4v.gifNew sheets, new dreams...
Hey! Listen, the more you chase her, the more she's going to run.
Maybe she thinks your going to be there all the time. So, if things don't work out between her and the new guy, she thinks your going to be there as her second plan.
I'd wait and have no contact. Don't make your life suitable for her. Enjoy some time with your child.
I have had zero contact since the split. Its not like we broke up and she waited a month she had me on the back burner because afer the split she took of for a week to Florida with this guy. I will not contact her in any way shape or form. She needs to contact me bottom line. Im not chasing her. I have always done that in the past but not this time. Im done. THe only way I will even think about taking her back is if she calls me crying and being histarical. Other wise I don't need her drama. She made a big mistake and I don't know if she will ever realize it but one day she will. It all seriousness NO MAN WANTS TO BE WITH A WOMEN WHO ALREADY HAS A KID OUT OF WEDLOCK. Sure they might want to fool around with her but that's about it, She will hit a brick wall soon enough and she will come back like you say because she knows I will always be there but this time I won't be not even close. She has lost me this time and even though I love her with every last ounce of my blood, what she has done to me is almost unforgivable. She will be back this I do no. WHen that I don't no. But I will no longer let her take advantage of me. After reading these posts and realized where I have always been going wrong. I will not let her have this control over my emoition. She might not care now but one day she will and by then it will be way to late. I see my son on sun. Haven't seen him in 3 weeks because of her. She wants me to chase her but it isn't going to happen. She is used and abused and I want to say that to her so so bad but I won't. She will eat the words she said to me. Im moving on and although I think of her like crazy and want to be with her I just won't allow it this time. Not after all of this. Only way is for her to be histarical and that is just the start
Hey Crushed.. great that you will have some time with your son..
Have you made any plans for that day or are you going to just 'hang' around?
Whatever you do, just try very hard not to show too much of your anger in his presence, or he might think it's his fault. Don't put her down in his presence either, that will only backfire.. OK?
Hug him, hold him, show him your pride in him and make a promise to yourself that no matter what, you'll always be there for him.
I know you can do it.
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I made that promis to him and her the day I found out she was preganant. I made a promis to her twin brother my best friend rest in piece that I would ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER AND HIM. Sucks because I will always be there for her but for right now she needs to see that I won't be. And she will find out that the decision she made will affect her for the rest of her life. I love my little guy. He iss only two just turned in aug. I don't speak poorly of her in front of him. And I am always positive in his presence. I will take him to the park and fishing. Just do guy stuf with m little guy. I got him a fire fighters costume for halloween. I can wait to see m little guy...
Going out tonight.. what if I see her?
I have my son today but I can't help but think of his mom. I love her so much and I just want her and I to work threw our issues and past issues. I still have trouble coping how she can just leave after all we have been threw. And this no contact I know it is for me but I thought it should have some affect on her...
Some one on this forum said...
They are consciously not thinking about you. So they are thinking about NOT thinking about so... basically they are thinking about you.. This helped. I know I shouldn't worry about what she is doing and really I'm not. What I am worried about is me not pursuing her will make her move on faster. Im at a lose of words. I truly love her and I know she truly loves me but we have issues we both need to get over.. But we both need too so I don't no what to do.
NC is the right thing to do. But don"t let her put you on a guilt trip by saying things like "be a man", etc. What you need to do is live your life the way that's right for you, by your own rules. Since she gave you the runaround, don't call her an don't be available to her. If she calls you and tries to get back together with you, then do so but on your terms and conditions. I'm not telling you to give her a list of written rules to sign but you carry those rules around in your head and abide by them. If she doesn't go along, then there are consequences. Get the picture? That's actually the best way to prove to her that you're a real man ; not by trying to blindly conform to her expectations.
Well her expectations are also my own. Really I enjoy working and saving money. IM 25 as she is. We have had a long history and every one I talk to says "oh she will be back" then they say mabe not for the right reasons but she will be back.. My question also is so many people say this but if you were her and did these things how could you even have the balls to face me let alone ask to get back together.
Because she sees you as the "Safety Net" She sees you have your head on your shoulders and you have a direction in life (Secure). This is the same problem with my ex she kept falling on me when it didn't work out with others.
Putting a guilt trip on her won't work. She's a master of that art herself so she'll see right through it. As the others have been telling you, you need to man up and live your life the way that's right for you (without neglecting your son, of course.) Make it clear to her, without saying so much in words, that you are the master of your own destiny and you don't conform to anyone else's expectations but your own. That's what'll impress her most of all. It might not win her back, and if it doesn't then there's plenty of fish in the ocean but she'll acquire more respect for you one way or the other. Trying to constantly please others is no way to live your life.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
What you quoted was things I would want to ask. . Not a guilt trip.. If you read the post above that you would see cher said to just ask questions I would want to ask on this forum. I'm not going to contact her at all. I am just going to live my life. She needs to be the one to contact me. Im not trying to impress her. Im trying to impress myself and impress my son . SO when he is older I can say I worked my off to give you the best life I could.
But if she doesn't come back for the right reasons then you don't want her back, period. The fact that other people make this observation makes it clear that she's a user and takes advantage of people and she's taking advantage of you.Quote:
every one I talk to says "oh she will be back" then they say mabe not for the right reasons but she will be back..
Simple ; because you let her get away with it. She knows that she can walk all over you and you'll still always be there for her. That's exactly why you need to start playing by your own rules and nobody else's. When she sees that you play by the rules, she'll have no choice but to do so herself as well.Quote:
My question also is so many people say this but if you were her and did these things how could you even have the balls to face me let alone ask to get back together.
I'm going out to breakfest with my boy. Can you or any women explain if and how this could be.. Thanks so much scianci. I understand ill be playing by my rules. But how can she come back if she knows shem essed up..
Crushed.. right now you should not even give a darn what she is thinking.
You are healing from a broken heart, and that, like a broken bone, needs to have a chance to heal without being injured again and again in the same place, and by the same person.
Keep that cast around your heart (no contact) and work on your mind as well.
She messed up and used you... she will also have to learn things the hard way. We can hope that she learns as quick as you do, but that is still up to her. She might not learn to grow up for years but that should not stop you from going on with your life and being the calm and collected father your son deserves. If your mind is off wandering, he will feel that you are not all there with him and for him. Don't make him come in second in your life now, make him feel he's the apple of your eye.
s_cianci also spelled it out to you very well..
We are not wasting your time or our's here.. we seriously know what we are talking about and want to help you. It does NOT MATTER if she wants to come back now or ever... until she's grown up, she won't even know why..
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I understand. Just hard hearing what I don't want to hear. Just hanging out with my son makes me miss her. Just us doing things as a family..
For your sake, and that of your sons', you had better learn how to handle those feelings.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
I no howto handle them. Doesn't mean I can control them. I conduct myself in a great manner in front of my little guy. When him and I are together it isall about him. Just because I'm thinking of his mom in my head doesn't mean I'm not providing for him.
Just cautioning you that kids are soon keen on homing in 'feelings' around them. They suck up emotions like a sponge. We adults think that as long as we 'act' right, all is well. But children can see when we are putting on an act and wonder if they are at fault. Why do you think so many psychologists specialized in 'child psychology'? Because we now realize that we cannot 'hide' fundamental emotions, or anything else from them. Just aking you to be aware. If you have to think of her, don't do it 24/7, restrict your thoughts to a limit and let other thoughts take over once in a while.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
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I happens in spurts. Ill be OK and staying strong then I just break.. I really miss her./ And I love her. I know that as soon as I am moved on and not care any more that is when she will come back and I hate that because I know it is true.
We don't know that, and you don't know that.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
The only thing I do know is that if you keep thinking this way and not let go, you will be at a standstill.
If she does come back AFTER YOU LET GO... good. That way you'll have control over yourself and the situation.
If you don't let go and heal, you will not regain your crucially needed self-respect. The only one who will benefit from this scene is her.. not you, not your child.
If you were a woman, or another man, what would you think of yourself in this weakened condition.
Sorry that it sounds like I'm repeating myself here but you need to stand up for yourself, and that does not mean you constantly repeating how much you love her, etc. SHE DOES NOT CARE at this point.
It's time you start caring about yourself a lot more.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_137.gifYour are no longer love-sick kid. Those day are over - you are a father now.
That is the mother of your child, and she will always be special. For now, just accept the way things are, and really focus on you. Unlike others who come here after a break up, it is so important that you both work together for this special child you have created. As a man and father, you are the one who must find a way, to not only move on, and have a life that makes you happy without her, but have to be in her life, and that isn't easy but let your child be your incentive to be at your best. She is so innocent. Not fair she bear the burden of the adults. I know that it will not be easy to balance all that out, but you must succeed. You don't have the luxury of walking completely away. You can do this, and you have my support.
Well thanks tali.. I have a little boy not a girl lol but I hear what your saying. I am trying to be the best I can be with my little guy. Im trying to work my off so I can provide things for him as he gets older. Right now things cheap for a 2 yr old preety much. But I'm bustin my to save money for my future along with his. This halloween I am taking him out and he is going to be a fire fighter along with me. Im in training for firefighting. I was thinking of asking his mom "th ex" if she would like to come along. No pressure just going to ask her if she is there if she would like to come along. Is this wrong? I just want my son and his parents to take him trick or treating. I will not mention her and I. Nor will I allow the conversation to get started. If it does start about anything to do with her and I, I will simply say now is not the time to talk about this mabe another time. That is ishe decides to come. Haven't spok to her in basically a month and a half. Really a month since I started the no contact. Month and a half sinc we split. Or should I not even bother asking her to come along? Im trying to be cival and for my son not to miss out on family time..
Ask your son if he wants mom to come along too. If he does, then deal with it. It's OK to let him talk about her, she's his mom, and he will find it difficult to not talk about her sometimes. Play it by ear, and be as casual about it as you can.
We know it's not easy, just try to stay cool.
Good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifBy the way, Halloween is still a month away.. try and focus on a more current calendar...
He is only 2. He doesn't speak all that much. I don't think he would really know the difference if she came. He and I are 25 he is onl two. And I plan on playing it by ear
If he's only 2, then I would not bother asking mom to come along. There are times when toddlers enjoy being with just one parent at a time to be able to bond, and they don't need both all the time. Make the time with him special and keep mom out of it for a while. He will remember the good times with dad.. as well as the good times with mom, grandmother, etc. Here's a chance for you to help him build and keep great memories with dad - and those he'll keep forever.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
Just like in computers.. you're helping him build his database - just make sure it's not with junk.
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Why not enjoy your son by yourself and have a great time. I see no need in her being there for your quaulity time. That's the best way to avoid arguments and any awkward moments.
I have the worst urge to call her and ask her to meet face to face. I gavent spoke to her since the initiale split. I have questions and it bothers me that I have this urge. And partially I'm doing the no contact to try to get her to come back but I fell if I just do nothing then that won't increase my chances of getting her back. And I know I shouldn't be concernd with that but I am. I would love for her to want to work threw our issues. This kills me. I try and deal with this every time I think about it. I get angry and I don't want to be angry. I just want to let go and stop loving her. I just want to be free of this pain and burden. I just don't seem I can let go of her for good , as much as I think of trying I just can't let go . Her and I have way too much history for me to just walk away, And even though she has I just don't feel that I can. HELP ugh
Under certain circumstances the best way to deal with this would be to have no contact in ordet to make the statement that you will not let her walk all over you however the two of you have a child and that child should come first. Both of you have to deal with the fact that one another is going to be around at least until your son turns 18. My advice would be to contact her, show her that you are the bigger person BUT only discuss your son. Don't ask about her day, her new boyfriend, or how she feels about you. Your main concern should be your child and you should make that clear during these discussions. It will be really hard at first but yes history will keep repeating itself unless you stop it. I know that it is easier said than done but why would you want to be with a person that is constantly questioning their desire to be with you?
Getting angry is a big part of this process and you should let it happen.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
Not letting your true emotions, anger, pain, out is going into denial. Alcoholics go into denial, but they keep drinking until they get past this.
If you keep this up and deny yourself anger, you'll be back at square one and not have learned a darned thing.
But, we've told you this before, and I really hope it will soon sink in.
Have a good weekend.
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But who do I let me anger out too, I mean I someitmes want to just scream and yell at her. But then I think well that will get me know where. Then I think I will play the I don't care anymore care and just be civil and only speak of my son and that's it. Just act like nothing happen and act like she means nothing to me. I dot know.
What a great question, how to vent those feelings in a constuctive way. Most guys go in for physical exertion, through the gym, or sports, a good friend who is a great listener can help also. I think the best way is to organise your life in a way as to provide you with challenges, and new people, and makes you happy. Its hard to be angry when your doing what you enjoy doing. Be creative and do something you've never done so as to change the focus of your emotions and concentrate on something else besides your ex. Have you ever volunteered your time to something worthy? Try it and gain a new perspective of yourself. Anger requires action, whether positive or negative is up to you. Stay positive and have no regrets later.Quote:
But who do I let me anger out too,
Also.. Is it ever possible to be more then a safety net.
Hey crush, I just have read all your story, and I just want to show you my complete support. I'm passing through some sort of a similar situation, and I recognize in my flesh and bones what you feeling right now.
All I can say for now, is everything this wonderful people are recommend you, not only is THE WAY but even is VITAL. It is the right path. It sucks to fight those feelings but the advise of Cherry about the exercises on how not to think about it, worth every word.
You as well as me and others in this situations, have to learn how to implemment step by step this thing of "not been a safety net" for ANYBODY but us. We know it's not healthy, but we need that little push.
Go ahead man! We have to!
Flying solo this time :)
Does history repeat its self
Yes it does. I have a history of failing and it is repeated every day
OK well I'm preety PISSED I just found out that about 2 weeks agi she took my son to Florida to go see the guy she left me for. SHE TOOK MY FUGGIN SON. I want to call her and yell. I WONT>> NC all the way. BUT
OK so here is the scoop. I have not spoker to her but one of her friends told me what has been going on. Her friend is disgusted by her behavior. She took my son to Florida to see this guy that she just met. We live in canada he lives in Florida. He is 36 and I hear he has money. 3 cars a truck corvette and something else. So I'm preety pissed she took him to Florida. But now my buddys girlfriend said that my ex told her that she wants to marry this guy after only knowing him for 2 months and out of the 2 months only hung out with him for 3 solid weeks. Should I be worried. I know its over but this is kind of heartbreaking. I mean a week before we broke up she wanted me to ask her to marry her now she wants this new guy because he has money and she likes the idea. Do you think it is a phase ? So right now I guess she is in a long distance relationship. But she is so nieve to think that this guy is only sleeping with her. 36 and has money living in Florida he probably has multiple girls. Women what do you think..
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