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To Me It Seems As Though He Has Moved On And Wants To Keep U Just In Case. However Nice He May Be Do U Think Hes Being Fair To U And Ur Feelings? Put The Cards On The Table. Let Him Know What U Want And How U Feel. If Hes Not Feeling The Same Its Time To Move On. But Be Clear With Him As Well As Yourself. It Hurts To Be Just Friends. (once A Releationship Has Ended Being Friends May Not Always Be Best For Either). Good Luck
Yes it seems as though he's moved on. My x fiancé acted like he was moving on. When I finally surrendered all the ways it wasn't working and sought the loving way to repair the relationship... miracles started happening right before my eyes!:DQuote:
Originally Posted by LEILA007
Can you please explain what you wrote above. It sounds interesting.Quote:
Originally Posted by trishette
Anyway, he called me yesterday and left a message on my cellphone saying he needed to talk to me and to please call him back. He never leaves messages saying "he needs to talk to me". The messages will usually be, "want to go for dinner and catch up" or "wanted to see how you were doing" or "merry christmas", etc.
So I actually called him back. He started to say sorry for everything that had happened. He said he made many mistakes with us and that we would have never been over it wasn't for him. I had never heard him say these things before... it was shocking and I began to cry.
I thought that he found out I had started seeing someone from work this past week. So I told him he's only feeling this way because of Kyle. And he said he didn't even know I was dating someone. Then he started to say sorry, and didn't want to ruin things for me and this new guy. He said that all he wanted to say was that he is sorry for the past.
And I asked him if that was it, and he said yeah. I was too scared to press him on... although a part of me felt that he was trying to tell me he still loved me. We talked a bit and caught up, but he would slightly bring us back to memory lane. He would also keep saying sorry for the past, and that he would often think about me.
What does this all mean? I'm happy because this was totally unexpected, but then confused too. I'm not sure what to do. I've heard of people saying that ex's come back and just test you to see if you still love them. I'm not sure. What do I do?
I will be glad to expound on what I discovered and it's working for me. I will get back to you with the details as soon as I can. I have to get to an appointment right now yet wanted you to know I will be glad to share with you. BREATHE! :) T.
What Trishette says sounds promising! Can't wait to hear her news! :)
It sounds as though he is looking at the relationship from a more balanced angle at least and is seeing how certain thinngs must have felt for you - this is a big step! Next time you speak to him, don't mention Kyle at all, and see what he says. Your confusion is understandable but he is obviously confused too - give things time, and protect yourself - make sure you're happy in yourself. It could be that he's simply feeling guilty and wants to fix things in that respect, or it could be that he wants you back, it's too soon to tell. If you two do reunite though, you must move forward in a different and hopefully stronger relationship, and let go of the pst as best you can.
X
ok here goes...first off, you have to be told i am a believer in the Creator of the Universe whom i call God (Jesus). This doesn't prevent me from getting rained on anymore or less than the UNbeleiver. The difference is...i understand because i sought the knowledge of HIS ways. It's always about HIM showing us to ourselves, Sad Soul (and i would like to suggest your name to be changed.) Being sad is like being in a prison. i'm going to do my best to tell you, as condensed as possible how i broke OUT of the obsession...i was "stuck" in a non working behavior relationship with my x. i'm going to list some of this behavior and perhaps you will recognize some of it in yourself. Explaining,reasoning,pressuring,being depressed,i swore i would be "more loving" towards him, i promised i'd "change", i threatened, begged, whined, argued, blamed, tried avoiding him, pleaded, prayed, wished, hoped, expected him to change or do something different, pointed out his shortcomings, had tantrums, accused him of "using me", i was angry, tried to show him how "wrong he was", i put him down, and worst...called all my friends for "advice." All that did was dig the grave deeper everytime i heard myself tell the things 'he' was doing to 'me.' Of course they sided with me because, isn't that a "friends obligation?" Guess what? Until i admitted the way I was pushing this wonderful man away from me (subconscienceously from past triggered wounding)...the relationship was doomed. Hear me...we can't control what other people do and if you try to become what THEY want you to be, you will only wind up resenting them in the long run and the relationship will not last. When J and i first met, we had great times together. It was fun getting to know each other. Then the "real us" starts showing and this is where the trouble begins. Because i didn't have the tools to be any other way, i wasn't accepting him for who he was. i didn't listen enough, i would tell him he was wrong about something and wasn't allowing him to have his own opinion/feelings about a subject. Listen, i did so many things UN aware. i really am trying to condense this...after i LET GO and gave the whole situation to God, He started showing me, first off, to apologize. After i did this and J saw how truly sorry i was, he said let's forgive each other and let all of the past go. Now, this is where the change has to come in...this did NOT mean we were to be INSTANTLY back to being engaged again!! This process takes TIME. When i started to do the OPPOSITE of what i HAD been doing, it brought the good side out in him. i amazed myself, believe me. i stopped calling him, sending emails, writing letters and taping them to his door, stopped with the cards and gifts, ya know... all the things we do to "get the person back?" We needed time to HEAL. i had been so sick and obsessed over the break up for 3 weeks straight. Within this time i started 'applying' the "new and improved" me. When i wrote out my request to the LORD about getting re-engaged, i put it and our picture, in a special envelope and LEAVE it in my Bible. i am now ok NOT knowing the outcome because i KNOW the LORD has the BEST plan for the both of us. You HAVE to surrender and ADMIT the powerless of it all (otherwise you feel you have to control it.)Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
The other day when we saw each other, he walked over to me, without a word and kissed me so tenderly on my forehead. (he 's also called me several times and the conversations have been short and sweet)Wow! You have to remember, we had had a really hard break up. i said NOTHING about the relationship, NOTHING about the past, NOTHING about if he was seeing someone, NOTHING about hoping for another chance! i was the happy, strong, loving person he met in the beginning. The one he fell in love with enough to ask me to marry him. i was DONE beating myself up. i guess to sum the whole thing up...this relationship is in REPAIR. i DON"T have to always be right. i CAN be happy at any time. Instead of "working on" the relationship (i wasn't working on it when we first met), i just want to be IN it and appreciate it and have it be all the best that it can be. Now that i have been shown the errors of MY ways, i can CHOOSE the 'quality' of how i want a good relationship to go. This is all taking time and willingness to keep working on bettering myself. When i understood the TRUE meaning of LOVE (the Way God wants it)...everything is falling into place. Do i hope J and i will get to share our lives together? Without a single doubt...YES!! However...if it was never to be in the FIRST place...i have learned a vital lesson (so you see the "breaking up" of relationships can be used as a way for us to become better people. God meant it for our GOOD) and will take the 'transformed' me to the man who will see and appreciate my worth....which is "far above that of rubies." i pray this testimony has been of some help. T.;)
For me, it has been the complete realization of not NEEDING my x finance or the relationship. Do i want it? Absolutely! Stop and think about the difference. As a matter of fact...i'm doing much more thinking than i am feeling.;)Quote:
Originally Posted by hpallister
I am happy to read what you wrote Trishette - perhaps you can take a look at my post "Trying to Make Sense Of This All" Give me your two cents.
Trishette!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write that long and helpful post for me. It does help a lot, and I can see how you and I went through a lot of the same things, aka made a lot of the same mistakes. I have realized that this breakup has been a blessing in the sense that it made me realize that I love him. I do believe that God (a higher being) is always there to help and has a master plan, but I also do believe that God has given us free will. My ex has free will, and I have free will.
I guess what you are saying is to stop misusing my free will to only dig myself deeper in the dirt, and instead I should be smart with it and live my life to a healthier and happier degree. And to just trust life.
To train myself into using my free will properly, you are saying to concentrate or to pray to God for help (at least I think that is what you are saying). That sounds perfect and I am trying to do this. It's difficult though, I admit, to be strong at times. I think I'm often bipolar with this - like a rollercoaster... up and down, up and down.
I have been praying very hard. And I am very thankful that he contacted me. I am also very scared though. Today I'm feeling as though he might be, without knowing it, putting me in "check". I had been distancing myself... but suddenly this has pulled me back to him. We are starting to communicate again... but my friends and family warn that I am going back in circles and that he is just lonely in England...
I wish he could just lay the cards out on the table. But then, I know he will not do this, because I sense he is very confused.
I've been feeling very scared and emotionally drained again. Damn it…I'm ashamed that I'm back on this road again…
Him and I just talked online and it was so casual. It was very different than when he said he “needed to talk to me” because it was more intense that night when he kept saying how he had messed up in our relationship, and that he often thinks about me, and he kept saying sorry etc…
We told each other we'll always remain best friends. Now I'm scared because today it was just small talk and joking around.
I think I long for him telling me he loves me. I wonder if he'll ever just come to me and say it. I feel like I really need to hear it from him. I'm tierd of not knowing all the time. I also feel like after all that time I put in to make sure he knows how much I care about him and that I love him, I deserve to hear “I love you”. I just don't understand why it can't happen that way.
What do I do? Especially with his sudden apologies for the past, and trying to talk about “us” and telling me he's realized that if he hadn't messed up, we would still be together.
This isn't the clear “I want you”. I'm so scared to go down this whole road of thinking, “omg he wants me again” but to only discover it was him missing me for the moment… or just pulling me back to him.
What do I do? I don't want to mess up the chance that might be there right now, but I'm also getting depressed again, even though our phone conversation that night lifted me up…
I've been going through this rollercoaster for over a year with him… I thought this was a miracle when it happened, but then my friends are warning me to cut communication for good. I'm scared that he's just being a good friend in his head, while I'm praying for him to be a good lover.
I am emotionally drained as well... I feel your pain that's for sure. I am at a loss for words.
So you would poison your whole future, instead of letting go, and moving on?? Do you have anything, but this person? Your whole life is about what you do with it. If your going to be stuck, then what's the point?? If you need someone so much, can't you understand how unhealthy that is? Wake up and realise he doesn't hold you back, YOU DO!!
Tell him how you honestly feel about him. Then ask him if he feels any of the same feelings you do. If he says yes ask him to give it a second chance if he says no than just drop it and move on. Don't dwell on something that's not going to happen. It's a painful road but only for the first part. Time heals all things so just give it time and if you 2 were meant to be than love will find its way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
A friend suggested to not "coldly" ignore him or to not "coldly" tell him to leave me alone (incase he is trying to get back together)... but to instead "kindly" ignore him. For example, I should listen to what he has to say for a few moments and then confess that I have to run.
Yes Talaniman, I agree that even though for the moment it was amazing to hear what he had to say a few nights ago, this is a bit of poison for me. I admit I'm not strong enough, and the insecurities of us being apart has left me with negative and unsure thoughts about what he's up to or on the subject of "us" in general. Until I work on myself and become stronger, aka get my confidence back, I'm not ready to fully communicate with him.
I'm feeling a bit better now. My last post was definitely me being at the bottom of this rollercoaster.
i did read your post. My reply is worth so much more then the 2 cents you ask for. i have lived through what i'm telling you. Go back and re read what i wrote to SAD SOUL. It's when we try so hard to hold on to what does not work or try to manipulate and control another human being....we will never learn the lesson the God of the Universe wants us to. It's all about moving forward, making different choices with better options. The definintion of insanity is: doing the same thing, which has never worked, and thinking THIS time it will!" If you don't think you can do it alone...get professional help. STOP listening to family and friends, they most likely don't have the "manual on the logistics of relationships either.:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by farfrmnormal
Trish, thanks again for posting. I want to be more positive. I think that's the only way and BEST way to survive in general in this life.Quote:
Originally Posted by trishette
Do you have any suggestions as to how I should communicate with him? Like should I ignore him for now? And when he comes around, I'm not sure how I should interact with him, or whether I am even ready to... I'm really afraid of the whole rollercoaster with him, especially in the middle of school and work.
I read your personal post (aka your Question for people on this site). Was this sudden miracle of your ex coming back something that happened within the past few weeks? I'm asking because the "question" you posted was fairly recent, and seemed as if you were in a state of frenzy. Anyway, I'm excited and happy for you. It's good to see the story go this way for a change.
You are cutting contact for you to get healthy, not be nice to him. No Contact is not being rude, but brief, without getting into any deep conversations with him, about anything. Its you saying hi, and getting on about your business. Busy and unavailable, to him. This is for your own good, and not his.Quote:
Until I work on myself and become stronger, aka get my confidence back, I'm not ready to fully communicate with him.
S S Whoa...i never said my x and i were back together. i was sharing with you the tools i've been using to keep from repeating my old behavior patterns. Yes, i was in a frenzy (putting it mildly) at the time i wrote the post. Each day since then, i've been seeking professional help and seeking God's best for my life (which may or may not be J.) i said i am now OK with NOT knowing. i am taking care of ME and my non working behavior. Basically, you are allowing this man to manipulate and control you. You have not let go due to obsession or all this fear you constantly seem to have. Fear is a strong motivator, i know this first hand. You have to ask yourself...what am i so afraid of? What satisfaction am i getting from this worry and fear? i mean, if this guy were to die tomorrow, wouldn't you still have to carry on with the calling on your own life? For me, i've come to realize having a love relationship is like the icing on the cake yet...cake can still taste good without it. As much as i love my x and miss him, i must go on and take care of ME. It sounds like the both of you have some growing to do and you can't do it successfully (as your break up proves) when you are together as a couple. You still sound so needy, my friend, and fearful. These are chains that bind us. True love is mutual respect and holding each other in high esteem. You are stuck in some form of unrequited love and it's making you sick with worry. STOP IT... only YOU can keep laying it down.Now look... you know I understand what you are going through so I'm not blowing any smoke here. If you do not choose to get off the roller coaster, you are doomed to go up down it again and again until YOU decide to get the heck off! I KNOW the pain and the waiting is tough yet it has to be done. Like I said, I've stopped calling him and when he does call, I speak politely, and we talk in small increments. I do NOT bring up one thing about the past, who he is or isn't seeing, or anything about him and me. I am NOT any longer working on the relationship. i am working on being the best me i can be. Remember I told you, he is now talking to the me I was when we first met only BETTER! J is the one who decided he didn't want the relationship the way it was. I was not the only one messing up either by the way! There were 2 major issues in his life I would not put up with. So, do you see it yet? With every goodbye you can learn. It's when we bring the same old stuff into the next relationship, the same things will happen again and again. I choose not to allow this to happen. My prayers are with you.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
I haven't been trying hard enough to heal. Or it's probably that I haven't been trying the right way.
It's scarey for me to let go. I'm going to anyway though.
Thanks for all the time everyone put in on helping me with my question. The advice has been very useful.
I am a little older and female so here is my thought. Life is way too short and sometimes the love that we feel when we are younger can be the love of our lives and the most innocent. I would call him out for a friendly lunch. When he gets there, kiss him on the cheek and gradually start talking about your feelings. Obviously, he cares about you and enough to go out of his way to do things for you... that says so much right there. Guys do not go out of there way just for friends!! He still cares, but you guys aren't being honest with each other. Tell him how you feel and that you would love to start dating again. See how he responds and acts. If he says NO and he just wants to be friends, then at least it's out in the open and you tried. Then, just let go of it and move on. If he agress with you, then give him time to let go of his present relationship and have fun with your love. Just remember one thing... life is short and he could be gone tomorrow forever and you would have never let him know how you felt so go for it... good luck!
I had taken this approach before. I kissed him on the cheak one night when we were together and he backed away and simply said "thanks". Then he said sorry for not feeling the same way. That was over a year ago that I did this. I won't do it again. Why can't he do it - especially when he knows I will respond.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZOE123
If he truly wants me, wouldn't he come and tell me? Or I wish he would be the one to kiss my cheak. I admit that I pushed him away pretty badly, but then I went after him to make up for it. He told me he realizes that I am the woman who loves him the "most" on this earth. He has said this time and time again. He knows how I feel. The ball is in his court.
Then again, I'm scared that he might want me, but is too shy to tell me? He was actually pretty shy in our relationship, and many girls have had this complaint about him. I am sure of this though: he loves me profoundly as a friend. And yes Zoey, he does things for me that he doesn't do for his other friends or ex's. He also goes out of his way time and time again for me. This all confuses me. I know this is a bit more than friendship... but why can't it be all the way?
Zoey, I want to do what you are telling me, but I feel that I would need him to make a "solid" move now, and that I deserve it. I don't want to chase him though; I'm too afraid of the emotionally destructive rollercoaster.
I don't know. I'm confused.
Hey haven't read much here but it appears allmost instantly that your putting yourself through suffering needlessley. An ex is an ex, its broke (in most occasions)! In time maybe things can be started again as friends or more. However how can one do that without time to think, learn, grow and let the emotional dust settle? I don't think you can really.
Its best to remove yourself from his court! For your own benefit. Or time and time again you will be knocked back. Have some dignity for yourself and live your own life. You don't need him! You don't need anyone but yourself to live your life. In time your be able to get back that sense of individuality you once had before any relationship. When you get to that point your be a wiser, learned individual. You will know more about relationships, life and more importantly your be happy in yourself.
A partner merely expands your life, they should not make your life!!
They call it the past for a reason, leave it there. If something happens later on, then great, but you may find that the truth is your happiness lies with someone else. Good luck hon! Don't force things to happen, just let them.
As I have told countless others over the years, if its not working out its time to move on. People don't change, and you can't change. People pretend to change but they always fall back to their old behaviors eventually, and its best to realize this before kids or marriage become part of the big picture.
Judge others at face value. They are who they are, if that's not good enough or they feel the same with you then its time to move on. Trust me that there are people out there that fit without one expecting the other to change for whatever reason. That is the kind of person you want as a partner.
People don't change their character any more than a leopard can change its spots... short of a life altering experience... which is usually a near death experience that strikes the reality of mortality home.
Fact is, people do change - there will always be small characteristics that don't, but change is inevitable in all things in life. This is why people's interests change over time as they get older. You are in charge of your own life, and if change is what you want you can achieve it - but it has to honestly be wanted. As people grow and learn about themselves they change.Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
As for the leopards spots changing - you should read into this - they do actually, with age.
Leopards and Jaguars Coats Change Their Patterns with Age - Scientists model the changing patterns of leopards' and jaguars' coats - Softpedia
What do you think if you have changed and just want the chance to show that other person that its for real? Should you give up? Or try to really show that person that hey I know I wasn't always right or did the right thing but now I know and have found the way. I think that if you don't try you may regret it forever.
In my opinion change doesn't occur over night - it happens over a long period. But I am a firm believer that if the person has requested a change and isn't around to see it then the change isn't what they really wanted - it was something else. Every situation is different and should be handled different - so what I might do and what you may do are two separate things. Mostly, you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can begin to show others the real you. However; you cannot force someone to see the change - let them see it on their own. Be strong, respect yourself and they will see things. If they don't then once again, change isn't the culprit.
You are missing the point I was making. Arrogant self centered people don't suddenly become sensitive people that listen. They tend to be that way till they die without a life altering event happening.Quote:
Originally Posted by farfrmnormal
Women that have a habit of flirting around with everyone and sleeping with who they want when they want, as well as men who are players don't suddenly change into caring faithful types unless they suddenly want to.
The divorce statistics support me on that. Thousands if no millions of women and men for that matter go into a relationship saying I'll make them change... and when they don't you have this sort of thing.
I know a lot of people... many of them I've known my entire life or close to it. And at 46 that's a fair amount of years. While people do change depending on what stage of life they are at, their underlying personality remains very close to the same.
I can count the people I know that have truly changed on one hand.
Leopards don't become tigers in effect.
What about people who don't change their personality exactly but change a behavior or though process that had been handicapping the relationship. My exgf love to be loved, romanced, and all that kind of stuff. I am not so much an emotional person and never have been, but I have tried to be more affectionate with her. After these 2 weeks of being apart, I have realized there is no reason to hold anything in or back if you are happy and with the person you want to be with. I just want to show her that I really realize this now, and that I won't make that mistake again. And this also applies to other things such as jobs or activities that you like but haven't gone for it. I just want to show her I have changed my mentality and want to just go for it everyday I am with her.
I was not missing the point - I know that many do not change, but you said NO one changes - yet you said yourself that you can count and do know a few people who have. Sometimes losing a loved one is enough of an event to have you realize that change is needed. Change in the sense that even though the relationship may not work out, you are heading in a better direction for the future.Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
I realized after two plagued relationships that there was something I was NOT doing that came up in both situations - I have realized through discussion with a therapist as well as through my readings that I cannot be pig headed. Accept my qualities and learn to be a balanced individual. Its unfortunate that the ones who never change don't have the chance to experience a life altering moment to help them see the light of day.
Well the couple I know have gone from being loudmouth trouble makers and bullies for the most part. One is now a Priest. And the other couple I honestly don't remember what they do now but it's a polar opposite change in how they once were.Quote:
Originally Posted by farfrmnormal
Now I do not see these people often so they might have elements of their old bully past that I don't see.
But everyone else I have known for nearly 40 years Have ganged little in their basic character. For the most part the person you are as a teen is the person you are as an adult and as a senior citizen. I'm not talking assorted habits... I'm talking personality.
People pick up and drop habits all the time. Without a major event in their life (medical, or mental) the personality doesn't change. Any parent will tell you that about their kids. You have traits you carry to the grave you had as a kid.
People do change habit... or certain behaviors, sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
THe mistake may people make is "Oh I know he or she is like that, but trust me they will change, and many honestly believe they can change them into the people they want them to be. Then 5 or 10 years down the road when nothing has changed and they have lost 10 years or so of their life, maybe now have kids they realize nothing has changed, and they hate their lives, many end up divorcing, all over the mistaken belief that they change change someone else.
Fact is, take an honest look at the partner you are interested in. An objective one. Look at their bad traits and make sure you can be happy with them knowing they are not clay, they will not become who you want them to be any more than you will become what they want you to be.
Those of use who did not marry extremely young have come to learn there is a good match out there personality wise if you take you time and don't just settle for the first person you meet, which I might add is a trap that's easy to fall into..
Thanks guys. You've really helped me through some of my bad days.
No updates, except that I'm feeling pretty good about life.
This is a little bittersweet but I realize that my life would be great with him in it, but it will also be just as great without him too.
I'm not going to let one experience drag me down.
Good for you. You know that we are here for you. We all share our deepest thoughts and feelings on this site and we are glad when it helps others. It helps me every day I sign on.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_6_205.gif
He told me he's coming in December again for Christmas and New Years. He said he wants to meet up and misses me.
Should I meet up with him? I'm having a lot of trouble deciding if I should, and I guess I have a lot of time to decide this before he comes. I admit it's been on my mind a little, but I'm doing very well lately in terms of getting on with my life! :)
He's been a great friend and I don't want to lose this.
But I'm scared of setting myself back in the healing process. I didn't see him the past times he came to visit, but now I'm wondering if I should?
if you see him at X-mas and think you are going to ever marry him you are setting yourself up for depression...
move on or get left behind in life...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
Ash123,
Are you saying that I should go and see if I still have feelings for him, and that that will show whether I'm still ready or not ready to have contact with my ex?
Or, are you saying that if I have any feelings of still wanting to be with him prior to meeting up, that I should not go and see him?
My father advised me to not push him away entirely after my ex said he realizes that everything was his fault and that he is sorry... My dad explained that after a year and half of it being over, my ex isn't going to, from England, call and right out say "let's get back together", but that it takes time?
But then some of my friends say to stay very guarded.
Gosh, dad's often know best..but....
... from where I sit your relationship is 100% done. So, just be prepared for that mentally or stay away... what I meant was that people that don't move on... get left behind.
Hoping for the best for you.
The real question is, are you healthy enough, to deal realistically and rationally with a reunion? If not don't do it. Also know that it can go either way and be prepared. Only you know what you can, and can't, deal with.
My heart wants to see him when he comes.
That's a bad sign. I'm supposed to be over this?
I never want to lose him as a friend though. I don't want to lose that. And so far he keeps working on our friendship. He messaged me today. I miss him, but pushed him away a little because I want to get over him. In this process of disconnecting with him, I fear our friendship will suffer a bit too (especially with the distance between countries).
But I've been getting on with my life, and I'm still enjoying. I miss him, but at the same time I am happy with the rest of my life.
I just got promoted, almost done school, have great family and friends, and am thinking of going to Cuba with some friends this Christmas.
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