She understands that you are thinking and so is she, you are not being penalized by her for being a responsible father.
|
She understands that you are thinking and so is she, you are not being penalized by her for being a responsible father.
Well, I had a pretty nice heartfelt, face to face talk with my ex last night. It lasted 2 hours and initially it was just how are you, how have you been etc... Then it turned to the relationship. Hard to summarize but it was productive and very honest. She even revealed a totally personal "skeleton in the closet" that was bothering her and certainly played a role in her overall thinking of the relationship. It's obvious that she needs time to just reign everything in and she admitted that I was right that the relationship was the only thing that she could directly control. She felt a bit of relief, but was sad because she missed me. She's definitely confused. She's afraid to lose me, but she said she would have to live with her decision if it came to that point. I think it is clear that the "kid person" kind of was a catch-all for just feeling swamped and not needing any more stress in her life... but still a factor in her mind, just not the major one.
I maintained everything that I have said before, wanting to be with her but she needs to be comfortable and ready. I'll giver her time and space to continue thinking things over.
She mentioned that we could try a "dating relationship"... I guess that means we dial everything back considerably (like we were a new couple starting off) with less future expectation discussions. She said she's not ready to commit fully to me (move in) but doesn't want to lose me either. I left by saying that I'll give her time to think things over. She's going for an overnight away with a girlfriend tonight so she should get some quality me time. (however it is interesting to note that if she felt swamped by the relationship that this is some busy time that had I suggested it might have been received negatively)
But anyway... now what? I think in the short term I would love to be with her in the so called "dating relationship"... I'm just not positively sure that it will lead to long term happiness. I will know her feelings and we could proactively discuss though and I would be with her!
The other option is to keep letting her have her space and work things out on her own with no contact really and that can take a few weeks, 3 months, 6 months or more.
We hugged for at least 20 minutes before I left... she mentioned it reminded her of when we first started dating and had a hard time saying good bye and leaving.
So overall, pretty OK. I guess is it OK to go back to a considerably scaled back relationship and wouldn't it be that way after the NC if she decided to come back?
Well good :) Sounds like things went well :)
Well it's obvious now that it is just what a lot of us suspected... she just had a lot going on in her life and was feeling overwhelmed and needed to take a step back. She might have had "cold feet" in regards to moving in together. But its clearly evident that she loves you and doesn't want to lose you.
I wouldn't take her suggestion for starting a "dating relationship" as starting back at square one... she just may simply want to imply that she isn't quite ready to move in together... or purchase a house together yet. But she wants you to know that although she isn't ready to make that step yet, she does still want to be with you.
I would express your understanding of that to her. Tell her you understand she isn't ready to make that leap yet, and you guys can wait to discuss that again when you are both ready... let her know that you don't want to lose her either, and living arrangements are just a technicality :)
I'm glad things seem to be working out :)
Good luck!
Honestly for the sake of the kids of you both, just dating would be the better plan, as the pressure to meld families is not there and you both can enjoy each other and grow together as the children grow up. It would really help as neither will be overwhelmed, and the kids can feel that they are not being forced together and mom and dad aren't just moving them aside. It will save a lot of friction for sure and you both can have a more balanced life and appreciate each other even more, by looking forward to the times you set aside for each other. I think separate households and just dating is the way to go rather than force kids into a chaotic situation right now. As things progress you can always decide what your options are later. As to NO CONTACT? Read all the threads on this relationship forum and show me how many relationships have survived no contact. Once people heal from a break up they move on. That's what no contact is all about. Committed couples take a break from each other, not break up. That's where I feel your at as the two of you are still working together, and talking and listening and GROWING and resolving your issues. That sir, looks like a relationship in the works from where I sit. Go slow.Quote:
I guess is it OK to go back to a considerably scaled back relationship and wouldn't it be that way after the NC if she decided to come back?
I don't know... it appears that she may be backpedaling slightly from the dating relationship idea... I hope not... Wednesday night was so wonderful!! I hope she just did not get caught up in the emotion of that evening and now that she has had some free time to think about it decided otherwise.
I tried calling her last night about the concert tickets for today that I originally bought and she mentioned that I could come along again, but she did not pick-up the phone and in the same message I asked if she wanted to meet up with me at a jazz bar I was going to later in the evening.
She replied (finally) this morning with a text message... that said I hope you enjoyed last night and that her sister gave away my ticket to another friend and that she doesn't know what time they will be back home. So I called her back and we spoke on the phone for 10 minutes about her trip with her girlfriend and I mentioned it is fine about the concert... I have plenty of things to do today. I mentioned that the same bar is having salsa dancing lessons Wed night and asked if she may want to do that with me. She said she will give it some thought, doesn't know if she could find a sitter for her son. She said she'll be in touch after the weekend and I said fine... give the dance lessons some thought and also the dating relationship thing and she just said 'yeah'... I don't think we both know where we stand... Am I pushing too hard?
It just seems that it is almost right there for the taking and I want her to just reach out and go for it!!
I think you should drop the expectations of her changing her mind, and being in one house as its obviously not going to happen at this time. Better to just enjoy each other while you slowly build the relationship. Yes your pushing way to hard, and should relax, and enjoy the time you do have. Put your best foot forward and make sure she has a good time and leave the rest of that stuff rattling in your mind on the back burner. You want more than she is willing to give and are using pressure instead of charm. Adjust your attitude , dude! She is already in your corner GEEZ!
OK OK OK... I'm not expecting to be in one house, I just don't know if she thinks we are doing the 'dating relationship' or not... She just brought up the idea and other than mentioning that I liked that idea... I don't know if it is concrete or not so how can I enjoy the time if I don't know if there is any? That's why I asked her about the jazz bar last night and the dance lessons Wed... I guess if I left it at that it would've been fine, but then I asked her about the 'dating relationship' and probably pooped in my own hat... I guess I just chill and let her decide when it is right or not...
Life without honesty is like sex without orgasm...
It feels good for a while, but in the end you're unfulfilled. Be true and take your time.
Nice analogy Ash... She certainly is no stranger to honesty then!! ;-)
Way back in the day, when I was involved with dating single female with children, I thought nothing of paying for her babysitter. Not only did they have a good time on a date, they were impressed with my thoughtfulness. No big deal, because I had a great time too.
I'm getting antsy and anxious... so instead of calling ex? Girlfriend, I'll post here...
Just a tough weekend with 2 of the events we had planned together happening and we didn't/couldn't do them together! You know I also had a dose of reality when (I live in a smaller community) and people are now hearing that we've broken up!! They certainly don't know the full story (like you all do! :-)) but it is tough none-the-less to hear!
I guess I'm just antsy, too, because everything seemed promising and I'm in limbo not knowing what is going on and the beach vacation we had planned is/was scheduled for this weekend and it would still be great to go if we could celebrate our 'dating relationship' in addition to her birthday! Like I mentioned before, I don't want to push too hard but the possibilities are driving me crazy!! I'm regretting my visit there Wednesday night... I guess I just need to get my head back to the thought that she is gone, but I have sooo much I would like to talk to her about (mainly non-relationship conversation) like I said she was my best friend!! AAAAGGGGGHHHH!!
Your kids are priority.
This lady has come to the conclusion that she does not want to do the step mmmy thing and she has every right to feel that way. You need to respect that and move on.
Concentrate on being daddy to your kids. If there is to be another woman in your life, she will come.
Your children are your #1 priority so I hate to say it like this but I could understand if she was in college and didn't have any children her saying "she is not a kid person" but for heaven sakes she has her own !*!* children! So how can she be not a kid person! You need to let it go and move on to someone who will love your kids as much as you love them! Good luck mame!
She does not have to love your kids, or want to be their step mother. That does not make her a bad person, it tells me that she knows what she does not want and is being honest about it.
If you miss her as a friend, perhaps you two can have a platonic friendship. Otherwise, you need to let her go.
OK first of all she is not worthy of you if she cannot accept that you have children. She too has children. You both have extra" baggage" and that makes the whole package. If she can't give it a shot as a blended family and love your children like they were her own then you need to find someone who will! I myself have a boyfriend with three children and I accepted them from day one. I myself have no children of my own but I accept his 110%. Her having her own should be more accepting.. maybe it's the fact that her heart breaks for her own son who doesn't get the attention from his father like your kids get from you. Maybe try to show her that you too can give her son attention, maybe some one on one like father and son time may help. If it doesn't then you need to move on. Good luck
Women don't have to be willing to take on a man with kids anymore than a man being willing to take on a woman with kids.
Maybe she would just wants to concentrate on raising her son and when he is grown, then she will concentrate on a relationship.
The silence is deafening!! I haven't heard from her and I'm getting so upset and distraught... I'm sure she is still thinking things over in her head and her son just came back from his camping trip with her parents. But, last Wed was such an emotional night and seemed to create a bit of positive momentum... Everything seemed to be what we were talking about, her needing space and not really about the kids, but yes they added to the confusion in her life. I think she was also getting 'cold feet' about getting into another relationship sort of quickly. She calls herself a 2 time loser and I think she wants to avoid some mistakes she has made in the past, rushing into a relationship. I am really only the third relationship she has had... and despite how happy she was and mentioned that "I'm marriage material" that thought, her skeleton in the closet and the kids gave her a reason to really think things over.
I had another person (her brother-in-law) come up to me and offering his condolences about the relationship at lunch today... This is really getting hard for me to take. I said "Well I haven't given up hope yet and I think she just needs some space." He kindof shrugged as to dismiss it and said if I need anything that I know where to reach him. I wonder what she gave as an explanation to her family?
I e-mailed her with just a short note asking if her son did get back from camping and if he had a good time... then after lunch I left a voice mail mentioning that I ran into the brother in law and that made me think of her and I just wanted to see if I could stop by this evening and talk after a board meeting I have.
Haven't heard back yet, but like I said before last wednesday's conversation has me in a tailspin and I really need to know definitively about the 'dating relationship' or I just got to move on and do the no contact thing because obviously the feelings between us are still strong and it's driving me crazy that we can't be together!!
Ok, time for triage:
1) Call your GP and get the number of a good therapist -you need to talk this out!
2) Go on a vacation
3) embrace more time with your kids and their friends
4) get a platonic woman in your life to share some activities
5) Get a calendar and if you do not hear from her by Friday -Start a 90 day countdown.
Cross off days and enter your emotions if you need - and make it to 90.
GO!
Well, I feel like the Phantom of the Opera... It's over now, the music of the night:( (I've seen it way too many times and we saw it together in Vegas) But that's the sad fact... I gave it my all, I did not beg or plead and tried to follow Ash's 10 step program but the relationship is over... Surprisingly I feel OK now because there are no delusions of 'dating relationships' and I can move on and start feeling good again! She thought the whole dating relationship would be too fuzzy... (I mean I agree but having some of her is better than none, but she originally brought it up)
She seems content in her life now, with her job and house and everything. She's actually thinking about applying for a higher position in the company(which I suggested when she first started) and going back to school to complete her 4 yr degree! Certainly trying to keep herself busy! I guess the perceived stress of my kids was truly insurmantable and even though she loves me, she feels at a better place now. Still hard to accept though...
I believe her past relationships, too, have played a factor in this situation. Her final words were "we'll see what happens"...
Anyway, hopefully now I will be able to focus on the future and I can't wait for my kids to come back home in 1 1/2 weeks!
Thank you all for your well wishes and support... it has truly been overwhelming!
Matt
Not at all I'm sure she still loves you so why notQuote:
Originally Posted by PAMD
In 1 1/2 weeks kids are home... new life can breathe into your house.
Just remember:
Where there is an end, there can be a beginning.
Ok... today is her birthday and for some reason I'm overcome by anxiety... I really can't work or concentrate. I just keep thinking of her and wondering if she is thinking of me etc. I decided not to send a card after much thinking and it actually was an incredibly tough and sad decision... I'm actually really trying my hardest not to send one of those corny e-cards!!
It has been over a month for the break-up and 2 weeks of no contact (it seems like forever on both counts! ) The NC is both good and bad... I feel that I'm moving 2 steps forward and 1 back. Several conversations and dates with others, but just doesn't feel right yet and I'm comfortable again with "the single life" now that school has started and we are back on a normal child custody schedule. However, on days like this I just want to talk to her and be her best friend again and I think about her and how she is doing and I want to reach out soooo badly but can't. :(
I'm still bothered by the fact that we had all the love in the world and she just seemed to give-up and not want to work through the "future" issues...
Well another anniversary is coming up September 23... I'm hoping I'll be fine until then!! :)
Well done.
You are making progress. You did the right thing. The pain you feel is real, so don't feel guilty... Just let it come out. Don't feel guillty.
And PLEASE remember to pair each sad/bad thought with a good one, so you condition yourself to not associate her with only depression but an opportunity:
-so, if you think, you are skipping her birthday. You must also think you just got a day of freedom...
-if you think you are now without her, add the thought of how glad you are your kids are there etc.
WORK WORK WORK WORK....and the end will be a victory!!
Every day you are will get easier. You really are doing the right thing by staying away and leaving her alone. Concentrate on your children.
It has now been one month of NC and more than 1 1/2 months since the break-up and I still feel horrible... I want to call her so bad and see how she is, how her son is doing in school, how her daughter is coming along in her pregnancy... basically how her life is! I miss having her in my life... I'm still incredibly confused as to the reason for the break-up... I just don't get it! I don't know if I can truly move forward without really understanding... I know she mentioned the kids... can that really be it after two years and sooo close to a full commitment? Everything else was great! I know she had other issues, but why would she give up so abruptly/quickly without trying to work through them.
The weeks the kids are with me go much better... this week they are with their mother... it's impossible for me to be completely occupied and not think of her... Even when I go out, the dates don't feel right because I want her back and probably in the back of my mind I don't want to let go of her... I've been to several therapist appointments and that has brought some enlightenment into her behavior, but I just can't buy into the fact that I was too good for her as they mention(my girlfriend did mention that early on too)
I don't know what to do... I want to call and talk... the last time I did we came very close to getting back together, could that happen again after a month of NC or am I lost in her mind? I don't even know if she thinks of me anymore... the silence is really driving me nuts...
I think you need to just deal with the fact that this relationship is over.. Not maybe, but OVER. Move on with your life.
I know just how you feel only luckily in my case there were no kids involved well only his and they were grow up so not such an issue. He has met someone else while I struggle to accept the sudden abrupt departure he made lie you with no real reason just that he was unhappy. I do genuienly wish him every happiness in his new relationship and hope I can move on and do the same soon until then we really just have to take one day at a time not expect too much of ourselves allow ourselves to grieve for a love lost and not rush out on date we are not ready for. Take the time alone to heal and move on hope it all goes well for you keeps us posted xx
She has her hands full, and needs no pressure from you. Find something to keep you busy when your kids aren't there. I think we all see she is devoting her time to her daughter, and has a grandchild to concentrate on.
Talk about bad timing... I was on my way to a date last night and for the first time in the past month I crossed paths with my ex... well sort of... she was in her car behind me and followed me a good way to the restaurant, there is also a grocery store nearby and when I made a turn she continued straight and I could see her turn her head my direction...
How can something so small like that get me feeling so blue? It totally through me off kilter! I looked to see if she pulled in the grocery store, but I couldn't tell and then I was wondering where she was going? Does she have a boyfriend already? Or did I miss her turning in the grocery store? Man, I hope I really don't bump into her in person because I don't know if I can handle it... I'm tearing up just thinking about it and typing now... I wish the blues would go away...
The date turned out well though and I believe that we will see each other again in the next few weeks!
It's been a month and a half...That is only a small step in healing time.
You are in the "main pain" stage.
If you can accept that you all may not be soulmates, a call to her might relieve some pain-temporarily. Get some closure I would hope... maybe meet for coffee and the final goodbye. I do not see a future here. But I do see a spiral... If you cannot hold to the NC 3 month starter plan - then: 1) get therapy 2) get a vacation 3) get a conversation.
But rememeber - she does not want this relationship. If you need to straighten something out so be it... she cares for you, but feels guilty because she cannot be everything. And she never will be - so don't make her try... maybe you all can be supportive friends one day - I think she could do that.
Hang in here PAMD
I think the fact that you stated a few times she is not a kid person should be the alarm. Maybe 4 kids for her is too overwhelming espeically 3 that are not hers. I would be very cautious as to puttin this back 2-gether. Your children are your #1 concern. " accept my children the way u accept me for my children are a part of my being" jtrsj.. I think for the sake of your kids you should let this go by.. I guy like you woman look for. She is there somewere.
Chicks like guys with kids, man....It shows you are fertile and responsible and a provider.
You have mojo you are wasting on this woman!!
Remember that. It's not a liability.
**As for her birthday "hello card/email" NO WAY!
You need to demonstrate that you are not in a holding pattern... and she needs to feel that... (and she understands deep down.)
Sending a card would hurt you more than not sending one to her!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
I don't think that I can accept that we may not be soulmates... I think my mind is wondering way too much because I never did get closure... just that her "dating relationship" idea wouldn't work and we haven't spoken since... seems a bit late to ask for a closure meeting, anyway I think meeting her I would probably crack and perhaps get false hope and not address the situation properly and spiral further... NC probably is the best stance for many various reasons but it is incredibly hard!
No Contact is incredibly hard, and I highly recommend it.
i Wish I Could Nc My Thoughts/feelings/mind.....
Well, after 2 months of a break (I know it's not long, but it seems forever) and over 50 days NC... Curiosity got the best of me and after several therapy sessions, I just had a BIG need to UNDERSTAND why.
It started when I saw her son Saturday afternoon walking his bike through town... since he was walking the bike I stopped and asked if he could use any help. It turned into a nice 5 minute conversation about Boy Scouts, school, friends etc nothing about his mother... other than tell her hi.
It was the first time I had any real "contact" or connection with her since NC... and I thought I was at a good place, so I sent her an e-mail saying I saw her son and I was happy to see him adjusting so well to the new school, activities and how responsible he was acting and that it really warmed my heart... and I left it just at that.
She replied to the e-mail rather promptly with a "Hi Back!" and said yes her son told her that he saw me and that he has been doing well and a few details about that. She then told me about her plans for the coming weekend kind of out of nowhere and then ended I'm sure you're also keeping busy since it's soccer season! I hope you and the kids are all doing well!
I thought an odd ending since she's not a kid person... so I e-mailed back and told her my honest thoughts... that it's been a roller coaster past few months and I have been very busy but I still think about her often. I really was conflicted about sending the first e-mail because it brought back so many memories and that time has helped me cope, little by little, (if not understand) and I missed talking to her and I hope she is happy. Then I asked a few questions about her life... nothing personal just everyday conversation.
She responded the following day, apologizing for the delay... I guess as to not hurt my feelings. The response was rather straight forward answering the questions that I asked and did put some emotion into it with smiley's and I could just sense it too. She has been keeping herself incredibly busy and by Wed night she finds herself overwhelmed and tired... (I've heard that before in regards to our relationship) It was revealing in one answer when she mentioned that she just wants to concentrate on her son... and that being away a few evenings wouldn't help that.
So, all my feelings came rushing back... I wanted to hug her, console her, comfort her, help her not feel overwhelmed... just like the old days. So I emailed her back and told her that and I thought I could have "friendly conversation" but obviously not. And not to be dramatic, but I have to let time do some healing again and that it was great catching up with her. Wished her and her kids the best and bye.
But I still needed to understand... So I called her and it turned out that she really doesn't understand... she wanted to move in, but not move in and if we don't move in, how long does that last, she was annoyed about the kids and that was really it, but she can't understand it herself. I think something in her past has to have her severely scarred. Then she mentioned something negative about me and that I'm intelligent but lack wisdom and made an incredible stretch with that example... I said there are always going to be things that may bother you about the other person, but all the good certainly outweighs the bad. I feel like she thinks she doesn't deserve a respectful, honest, open relationship... and that counselling would be good for her and us if she ever chose to overcome the annoyances and that as my kids grow and mature, those annoyances will go away... Her thoughts were very short-sighted and almost scared and that probably justifies the abruptness of it all. Funny how she just seems to skip or not express all the drama in her life and focuses on the minor drama/annoyances of mine...
Well that's an incredibly long story, but having a little understanding, (that there is no understanding on her part) I feel renewed in my NC and feel like I can move on again and not look back!!
Good for you.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:30 AM. |