Ask Me Help Desk - Ash123 sticky comments

If you don't want to wait, you don't have to...
Let her finish then. It's free will.

Afterwards, then take a break.

Up to you. Not what I would do -(I'd make her wait at least another day) but getting married at 20 was the last thing on my mind. World ravel and education were much higher... I don't think you can EVER force love.

Ooo no no we would get married probably by 23 or 24, we want to finish college first and get decent jobs, but like you said if texts and calls me I should wait a week right?

Be polite and say you will get back in a few days... and wait 4-7 days

All right thanks Ash, but I know she will text and call me through out the week do I ignore her? And I'm sure she said a few days ago she wanted to come see me at the end of this week and Monday

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)

You now have the advantage! ;)

Hi Ash123,

I am more than grateful and thankful to you for this "How to break-up and survive" tips and advise. It is invaluable to me as I'm in a situation that I didn't know how to address and felt like I'm running out of options and slowly slipping into depression. You have not only given me the insight and understanding I need to deal with this situation, but also the re-assurance, self-confidence and will power that I need to survive a very sad break-up. It is always wise to seek the opinion of others, especially one from someone like you who sound so sincere and helpful. Keep it up!!

I've read these steps, maybe a little too late.. My girl, or should I say ex-girl, broke up with me for the 4th time, just this Monday.. After the breakup I immediately begged and pleaded, and tried for her to remember the good times we've had together. It is now 5 days later, and I'm still semi-trying to get her back. I just read these steps today.. but I'm wondering what I should do right now? About an hour ago I got upset and a little out of control, and said that she wasn't worth it (when she really is to me) and told her everything she ever told me was a lie and blah blah... it ended in her blocking me from our instant messenger, and putting me on ignore on any other thing that we had contact in. What should I do if I want her back? What would be the best... She said she doesn't love me or care for me anymore, but this is exactly what she said all the other 3 times she broke up with me.. that and "I dont want to be with you, you annoy me, i want to be single" It makes me wonder why she came around all the other 3 times... and what I should do right now.

So... what do you do when you got through all the steps and messed up # 8, as in you accidentally had a romp in the hay after drinking and smoking a little; because you figured you were almost over the person, and you thought you could hang out without felling crazy about them. Then they rush out for work in the morning, and there is no chance to talk. Then he says he will call me before the weekend is out...

Should I call earlier? If so how do I approach him about what he thinks of me or what happened. Or is NC best in this situation until he calls first?

I was feeling so empowered! (

START OVER.

NC again.

Any advice on what I should do?

excellent and calming advice. Thank you x x

I re-read your story and posts...

He preyed on your low self-esteem...Never again.

It never ceases to amaze me how often cheaters get multiple chances by their spouses - especially women- and the men always abuse the forgiveness... and do it again.

Women: if your man cheats - there is NO excuse. I PROMISE YOU... the only excuse he will give you is what he thinks will make you let him back. He KNOWS what he's doing wrong... he just wants to (like a kid) get away with it... UGH!!

Wow this very good and I like it a lot, still some questions remain.

Hi, I'm pretty new to all of this but id really like your advice, you seem like a level headed person and you make a lot of sense would you please read my post and let me know about my situation... its been about 10 weeks since I split from my ex, a link to my post is below its called My ex getting in touch

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ch-158830.html

Terrific insight; many thanks.

This is a great article and it is helping me through this rough time. Thank you so much for your words.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desire03

What do you do if you're the breaker ... how do you handle this. What is you have to break it off because the other party won't when it need to be broken. What do you do then?

If you feel it needs to be broken up and you do it, what is the problem?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bummedout4

hey ash, maybe you are familar with my thread or not, either way do you think your steps apply if the breaker jumps into a rebound relationship rather quickly? My ex first said she wanted space, still loves me but not "in love" with me and now is seeing someone 5 weeks after the "break" started. She says she still cares about me and wants me in her life, but right now as a friend only, I know I need to stay away from her and go NC, after 4 yrs will she still think of me and maybe compare him to me? We didn't end it in bad terms really, no yelling or hating each other, but she is conufsed and scared about how long we been together and appears to think someone new may make her happier. Will time apart from me , and no contact make her think about what we had and if this new guy is compatible with her or not? I don't want to be there for support and comfort while she is with him b/c it will only make it easier on her to transition to him. Ok well thanks for any insight. I know i have to go work on myself and do mything, i am just curious what you think.

I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. It is now Feb. How did this turn out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallenKnight

I've read these steps, maybe a little too late.. My girl, or should i say ex-girl, broke up with me for the 4th time, just this monday.. After the breakup I immediately begged and pleaded, and tried for her to remember the good times we've had together. it is now 5 days later, and I'm still semi-trying to get her back. I just read these steps today.. but im wondering what i should do right now? about an hour ago I got upset and a little out of control, and said that she wasn't worth it (when she really is to me) and told her everything she ever told me was a lie and blah blah... it ended in her blocking me from our instant messanger, and putting me on ignore on any other thing that we had contact in. What should I do if i want her back? What would be the best... She said she doesnt love me or care for me anymore, but this is exactly what she said all the other 3 times she broke up with me.. that and "I dont want to be with you, you annoy me, i want to be single" It makes me wonder why she came around all the other 3 times... and what i should do right now.

It's Feb. so some time has passed. I wonder how this turned out but I'd be willing to bet, it wasn't what you wanted. Notice I didn't say, "turn out in your favor" I think getting over and done with her WOULD be in your favor. If you have broken up 4 times, "it ain't working". Why go back for more misery? My hope is that you have mourned what you wish that relationship could have been. Taken some time to just feel good about you, nourish your soul, and maybe have a newer healthier relationship with someone else by now. So... what did happen?

Quote:

Originally Posted by cozyk

If you feel it needs to be broken up and you do it, what is the problem?

I think this may help:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...de-116834.html

I feel that this thread also deserves a sticky.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

I feel that this thread also deserves a sticky.

Confused, I'm confused abot what a sticky is.:confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by cozyk

Confused, I'm confused abot what a sticky is.:confused:

:) It's where the thread stays at the top of the first page so that everyone can view it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

I feel that this thread also deserves a sticky.

Thanks C25.
I didn't read your thoughts until when forwarded to me. I am not sure why not showing up on my profile page.

Oh well. Bottom line, hope all are healing one sane day at a time.

Cheers.

A

Very Sitcky Worthy. Amazing Step by Step instructions. Thank You.

Well, this wasn't posted yet when I broke up. But it's certainly helpful. And I realize that I've done all of that, thanks to the community hear at askmehelpdesk. (ok maybe I broke NC a few times, during the first few days, but that was it). Silence is indeed golden.

It's been 1 year and 4 months since my break up, my ex and I never initiated contact until 1 day ago, when he wrote me an email asking me how I was doing. He written his email carefully, I can sense that he was scared that I would take it weirdly. He just seems really curious about what I've been up to. So anyway, without thinking I responded happily, telling him that I'm happy that he's well, and also that I'm doing great myself.

The fact that I didn't ponder about "what would he think if i respond" or "what would he think if i don't respond", show me that I was truly over him. I'm really glad that he wrote me a email, because I thought I left a bad impression on him during the break-up, but the fact that he took the time to ask me how I was doing show that at least he cares for me as a friend..

So anyway, after I responded to his email he wrote a LONGASS email back, giving me an update to his life.. so I respond back with a even longer email back. Now, I don't really know if I like how this is going. I don't know if its really a good idea to keep in contact. Anyway, I don't know what I'm saying. So I'll just stop here.

You got your closure after respecting NC with mutual letters of sane correspondence.

You can only be polite now and keep moving. If there is no chance for more, your mission has been accomplished and you owe nothing more. Clearly it is making you uncomfortable, so step back into your cocoon with a polite goodbye (say you are crazy busy and glad he is doing well) - that oughta cover it. I like a little closure after a long spell - and you got it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)

You now have the advantage! ;)

Good advice. However, I need to substitute "ex" for "me". Thanks!

Hi Ash123,

Thank you for this! This is really great! I will be using this for sure. Totally amazing!

Glad to help.

Every pain needs some remedy.

Even if it's just a start - I hope u get better from here on.

[Thanks for the advice which is really useful.

I have begged my ex to have me back, bought her a necklace (white gold and diamonds no less!) and recently flowers. She has accepted the gifts as an apology! But she is giving me the silent treatment even though it sis her who effectively broke the relationship up.

However, I am married and did go back to my wife on one occasion. Its been a rocky few months and I am sure difficult for my girlfriend. However I am now living by myself in a flat (apartment) and am committed to her. She just doesn’t want me any more. She says she now does not love me.

It is hard breaking up with my girlfriend I love her so much and to be honest I have never felt like this before. I am on the verge of suicide. I can’t imagine life without her now. No contact will be very difficult.

Any advice?

To start, I would seek professional counseling. You sound like you are in a tough spot mentally.

You need a year to get back on your feet... And she does too. Give her space.

I am not sure she is the one for you given all the drama you have endured already.

I think your life plan may involve getting yourself together first and then seeing what partner is the one.

Thank you, but what I really want is her back. No contact will be really difficult, although I have done that today.

Dude, you were married. And went back to your wife.

Be real. What do you expect the girl to do.

The good news is that life is not so cruel.
If you live for others and give give give - good things will come back to you... maybe her.
Or maybe someone else.

Thank you so so much for the awesome advice... but it's probably tooo late. I haven't talked to him since he broke up with me, and I said Leon, if that's what you want... so be it.

GDArtist, I know how you feel because I'm in the same boat except I got dumped twice by the same guy in the last two months. It's not healthy I know. The first time we broke up, I knew I was going to call him after a month because I knew then he was the right person for me. However, he called me after a week of our breakup. The second time he dumped me which was about 2 weeks ago, I retained my dignity and embraced his decision. But I don't feel the same as I did the first time. I simply lost trust in him. I thought to myself, is this the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life when he is not willing to work it out with you. Or simply, he didn't love you enough to make it work.

And I conclude (as hard as it sounds) that he just didn't love me enough.

So, what I am saying you can't force someone to love you back. It goes the same for you. Nobody can force you to love them. It's strange to human, but love is intangible. And I think it is awesome that you have felt it at some point in time because I tell you that it isn't funny when you don't feel love for anybody. There are people out there who has gone through that phase of no love--admittedly I have--which I felt sad.

It is true that it's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

However, don't give up on love. You should hope that the good will come to you. Let someone go if it is not meant to be. You don't want to cage them if they are unhappy. You don't want anyone to do that to you. So why would you want to do that to anyone?

It's the old cliché... Love is like a butterfly, if you chase it, it will eldue you. But if you just let if fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.. . This has always been true for me... which is so weird.

Anyway, you will just have to go through the cycle of grieve. Treat your ex, like he/she is dead as if you can't contact them anymore. But don't act on it please...

All my best...

Thank you so much for your response... wallawalla... I appreciate it. What you say makes a ton of sense. I realize I can love with all of my heart, and I pray every day... go to church and get my knees that there is someone like him, Lee, who will appreciate me for the person I am. I know this is crazy and please don't think I am egotistical.. but I realize I am a catch... a beautiful good career oriented woman, who has her act together, and didn't deserve this. But it did.

A lot has happened.. since I wrote last.
I went to lunch with him on Wednesday, he text me. I have had a terribly hard time getting over him, so since I work a lot with realtors, branding and web site for them, I decided to go to school, and become one as well. I passed that horrible test.

During one of the school days he text me, wanting to go to lunch with me, I already had lunch plans. So I went with him the next day. We meet across the street from school, I thought it strange he wouldn't pic me up. But anyway we had a great lunch - couldn't eat!
D of by phone, and it worked. The supervisor had me called him, after them needing to know the circumstances and got on the phone with him, and had him pay the balance for first class tickets... business section was sold out. It was a lot of money... but him paying said a ton.

I wrote him this last night thanking him...

That meant a ton to me. It says you still care.
Joan will take care of me. She said she would.
She will help me get back to Julie. Try anyway.
Joan and Kyle love me so much.

The tickets you purchased were first class, round trip. We will all ride in first class.
All other tickets were sold out.

They screwed up the trip home, and you wouldn't answer the phone,
So they had me call you from their phone. They asked me what
These circumstances were, because I didn't want to have to call you
Back and I was crying... They gave me the first class tickets home for free.
It would have been an additional $529.00.

I don't know what else to say... other then...

I can't see you anymore. I love you so and when I see you...
I want to be with you the way we use to be, and I start crying... and I get so sad
For days... and I can't work, and am so weak... and until I can be with you the way my body and mind needs to be...
To calm both our hearts... I can't see you. Funny, I miss eating ice cream with you at night, it just reminded me of being with you at night... besides you lying next to me.

I need you 100% back... not just on your terms.. and I don't even know what those are half the time.
I know you love me. I know it. Find a way back you, please before it's to late.

I went out with his best friend's wife last week, and she couldn't believe all the guys that
Were asking me out... she is mad at Leon for what he has done. The he needs to come back crawling. I don't know what is going to happen... but I still love him dearly.. my heart says to totally leave him alone though.

God Bless you for listening to my stuff, I realize now there are millions out there like me that have gone through similar situations as myself. Just wish people would be who they say they are, so the ones who are honest, good and have their act together don't have to suffer...

Thank you again... you are awesome!

One day at a time. Stay focused on yourself and it will get better.

Ash, I guess I am just so fortunate that I found the woman of my dreams about 10 years ago and we married 5 years ago and every day is a blessing. But what I really want to address here is what a blessing you have been to so many on this thread. Please let me say for all of us Thank You dear, and God bless...
Stringer

You are awesome Ash123 - I am focusing on me! You are so right. It's hard though... The more I let go, the more opportunities pop up... the more I feel better, when I stay away from him.