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She brought up to me that we needs to just be friends to reestablish the trust between us. How do you go from a 2 year relationship talking about marriage... to being friends with hopes of working back into the relationship? She told me a few weeks back that she thought we had rushed into this. How can you say that after 2 years have already passed?? Why is she running these lines on me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
Who knows... my case is the same but different in many ways from most people on here. Her and I talked nearly everyday for the first 5 months after we broke up. Because we were good friends.
Its hard to do. Most people wouldn't want to go through that. Its easier to move on than to subject yourself to that kind of hurt all the time. But in my case, I know she is worth it. I was willing to make the effort.
I went from a 7 year relationship and many discussions about marriage. But like I said... being friends is hard. But you have to focus on the here and now. Talk about happy things. Goals... music... movies... what you did this weekend. Stuff that you would talk about with a good friend. But don't sit there and ask about the relationship... what, why, where, how... and when. Its pressure... guilt... hurt... pain that you are bringing up. How is that going to fix anything.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
Talk about those things with us here on the board or with your buddies. But NOT with her. If you want to rebuild a trust and friendship then start by being her friend. You know how to do that... you do it everyday with your buddies.
ANother thing that pisses me off... my birthday was June 29th. Her and I had plans to see each other for my birthday. On my birthday she tells me that she didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other on my birthday. Instead she went out with her friends. That hurt me and pissed me off.
Im not trying to side with her here but... but don't be mad. Its just as confusing to her as it it is to you. She won't admit that to you but she is unhappy just like you. She is trying to find her way. I know if I were in her shoes it would be so hard to see someone I loved and had a long relationship with.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
Like I said... the best thing is to not have any expectations.
Is she really hurting as much as me? She seems to be happy from all the things she told me last time we saw each other. I judt don't think she is missing me at all, and I think she is falling out of love with me. People tell me differently, but I just don't see it that way.
The advice I gave you... about being her friend? She is applying it. She said she wants work on being friends... So why would she sit there and pour her heart out to you? She is keeping it fun... light conversation... happy. She is trying to be your friend. Do the same.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
And you should continue to work on yourself. Work on your issues. Fix what the problems were. You can't even begin to thing of getting back in a relationship with her before you fix what broke.
I would continue to meet her as a friend... but I cannot do that if she isn't contacting me. Maybe 2 weeks isn't a lot of time, but it seems forever to me considering I am in it.
This breka has gone on for about a month and a half. I have also been in therapy for the same amount of time. I feel I am ready to begin working on the relationship, but I feel I cannot bring it up. I feel this has gone on long enough.
You may be ready but she my not be. Work on being friends first... No pressure... no expectations... just friendsQuote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
How can I do that if she doesn't contact me?
Stop thinking in terms of getting her back, Stop thinking about working on the relationship. Think in terms of building a life that YOU enjoy without her. Balance your life and LEARN how to make JOE happy. That's exactly what she is doing. Rightfully so. How else can you be prepared for what life will throw at you next? If you move on in a positive direction you will be met with positive results. Hang in and get busy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
The pot boils more quick if your busy doing what your supposed to do.Quote:
I would continue to meet her as a friend... but I cannot do that if she isn't contacting me. Maybe 2 weeks isn't a lot of time, but it seems forever to me considering I am in it.
Tal is telling you the same think I am... Work on you first...
Just curious about your therapy sessions, and how they are going?
She is giving you the space you need to help yourself, and not to be nosey(hehehe) but what where those issues??Quote:
She wants to work on the relationship, but wants me to work on my trust issues first.
I would call her a whole bunch of times when I couldn't reach her when she was out with her friends. A couple of times I would show up at places she would be at when she wouldn't answer her phone. The therapy is going well. I mean the fact that I am not calling her at all or questioning her about the last month and a half we have not been together is a huge step for me. I do miss her, but I am learning how life is without her.
Hope you never act like a nutcase again, glad you got help. It will get better just keep on your path. Be patient with yourself.
I can admit and take full responsibility for my actions. I learned a valuable lesson from all this.
I really am taking the steps to improve myself in all the ways I can. The only problem is that I can't get my situation out of my head. It has become much easier to deal with after a month of all this. However, it is still in my head every day.
I wish I could tell you that it will be better soon, but that's up to how driven you are to get healthy. Volunteering is a great way to spend time, and nothing boost self esteem and confidence faster than giving of yourself and time, to some one who doesn't have what you can give. Get busy, stay busy.
I wish this was easier, but for me it isn't. I just feel on some level she is not going to be there to work on the relationship. I know I can't focus on that, but it is a fear I have. I am learning how to cope with everything else, but I just do not want to throw away two years.
I took Talaniman's advice and sent a text message asking how she has been. I figure it is two weeks, so it really couldn't hurt. Tell me if you guys agree.
Its hard to work on yourself while at the same time trying to work out relationship issues. It's a tight rope to walk. Stick to working on you. Make it a habit. Continue with therapy and try to keep the contact to a minimum. If you do contact her... don't bring up problems from the relationship. Be all about the positive things.
Well I never planned on bringing up anything about the relationship. She said she wanted to work on reestablishing the trust. How else can we do that if there is no contact between us. I felt I had to break the ice somehow.
Ok... thats good. Reestablishing the trust is a long process... just take it slow and don't have expectations. The best way to establish trust is to be a good friend... listen... keep the friendship fun... lighthearted... laugh as much as possible. In short... be good friends.
This is the hard part, leave her alone and she if she acknowledges the text. If not you have nothing holding you back, and no escuses not to worry about just you, and your healing. (there's no excuse anyway)
She may make me sweat this out and hold back from responding for a little bit
2 hours now, and I still have heard nothing
Joe I feel your pain man I am in the same boat as you but it seems she has given you a little more hope then mine has. You just have to be patient don't stress on it go out for a run, bike, hit the gym, call your buds and get out on the golf course just do something to keep your mind off it.
I am getting is such great shape right now and I feel so good about myself. When I start to fall back and want to talk/text her I read this I am a religious person and I am not forcing this on you but it helps me!
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
Thank you flyguy... that does help. The only problem is I don't know If she even loves me anymore. I am filled with so much doubt.
Joe,
The past 2 years of my life have been consumed with a situation similar to this. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I will say one thing. Patience is key. I know the fears you speak, the thoughts that she doesn't love you anymore and how they worm their way inside your heart and mind and drive you crazy. You are not alone.
One thing that I always had to remember, and still try to when it's necessary is to remember that the other person is just as scared as you are. That they also probably freak out about contact and how to handle it. Remember that she is human too, and she's got to work her way through this as well. Have faith that things can be repaired, but that it's a slow process, a very slow process. You're taking steps and that is the right thing to do.
I would like to think she is just as scared as me, but I don't feel it. Her actions are speaking louder than words, and I just don't think she cares anymore.
Haplo is right on Joe - she is just as scared as we are but it was her choice to do this so she has to remain strong and not show you that she is scared because she really wants to repair herself. Just keep busy keep your head up there is no way to predict what will happen so why stress about it focus make yourself better fix your problems that is all we can do right now.
My brother tells me that text messaging her shows a breakdown on my part, and that I just ruined everything. Is this true?
No, it's not true. One of the biggest difficulties in situations like these is that there are going to be lots and lots of people telling you you're doing something wrong or that you've made a mistake. You're not, and you haven't.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
Part of love is exposing yourself and accepting that you may get hurt for your actions. You've initiated some contact and reminded her that you're still there. There's nothing wrong with that.
Now the ball is in her court and give her time and space to decide what she wants to do with it.
Instead of taking positive action your sitting waiting on a maybe.TSK<TSK, I told you there are no more excuses, and here you sit completely out of focus letting your thoughts F""k you up. Now is the time to get up and get busy, not sit on big dusty staring at life, GET A LIFE!! Clean your closet, polish your shoes, anything but sitting with a dumb look, on your impatient A$$. Get with the program!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe2982
I guess the best thing for me to do now is just move on and live my life. Time will tell the outcome of all this.
Joe you are right on there is nothing else you can do just keep busy, keep making yourself a better person, and look for strength in yourself to get through this. No one knows what will happen in the future but the worst thing we can do is stress about the future that just clouds our thoughts and sets us a few steps back. Learn to know that the only person you need to make you happy is yourself this trait is something that all women are very attracted to. Go out and live have fun keep your head up you will do just fine.
I have a question. The more time that passes, aren't the two of us going to fall out of love with each other?
Not neciessarily. Have you ever heard the saying "the heart grows fonder with distance"? You just have to think positively, and remember that the more thinking the better because it will lead to your relationship improving.:)
I think that depends. I'm in your shoes too and I've asked a lot of people a lot of questions and from what I gather this is the gist of it... the way you guys left things off don't sound bad, so as time goes on she will forget about the negative things and remember the good times you guys shared. She will miss you... this works for you, but it will take a bit of time to sink in because she's the one that called it off.
The only risk of being apart is who they or you meet in between that time apart, and with that no one has control. I think the only chances of someone ever getting completely over an ex that did not end badly is if they fall in love with someone else they are completely happy with, because that will fill the void of loneliness and possible regret the ex left behind.
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