Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sometimes the little things mean a lot, and since she can't do that, stop the madness and confusion and wondering. You already know the path to walk so why are you holding out hope, and trying to kindle a flame thats not there. I really don't think YOU want to go back, but are trying to make her something she may not be. You tell me.

---

Yeah you make a very valid point I think I overlook her faults... its my physical attractiveness that's clouding my vision in some way but there are nice qualities to her personality as well which keep sme hanging on... I get confused hwne we kiss each other yet she doesn't want to see me but she will contact me to chat through email, and to be honest I dontknwo if its just to be friends or she feels something but won't say... another thing that annoyed me was that when she finished it she said she wouldn't be with a guy tilll at least next year so after 4 months she is seeing someone, I can't work it out

It is confusing when someone is nice and friendly and you want more. People make that mistake all the time. We as humans are attracted to one another and young or old, we sometimes misread the intentions of the ones we are attracted to. That's why no contact is the best way to heal and think clearly, as contact will always raise the attraction, and tweak your emotions and keep you confused. After every contact, does she, or doesn't she pops up. The choice is clear, HEAL or be CONFUSED! No Contact, or be confused.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

It is confusing when someone is nice and friendly and you want more. People make that mistake all the time. We as humans are attracted to one another and young or old, we sometimes misread the intentions of the ones we are attracted to. Thats why no contact is the best way to heal and think clearly, as contact will always raise the attraction, and tweak your emotions and keep you confused. After every contact, does she, or doesn't she pops up. The choice is clear, HEAL or be CONFUSED!! No Contact, or be confused.

---

That's where the confusion came in on my part, she kissed me and kept saying she liked me a lot... so I think she liked me a lot, why did we end then cause nothing major went wrong except her saying she seen it getting serious and she didn't want that... I don't know if she just can't cope with a serious relationship because of all the emotional ups and downs that can be invloved, if that was the case then I would understand a bit better and probably not take it as personally either

Your way more invested emotionally than she is, and that conflict is what's throwing everything way off. Time not to answer any calls and disappear from her life for your OWN health and happiness.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your way more invested emotionally than she is, and that conflict is whats throwing everything way off. Time not to answer any calls and disappear from her life for your OWN health and happiness.

---

Well first of all I didn't reply to her email and I won't be... was out at the weekend with my mates and she was in the same nightclub as me. My stomach turned when I saw her at first and I felt I wanted to leave but stayed... we then crossed each ohters paths x2 and she smiled and I Just nodded my head, no conversation between us. I actually get angry when I see her, she is a spoiled,selfish little girl who thinks she is wonderful and totally full of herself. One or two girls were talking away to me in front of her and my mate said she kept looking over... what I don't understand is she is not interested yet she looks over when I am getting attention, it makes me think she likes me or something but I'm now angry all the time... I feel like venting my feelings to her but I don't see the point as it will just fill that ego even more as "SHE IS SO WONDERFUL"

I can't get her out my head, I know she is not right for me... she is only 21 I'm 27, she is an attention seeker, spoiled, thinks of herself... why do I persist in thinking about her or hope that she will appear in the same place as me... I feel as if I'm going insane, when I see her, I just want to kiss her... she is a player with guys but yet I find myself chasing unknown to her

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tyne26

I can't get her out my head, i know she is not right for me....she is only 21 im 27, she is an attention seeker, spoiled, thinks of herself...............why do i persist in thinkin about her or hope that she will appear in the same place as me.......I feel as if im going insane, when i see her, i just want to kiss her.......she is a player with guys but yet i find myself chasing unknown to her

---

She sounds almost identical to my ex. Why do you feel that way? Probably because she left you and being the one left behind really hurts, especially when you love her. Ask yourself, if she came back to you, would you really want her? Its funny but I think we only feel this way because we want what we can't have. That does not undermine your love for her or discredit it in some way but if she came back tomorrow and you did get back together, what would change? Just the fact that you won't feel left behind anymore, and rejected.

That's what hurts the most, being felt like you are loved one minute and then thrown to the sidewalk like a piece of garbage the next. No, she is not right for you and this is why if you did get her back, that would be your true misfortune because you are in a different maturity zone to her and probably different in many ways anyway. Not always a bad thing but in this case maybe it is. My ex was so wrong for me and absolutely everyone in my friends and family told me that, actually even before the breakup. It still did not stop me feeling the pain because you can't help who you fall in love with, it just happens.

You must try your best to be strong and take steps forward. You will slip many times but trying to take those steps forward proves to yourself and others that you want to try and let go.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

She sounds almost identical to my ex. Why do you feel that way? Probably because she left you and being the one left behind really hurts, especially when you love her. Ask yourself, if she came back to you, would you really want her? Its funny but I think we only feel this way because we want what we can't have. That does not undermine your love for her or discredit it in some way but if she came back tomorrow and you did get back together, what would change? Just the fact that you won't feel left behind anymore, and rejected.

Thats what hurts the most, being felt like you are loved one minute and then thrown to the sidewalk like a piece of garbage the next. No, she is not right for you and this is why if you did get her back, that would be your true misfortune because you are in a different maturity zone to her and probably different in many ways anyway. Not always a bad thing but in this case maybe it is. My ex was so wrong for me and absolutely everyone in my friends and family told me that, actually even before the breakup. It still did not stop me feeling the pain because you can't help who you fall in love with, it just happens.

You must try your best to be strong and take steps forward. You will slip many times but trying to take those steps forward proves to yourself and others that you want to try and let go.

---

This is the thing I only seen her occasionally in a 4month period so I can't call it love, but I feel every time she is out I crave her attention the way I used to get it from her before, I'm iss her texting me, calling me etc... she is seeing someone which she says is casual but I don't know and I'm not going looking for info on it... im jealous she is gving someone else that attention... I was getting attention off females at the weekend in a nightclub and she saw it all... she kept staring over but nothing has come of it... sad to say maybe, but I wanted to see her being jealous... she made excuses always to keep her distance from me but tells me she liked me a lot... it doesn't add up... what does this guy do that I can't that's what I ask myself

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tyne26

This is the thing i only seen her occasionally in a 4month period so i can't call it love, but i feel every time she is out i crave her attention the way i used to get it from her before, im iss her texting me, calling me etc................she is seeing some1 which she says is casual but i dont know and im not going looking for info on it...........im jealous she is gving some1 else that attention.....i was getting attention off females at the weekend in a nightclub and she saw it all.....she kept staring over but nothing has come of it.......sad to say maybe, but i wanted to see her being jealous......she made excuses always to keep her distance from me but tells me she liked me a lot.....it doesnt add up.....what does this guy do that i can't thats what i ask myself

---

Maybe its not about what you can or can't do, maybe she just wanted to experiment, explore something different. Like tal says or I'm sure he has said, relationships are hard work and it takes good, honest communication and real hard work to make them last the distance. She is too young to accept this kind of responsibility and perhaps you are not, you may possibly be reaching that level of maturity or have passed it, I don't know because I don't know you, only you know that but that's what my initial thoughts tell me. I think this is why she was a mismatch for you.

You need to stop trying to make her jealous and try to avoid going to places she goes to because it will screw with your head and I can see it is already.

Ask yourself also, if you don't call it love and it was not love, is the reason you get these feelings more about you and not about her? Or are you putting her on that pedestal like so many of us (including myself) have done with the ex's to make her attention seem more important than anyone else's? Again, only you can answer that one.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Maybe its not about what you can or can't do, maybe she just wanted to experiment, explore something different. Like tal says or I'm sure he has said, relationships are hard work and it takes good, honest communication and real hard work to make them last the distance. She is too young to accept this kind of responsibility and perhaps you are not, you may possibly be reaching that level of maturity or have passed it, I don't know because I don't know you, only you know that but thats what my initial thoughts tell me. I think this is why she was a mismatch for you.

You need to stop trying to make her jealous and try to avoid going to places she goes to because it will screw with your head and I can see it is already.

Ask yourself also, if you don't call it love and it was not love, is the reason you get these feelings more about you and not about her? Or are you putting her on that pedestal like so many of us (including myself) have done with the ex's to make her attention seem more important than anyone elses? Again, only you can answer that one.

---

These are very good questions and I feel as if you understand me even though we have never met. Yes I do put her on that pedestal, I look at her and think she is so attractive and I look at her in a way and wish I was that age again, I feel as if I can get no one as nice as her which I know is silly, part of me is mature but I still think there is a part of me that is immature and shouldn't be dwelling on this, its as if there is a weakness I cannot overcome. My ego is bruised I am not ashamed to admit it, I know I am good enough but feel myself trying to show her, her mistake

It is YOUR choice to either accept she is no longer in your life, or keep her in your head rent free. You Can chose to use your freedom to find your own happiness, and move on, or sit on a pity pot spinning your wheels.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tyne26

These are very good questions and I feel as if you understand me even though we have never met. Yes I do put her on that pedestal, i look at her and think she is so attractive and i look at her in a way and wish i was that age again, I feel as if i can get no1 as nice as her which i know is silly, part of me is mature but i still think there is a part of me that is immature and shouldnt be dwelling on this, its as if there is a weakness i cannot overcome. My ego is bruised i am not ashamed to admit it, i know i am good enough but feel myself trying to show her, her mistake

---

I don't think you are necessarily immature because you are dwelling on it but I agree with you when you say that your ego is bruised and it is nothing to be ashamed of because it is to be expected. Its good that you know you are good enough and that you understand that you have a weakness. This very fact tells me that you will overcome all this because you recognise this about yourself. You are self reflecting and this is good but at the same time, you still have that inner confidence which tells you that you are good enough and that probably is the case. The thoughts that you must fight are those which tell you that in some way you do not give whatever you think it is that she wants or needs because you can never know that and those are thoughts that have no place in the healing process but inevitably surface from time to time. I think the reason she left was more about her and her need to 'sow her wild oats' than about you.

The thing with self-confidence is that it is generally an up and down process and is not always consistent and maybe this is where you are struggling. When you are down, there is only one way to go and that is up. There will be a time when things are different but we all have those down points in our lives when things don't quite go as we planned. You are 27 now and I don't doubt you have chalked up some experience in life, she is only 21 and has much to learn, so do you, but you are further than her even though you may think you are not because maybe of how you perceived her in your eyes.

Not sure how much sense you make of what I have said but I hope you can take something from it and see that things will improve for you if you let them.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I don't think you are necessarily immature because you are dwelling on it but I agree with you when you say that your ego is bruised and it is nothing to be ashamed of because it is to be expected. Its good that you know you are good enough and that you understand that you have a weakness. This very fact tells me that you will overcome all this because you recognise this about yourself. You are self reflecting and this is good but at the same time, you still have that inner confidence which tells you that you are good enough and that probably is the case. The thoughts that you must fight are those which tell you that in some way you do not give whatever you think it is that she wants or needs because you can never know that and those are thoughts that have no place in the healing process but inevitably surface from time to time. I think the reason she left was more about her and her need to 'sow her wild oats' than about you.

The thing with self-confidence is that it is generally an up and down process and is not always consistent and maybe this is where you are struggling. When you are down, there is only one way to go and that is up. There will be a time when things are different but we all have those down points in our lives when things don't quite go as we planned. You are 27 now and I don't doubt you have chalked up some experience in life, she is only 21 and has much to learn, so do you, but you are further than her even though you may think you are not because maybe of how you perceived her in your eyes.

Not sure how much sense you make of what I have said but I hope you can take something from it and see that things will improve for you if you let them.

---

This makes perfect sense, everything you and Tal have said makes perfect sense, I know for a fact that if I could meet a girl who I really like and the feeling is returned she will be long forgotten about... this is the hard part cause a lot of peopl ewho I meet are either taken or are only 20-21 years old

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tyne26

This makes perfect sense, everything you and Tal have said makes perfect sense, I know for a fact that if i could meet a girl who i really like and the feeling is returned she will be long forgotten about..........this is the hard part cause a lot of peopl ewho i meet are either taken or are only 20-21 years old

---

Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places or perhaps you are attracted to the young ones. I understand that, I am the same age as you but I have come to the realisation that the young just are not ready for anything serious. Not saying we are old because we are not but I know I am a different man to when I was 21, there was a lot of change, so I need someone who has beeen through all this wild stage, experimentation phase. Perhaps you do too bu the young ones are attractive to you because they in some way seem promiscuous or perhaps fun. Not sure is either of those words are correct because you can't generalise but we are talking about what you may be attracted to.

Not trying to ruin anything about older or younger relationships. Family friends of mine met when he was respectively 21 and she was 31, ten year difference. They been married over 10 years I think now and they have an 8 year old son. The women has another son who is 20 from another relationship.

Tyne stick to no contact and things can only get better.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jiser

Not trying to ruin anything about older or younger relationships. Family friends of mine met when he was respectively 21 and she was 31, ten year difference. They been married over 10 years I think now and they have an 8 year old son. The women has another son who is 20 from another relationship.

Tyne stick to no contact and things can only get better.

---

Good point..

Every situation is different and I want to emphasise the importance of not making generalisations. Not all young women want to go wild and not ready to be with someone older, it happens a lot but is not always the case.

Jiser is right, stick to NC.

Geoff has made a very good point as to the maturity level of a 20-21 year old as opposed to one who has seen and done the fun/frivilous experimenting stuff and is a lot more sensible about her future. Short term they may be fun, but aren't ready to see the long term yet. Getting over the ex, and getting back to the real life you live in, is so important so you can see there are many oppurtunities and places to find someone to share your happiness with. But first you have to be at the point that your life, and your attitude is healthy, and happy.

Generally I think the problem is nowa days people expect too much from life, they want too much, is there allways more out there they ask? People need to be happy with what they have right now first, not everyone can change the world and their lives in a day or weeks. We have to keep at it maybe even 3% a day.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places or perhaps you are attracted to the young ones. I understand that, I am the same age as you but I have come to the realisation that the young just are not ready for anything serious. Not saying we are old because we are not but I know I am a different man to when I was 21, there was a lot of change, so I need someone who has beeen through all this wild stage, experimentation phase. Perhaps you do too bu the young ones are attractive to you because they in some way seem promiscuous or perhaps fun. Not sure is either of those words are correct because you can't generalise but we are talking about what you may be attracted to.

---

Yes this is exactly how I've been feeling, I look at her and she is having fun and nothng seems to bother her, I feel looking back at my life I haven't had enough fun where I struggled with self esteem issues and have always worried too much. I feel myself getting jealous of her life and the attention she gets from the opposite sex... I think to myself why couldn't my life have had that... I know it sounds silly but this is me being totally honest with the way I think and feel.

When I'm on bebo I see she is online and she is always uploading photos of her and friends and now there are some with her and some guy who I think she is seeing... I don't know whether to delete her off my contacts list but I don't want to show I'm annoyed and give her that ego boost that she loves, cause she would love to see she gets to me.

Her and her friends are always out having a great time, my friends are boring, don't want to book up for any holidays or anything and some are with their grilfriends, I feel I've missed a big part of fun in my life.
These guys are just happy sitting in a little old mans pub and not go out in2 town or anything.

Its so hard trying to meet a nice woman I didn't realise it was going to be this hard, but I has made me realise to try a lot harder with my next relationship if ever this happens

Hey I feel for you tyne. I have very few friends who are up for much! The only who is is who is my best mate is away in costa rica and then he's off to Uni... Argh! I have my final year of University and I have just got a real good part time job as an I.T. manager. As I am only 21 everything is going good and I have a few festivals and holidays to look forward to and ill be real busy with work and Uni for next year.

At your age I can see how going to the pub with a load of boring old people doesn't help. I suggest that you perhaps go away on a singles holiday or activity holiday alone! Go start new things and meet new people. If your not happy then make active changes your life and make it happen for you. Through one sport I have done for 13 years I met a lot of my current friends through friends of friends etc. Get out there!