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Originally Posted by disambiguity

Hi Manga,
A very close friend of mine does the same as you do. I wanted to know if it was something in me who triggers him to react the same way as you do and always run a way from confrontations regarding his coldness and a real detachment from Joy in love or nice things in life. Doing that I discover somethings about me, but I also find out I was not the problem, he has big isues or troubles when it comes to getting close, and really intimate whit someone he loves or like. He see emotions or getting emotional as something wrong or not to be done. This example i am telling you here about, is just to suggest (i dont know who you are, what you do or want in life and from life) that maybe you shut look well and deep and carefull about what is this that makes you do this more and more times and why do you have dificulties whit it, I dont think in this blog you could find a real answer. The process you need to go trough to find out Why, and how to solve this lack of performance in social or intimate realtion ships is a real discovering journey offyourself.
It will take, time, it will take you to feell guilt, shame, sad but it will also liberate you because you will become a ware off what you are doing, why, when to whom, and will know is going to happen and you will slowly but certainly stop doing it. Maybe you shut go to a terapist or counselour, and talk whit honesty about it. I think you are already on the good way, it is not an easy thing to acept our own big mistakes. If you like to talk, I am here. Reagrds! (It is an important question yours and demands deep and an important answer)

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It's hard for me to remember when I get in that state of hurt. I get offensive when he raises his voice and confronts me on my behavior then I feel that I can't handle the way he's talking to me I get upset and run off. Then say it's over. Each time the hurt is strikingly familiar I really don't want to get comfortable with it, I know it's not healthy afterwards, I'm not sure if I'm suppressing it or dealing with it (as in accepting it)?

Then I talk to grandmother the other day her voice is high pitched when she gets emotional and sometimes I can't handle how emotional she gets. I noticed though she doesn't want to talk about how she feels and then she says she'll talk to me later. Made me realize I really don't know how to help someone or be empathetic to someone who's feeling sad. When I was younger I felt sad but my mom always said don't be sad and just be happy. Same with grandmother tells me don't show people you're mad it's ugly and sad because it's not pretty. It's very old traditional asian family. I guess I wasn't taught to talk about it or how to fix it?

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Originally Posted by disambiguity

Hi, i losted my answer to you before, triying to correct my english!! sorry.
All I wanted to say was this:
peopel who has normally isues whit emotions or comitment (getting really intimate whit someone) or are very controlling (expecting from others or life things"") often have some personality disorder, this I am saying by expirience, my partner has this dificulties in dealing whit emotions, whit anger, whit love also. It could be good for you to do some deep home work in analizing together whit a terapist your self, your life, your past, how you deal whit emotions and so on. You are in the good way, the pad to self knowledgement and for sure to correct your self ! (personality disorders are more popular than you think) maybe you in a way find getting emotional or fustrated to much, learn to deal whit it, if you like i sugest you some really great books. Hope to hear from you

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That's funny you brough the personality disorder up. I can't diagnose myself with it but I though of looking up a therapist for that. There's definitely I feel that's something's not right within me, It's hard to accept. Reading all these comments are becoming overwhelming a lot of different perspectives to look at.

It used to be with friends I didn't know how to deal with them. I would used to disregard them and petend I'm not their friend anymore, but now as I got older it's now with intimate relationships. Friends I have now I know how to keep and be there for, we all love each other very much. So I must be understanding something from how I behave and picked up from books. I'm very driven to not spend money on a therapist and try to find the answers for me the cheapest way possible, although I saw a therapist for a short time and stopped because being a student doesn't include therapeutic expenses.

BOOK for Ninahhdrams and Manga :
Emotions Revealed by Paul Elkman 2006
Great Book, you really need to be open to learn about it. Regarding Ninahh"s post before, is a learning thing life and relations, No body absolutely is perfect, if we keep on mind this, and decide to take the good of them and not the bad, them we are less fustrated. People always have differences. One thing I had learn is, o don't stay or be silence about things that others do and hurt me, to talk and say it, and other times to ignore some of those irritating things. Unconditionall love is something you have whit your children, very dificult to have whit one another, but not imposibel, it is about you really like the other persone and don't want to hurt it, and this persone likes you, loves you too and either will not want to hurt you. Respect is better than forgiviness.

I think it's great that you actually acknowledge your problems. That's the first step. Get a therapist and everything should be okay. Be patient with what life brings you, but at the same time be bold. In your case, bold would be to make this positive action and help yourself. I think it's great to admit it. Takes much will power to accept this. You should be fine. People and possibly your man will admire you for this and respect you more. Congrats!

I am not diagnosing you, please don't get me wrong, I hope you really don't do it, and don't get overwhelmed, it is a dificult issue as I already said, Just don't listen to people whit nero minded answers, or close views or agrsive talk, is not what you need. The personality disorders are not a psychiatric illness, there are states of mind that develop in us when we face pain or disruptive emotions, expiriences or perceptions. I am doing a lot of stuidyes about it and there is an interesting book, I don't dear to recommend you because I am afraid you will get me wrong. Just take it easy, don't punish yourself, it takes time and to tell you also something, sometimes we just know even if we don't want to end a relation that the persone we leave was not the right partner, so don't feell guilty maybe you had that also! Really take it easy there is nothing wrong whit you, is just learning thing, dealing whit emotions!! And whit life, love is a never ending happening

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Originally Posted by disambiguity

I am not diagnosing you, please dont get me wrong, I hope you really dont do it, and dont get overwhelmed, it is a dificult issue as I already said, Just dont listen to peopel whit nero minded answers, or close views or agrsive talk, is not what you need. The personality disorders are not a psychiatric illness, there are states of mind that develop in us when we face pain or disruptive emotions, expiriences or perceptions. I am doing a lot of stuidyes about it and there is an interesting book, I dont dear to recomend you because I am afraid you will get me wrong. Just take it easy, dont punish your self, it takes time and to tell you also something, sometimes we just know even if we dont want to end a relation that the persone we leave was not the right partner, so dont feell guilty maybe you had that also!! really take it easy there is nothing wrong whit you, is just learning thing, dealing whit emotions!!! and whit life, love is a never ending hapening

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Oh no I wasn't saying you were I was saying that I can't say for sure I have a personality disorder but that it crossed my mind to talk to someone about it. It takes a lot for me to get down on myself but the thought of my issues saddens me. I'll be OK I try my best to keep my head up from drowning in my thoughts of negativity as much as possible!

And again, MADE A MISTAKE, I am sorry I notice I do something wrong whti my postings, ilosed some really sorry. Before you mention the way your mother or you Grand mother talk and taught you about how to handel emotios : This is the same way they told my partner. So I am happy I can be here for you. You are doing FINE JOB lady!! THERE IS NOTHING MORE BEUTYFULL IN LIFE THAT BE ABLE TO HELP Ourselves. Terpist I agree are expensive and can understand very well all. When you want to cry, cry, when you are hurt them feell it, and when you feel joy do it to, let yourself be yourself

From what you explain Manga I very, very, very, seriously doubt you have a personality disorder. Those usually carry extreme criteria, meaning severe problems. What you describe is not unlike millions of totally normal people who just haven't learned how to deal with their emotions, relationships and situations in the most mature, healthy way. I would say you have issues not a disorder. I am however, not saying don't talk to a counselor they can be a great benefit if you find the right one.

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Originally Posted by disambiguity

And again, MADE A MISTAKE, I am sorry I notice i do something wrong whti my postings, ilosed some really sorry. Before you mention the way your mother or you Grand mother talk and teached you about how to handel emotios : This is the same way they told my partner. So I am happy I can be here for you. You are doing FINE JOB lady!!! THERE IS NOTHING MORE BEUTYFULL IN LIFE THAT BE ABLE TO HELP OUR SELVES. Terpist I agree are expensive and can understand very well all. When you want to cry, cry, when you are hurt them feell it, and when you feel joy do it to, let your self be your self

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That's encouraging thank you!

You know Manga I did the same, I don't go to a terapist, not because of money but because like you I told I want to understand it first myself. Yes helps to talk a lots, write also helps you are doing that! I did something and still do it, I write the words or the names of the emotions I am feelling and them next to it or I reflect why and what hapenned whe I felt or reacted to them, this helps me understand myself, them I satnd up and say, well it is right or it is wrong what I did. You don't need to write them in paper just for yourself, there is nothing wrong in been unhappy is part off life Buddism teach this, I am not a Buddhist but I love the way it teachs about life, sufering and love

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Originally Posted by tawnynkids

From what you explain Manga I very, very, very, seriously doubt you have a personality disorder. Those usually carry extreme criteria, meaning severe problems. What you describe is not unlike millions of totally normal people who just haven't learned how to deal with their emotions, relationships and situations in the most mature, healthy way. I would say you have issues not a disorder. I am however, not saying don't talk to a counselor they can be a great benefit if you find the right one.

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Yes I agree. I'm not sure how to reply in the same box as the one you already wrote in. I think I could be off the wall emotionally driven and misunderstood but not yet convinced myself to personality disorder. just looked into it what you have said helped me assuringly about that topic. Because only hearing from the one I care about tell me I'm psychotic effects me then when he calms down he tells me I'm not psychotic but that I need to realize my behavior.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I think it's great that you actually acknowledge your problems. That's the first step. Get a therapist and everything should be okay. Be patient with what life brings you, but at the same time be bold. In your case, bold would be to make this positive action and help yourself. I think it's great to admit it. Takes much will power to accept this. You should be fine. People and possibly your man will admire you for this and respect you more. Congrats!

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Thanks emo punk!

Yes the others we care about like to label us as "crazy" or "psychotic" because sometime we do behave irrationally. That doesn't mean we are nuts. It just means we need to learn better tools in dealing with our lives.

"The Choosing to Forgive Workbook" By Frank Minirth and Les Carter. -This book helps you to recognize and forgive yourself and others for past hurts and learn to move on from them and not carry them around with us or into our future relationships.

"Love is A Decision" By Gary Smalley and John Trent -This book will show you what a healthy loving relationship looks like. How you should expect to be treated and how you should treat the one you love.

"Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself" by Florence Littauer - This book really helps you take a better look at who you are and who others are, why we do what we do, and how we can use our strengths and not our weaknesses to be better people.

I do hope you read them I think you will find a lot in them.

It one thing worries me about this situation... is NOT FAIR for you to hide your emotions or your thoughts when you are not agree with your boyfriend. You can't hide what are your thoughts because you want made him feel compfortable... what about you? Do you feel comfortable know you are holding some thoughts? You have rights to be you and express your feelings...

If you get upset because he doesn't listen you... maybe you are not the problem. But if is the way the conversation turn out, you can tell him that the conversation is turning aggressive or you are getting upset if you can call him later when all the moods change and both can think better the situation.