You are going about this the right way. But let me tell you now talking about this crap about Oh I feel bad cause I want to tell her about her job or whatever!!

WAKE UP CHAMP SHE DUMPED YOU SHE Didn't THINK TWICE ABOUT HOW GREAT A GUY SHE HAD AND HOW YOU WERE INTERESTED IN HER LIFE!!

SHE Didn't CARE LESS!!

WHO CARES ABOUT THE GOD DAM JOB AND THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD BE THINKING THIS IS CAUSE YOUR NOT THINKING STRAIGH AND YOUR NOT PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST < THINKING AND CONGRATULATING HER SOUNDS LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO BECAUSE YOU THINK SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OPF YOUR MIND LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY HERE AND MYSELF THOUGHT< WHEN IN THIS SITUATION I WANT HER TO STILL THINK I CARE AND WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER THIS WAS A BIG THING!! \

Well that's history champ. You have to look back to when you first met you didn't worry about that so don't worry about it now.

The idea of winning her back is great and this can be done but you must pretty much do what sound wrong.You have to do the opposite of what sounds right

Like most guiys think buy flowers give gifts suck up ntell her I'm sorry WRONG!!

You've done great so far and really if you had a clear head at the moment you would think like this!!

Imagine yuou new this girl and you liked her and you gave her your number and wondered if she liked you. What do you do , you wait for her to call cause hell if she isn't calling she doesn't want you.

If you met a chick when you were out and she gave yuou her number and you wernt interested you wouldn't call, but if you really liked her you would call.

Well same goes for the ex if she is interested she will call.

Ive red your posts and I thoink you are a huge chance. The bit where she said well the offer is still there that is a HUGE signal if she was not interested she would never have said that. One thing that has helped you though is acting like you arte not that keen! The idea here does not mean you have to pretend you are not keen but what you should be doing is showing that you could be keen but you are not the type of guy who lets a girl take a break if you know what I mean she chas to realise that taking a break from you means she is losing you and your not the type to go back your to strong for that you have other options you know what yuou want in life and she's missing out your moving forward any passengers want to jump off the train they don't just jump back on!!

This is the idesa you don't have to show you don't like her you can still like her but just not that keen to resume the relationship, your in charge you if she wants to get back on the train she has to work hard show you why she should be back on boartd

]YOU MAKE THIS DIFFICULT BY USING HER WORDS AGAINST HER, TELL HER YOUR NOT SURE IF THINGS WORK OUT AFTER BREAKS YOU Don't THINK THGEY DO!! TELL HER YOUR THINKING ABVOUT IT BUT NEED SOME TIME!! JUSTY LIKE SHE TOLD YOU
!! HAHAHA LOOK Who's GIVING WHO TIME NOW. SHE WILL CALL AGAIN AND AGAIN ASKING TO CATCH UP THEN YOU CAN CATCH UP AND TELL HER YUOUR STILL UNSURE BUT WILLING TO GIVE IT A GO!! TAKE IT SLKOW UR IN CONTROL NOW
You've GOT A 95% CHANCE HERE I THINK YOUR BACK IN AND IM NORMALLY RIGHT Haven't SEEN THIS FOR A LONG TIME. Don't BLOW IT Don't CALL AT ALL. IF SHE WANTS U SHE WILL CALL. AND I KNOW SHE WILL. KEEP US POSTED...

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

Another thing is that she finds out tomorrow whether she is hired back to the firm she's been working at (in other words, whether she keeps her job there). She's been slaving at this place through our whole relationship (seven months) and for me not to call to at least ask about that would basically be a slap in her face. Not that she didn't slap me in the face by asking for the break during these last few weeks of her work stuff, but if I want this to work out, which I do, not calling would pretty much ice it I think. Am I right on this?

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No you are wrong. Completely wrong. If she gets the job and wants to tell you then let her call you. That's her news to share, not yours to seek out. If she wanted you to call and congradulate her then she shouldn't have dumped you.

Here's the problem. Your being such a nice guy that even when she does wrong by you that you just continue to accept it. That's bad enough but you make it worse and continue trying to be nice to appease her some more. Ask yourself this, how is being the nice guy working for you? Other then meeting all us cool people being the nice guy, always appeasing her hasn't done you one favor. She takes your kindness and turns it back around on you to get her way.

So you've never laid the boundaries down with her by letting her know that using you and your kindness is not acceptable. Those boundaries, or lack there of, are being taken advantage of and quite honestly used by her to get what she wants out of you. Even her text messages about meeting this weekend were all about control and emotional using. She strung you along until you asked where you were going... in other words until she knew that you couldn't resist and would be right there waiting. When she had you there she then left, even in the world of text messaging. And what did that do? It confused you and left you wondering. In other words she emotionally used and controlled you.

Calling her is out of the question. She dumped you. She is still trying to emotionally string you along. If she wants you back make her come to you for once.

PERFECT chuff I WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD LISTEN IF YOU GET DUMPED THE EX ALWAYS WANTS to string you along to help with there motions. Some exs do not do this delibeately they think well I will still chat and benice an maybe they feel a bit guilty and don't under estimate that just because they dumped you they can still be missing you and hving second thoughts this is for sure. Especially in a long reltionship they are very attached they don't just let go of that. You must show that you don't stand for any of this and this is doneby simply not talking to gher. Why ould you want to associate with someone who goes out with youand then says I don't want you any more they used you!! TNATS RIGHT USED YOU!! Didn't CARE WHY GO OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE IF THEY ARE GOINGTO USE YOU!!

Imagine you went out and some bloke punched you in the head would you try and talk to I'm and be mates with him!! Hell no!! \

YET SHE GIVES YOU ABLOW TO THE HEART AND YOURVE KNOWN HER MUCH LONGER THAN THAT BLOKE WHO BELTED YOUIN THE HEAD ANDYOU ARE WILLING TO TALK TO HER. WHYWOULD ANYONE WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE LIKE THAT!! SIMPLE ONE REASON THEY ARE THINKING WITH THERE HEART NOT THERE MIND.. That's WHY AFTER A WHILE PEOPLE SAY I can't BELIEVE HER SHE BROKE MY HEART WHY WAS I STILL FRIENDS WITH SUCH A MEAN PERSON. YOU Wouldn't CHOOSE TO HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS PEOPLE LIKE THIS SO WHY STICK AROUND.. IFYOU GET PUNCHED IN THE HEAD YOU WOULD EXPECT AN APOLOGY Wouldn't YOU WELL That's WHAT YOU SHOULD EXPECT FROPM HER AN APOLOGY AND HER BEGGING TO COME BCK!!

I have a question for you? After 7 months do you honest feel you have made progress towards your own happiness? If so why?

Hey, first of all, thank you to all those who replied for the candor. It gives me a better road map of how to approach this weekend. A lot of how to approach this is tough to wrap my head around at the moment. I can't deny that I'm madly in love with this girl, which doesn't make things any easier, because the emotions are just polluting my brain and common sense. But it's hard to figure out what's what.

Tal - that's a really good question that I hadn't asked myself. Part of the problem in answering it is figuring out what happiness means for me, or for anyone on here. I don't think of happiness as some destination, but a state of mind (definitely ripping someone off there, but I agree with the thought). And when I was with her, she definitely made me feel happy about 90 percent of the time. Really happy. Happier than I'd ever felt, actually, serious exhilaration. She was just a really fun, smart, beautiful, one-of-a-kind person. And she seemed really happy with me, both by what she said and did. And there were some arguments and a couple of times where she said things that should have made me wonder, but it still surprises me that she would do this. Who knows, could be another guy, her problems with her mom and brother, her disease, I guess I'm facing her demons, and not just her. But to answer your question instead of rant - yes, I think I was progressing towards a greater sense of happiness with her (until this happened). And I think that because she didn't demand anything of me or to change in any way. Maybe I couldn't handle that much freedom, which sounds bizarre to say, and pushed for things to be a little closer and pushed her away. She always said she was hyper-sensitive to that kind of stuff, but I lost self-control a few times.

Chuff - thanks for the brutally frank guidance and laying out some really sensible reasons I shouldn't contact her this weekend, no matter how much I will be tempted to if I don't hear from her (and I will be). Anyway, I'll replay your words in my head if the tempation is there. I do need to set some boundaries and focus more on my needs as well, even when in such a vulnerable position. If anything, to strengthen my position in relation to her.

And Mac - wow, I've read your posts right from the beginning and I really trust your voice as someone who's still got a bit of anger over the pattern of how this stuff seems to go down, but who's learned a lot of lessons about what to do differently. To be honest, you make me realize that I should be quite a bit angry about this and how she's treated me. Which helps me to battle through the soft wussy emotions that chuff talked about that seem to keep creeping in on how to handle this. And also make me realize that this isn't necessarily all over as long as I handle it right with no mistakes.

Thanks again guys - you've really helped me a lot through this. I'll let you know how things turn out.

Well, another twist - got a phone call from my dad, who works at the same place as her, that she did get hired back and that he sent her a brief email congratulating her.

So now she's going to know that I know. Not that that necessarily changes any advice I'd get from you guys. Is it still best to wait to hear from her? Or should I send a brief email saying congratulations but nothing about meeting up?

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

Well, another twist - got a phone call from my dad, who works at the same place as her, that she did get hired back and that he sent her a brief email congratulating her.

So now she's going to know that I know. Not that that necessarily changes any advice I'd get from you guys. Is it still best to wait to hear from her? Or should I send a brief email saying congratulations but nothing about meeting up?

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I like you. I really do. You're a good person. But you are incredibly difficult listener.

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

She or her job or her life are not your problem. You do nothing... absolutely nothing. When she contacts you, then you do nothing some more. Nothing. This is exactly why you got dumped. You are so hung up on her that you can't see the bigger picture that she controls you emotionally. Is it going to be tough. Hell yeah it is. We've all been there. There is not twist.

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

Your priority is you. Not her. YOU. I'm going to repeat this...

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

CONTACT HER!........nope, I'm lying DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

DO NOT CONTACT HER!

Clarity, I'm not trying to sound inconciderate but the doctors said she has about a decade to live. I no it's hard to let go but if you get back together what happens in a decade when she passes on. It's going to be just that more difficult later in life. I know if I was still with my ex and she told me this I would be by her side until the end. You have a chance to move on. Then maybe one day be friends.

OK Chuff, that even made me laugh. So should I contact her? No, just kidding.

This is my absolute last question Chuff - I can't figure out how to quote in isolation but you said "When she contacts you, you do nothing some more." So you're saying that I should literally ignore her through this weekend that we're in the same town, even if she leaves messages saying how much she wants to meet up? Because I might not be back for a while, and I can't deny that I would meet. But I totally will follow your advice to the letter NOT to be the one to initiate it. If I don't her, I will let the weekend pass and fly home. My ONLY question is whether you think, considering the circumstances that I'm in town and don't know when I'll be "naturally" back, that I should return her call IF she calls and leaves a message saying "I would really like to meet up and chat etc etc." I'm sorry if I appear to be a bad listener - I really am listening very intently to everything that's being said - just would like to know your advice on that one thing. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

OK Chuff, that even made me laugh. So should I contact her? No, just kidding.

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Good, I hope I finally made my point. I think I repeated it and it wasn't sticking.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

This is my absolute last question Chuff -

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Before I answer I should say ask as many questions as you want. But you have to be prepared for the answers your going to get which may not be the ones you have to hear. I think you actually realize that but you are having a difficult time accepting it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

I can't figure out how to quote in isolation but you said "When she contacts you, you do nothing some more." So you're saying that I should literally ignore her through this weekend that we're in the same town, even if she leaves messages saying how much she wants to meet up?

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I'm saying that if she calls you and your sleeping then when you wake up DO NOT call her back. If she wants you bad enough then she'll call again. She's testing you and she's doing it on purpose without a care in the world for you. She also thinks that you will always be there... so I'm suggesting you don't always be there.

Now if you walking down the street and she calls you can answer the phone. She will ask you something like "Are we still on for that get together this weekend" and your answer should NOT be "of course" or "I've been waiting for you to call."

Your answer should be "Oh I'm glad you called to remind me, I almost forgot." So you are still saying yes but you also letting her know that she is NOT a priority. Then respond with "Where are you taking me?"

Do you see the difference between what you doing, saying, and acting like vs. what I'm suggesting? It gives you some control and lets her know that you are not going to play her emotional games and they are not worth the time to you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

Because I might not be back for a while, and I can't deny that I would meet. But I totally will follow your advice to the letter NOT to be the one to initiate it.

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Meeting is okay in this situation but as I've addressed above make her work for it. Remember she dumped you and you can use all the excuses about not enough time or work or school or distance but at the end of the day she purposely gave up her right to have you be nice to her and be as considerate as you are. If she didn't appreciate all that you brought to her when she had it then maybe, just maybe she does now. If she does though you can't just give yourself back to her with her in control. It will only set up more pain in the future because you will have told her via your actions that you can be taken advantage of and she is allowed to do it. No woman, not even her is worth that. You might not agree with me now but I assure you if the situation was reversed and you were giving me advice you'd see this clear as day. That's the advantage to not having an emotional attachment, the rest of the posters and I can see clearly while you are blinded.

The problem is were all telling you to NOT run in traffic and you still seem to want to do it. We can see clearly and I know it's hard to trust us as opposed to her who you care about, but I promise you as the day is long, mckenzie134, Jiser, Diya, Tal, and myself care a lot more about your mental and emotional well being at this time then she does. We are telling you to pull back and focus on you and try to let her go for a bit. The thing is your never going to get her by always being there available for her. That's just a recipe for failure because she, as a woman, believes that's a sign of weakness. You see it as a sign of consideration... which it is. But I'm a guy and I can think logically like you. She's a woman and she thinks emotionally and you've proven time and again to her that you are emotionally weak by always being around. She doesn't think like you and I do. She thinks emotionally and "how can I use and control his emotions." She does a great job by all these false starts and all that does is start making you think
"Should I call?"
"she called me"
"I know I shouldn't but this time there's something different"
"Well now I will look bad if I don't"
"I want to just be nice and say congradulations"
"Would that be okay?"

She's got you asking all these questions and she's sitting back on easy street controlling your mind and focus and not doing anything other then leaving you a one sentence text message.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clarityseeker

If I don't her, I will let the weekend pass and fly home. My ONLY question is whether you think, considering the circumstances that I'm in town and don't know when I'll be "naturally" back, that I should return her call IF she calls and leaves a message saying "I would really like to meet up and chat etc etc." I'm sorry if I appear to be a bad listener - I really am listening very intently to everything that's being said - just would like to know your advice on that one thing. Thanks.

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Do not contact her at all. If she gets you at a good time, good for her luck, not yours.

I understand that you want to meet her and I understand that you will be back for a few days only. But again that is her problem. If she wants to take advantage of that and spend some time with you then maker her call a few times. If she asked you out and even promised to pay but only calls once or not at all then I think we can safely assume she really didn't want anything to do with it.

From what you write I could see next Tuesday the guilt trip she might put forth when you get a text "Why didn't you call me?" I can already see it happening. She controls everything about this relationship even after it's over. While you see it as being nice she see's it as being weak. So start controlling this situation a little more and also give yourself some credit as being worthy of some respect from her instead of this game she plays.

Chuff has given some great advice here and I definitely understand how you must feel by saying what if she calls and wantsto meet or leaves me a text but I don't reply because I'm ignoring her.. Well just remember in your situation she may call or text if she wants to catch up

BUT THE BIG ONE IS IF SHE REALLY WANTS TO YOU WILL KNOW BECAUSE YOU DO NOT REPLY OR ANSWER FIRST CALL!! Definitely NOT, SHE WILL YES IF KEEN WILL WILL CALL SGAIN FOR SURE!! YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE SHE IS THINKING WHAT YOU ARE IM NOT GOING TO SEE HIM FOR A WHILE!! SHE WILL Definitely TRY AGAIN!!

PUT IT THIS WAY IF YOU DID NOT HAVE OUR ADVICE AND ON THE WEEKEND YOU CALLED HER AND SHE Didn't ANSWER WOULD YOU CALL AGAING?? HELL YEAH You'd CALL ALL BLOODY WEEKEND!! TILL SHE ANSWERED, WELL That's WHAT SHE WILL DO IF SHE REALLY WANTS TO SEE YOU!! PEOPLE can't HELP IT IF THEY WANT SOMETHING THEY WILL KEEP CALLING TEXTING FOR It's the BNEED TO KNOW!!

THE MORE SHE WONDERS SHE WILL HAVE TO TEXT AGAIN SHE WILL NEED TO MEET UP. IM CONFIDENT YOUR GOING TO GET ANOTHER CALL AND DO THIS RIGHT WHEN YOU ANSWER, THE BIT ABOUT SAYING "OF COURSE BEEN WAITING FORYOUR CALL" That's GREAT SHELL BTHINKING I RANG HIM BEFORE HEDIDNT EVEN ANSWER AND NOW HE SAYS WAITING FOR MY CALL!! THATSGREAT GE HER THINKING WHAT IS HE UP TOO!! GET THE CONTROL BACK THIS WOKS GREAT.

Anyway once this is all done if this does work out you will then need to change your approach to this relationship you will need to be less available althogh long distance is probably less!! One big thing is if you tlk on the phone everyday or somehing on line!! Stop this STOP STOP Youmust realise that just becase you ddont se her any contact each day talking is enough for a girl!! You must give her days off this may meen just not answering one day here and there, his sounds like manipulation and probably is but you must remember girls need to miss you and this will push her love for you up!! Just keep busy and well ometmes you can't talk don't be there every time for her!! This is hard to do when your in love but its for the best live your life and let her be part of it but not all of it!!

FOR ON THIS SITE W FIN MOST GUYSWHO GET DUMPED ONE OF THERE FIRST LINES IS BUT IT WAS SO GOOD WE SPENT LIKE EVERYDAY TOGETHER!! GIRLS THINK THEY WANT HIS BUT HELL THEY WANT TIME TO MISS YOU


"THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!! I WILL DIE KNOWING THIS IS THE GREATEST PESENT ANY RELATIONSIP CAN HAVE!! ITS SO TRUE!! AND ALSO A GIRLS FAVOURITEWORD ON OCCASONS is NO!! That's RIGH NO NO NO!! JUST NOW AND THEN YOUR BUSY can't ALWAYSSAY YES!! YOUR DOING WELL I THINKYOU WILL BE CACHING UP THISWEEKEND...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If the relationship could be mended, you would never have broken up in the first place. Two people who love each other equally do not break up, but work together to overcome whatever obstacles are before them. A break up is always when one partner has a change of heart, for whatever reason and wants to change. No contact, and thats whats needed here give you the chance to get over the intense emotions, and see things in a clear and realistic way. We owe it to ourselves to heal ,and get healthy. I am still waiting for some one to get an ex back, and not be confused or break up again over whatever reason. Accept that its over, and move on.

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You could be waiting forever for someone to get an ex back and stay back. Why? Because I'm pretty sure it does happen but we just don't hear about it on a message board like this. Maybe the two people are too busy living happily ever after that they don't have time to come to a message board and tell their success story.

After all the purpose of this board is to help people with their relationship problems. This board is not necessarily a general reflection of how relationships work. So naturally people who have success getting an ex back and keeping them back are not going to have a reason to come to a message board that is purposed for relationship problems when they don't have problems.

Thanks for the further advice - a special thank you to chuff for the amazingly insightful broken-down response. Tried to spread the rep but wouldn't let me.

So this is how the story ends. On Friday, my dad calls me to tell me that she's been hired back and that he sent her a short email saying "Congratulations - it was well-deserved." She replies: "Thanks so much - I appreciate it. Out celebrating (although I am a wimp b/c I have strep throat). PS Say hi to (my mom) for me." I wonder whether I should send a short congratulations email since now she knows I know - thankfully I didn't as later in the story will explain. I fly into Toronto, go to this concert with my sister and a couple of her friends, had a great time, great concert, feeling good, still foolishly hoping that I'll hear from her on Saturday wanting to meet up perhaps. I get outside the concert, turn on my phone, and there's a voice mail from a mutual guy friend of ours, really good guy. He basically says this has been bugging him for over a week, but that he had a conversation with her to discuss his own separate relationship issues, they talk for a while, and then she says to him if you can believe this: "Gotta go - the guy I'm seeing is coming over soon. Don't tell (me)." This was the same night that I got the earlier email from her apologizing for not mailing my stuff back, suggesting we meet for coffee, and telling me she hoped I knew she missed me. I talk to the mutual friend the next day, and he tells me that he left a phone message for her telling her that she needed to tell me about this other guy by this past weekend or he would. He never heard back from her. She didn't try to contact me either the entire weekend. To recap, when we first had the "let's take a break" conversation, she had told me that it wasn't about someone else and actually said during that conversation that she was being HONEST with me because she cared very much for me, and that if she didn't care so much about me, she wouldn't be so HONEST! I have been filled ever since with more anger than I have ever felt. I nearly sent an extremely vicious email to her on Sunday night, but decided that it wasn't worth it and to take the high road instead and simply disengage with her permanently. It is amazing to witness someone who I trusted and respected so much turn out to be nothing more than a deceitful coward. And when I realized that, I started to think back with a head ironically cleared by that anger and remembered all kinds of things that she said and did that should have made me wonder but which I rationalized through a cloud of emotional attachment. I think that whatever innocence I had is now lost about how people can turn out to be so different than they appear. And it feels like such a waste of seven months, because when someone betrays your trust like that you don't know what other lies she was telling. I feel like I can never trust again, but I know in my heart that this instinct is foolish because it assumes that all women are like her. I need to just let the anger pass and work towards my own improvement and being ready to risk my heart again.

I am at least comforted by the knowledge that anyone who reads this story from the beginning to the end can learn some lessons about false hope and feeling desperate for something to last when the signs and the cold reality are staring you in the face. You're just not ready to accept it, because you're scared of leaving something you thought was so good. I made that mistake, please don't make it yourselves. Force yourself to engage your objective mind and look at what is really going on in front of you. When a girl/guy says "I need some space" or "I'm having serious doubts" or anything resembling this attitude - IT... IS... OVER. It is not a matter of if, only when. You may be left dangling for weeks, months, or years, but you will have permanently relinquished emotional control of the relationship to the one who dumped you, and will be left fearful, confused, in doubt, and chasing happiness which you think is just around the corner but will never come. Get away from these emotional manipulators and users and find someone who makes you FEEL BETTER in your own skin. Nothing less should be acceptable - I would even go as far to say in hindsight that once a pattern of your own emotional confusion emerges you should walk away, because it will likely get worse and worse and you will get more and more attached through more and more rationalizations of their behaviour and blaming of your behaviour. Once you start thinking "well, if I just change this and this and this, we'll be happier", you're toast. Important qualifier: this is not to say that you may not have issues that need resolving (jealousy, neediness, whatever), but once they emerge and cause momentum to reverse within the relationship, you need to get out and work on them OUTSIDE the relationship. I learned this the hard way, so please don't make the same mistakes as me. And also - to ease the difficulty of walking away from a relationship because of certain issues YOU have, remember also that there are certain types of women/men who bring out and subtly provoke those negative qualities to maintain emotional control over the relationship, so don't think everything's your fault. Some people need emotional control over the relationship, and so they prey on their partner's weaknesses, often quite subtly, as happened with me. For example, subtle comments made to emasculate, over-flirtiness with other people in front of you, etc. It's not worth the time, there are better women out there for you. People like Chuff, Wildcat, Tal, Mac, Jiser, and others, have helped me immeasurably in not prolonging this, and I am immensely grateful for that. I hope that I can return the favour in the days to come.

Best to all and thanks again.

If anyone has any thoughts on how this ended or how it was handled, I'd be interested to hear them.

I can honestly say I'm not surprised. She was essestienlly leading you on and using you as a back up plan in case it didn't work out with the current guy she's hooking up with. For her it worked out perfectly, you were already at a distance in geograhy so she didn't have to hide you from him at all.

She also knew that you were into her much more then she was into you so she was able to manipulate your emotions and get you to do whatever she wanted, as has been discussed in the past posts.

I've got some good news though. First, if you take the lessons that you learned from this situation and from others on this site you'll be better off in the future. Second, that skank is out of your life and somebody else's problem. I know you still have feelings but she could have been honest and just said, "the distance isn't going to make this relationship work" and it would have hurt but been the truth. Instead she lied, strung you along, kept you as a second fiddle, and used you. So she's a skank.

I think at this point you've done everything right. Answering her with a angery message would probably make you feel better, but in her eyes it's not going to offend her. In fact it's just going to make her happy knowing she still controls your emotions. Remember, at the end of the day, that's her game. She likes to control emotions. So acting out towards her, ironically enough, only makes her happy. That's what I was talking about when I was telling you to take the control back and answer the questions like she was an afterthought.

At this time just drop away from her. Given that your dad works with her and you have some mutual friends, I'd guess that she'll try to contact you at some point. I'd recommend not talking to her, but if you do be the happiest guy on the planet, as she thinks you need her for survial and that would prove you don't. But the best way to show her that you don't need her would be to not talk to her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chuff

I know you still have feelings but she could have been honest and just said, "the distance isn't going to make this relationship work" and it would have hurt but been the truth. Instead she lied, strung you along, kept you as a second fiddle, and used you. So she's a skank.

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Thanks for the thoughts, chuff. That's the thing that ashames me right now - I still can't help wondering "why, why, why" and wasting more mental energy on this. I mean, the fact that she flippantly tells a mutual friend of ours that some other dude is on his way over to get an easy booty call and then tells him not to tell me. The mutual friend calls her and says that she has to tell me herself, and she doesn't respond to him or call me.

And I'm sitting here trying to come up with a theory at how someone could become so evil so suddenly! I'm trying to put myself in her shoes at this very moment - sounds stupid, but just laughing at someone else's joke, singing in the shower, whatever, doing anything cheerful, while knowing how horrible and cowardly she's acted. I just can't imagine how someone can go through their day like this. She still hasn't mailed me my stuff, so perhaps if I get it back I'll get some spinned up note that will only have the effect of making me more angry and, hence, prolonging her emotional control over me. I just wish it was easier to forget someone, especially such a complete disgrace of a person, beyond staying busy. For those who have watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it's like I want that erasure of her from my mind. I wish I'd never met her. At least it's easier to know that it's right to let go when you find this stuff out from a mutual friend - some people aren't so lucky and have to deal with never-ending uncertainty on what's really going on. Anyway, I just don't understand how she could play me so horribly. I hesitate to think that she was simply so cowardly that she told my friend, suspecting he'd tell me, so she wouldn't have to do it.

You will find there are a lot of users and abusers out there, and this will give you a valuable lesson. Don't be so quick to let people so close, and give your heart away.

We need to make a mistake to learn from it, that is life. Without the lessons learned we wouldn't grow into better people. You will probably have learnt so much from this, so take advantage of it. As tal said above, take it slower next time.

Concentrate on the things you want out of life for now, enjoy life, don't let down an oppurinity. One day someone else will come along, maybe you will split but you keep going until one sticks! :)

This is the best advise I have seen yet! Where were you when I had questions?

Wow... all I can say is wow!

I wouldn't have treated an enemy like that! People need to know and understand when you maliciously treat people like that, it comes back on them... you don't need to say another word to her. LIFE will get her back. I feel bad for her.