Wouldn't a coffee place be more comfortable than a car? Maybe that's all it is... try not to read more into it. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.

I would hope a concern of you yelling isn't the reason, because hopefully that wouldn't be an issue regardless of where you are. What would there be to yell about anyway? It wouldn't change her mind.

Whatever comes, do your best to handle the situation in a mature manner. You can express your dissatisfaction, if that is what occurrs, in a reasonable manner.

Remember, right now you can only speculate as to what she may or may not be thinking. Things may go quite well... who knows? Keep your cool, even if you do end up disappointed.

Boy if I could just convince you to quite overthinking and relax, you would handle this whichever way it goes with a dignified, positive, mature attitude. It's about her, and what she thinks so just be glad to see her and eager to listen. No doubt she will set the TONE, and the direction of this conversation, so let her.

I understand the emotional dilemma you face because of your uncertainty and insecurity, but keep a lid on them both. Did I mention it's about HER?

Coffee shop is safer for her... and it will force you to keep your distance. Obviously a car puts you closer and her at a higher risk... real and perceived.

As was mentioned... its all about her... so you have to see where she goes with this. Common theme among younger guys that think the world revolves around them. The more attuned you become with things around you, the more you understand how small your part of the world actually is. Then Humility will temper ego.

Works the same with knowledge... High school grads and college grads come out thinking they know so much and are on par with their elders in what they know... when the reality is all you had was a foundation to build upon. You never stop learning and building your knowledge throughout your life.. unless you chose to vegetate and stagnate

But your issue is more insecurity and lack of experience.

YOU really need to work on the insecurity part.. by understanding it stops being about you the moment a second or third person becomes involved...

As far as experience.. it will come with time. Other people can only tell you so much to avoid huge mistakes... some of it you have to learn the hard way.

Just meet her and listen to what she has to say... and what she decides, because unless she wants to be there... everything is is moot. As I mentioned earlier... at some point in your future, the tables will be turned... and you will be the one trying to decide if you want to be with someone else who is socially awkward or just plain wants to be with you... and YOU aren't going to be sure about it. If you had been in such a position before... this would all make more sense to you.

Just be mature and graceful about whatever happens. If you are childish about it... then trust me.. she WILL tell her friends and word will get around no matter what... You'd rather she tell everyone about how well you handled it. Some things can be very difficult to outgrow.. or outlive when it comes to reputations.

Ok we met yesterday. An unexpected ending. She didn't t say anything about her decision,we talked like 0 mintes abkut her work she told me a lot of things. So in the end I broight it up. Basically I told her that it was me since I lived in the past not fully understanding the changes she is going through. And that I understand that we shouldn t have seen each other daily etc. At the end she told me that she wanted to break up when we met since she was sure that I did not understand her reasons, but now she has no idea what should she do cause she is afraid that I only understand when there is a "shock". So she will go to her hometown this wekend to think about everything since she didn't t have enough time this week because she was very stressed sith her work and university. And we will meet on Sunday when she comes back. So what now?

Interpreted based on what you wrote...

She wants to break up... partially because you don't see things or get them until the slap you in the face... figuratively. And she felt you wouldn't "get it".

And she really needs this to be a clean break because she has enough on her plate without having to look over her shoulder every 5 minutes.

That is because there are a lot of people that will not let things go or let them drop out there, or take no for an answer... not saying you are (she might be concerned you could)... but there are lots of them, and she knows it.

My advice... come to terms with it... if she gets back with you, shake her hand... wish her the best and move on. I am 99.9% sure that's what this will come down to.

I would give her all the space she needed my friend because she obviously needs it. I think you do too, to be perfectly honest, because these are not the communications of HOW to solve your problems that the distance has created, but her uncertainty at where her life is going.

Sorry guy but I think you wrap your head around letting her go, and being grateful for the good times you had for a year. Everything you have written is about her uncertainty, and your trying to hold on to whatever you can get. You really do need to let her figure herself out without you.

The harder you hold on the more space she needs, so make your adjustment one of letting go. The distance is what changed you both, and its an obstacle to both your futures. Bad timing more than a failed relationship, because I doubt she is willing give up her own exploring to pursue what this relationship offers.

I don't see the commitment from her as long as she has other priorities right now. Surely you can see that for yourself, and understand the stress of school, and work on this female. Let her go guy, while you still have those great memories. Stop chasing her all together. You aren't even great friends and haven't been since she left home.

Let go on good terms simply because she doesn't know HOW! Maybe you don't either, but one of you better learn quickly, or this get worse than it has to be.

Hm.. I think I didn't mke myself clear. She wqs born in a smaller coty but know she lives in my city. The university and her job are in my city. And only this weekend she eill go home,which is aprox.250 km away from my town

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

Hm.. I think I didn't mke myself clear. She wqs born in a smaller coty but know she lives in my city. The university and her job are in my city. And only this weekend she eill go home,which is aprox.250 km away from my town

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Personally I don't believe that has anything to do with it. A block away isn't any different than 10,000 km away. Apart is apart if you don't see or communicate with each other. If the feelings change when you are apart, then it wasn't meant to be. And apart isn't just a few days... but weeks or months. If it was meant to be... BOTH people would feel just as strongly after months apart.

Maybe she had a previous relationship with someone that ended ugly... and she is simply assuming the worst as most people would. And its even more true with women since they typically tend to be the victims more often.

There actually are many ways to interpret what her reasons might be. And in the right situations, many of them would be right.

But emotion will cloud judgement every time. And why in the panic you are in now...you would be tempted to grasp at straws to rationalize it the way you want it to be. Happens to everyone that's in the situation. You aren't alone.

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

Hm.. I think I didn't mke myself clear. She wqs born in a smaller coty but know she lives in my city. The university and her job are in my city. And only this weekend she eill go home,which is aprox.250 km away from my town

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Your city?

She's going home to think, so let her go home and think.

To me it sounds like she wanted to break up, which she said, and then she backed out because she felt guilty. So now she's trying to give herself more time to find a way to tell you that she wants to break up. So she's going away, finding time to find a way to tell you she's done with the relationship.

But that's just my take on it.

When she comes back and wants to talk again, let her talk. Let her tell you whatever she feels, even if it means her breaking up with you. Let her break up with you if that's what she wants to do. Don't make her feel guilty about that decision, she has a right to make it!

"I need space to think " means LEAVE ME ALONE!

Talaniman Rule - When they ask for space give it to them!

Like you have a choice. Sorry!

All right. So starting from tonight,it's all over. I could say that I feel better now that I know for sure that it's over but man,it hurts like hell. We agreed that we have some "views over life" that are not the same for me and her,bjt the fact that we broke up in a friendly way is just awfull. Because I will live with the sensation that for sure,after some time,we will make up. And I know it is wrong. Because no one knows. I realise that I should move on,I'll try,but I just can't feel attracted to anyone. I talked with some girls over Facebook but I feel no attraction. So what's the best thing to do?

Give yourself time! Don't try to heal your heart and feelings by seeking out another girl. You've learned some things from this relationship. You've learned that the two of you have some different views, and what is and isn't important to you. That is what dating is for.

At some point, after you have healed and can reflect on why this wasn't the right girl, the whole package, you will be ready to move on to meet someone new and see if they "check more of the boxes".

It does hurt, even when an ending is mutual, but especially when you are holding onto hope that it would all work out. There is no fast way to get over it; it is very individual. While you are working on moving ahead, focus on things that you enjoy. Spend time with your family and/or friends.

It sounds cliche', but it really does get easier, and you will find yourself with someone more suited to you in the future. For now, practice enjoying the present.

Sorry guy, but it's supposed to hurt because you cared, and for the most part, she did too! Don't think it was that easy for her either. Sorry again, but it's going to hurt for a while and that is a big deal, but for now, leave her alone and fight the feelings to contact her. You already probably have a life without her anyway given the distance of the past 3 months so just keep busy and do what you were doing hanging out with friend and family and doing things you enjoy.

Time does heal, but until it does... it's going to suck for a while, off and on. It gets better though, if you leave them alone, no social media stalking, baying at the moon, or any of that nonsense. Keep your dignity and self respect by following a simple rule.

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped DISAPPEAR from their lives, and get a life of your own that you enjoy without them!

You will heal, and be better for the experience. It still sucks for a while though!

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

All right. So starting from tonight,it's all over. I could say that I feel better now that I know for sure that it's over but man,it hurts like hell. We agreed that we have some "views over life" that are not the same for me and her,bjt the fact that we broke up in a friendly way is just awfull. Because I will live with the sensation that for sure,after some time,we will make up. And I know it is wrong. Because no one knows. I realise that I should move on,I'll try,but I just can't feel attracted to anyone. I talked with some girls over Facebook but I feel no attraction. So what's the best thing to do?

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UM... thats trying to rationalize it and cling to what needs to be let go...

As was mentioned.. move on... find other things to do... the last thing you want or need is to be around her for a constant reminder...

Move on with your life without her in it... and you will be surprised how quick the pain fades... but until then you just have to suck it up. If you didn't feel any pain.. you would be a true sociopath. And that's a lot worse than having made foolish mistakes. You will learn from yours and improve... a sociopath won't.

And some times...it just won't work out even without making any mistakes...because thats just how it is. You live, you learn...you make better choices...and in time you will look back and understand how bad this really was....and be glad you moved on.

I know all the tips and tricks on how to get over an ex ( going to the gym, hanging out with the friends, dating someone else). I tried them butdidn't seem to work. I take my mind off when I am doing any of these activities but when I get home, then it gets really nasty. And I know that I should think of all the bad times that happened during the relationship,but for some reason I can only think of the good ones. So any advice?and apparently time didn't help

The alone time does get to you, and some distractions help, but how many times can you clean the closet, or rearrange the music collection? You need a plan for those alone times.

It really boils down to how you handle your own feelings and thoughts my friend, how you structure your own life. You can always just sit and FEEL, but I advise physically moving to something that requires action, and your full attention (FOCUS), WHENEVER she pops in your head. Surely you have things you do during your alone time, BEFORE you got with her.

Go BACK to it, build on it and expand it. Gradually you get in a groove, a routine that you do without thinking. You're finding out that getting over someone isn't an easy habit to break, but time and practice and patience with yourself helps a lot. It doesn't happen in a few days or weeks, or even months, but in how well you apply yourself to the task of rebuilding a life that you enjoy... ALONE... just YOU.

Or you can feel sorry for yourself, cry a lot, and be miserable, until you get sick of it, and decide to do something about it. I preferred to manage my time and activities (Didn't have computers and cellphones back in the day either, or XBox and such) and that's my suggestion to you. So let's start with the question... what did you do with your alone time BEFORE she came along?

GEEEZ guy it hasn't been a month yet, so the wounds are still FRESH! See where you are at after 4 months. That's not enough time to heal after a 13 month failed relationship.

Good luck guy, remember, it's a one day at a time PROCESS, NOT an event.

Time will help, you just need to take more of it. Expect good days and bad; mostly bad for a time, but you will start to notice it does get easier. The feelings won't be as raw.

It hasn't been that long. A breakup is like a death. If you've every lost someone to death, you know it takes time to heal from that, to be able to go on with your life. It doesn't happen in a few days, it can take weeks, months, years.

Let yourself grieve this loss. Don't try to jump back into the dating game right away, you're not ready for that. It would be like losing your father and expecting your mother to find a new husband a week later because she's sad and lonely. It doesn't work that way.

Cry a bit, write down your feelings, it helps. Go out with friends even though you feel down. Being around people does help, a lot. Delete all her info, fb, phone number, etc. so you're not tempted to contact her.

Let yourself grieve, but don't isolate yourself. Above all, give yourself time before you look for someone to fill the hole she left. That's not fair to you, or to the person you find to take her place. The next girl should be in your life because you want her there, not because you miss your ex.

I don't know.. they only went out 1 year and 3 months. Its not like they were married for 60 years. They barely knew each other in that little time.

If you aren't over this pretty quick... like a month or two, three tops, then maybe some counseling is in order

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I don't know.. they only went out 1 year and 3 months. Its not like they were married for 60 years. They barely knew each other in that little time.

If you aren't over this pretty quick... like a month or two, three tops, then maybe some counseling is in order

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I don't agree Smoothy.

Do you not remember being young and in love? We're old married people now, so maybe that's why you think that any relationship that hasn't lasted 60 years, is not worth mourning over, and shouldn't hurt. But it does!

I remember my teens. Thankfully I met my husband when I was 19. That's not the norm though.

But I had a lot of boyfriends in my teens, before I met my husband (married 21 years in May, together 26 years). I wasn't really one to get that serious, not until I met hubby. But, there were boyfriends that I mourned when we broke up. Too many. Even if I was the one that ended it, I missed them. Even if we had only dated for 3 months, or 6 months. I never dated anyone longer than that, it just wasn't me at that time.

But I mourned some of them, others I didn't care less. I remember one boyfriend, that's still a friend today, that I only dated for 2 months. He found someone else, and it was like a knife to my back. It took me a long time to get over him. I was severely depressed, cried all the time. Thankfully my friends forced me to go out, even though going out wasn't fun for me then, and they wouldn't give up on me. Eventually the pain of losing him, hurt a little less, and a little less, and then not at all, but it took a long time to get over him.

You say that it shouldn't hurt because they were only together for a year and 3 months. So when is it allowed to hurt? Is 1 year and 6 months the cutoff? Are you allowed to be hurt then, but not a day sooner? Or is it 5 years, or 10, or 20, or 60? What's the time frame for being allowed to be hurt when someone breaks your heart?

I don't think there is a time frame, so I wouldn't say that it shouldn't hurt because they weren't together for 60 years. It can hurt after only a week. There's no time limit on when you're allowed to feel pain after a break up.