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You totally got an unbiased opinion from a LONG TIME MEMBER so... show some respect here guy 'from folks like yourselves'. You get what you pay for which is nothing. So the truth hurts. Wake up or lose her.Quote:
Originally Posted by HandxStands
have you ever grovelled.
If I'm so naïve, what should I do?Quote:
Originally Posted by tickle
Keep doing what you're doing and see how things workout. That's pretty much how it works in the relationship/dating world. You wing it, and keep working at it until it doesn't work anymore. No guarantees, but plenty of emotional confusion to work through, especially in the beginning when two strangers are feeling each other out through their own emotional inexperience/experiences.
I'd say your progress so far is fairly typical at this stage, and the bottomline is your talking again. You're good to go until the next emotional crisis. Enjoy the calm while it lasts, one day at a time.
You must understand that we only know what you tell us. From that we need to assume quite a bit to understand your situation and give you advice. We've been around the block a few times and you're asking a hive to tell you what to do on VERY little information. To accurately and reliably tell you what is going on and what to do we need histories of you, your parents, her, her parents, your past relationships, and her past relationships. This would be easily 100+ pages of information and I will tell you straight up, no one will do this without compensation. We're doing this as a volunteer and considering some of what we need to deal with here, it becomes REALLY easy to just drop threads.Quote:
Originally Posted by HandxStands
Stow the attitude and try to understand what we're saying. We are actually trying to help.
First off, no important decisions or discussions can take place over text/e-mail/chat. They have to be in person. Second you need to consider her and what she's trying to say, the subtle subtext of her questions and consider her history when you're talking about this. Third you REALLY need to think and contemplate your relationship instead of just riding with it. This last one is true for EVERYONE. You need to make sure that everything is good and that you're not in a dysfunctional relationship and if you are what you can do about it.
We've done all we can do. The rest is up to you. You are going to fail or succeed based on you. Don't **** it up.
She's 21... you've been dating for just 5 months... she is now enjoying an extensive trip in Europe... you said it yourself, she is trying to grasp her own emotions between dating you and doing her own thing. Both have pros and cons for her to consider. It is not surprising that she goes back and forth between what she wants to do or thinks is a good (the right) thing to do. It's very easy to romanticize the whole idea of living together... especially when so young. Easy to be "in love" with being "in love".
As has been said, do nothing right now, enjoy your conversations while she is away, see what progresses once she returns... give yourselves time to sort it all out before you make any big moves. Since your relationship has had quite a bit of emotional stressors in the 5 short months that you have been together (you are still in the stage of figuring each other out), consider giving yourself a time frame to reevaluate the relationship. If all is good at that point, then you might decide to alter your living arrangements... there's no rush.
Yes very good advice, thank you. I am going with the no contact rule for now, I want her to enjoy the rest of her time away and I also need to give myself space.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaLC
No contact is for breakups, so inappropriate for couples apart who just need a bit of space for a while. NC would be carrying things a bit too far for the situation as I see it.
NC without a break up is unnecessary.
While I do agree with that, let me say the last I heard from her, she apologized for getting ahead of herself, she didn't take my feelings into account, she is in love with me and she also asked if we could see how things are when she gets back (this was Tuesday) and I text her the next morning, because I was busy all day with work, telling her I appreciated the apology and told her that sounded good. I never got a response from her. I noticed later that day (Wednesday afternoon) our relationship status from Facebook was removed, she didn't put single or anything, it just wasn't on display. So, I thought that was kind of strange. Not trying to read too much into it but that seems like a sign of a breakup, what do you think?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Like you said, for now don't read too much into it. You already know how quick and impulsive she is, so just step back, and see what happens next. I think you have seen enough to be cautious, and expect the unexpected with a lot of mood swings and (UGH) dramatic flares.
Just never assume that her actions are about you, because it doesn't/shouldn't matter should it? All that matters is what YOU DO ABOUT IT! I mean if you need the type of relationship that needs instant return texts or Facebook certainty, it's obvious you won't get it from her, and it may not be wise to even expect this young impulsive female to follow your program after a few months. Most of it from a distance.
I wouldn't assume this was a break up, since you didn't ask about your status when she apologized, and it's likely because you didn't ask she is assuming herself. Clearly a failure to properly communicate on both sides. The easiest thing to do is let her enjoy herself, and you get on with your own thing, and see what happens later.
I understand your feelings but you have no facts, and if you are not prepared to end things on your side and walk away, and not look back, don't consider NC. Just wait until you talk. No direct communications is at the heart of your drama, always has been by your previous question, added that LDR's are the hardest to maintain, especially in the beginning, then you certainly have your work cut out for you.
Comes down to what you want to do?
No clue why you two would ever consider moving in together. You don't know each other. You don't communicate well. You both sound very immature. These will all lead to a disastrous end.
I think you're absolutely right and that is exactly what I am doing stepping back and taking things easy. I am kind of seeing if she contacts me first. To be honest, I am not prepared to end things, could be a mistake, but it could work out, time will tell. And I am sure when she gets back her and I will have a talk and take it from there.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
So just a quick update, she has now been back from vacation for 2 days and I sent her a text the day before she traveled back home to say hello and wished her a safe flight back and hope that she is doing well. I didn't mention anything about missing her or we should talk when she gets back, I kept it general. I never got a response and haven't heard from her since we last spoke about a week and half ago when I first posted my question.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
To be honest, my frustration is building because I still feel like things are in limbo. The biggest thing that is bothering me is the fact that I do not have answers and I am trying my best to not jump to conclusions. The only logical thing I can think of is that she is pushing me away because she is stressed and is almost trying to pretend that this doesn't exist right now, any thoughts?
She has been back for two days, not responded to your text, and you think things are in limbo? You two live in limbo-land. I can’t decide if you two should stay 100,000 miles away from each other or if you two were meant to be together. All the games you two play makes me think you two are just too immature for a meaningful relationship. Honestly this relationship sounds like middle school. Until you two learn to put each other first and stop with all the crap, this “relationship” will continue to be doomed. I am not in this with you guys but it doesn’t fail to exhaust me.
Sorry – the above might be a little blunt.
I would walk away and don't look back.
I am honestly not trying play any games with her, and I want to work on the relationship. I am simply giving her space to sort her feelings out. What else should I be doing? She I call her and ask if we can talk? And I do have to agree with you, I feel like I am a child in a middle school relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
I get that you are not trying to play games. It may be just bad chemistry or maybe she is just too immature or she doesn't like you well enough. It could be that you are smothering to be with and you may not recognize that. I wouldn't be with someone that smothered me and I am thankful that my partner doesn't. But you seem to have smothering tendencies from what you have written.
You have to ask yourself why you would want her and the drama back at this point. I can't answer that, you have to. People show patterns of behaviors and you have seen hers for a while now. It's possible this relationship has run its course and is just done.
From our last conversation, she did say that she felt it was overbearing that I had this expectation we needed to hang out as soon as she got back from her vacation and that was my fault, I guess. Being away from eachother for 6 weeks is tough. The one positive thing I was focusing on was the fact that is moving back into town for school in less than a month, so that's why I figured things may improve cause when she was here before the summer, her wishy washy behavior was never a problem.Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
Well yeah you can say that but this relationship needs more than just location help for it to be fixed. It is possible you two don’t want the same thing.
Overbearing pushes people away. You have to trust the person and trusting means you don’t expect texts every second they are away from you, you don’t ask them to tell you every single detail when they come back to you, and you allow them to have fun with other people that aren’t you. When I got together with my partner we allowed each other to keep our own friends and activities without the expectation that either one of us would give any of those things up. It makes the relationship healthy. It makes the relationship last. You need to learn that. If you want someone to be around you 24 hours a day it’s just not healthy. I couldn’t stand to be around someone all the time.
I could not agree more with you! I actually encouraged her to hang with her friends and do her own thing. I even remember a conversation we had where I told her I think having your own time to yourself to do whatever (hang with friends, hobbies, etc.) in a relationship is crucial and she agreed. I was always just fine with her not getting back to me right away, I was busy doing my thing anyway.Quote:
Originally Posted by Oliver2011
I really think the talk of moving in together freaked her out and reality may have set in. And I will tell you, I want a relationship and unfortunately she is battling her thoughts of doing her own thing and being with me. She has told me earlier in the summer that the reason she felt mixed up is because she thinks I am a really good guy and she thought it would be stupid to give that up. So, I stayed patient and understanding the entire summer and when she left for vacation she said she appreciated me being understanding A LOT. That is when things were really good with us, then this happened. The last thing she said to me was that she is sorry she got ahead of herself and sorry for the way she acted and she thought it was super sweet that I was waiting for her to get home. And like I said, she wanted to see how things go when she gets home, so that is why I said I feel like I am in limbo. I may give it a little more time then move on.
And by the way what you and your partner have sounds fantastic, it is really what I want.
"And by the way what you and your partner have sounds fantastic, it is really what I want."
Haha we are but be careful what you wish for.
Give it time. She may come around. If the pain outweighs the good points, walk away.
Good luck.
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