Ask Me Help Desk - Sleeping with someone else while on break?

My child's father and I were together for several years, upon us splitting up, I waited roughly six months to begin dating again and when I met my current partner, we took things exceptionally slow. We didn't have sex for close to a year of us being together, likewise they didn't meet my child until we had been together roughly a year. I took a great deal of time just getting to know my partner and evaluating my own feelings and motives. I didn't want to dive into anything quickly nor did I wish to have a fling that wouldn't last. Our relationship, this aside, is good and has been really healthy. In the beginning, we took break that had nothing to do with issues within our relationship, but rather me needing some time and space to sort myself out. The difficult thing with this site is, people make judgements based off only bits and pieces of someone's life and then begin to draw much bigger conclusions. For some, that may be entirely accurate, but for me (at least in this situation), I think people are drawing inaccurate conclusions. It may be that I'm just feeling overly insecure and looking for things that heighten that insecurity so that I can rationalize how I feel, I'm not sure.

I wasn't judging at all. If you look back through your posts, titles only, you will see the roller coaster ride you have been on. It also doesn't help with the gender neutral pronouns, because I thought you and your ex's were seeing a whole team of people. Sometimes we are right on here, and sometimes we are wrong. And that's okay since we are only trying to help.

And what about the fish?

Quote:

Originally Posted by daniigurl

The difficult thing with this site is, people make judgements based off only bits and pieces of someone's life and then begin to draw much bigger conclusions. For some, that may be entirely accurate, but for me (at least in this situation), I think people are drawing inaccurate conclusions. It may be that I'm just feeling overly insecure and looking for things that heighten that insecurity so that I can rationalize how I feel, I'm not sure.

If you only give us a few of the pieces, we are left trying to figure out what the picture is to give you accurate advice. Try putting together a jigsaw puzzle when you have 4 out of 15 pieces.

Now, I will say again, if this is affecting how you view your partner and relationship, then seek a neutral person (not a friend) to help you work through your feelings before you allow them to negatively affect your relationship.

Conclusions have to be drawn, it is done with or without all of the information. That choice is yours. If you speak in riddles, (like all the gender neutral talk, and the they, and them) one has to assume either an open dating or more often a same sex relationship where one person does not want to admit it publicly. The better information given, the better context can be received

Stop rationalizing and accept your feelings because all it means is you are looking deeper at the partner you have been dating. That's normal in any human interaction EXPERIMENT. Maybe it's good to be cautious at this point in the relationship, because you are getting more info and insights into their character and behavior, and they are learning more about YOU.

These are YOUR feelings based on YOUR point of view, and sometimes they are accurate and sometimes not so much. No matter what life throws at you you must cope with it and make adjustments and that often takes time so be patient with yourself as you work through your own thought process.

Take heart that you are thoughtful and not so prone to impulsive emotional actions but the bottom line is always be honest with yourself so you can acknowledge and deal with your hurt or whatever. If you had told your partner you were going fishing for a week (Or two) instead of breaking the exclusive dating commitment for "lets just be friends" I doubt we would even be having this hurt feelings conversation. It's important YOU recognize the part you played in this whole drama. I mean if you tell someone you will stop feeding them then how can you even be hurt when and if they find a meal elsewhere?

You dumped her, and put her in limbo with no timetable or boundary. YOU needed time to contemplate the next step, and chose to use a lets just be friends break! So lets be clear, she had to survive her reality no matter what you think she did, but you tore down the barn door and kicked the horse out. So it's more likely than NOT that you are hurt by YOUR actions as well as what you THINK hers was. You wouldn't be the first one to try and put it ALL on their partner, but that not very fair of you.

Nor is it fair that she account and confess and give you a blow by blow account of her action after you dumped her to rationalize YOUR hurt feelings. Fact is she came running back to YOU after being dumped for 4 freakin' days, no matter what she did (And you took her back). To not rationalize the whole context of this event is patently unfair and a shame to be stuck on it.

Let it go until your emotional dust has settled for now any way, as I think you are over rationalizing your own feelings in an unhealthy way, and that doesn't seem fair to you, or your partner. Celebrate the patch up and see what happens next and don't wimp out because of your insecurity from assuming and presuming. That's high drama and unnecessary. Be cool and more may be revealed later. At least act like you know that you unintentionally hurt a partner. It was unintentional wasn't it (Or a TEST? )?

If you cannot apologize and move forward, and give them time and space to do the same, I fail to see the whole point. Sorry, I am not down with this PC gender neutral lingo all due respect.