Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend Lied about her Virginity

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Originally Posted by BirdieEagle

Hey, sorry I was gone for a day everyone. I didn't expect this to become so heated. First of all, if I appear as whiny here, I was ranting, and it was the heat of the moment. So I apologize for sounding like a douche. Secondly, what she and my friend did was completely up to her. I asked her to promise me because I knew she didn't want to have sex with someone outside of a relationship, and I was trying to reinforce her idea that she didn't need to do it. But the fact is it happened, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I just have to accept it and get over it. But thirdly, the problem is the fact that she lied to me. Not once, but consistently. It's hard at the moment to realize that what was special to me wasn't the same to her, but the reason I'm having such a hard time getting over this is the realization that my girlfriend would even have the soul to continually lie like that. We have a very open, honest relationship outside of this one dark secret, so it's kind of a blow to learn that we haven't been on the same page for the last year. She did cry. She feels terrible and guilt-stricken, but I have to believe she's crying because of the consequences this entails, and not the fact that she lied. Otherwise, there was no reason to keep the secret. Results I got from you guys seemed to be personal blows at my emotions to the situation, and not the situation itself.

Emotions are personal and what you make of them. You have a right to be upset that she lied. You do not have a right to punish her because you set up the conditions for the lie. You were her friend. You should not have encouraged her to make a promise like that. You should have said that you would be there for her as friend whatever decision she made.

You admit that it took you months to get over what you thought/knew they had done. If she had told you about her experience with her ex, would you have started dating her?

Why wouldn't the experience be as special to her as it was for you? It may not have been her 'first time' but it was her first time with you. That in itself makes it extremely special.

I have said this before and will probably say it again, my husband had a lot more experience sexually than I did when we met. However, it didn't matter to me because everything we have done together was a first time for us. Every time is a first time because that moment didn't exist before and won't again. It makes 30 years of being together extremely special.

No matter how many partners you have there is always a time of learning what the person you are currently with likes and dislikes. How they respond to a touch. The sounds and movements they make. That the two of you melded so well the first time speaks more to the chemistry between you than it does to any experience you both had before you got together.

She lied for whatever reasons. It doesn't really matter if you can't allow yourself to let it go and work with her to get past this. If you cannot allow the trust to rebuild or you see yourself using this mistake as ammunition in future disagreements, then let her go.

Either accept the apology and move forward together or hold tight to your upset and anger and let her go.

Cat, best post on this thread, wish I could rep you twice. You hit the nail on the head!

We're working it out. Thank you

I stand by what I originally said.

You sound very controlling. If you are this controlling in such a new relationship, the relationship is very doomed.

I believe she lied because she knew what your reaction was going to be. I can see you asking her 8 times a day if she was a virgin.

I also think you are the same person who continually asks this question on here, but that is just a guess.

Glad you are working it out, but she really should have told you to mind your own business, and never should have promised you she wouldn't have sex with the guy. That was just dumb, and most females would have told you to get over yourself, or get to stepping.

So the real problem I see is her lying in self defense at your very obvious inserting yourself in her business. Sorry if the truth hurts, but she obviously didn't think you could handle the truth, or would judge her badly. And you did.

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They started a physical, no strings attached thing.

What did you honestly think that meant?

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She had respected her virginity for 20 years so I didn't want her to lose it to a casual fling.

None of your business about what SHE does with HER virginity,or who she gives it too.

According to you, an official relationship and sex is okay, but they did have a relationship, if only a physical one.

You need to get over yourself, but I don't think you can do it. She deserves better than what you can provide. Rough Road ahead for her. You say "we are working on it", it should never have happened in the first place.

Your five year plan! You are still in school. You will have a baby to support that is a day one and forever plan you jerk ! How are you going to help her through the delivery stage, the diaper stage and the post partum stage !

Get over yourself, get a job, And get ready to step up to being a MAN

"((((( But I’m still young and in school, and I don’t see how our relationship can ever be the same again. If I decided to end it, she’d be heartbroken and we’d both eventually move on but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lose her. I just don’t want to deal with the implications this will have on us, and I don’t know how I can ever respect her the same way again"))))))

Boy and I repeat "Boy" you need to let her go. She will meet someone and look back on the day you dumped her and say "what a great day that was". You are so deep into yourself, I don't see how you can possibly change.

He will continue to argue his point not listening to anyone. It's the same person who asks this question over and over and over again.

I created this account for one post and now I'm going to delete it. There is a reason people pay for therapy for their problems instead of asking anonymous users on the internet. FYI, users like ScottGem, Cat and Alty have really opened my eyes as to what happened, why it happened, and what I can do to forgiver her. I want to personally thank the three of you, for having huge parts in saving our relationship. Otherwise, this was a huge waste of time.

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Originally Posted by BirdieEagle

I created this account for one post and now I'm going to delete it. There is a reason people pay for therapy for their problems instead of asking anonymous users on the internet. FYI, users like ScottGem, Cat and Alty have really opened my eyes as to what happened, why it happened, and what I can do to forgiver her. I want to personally thank the three of you, for having huge parts in saving our relationship. Otherwise, this was a huge waste of time.

I am glad that we could give you some help. I hope things work out for the best for both of you.

By the way, accounts and questions are not deleted. It is in the terms of service.

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Originally Posted by BirdieEagle

And what I can do to forgiver her.

Forgive her for what? I've read this entire thread and I see nothing for you to forgive her for. Rather, I see plenty of reasons for HER to forgive YOU.

You are the one who is overbearing and controlling. What she did before the two of you were exclusive is none of your business and is nothing to forgive her for. I understand that she lied to you and, under these circumstances, 90% of women would.

It's really time to get over yourself.

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Originally Posted by BirdieEagle

I want to personally thank the three of you, for having huge parts in saving our relationship. Otherwise, this was a huge waste of time.

I am gratified that you found advice you were able to use here. But I think you owe ALL who responded an apology. I've browsed through this thread and all the responses were reasonable based on what you posted. I suspect what you found a waste of time, were responses that directly criticized you. But I found every response to have some value, even if it only served to make you think.

Your question, does she deserve another chance, to my mind is moot.
You don't deserve her.
There's something so rigid about you that if you do 'give her another chance' (double triple quadruple ugh), you will punish her forever for being undeserving. So do her a HUGE favor, and end this now.

Oh, and show her this post so she can see how many people are on her side. A test to see if you actually care about her.

[Later: I somehow missed the whole second page of responses, and I see that you really don't want to hear more. I just want to say that you can't delete your posting.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdieEagle

I created this account for one post and now I'm going to delete it. There is a reason people pay for therapy for their problems instead of asking anonymous users on the internet. FYI, users like ScottGem, Cat and Alty have really opened my eyes as to what happened, why it happened, and what I can do to forgiver her. I want to personally thank the three of you, for having huge parts in saving our relationship. Otherwise, this was a huge waste of time.

You still don't get it, do you? You are all heart, you are going to forgive her. You must think like you are her father, and you are going to forgive your daughter for not cleaning her room. You are right, these people wasted a lot of time trying to get it thru your head that you are wrong. Show these posts to your girl friend and you may get your walking papers. I now understand why you want to delete it, you can't

By all means please seek therapy and let this girl go so she can find someone who appreciates all that's good about her instead of someone who judges her on her past.Forgiveness? Oy vey.

Oh give the guy a break. He can't help the way he was raised, and taught, and may need some time to process through his culture shock.

Not I (female), talaniman (male). He doesn't love her. She's just wrecking his 5 year plan!

I agree with Joy which is normal for me. Based on everything he wrote it has little to do with her and seems to be all about him. And Craven said it best. All you need to know is their disease status.

I'm a bit surprised that the OP is thanking me for my advice.

To the OP (original poster), there's nothing to forgive when it comes to her past. It was before you two were a couple, therefore it's none of your business, and there's nothing for you to forgive.

The way you're acting about all of this is what requires forgiveness, from her! You should be on your knees begging her forgiveness for the way you acted when she told you the truth.

You have nothing to forgive, because she didn't cheat on you, she didn't do anything to you. She lied because she had no choice, she knew you'd never accept the truth, and she was right!

Ask for her forgiveness, and if you're lucky enough to have her forgive you, you better appreciate this girl, because she's a keeper.