Time for you to realize that at your age 95% of the girls you will date have a sexual history. So if you allow this to cripple you to the point where you ruin the relationship, well then you might as well become a monk.

Instead of inappropriately dwelling on her past try to be unselfish and concentrate on her qualities that has helped the relationship last 16 months. Otherwise let her get on with her life. She doesn't deserve being judged for being a normal female.

I said this to you before. Each sexual partner you have is going to be different for you. The two best lovers in the world could meet, not click, and have a horrible sexual experience. Two average vanilla people could click just right and have fire works go off.

This problem comes on the female time as well, that they're not as competent as the man's previous lovers. This isn't unique to you, a particular sex, or sex as a whole. Athletes get performance anxiety, so do musicians, artists, programmers, or pretty much everyone. I think in one form or another everyone grapples with this problem. When it happens during sex it is much worse because it hits an inner part of your being that you can't really ask advice about easily.

This is all fine and good, but how can you figure this out and be a better person for it? I fence in the traditional Destreza and I have had my fair share of teachers for it. There was a particular one that got my attention with his advice, "Give yourself permission to suck." When you do that you abandon your embarrassment and just work on getting better. Sure you suck today, and you will suck less tomorrow, and in a year you'll suck significantly less then you do today.
1). Give yourself permission to suck.
2). QUIT ignoring what she is telling you. Listen to what she says. Especially when she's talking about your performance. She's not just blowing smoke.
3). Realize that the encounter doesn't end when your orgasm, or when she does. It can go on, and she can still have a heck of a time once you orgasm.
4). Sex doesn't need to end WITH an orgasm. That one blows your mind a little? Sex is all about intimacy and making a connection. It can just be cuddling and some heavy petting.
5). When you start getting into your anxiety mode concentrate on something different. Don't let it consume you at that moment. Might be the time to switch positions, or switch things up.

Good luck.

Still have not learned how to deal with your own thoughts, and feelings yet huh? That has to be frustrating for you, and her.

You are letting the past keep you stuck. That has to be even more frustrating.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cubcadet12

The most recent experience was a few days ago. We ate dinner, and sat around with the dog for a few hours. It was then time to go to the gym. When I was about to get up to go, she stopped and said, "I don't want to go to the gym, can we just have sex instead?" I know this is almost what every man wants to hear, but I didn't want to hear it. I reluctantly said yes. I tried to move her from our normal couch sex position, but she wasn't having it. At this point I'm stressed and the anxiety is starting to come in...

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Frankly, what you are describing sounds like her using you as a means to get off. If that is how your sex life is going these days it is no wonder you are having issues. Does she normally treat you like a masturbatory aid?

What other people want to hear doesn't matter. What do you want to hear? How do you want sexual/intimate relations to go? Have you tried telling her what you are in the mood for?

Flip side of the coin, have you been using the gym or other activities to hide from intimate moments or sexual activity? If you have been, why? Doubts about yourself or has the act become too scripted? Perhaps talking about trying new or different things might help you feel more in control and less like a toy.

Start putting your self-doubts aside by being honest if you aren't in the mood or if you want to try a different/place position.

Sit down with her when sex and/or intimacy isn't expected and talk to each about likes, dislikes, needs, wants, etc. Try to work together instead of closing yourself off with very negative thoughts. Damaging yourself, mentally and/or emotionally, ends up doing damage to her and the relationship.

The chain from her ex would get me pissed too
A discussion between the two is what you need to do
When she wants you to poke, say you need to talk
Let her know it is serious if she doesn't want you to walk

Be sweet and be respectful but have it your way
This isn't burger king but you're the man today
These issues are mostly in your head
Handle these quickly or your relationship is dead

Titanic may have sunk by the iceberg's tip
But you don't want your relation to be that ship
sex is used to build joy, love and pleasure
free your pain and enjoy your treasure

You will be fine. Yes, you will be fine!
I hope you are reading this line by line
The past should not be brought up at all
It was my first rule with my girl on a call

I wish you luck and leave it all behind.
Have a talk and happiness you shall find.