Ask Me Help Desk - Helping my boyfriend's low self esteem

I showed him the card as soon as I found it. I left it on the counter. When he asked me about it I told him it looked really important and I didn't want him to lose it. He knows that I know I just wanted to see what he had picked for me.

See, here's a problem,, YOU might consider it resolved and past... but you aren't the only one involved. Its not over until you both consider it over.

If he is thinking about it or stewing over it... even if he doesn't say anything to you, then its not over... If it was me... I'd still be stewing over it. He might be.

On the tail of what you did... I don't think he's going to be receptive to any ego stroking just yet.

Totally hypothetical situation again... he is tcked off over something... he lashes out in a tirade about saggy butt, floppy boobs, celulite... love handles.(even if you could pass as a supermodel)... then a couple hours later he tries to be nice and wants to have sex with you, proclaiming its over and he's past it.. I'm guessing you really wouldn't be in the mood to be touched right about then regardless if he proclaims its over and he's past it. Nor should you be.

Several rules about relationships that are not negotiable.

You are equals... one isn't subserviant to the others demands.

You have to respect each other... including their personal space. Everyone needs their personal space.

You can't build a healthy relationship much less a life together without respecting both of those.

Krissy - I read back through all of your posts (you've been here a long time!) Is this the boyfriend who was dealing with PTSD? If yes, how is that being handled? Is he going to counseling? It's not unusual for PTSD sufferers to have issues with self esteem...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

But his email is.

I am going to say that you need to be honest with yourself. You snooped because you thought he had something to hide. You hoped he was hiding an engagement ring or another pleasant surprise. You didn't trust him 'wholeheartedly' or you would have waited or asked him about the card. You broke his trust by going into his email and reading his mail because you couldn't wait or be open with him about what you found. You crossed a major line and it may have paid off in the past, but it has damaged the current relationship.

Partners should support each other. Part of that support is showing trust.

You both need to work on building it back up. You need to slow down and communicate with him instead of running off and looking for evidence of anything-rings or infidelity or whatever. He needs to look for proactive and positive ways to feel good about himself. Missed connections and Craig's List are not. Going to the gym, working out, taking classes in subjects that interest him, getting a 'make-over', etc. are better ways to increase the positive feelings he has inside.

You both need to work on self-esteem so that you don't jump to the conclusion that you are lacking in some way and so he doesn't feel the need to look for boosts from other people.

As has been said, you can encourage him to feel better about himself, but you cannot make him feel something he doesn't.

One issue that long term relationships run into is getting stuck in a rut. You start taking each other for granted. You let the little shows of affection and attraction slide to the side. Love needs to be fed with words and actions. Love and trust can go a long way toward making a person feel good when they are low.

Give him a hug and then do something together that makes both of you feel good.

I appreciate your effort to be the first to actually address my concern. I do try to get him involved in things to improve his self worth. He is a disabled veteran who had hoped to make a career out of his position in the army as combat infantry, but he was injured and made a cook. He left the army a year before we got together. He know works for a utilities company installing sewer and waterline. He's very good at what he does and he works really hard to take care of us, but he tears himself down and feels worthless because he used to think he was doing something worthwhile and now he doesn't. The VA throws antidepressents and other drugs at him, the most recent of which causes GI upset and he's lost twenty pounds on it so he feels even less attractive.I try to get him to go to the doctor about it but he won't. I agree that he would feel better if he did something to better himself, I have tried to encourage him to do ALL of those things-go to the gym with me, take some night classes... he has to go to therapy at the VA and I frequently accompany him to these so that we can learn to cope with his PTSD and other relationship aspects together. I try to encourage him to get involved with a group of his peers for further support but he won't. I don't know how much to push without being overbearing and I know that ultimately he has to want to do it for himself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

See, here's a problem,, YOU might consider it resolved and past... but you aren't the only one involved. Its not over until you both consider it over.

If he is thinking about it or stewing over it... even if he doesn't say anything to you, then its not over... If it was me... I'd still be stewing over it. He might be.

On the tail of what you did... I don't think he's going to be receptive to any ego stroking just yet.

Totally hypothetical situation again... he is tcked off over something... he lashes out in a tirade about saggy butt, floppy boobs, celulite... love handles.(even if you could pass as a supermodel)... then a couple hours later he tries to be nice and wants to have sex with you, proclaiming its over and he's past it.. I'm guessing you really wouldn't be in the mood to be touched right about then regardless if he proclaims its over and he's past it. Nor should you be.

Several rules about relationships that are not negotiable.

You are equals... one isn't subserviant to the others demands.

You have to respect each other... including their personal space. Everyone needs their personal space.

You can't build a healthy relationship much less a life together without respecting both of those.

He is more eager to get past it than I am. Since the ending that conversation, we have been fine and the "ego stroking" is a habit of my daily life, not just when I'm "trying to compensate" or whatever you think it is. Like I said, I try to make an effort to make him feel loves every day, regardless of the circumstance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aliseaodo

Krissy - I read back through all of your posts (you've been here a long time!) Is this the boyfriend who was dealing with PTSD? If yes, how is that being handled? Is he going to counseling? It's not unusual for PTSD sufferers to have issues with self esteem...

Yep, that's the one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by krissyg2991

He is more eager to get past it than I am. Since the ending that conversation, we have been fine and the "ego stroking" is a habit of my daily life, not just when I'm "trying to compensate" or whatever you think it is. Like I said, I try to make an effort to make him feel loves every day, regardless of the circumstance.

I hope that's true... I know as a guy... we aren't vocal about everything that bothers us... we tend to only bring up the most important issues... so because we say nothing doesn't mean we aren't thinking about it... but conversely... maybe he did put it behind him. We can only guess. Only he knows for sure if he has or not. You have to use your best judgement knowing him and how he reacts and hope its right.