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Yes. Porn is just another form of entertainment. Some people (males and females) watch it like they would any movie. Like watching a comedy for laughs or action movie for an Adrenalin rush, they are looking for certain stimulation but not necessarily relief. Some people enjoy the feeling of arousal or are looking to get ideas for things to try with their partner or for later fantasies. Sometimes it is viewed for curiosity.Quote:
Originally Posted by Countrygirl1011
Everybody has a motive or preference for their actions, but what's important here is you don't know his, and are unable to find out and work together to identify a solution. I respectfully submit that as long as your resentment and frustration is focused on the porn you may not be working on the communication, which may be harder than you think. The porn is the easy way out. Communicating is a process that's harder, and longer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Countrygirl1011
NO communications, NO relationship. NO solutions to the conflict and resolution of hurt feelings that can benefit you both. You seem willing, but he doesn't. Looks like its on you to bridge the gap by expressing your own unwillingness to be kept at a distance of your partners brain. Maybe he cannot express himself, then you have to teach him.
In the absence of communication between you, its you that have to make a decision as to how to bridge the gap. Maybe its just learning each others language, I don't know, only you can properly address that. I see a profound lack of communications at the heart of your current conflict, and you are distracted by a symptom (porn). Indeed neither of you can talk about it, despite YOUR willingness too.
I had a decent conversation with my boyfriend about his watching porn. He told me he has been watching a lot of porn and I asked him why? He really didn't have an answer for me but told me that he just does it "just because"... he told me he has been stress the last couple of weeks and by watching porn, it helps him "whinned down" and that he doesn't always masturbate. I also wonder about the month prior to him not being stress out. I am more concerned that his watching all this porn has really affected our sex life. Not saying that my prior attitude on life and my self hasn't been a factor either but I have vastly improved my way of life and he still isn't contributing for "us" to become a better couple. He has been watching it once to twice a day when I am not around. I even suggested that I would love to watch with him. I understand that is a new avenue to take maybe getting use to but I want to be included. I feel totally ingnored. I really told him my point of view about how this is affecting me and when I want to be close to him he just shuts me out and I feel like I have to practicaly beg him to have sex with me. I believe he did understand where I am coming from. I am not apposed to watching porn at all but I want him to talk to me about it, include me, I want us to be a couple not just roomates. I also want myself to be OK with him watching this much porn, but it concerns me that him watching this much porn is not healthy and will continue to be a strain on our relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I would like to also add that I did tell him its his turn to help our relationship out. I told him I have been communicating much better and being more proactive with bettering my self and this relationship but its still a one sided street that I am still waiting for him to participate. I said that if he can't talk to me about his stresses, desires, etc. in life then we are just right back to where we started when we started to have problems. He said he is going to do better and include me and communicate with me better. I really want that.
My next question would be how can I help him open up to me? Be comfortable around me sexually and mentally. I don't want to push him away. I want to give him space but yet I want him to show me that he's trying to be apart of this relationship. I really care for him, otherwise I probably woulnt be asking strangers for advice.
I don't have a problem with porn although I don't get watching it daily, you see one, you've seen them all in my opinion, but when the watching of it interferes with sex with your partner, there is a problem. Sex once a month in a two year relationship would be a problem for me. I know people in long marriages that have it more often than that.
If there is a problem and only one of you wants to deal with it, what is the point in driving yourself crazy.
You have talked to him about how you feel, it is now up to him to respond and act or do nothing. I would not beg him. How old is this guy?
You are the queen of the house, and if you aren't happy how can he be?
Watching porn and lying about it is cheating. A person in a relationships naturally wants love, intimacy, compassion, communication, compromise, and above all, trust. In order for a romantic relationship to work, both partners need to freely offer these to each other. Furthermore, people who feel they are not desired sexually or emotionally by their significant are not reaping the benefits of togetherness. Self esteem is important, but it is important to build a partner up, not bring them down. Blaming a person for not dressing sexy or being pretty enough is just plain mean. You don't deserve that. You're doing the right things by not nagging and working out. You're probably starting to feel better about yourself already. This will give you the strength to move on, should you choose to. And don't feel bad about snooping. If your instincts tell you he's cheating, he probably is. Establishing a sex life without you, lusting after other women, and cutting you down gives you every reason to be suspicious of is behavior. For your physical and mental well-being, you have a right to know everything about your partner's sex life during your relationship. If he won't tell you you should find out on your own. Again, looking at porn and cruising craigslist behind your back is cheating. If you really want to make it work with him, both of you need to go to counseling. He has all the symptoms of a sex addict and it will not get better without professional help. If he refuses to get counseling, he is essentially telling you that he is uninterested in investing in your relationship. You deserve better and if that's the case you should ditch him. You also need counseling to help you through this very difficult time. A support group would help as well. Infidelity, betrayal, and deciding whether to end a relationship are major life issues and can cause post traumatic stress disorder that can plague you for life if left untreated. A women's crisis center may be able to help if you can't afford a counselor. As for jerks on this thread that call you a whiner, nagger, and insecure, and that you are wrong to investigate his clandestine sexual activities, ignore them. You have a right to your feelings and a right to know the truth. I suspect nearly everyone likes to look at naked people and would jive on having bar-none sex like bunnies. But most of us hold ourselves to higher standards. We contain our urges, respect and are compassionate towards our partners, value others for more than their body parts, care about those working in a violent and degrading industry, have personal dignity, and treat others as we want to be treated ourselves. I do agree with the nay-Sayers in that your fella has a right to masturbate and look at porn if he so chooses. I believe in free speech as set forth in the First Amendment of our Constitution. People do have to pay the consequences for their actions, however. Sex addiction is real and the affects are devastating to the user as well as their partner and families. The inability to get or keep an erection without the super-stimulus of porn, decreased penial sensitivity, the want/need for increasingly stimulating sexual activity (e.g. more violent or even illegal porn; strip clubs; prostitution; hook-ups, etc.), increased social isolation and emotional callousness, loss of concentration and communication skills, potential job loss and financial ruin, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases and, above all, LOSING YOU are pretty high prices to pay for boinking a machine.
Wow... sounds like YOU are in dire need of therapy... I'm guessing you are alone right now... or in a VERY unhappy relationship... god.. I can't even begin to start pointing out every thing you have said that is flat out wrong and will destroy any trust two people can have... Who appointed you queen of everything anyway. I don't disagree with EVERYTHING you said ...just most of it.
He isn't your subordinate...he is your equal. Don't feel bad about snooping? Cripes....I bet you'd get your panties in a knot if he was that paranoid snooping on everything you did trying to prove his paranoia you was up to something or cheating. Want to destroy ANY trust that might have existed...that will do it in a flash.
Hell, reading that rant makes me think you just hate men in general....no way can you have a healthy relationship with one with a chip that HUGE on your shoulder.....Hell losing a woman with an attitude like that might be the BEST thing that can happen to a guy. Assuming he didn't have the balls to walk out first.
I'd take everything on, on a point by point basis....but I have other things to do tonight.
And thats not directed at the OP...but the man-hater that just posted.
509cougs, I agree with most of what you posted. My main issue, and there are others, just minor though, is this;
You do have a right to know if someone is cheating on you when you're in a relationship with that person. I don't disagree with that. But the way this is written it implies that you have a right to know about every sexual act your partner has ever committed in his/her lifetime. No, you don't have that right.Quote:
You have a right to know everything about your partner's sex life, so if he won't tell you you should find out on your own.
I was molested as a child, raped as a teen. It took me a long time before I told my now husband about this. If I had chosen not to tell him, that would have been okay. He doesn't have the right to know. It's my choice who I tell about my past. I chose to tell him because of who I am, and who he is. But that's my choice, no one else's.
This is an excellent website on the many aspects of porn addiction: Home | Fight The New Drug
Sorry, I meant no disrespect. I meant that she has a right to find out what he does during the relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alty
You've got me wrong. I love men. I don't even mind porn. I just don't like what porn does to some people. As per the snooping... He established the deception in their relationship, not her. She has a right to know what he's up to, if nothing more than to protect herself from STDs and trouble with the law. What if he got aids or was looking at kiddy-porn? She could die or go to federal prison!Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
Sorry... a wedding ring does NOT mean you give up all your rights to personal space and some privacy. And it certainy doesn't give one partner absolute power over the other...
Aren't you entitled to a little "ME" time? Sure you are....so is he.
Women that seriously think a guy shouldn't ever see porn... better be willing to give up everything girls tend to do as well... no chick flix... no girls magazines... certainly never any more girld nights out... spill out your purse every night to show him everything you have in it, same with your phone and every email account and site you visit along with usernames and passwords you use so he can check on you at his leasure...
And forgetting to give even one... means you are cheating on him...
Sorry... Control freaks (of either gender) really... REALLY... get on my nerves (major sore point with me, and always has been). Thankfully most women are not like that. My wife certainly isn't. Most guys aren't either...the ones that are don't get a free pass either.
I've got no use for women that think they are gods gift to mankind......or guys that think they are gods gift to women either for that matter.
Being a control freak is a form of spousal abuse......you either trust them absolutely....or do everyone a favor and leave....
Two people WILL get on each others nerves if they don't get their time alone to do stuff they enjoy. Porn isn't cheating......hell looking at women on the street isn't cheating. Its like looking at cars in a magazine.....its not the same as taking one out for a road test. If you entend to buy it or not.
I've said it numerous times here.....My wife points out the women she thinks I find attractive out in public and she does know my taste pretty well....and she spots them before I do most times.....she knows I'm coming home with her that night.
Smoothy, I think you should read her posts again. She's not talking about controlling what he does, nor is she saying he can't watch porn.
In this case the OP (original poster) has legitimate concerns about her partner. Should she just sit by hoping that he's not contacting those people on craigslist? Should she just wait until an AIDS test comes back positive because he's been cheating? Is she allowed to confront him after he's given her a death sentence?
You know that I agree that porn, in most relationships, is not a big deal. Most of the women that post here about their partner watching porn, have issues with porn, not issues with their partner. This is not the case here.
This OP has legit concerns. Talking to her partner hasn't helped. Her partner could very well have an addiction to porn. That's not healthy for their relationship, nor should she accept it just because a few people think she should suck it up and let him do what he wants to do. She's not trying to control him, or what he does. She's trying to form a relationship with this man, but this man only seems to care about porn, and masturbating, and no matter how much she begs for his attention, he can't give up what he's doing. That's addiction.
509cougs, I don't see a problem with what you said, I don't see you as a man hater, nor do I see you as a control freak.
I think this man is addicted to porn. I don't have a problem with porn per se, although I don't see the point in watching it all the time, but when your watching it interferes with your relationship to your partner, there is a problem.
If this guy does not want to deal with it, she should leave.
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