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So guilt of the cheater could be a way that a cheater gets found out because they confess..Quote:
Originally Posted by Jiser
What of the situations where the cheater does not confess what they have done?
Is that just down to good judgment or a sense that something just is not right?
My husband started acting strange. Nothing at home pleased him. I couldn't get the house clean enough, dinner just wasn't right, I was a poor money manager etc...
And, of course, there was hardly any sex. (that is probably the biggest sign). I just felt like something was off. He would come home every night in a bad mood. EVERY NIGHT!
I did do some investigating of my own and came across some things - otherwise, I wouldn't know now. There was a confrontation with him and the "other woman" - she would not admit to anything other than friends (apparently, I scared the s**t out of her). But my husband told me what I needed to know.
We are now traveling down a path that I think is less traveled. We are attempting to work it out. So far so good, only time will tell. I am happy with my decision. I know it is not a popular one.
I hear this story from a lot of my married men friends:
They meet a nice, fun, pretty woman; dating and sex is a blast; once marriage occurs the woman's sex drive shuts right down; the men's eyes and minds wander because they (a) feel like they were mislead during dating and (b) they have the same sex drive as when they dated.
This is why I waited so lomg to get married, to find someone who I believed would be the same woman after marriage.
When I married my husband, I was 22 and he was 25. We knew what we wanted and did not see a reason to wait. We had dated for 16 months before we got married.
I think everyone changes over time. I am not the same person I was at 22 and he is not either. We have had life experiences that change us. I was a cute size 8 when we married, 5 years later - I got pregnant - gained 60 pounds and my body was changed forever. I am a plump size 14 now. I have more curves - in places my husband says he loves. So, physically, I have changed.
When we married, he was about 175 lbs. Now he is about 230. I am not the only one who has "grown". And these are just physical things.
Mentally and emotionally we have grown. We have more things in our life than we did in our 20's. We are parents, we have a mortgage, bills that never seem to go away. Common stresses.
So, the theroy to wait to get married to find someone that will be the same in dating and in marriage - I don't think that is possible, just because - with life comes changes.
Yes..
People do change over time..
Very true..
Ideally while they change they grow together.
I still don't think anyone should get married before 25, its just too young, especially for men. Not judging your situation Nowwhat because you have obviously met the right one and are an example of a successful relationship.
Why is the divorce rate so high..?
Is it really 1 in 2 marriages that end in divorce?
That's high.. no wonder people are choosing to just live together as common law partners these days.
True.. and also both partners need to accept this change.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
What I mean is, accepting the change and not feeling as if you are growing apart (outgrowing each other) and also unknowing each other too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
To balance this...
I've heard this story from so many female friends. They meet a nice, funny, smart guy; dating and sex is a blast, and the guy is thoughtful about doing the dishes, remembering special dates, buying flowers and stuff for the heck of it... they're basically helpful and romantic. Once marriage occurs, the guy feels like he won the chick, and stops doing as much around the house, and stops keeping romance alive--why should he have to romance her, is his thought, since he married her?
Women's eyes and minds wander because they (a) feel like they were mislead during dating and (b) need as much romance as when they dated.
EVERYONE changes. Most of the women I know that lose their sex drive after marriage, lose it because sex is the only thing that a guy seems interested in anymore---there's no more cuddling, kissing just for kissing's sake, holding hands, etc. And once kids come... she's usually balancing housework, a job, and the majority of the childcare... and he wonders why she is too tired for sex!
It's about communication, not about married or not married, or kids or no kids. Sure, my husband and I have less sex than we used to have. We also can't skip work the next day if we're up all night having sex like we could when we had crappy jobs in our twenties!
I think a lot of the time in relationships, once the honeymoon period is over, once the sparks have faded, once each partner has won each other, there is not much left to fulfill the needs. This is where the critical point is in the relationship whether it be a make or a break.
It takes a mature couple to realise that love is what is left over after those sparks have gone and work on the relationship to keep it alive. I guess that is when you know you have met>>THE ONE! :rolleyes:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
I don't know if you could use my relationship as an example. Or to say, at this point, we are successful.
Yes, we are still married - but we have had a very rocky life together. We are constantly working on this relationship. We stumble and forget why we are working at this thing called life. Right now, we are on the road to recovery from an affair. At the beginning of this month, I was sitting in an attorney's office - ready to divorce - because of an affair. But, I simply could not do it. I love my husband - all of him - the good, bad and very ugly. I do not want to live my life with out him. I vowed to be with him till death do us part. I took those vows very seriously.
And yes, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I think the rate is so high because of the society we live in. Think back to, say, the 1950's. How was divorce looked at? Very Taboo. Even if you were getting beat everyday and had every reason to leave - divorce just didn't happen. A divorced woman was looked upon as defective. She would be treated as if she had the plague.
Divorce, for some, is easy. It is easier than staying in a marriage that isn't all roses. When that honeymoon period is over and the work begins - it's almost like "Oh crap, what did I get myself into!!" When I first got married, I loved to cook for my man - it was fun. Now it's a chore. I kept the house nice, because it was fun - again - now it's a chore.
And, I have to tell him every once in a while - that "hey, sending me flowers on my b-day is nice, but sending me flowers because it's Tuesday is even better". Those little romantic gestures are great. But, they seem to only happen, the longer a person is married, when an anniversary or birthday rolls around.
So, why is that? Because - by marrying a person - we have won our prize?
Winning the prize is the easy part, keeping it is a lot more work. If your not willing to work to keep what you have then you will lose it. That's why the divorce rate is so high, because people are not willing to do the work to keep what they have and look for the easy way out.Quote:
So, why is that? Because - by marrying a person - we have won our prize?
When we say marriage is work - what does that mean? (if you are married - you know) When you first get married and it is just you and your spouse - it seems easy. It's almost fairy tale or playing house.
Then you decide to buy your first house. There is a mortgage to maintain, grass to cut and things to fix. You don't feel as free as you did before.
Then you decide it's time to have kids. You become parents and have all the things that go with that. 3am feedings, dirty diapers, teething. Then as the kid grows, there a ballet lessons, soccer practice, etc.. And if you aren't blessed with 100% healthy child, there are endless doctor's appointments and procedures. STRESS!
With the house and kids, brings bills. You seem to be busting your butt at work everyday and there still is not enough money to make ends meet.
Then it hits you that you can't remember the last time you and your spouse had a date night. Let alone, a romantic evening filled with great sex. You lose each other in the daily trials of life. That is were the work is. With all of the things whirling around you - you have to manage to find the time and energy to nurture your relationship. You realize that your time is not your own anymore - you can't do the things that made you happy anymore because you are balancing all of these other things. And the easiest thing to let slide is the relationship. You will get to it on another day. Or, when you get paid, you are going to take your wife out for an expensive meal. That day comes and your kid had to go to hospital because of whatever.
Marriage is messy, life is messy. And trying to find the time to balance everything is extremely hard. You want so badly to recapture the FUN in life. And, for some, that means divorce. Throw your hands up and say this is just too much work - it must be the wrong thing for me - because life should be fun or exciting. When in reality - anything worth having is WORK!
I wish my ex would have realised this but then she was only young..Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
Being young is about fun and excitement and above all, learning and growing.
Cheating is as old as the Neanderthals... The 60's and 70's were wild times pre-aids...
I think the only thing new is the internet... it has created a new crop of ez-cheating opportunities... but I think, those who will - will.
Sad, but true.
Character is fate, as a wise English writer once said.
Consider that before you say "I do" or "I love you" or "I want your babies"
Or anything else with an "I"
You know this is a great question Geoff. I can't really add anything to what other posters have already said, but I would like to ask those that have cheated what was the reason or reasons they did so? Was it something you've always done or was it just one time with one particular partner and what circumstances lead up to the cheating? Help us on the outside see what's going on, on the inside... inside the relationship and inside your thought process during those times.
First of all, it's important to define what's meant by "cheating." If someone you're dating has sex with someone else and you've made no explicit promises to each other, is that "cheating?" At what level of a relationship is faithfulness and monogamy expected to occur? I think you'll find mixed opinions on this. Certainly when marriage vows have been taken we expect our spouse to be faithful to us ; I'm referring primarily to the pre-marriage stage. A person who's engaged, in my opinion, should certainly be faithful and monogamous just as though (s)he were already married. But what about someone who's not yet engaged? Someone who's made no real promise or commitment to their "significant other?" What expectation do we hold them to? This is the greyest area on this topic. I believe this is why so many moral codes hold to the idea of marriage before sex. As is touted so often, "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Expressed more directly, why have sex with someone who isn't willing to commit to marriage with you? Why give them something and get nothing in return? I'm sure than many will rationalize, whether they admit it or not, that they want the enjoyment of sex but don't want the commitment of marriage. To anyone with that mindset, my response is to be prepared for the resulting emotional fallout. I believe that therein lies the heart of the matter under discussion here. We can always reverse the popular cliché ; "if you want the milk, you gotta buy the cow!" If one is avoiding marriage for a practical reason, such as being too young, then they are too young to have sex. The bottom line is, if you're going to hop in the sack with someone who's not your lawful spouse, you have no right to an expectation of monogamy.
You can tell, but many people are not willing to admit it to themselves. My ex would go out two or three nights a week, (and leave me at home with a 2 year old), And stay out all night, usually till about 9 am (the time I would have to go to work. She told me that she was going out with her girlfriends, but would always drink too much, so she couldn't drive home. I would have gone along longer if one of her friends had not gotten mad and told me. And you got to remember if you have kids, especially men, your choices are stay married or see your kids three or four days a month. Is cheating wrong in this case, and one of the people has totally let themselves go, and forgotten personal hygiene, and does not attempt to make themselves attractive. Or if one no longer wants sex? I think it is not black and white. People judge too harshly and quickly.
Is it wrong to cheat when your spouse is cheating? Would you rather cheat and stay married because of your kids?
That is a tough one. I think in this case, you may want to have a conversation with your spouse and talk about an open relationship. This way, you both know where you stand in your relationship. You both are getting what you need. I don't know of anyone that has ever done this, so I don't know if it would even work.
As far as cheating because they don't attempt to make themselves attractive to you or any of the other things listed above - that isn't a reason to cheat. Those things need to be discussed as things that bother you. If you can not resolve it on your own - then go to counseling.
I really don't think there is acceptable cheating. I think it is black and white. You made a commitment to another person. "forsaking all others" was in your vows. Not- forsaking all others as long as you smell good and look pretty.
Yeah I was just speaking theoretically.
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