Ask Me Help Desk - I'm married but really like a younger guy.

I can tell you the way to conduct a marriage is NOT be distracted by a flirting co worker. Handle your business at home. All marriages have ups and downs and periods of disconnection. Life does that, but to seriously consider cheating is NOT the path to go.

Have you been married to long or have forgotten the ways of single people? Anyone can flirt, but that doesn't mean you have to be interested, or hopeful. Its not even a signal of attraction but you have taken it as such from a friendly co worker.

Put simply no matter what, married people don't act on feelings of attraction to others, they stay focused on their priorities and accept husbands have to work long hours. You may have done the day to day stuff to raise your kid but for sure he made it possible while working hard and you should really appreciate it by being patient, and LOYAL to him.

If you cannot, then be honest and be single but handle your marriage before you go tripping on the fantasy your life would be better with someone else, or falling for the first guy you get attention from.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdienes8

thank you for your opinion. but what makes you an expert in marriage. I feel those who successfully made a marriage work for 30 plus years and lost a spouse then due to death are the only experts. Unless you have been in my my sitration and had your marriage shaking after 19 years and 22 yrs total with dating the same person. You should be a little more careful about your response. Counseling I feel are for those who can not figure out how to make a relationship work at all. When I was in college they said most counselors go into counseling to figure out their own life. So why would I take advice from those who are still trying to figure out what a relationship means.
I have been giving this matter so much thought this past week and half it is not funny. I still care for my husband, but feeling do change as you get older. I have prayed about this and ask if this other man is not to effect me. Please let him go away if I don't respond. But this is not going away so now I ask God help to show me the path I need to take. Is it to stay with my husband even throw we are growing apart right now or is it with someone else. I was not looking for anyone, it just happen the very first day I met this guy. We where both all smiles not flirting yet.

The advice you have been given is good. cat1864 advice was spot on. I was in a 32 year marriage. If you are unhappy in your marriage, get some counseling. If he refuses, get it for yourself. Asking God if you should continue to flirt with this man is childish. If your marriage is no longer working, leave it! But don't use this office flirtation as a catalyst.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdienes8

Please let him go away if I don't respond. But this is not going away so now I ask God help to show me the path I need to take.

Actually, yes, he is going away. You may still work with him but he hasn't made advances on you and in fact has let you know he is seeing someone... so essentially, he is going away... it is you who is keeping the thought of him around you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdienes8

thank you for your opinion. but what makes you an expert in marriage. I feel those who successfully made a marriage work for 30 plus years and lost a spouse then due to death are the only experts. Unless you have been in my my sitration and had your marriage shaking after 19 years and 22 yrs total with dating the same person. You should be a little more careful about your response. Counseling I feel are for those who can not figure out how to make a relationship work at all. When I was in college they said most counselors go into counseling to figure out their own life. So why would I take advice from those who are still trying to figure out what a relationship means.
I have been giving this matter so much thought this past week and half it is not funny. I still care for my husband, but feeling do change as you get older. I have prayed about this and ask if this other man is not to effect me. Please let him go away if I don't respond. But this is not going away so now I ask God help to show me the path I need to take. Is it to stay with my husband even throw we are growing apart right now or is it with someone else. I was not looking for anyone, it just happen the very first day I met this guy. We where both all smiles not flirting yet.

What makes ANYONE an expert on marriage? Seriously? Your response to someone who's giving you ROCK SOLID advise is out of line, juvenile and rude.

It ALWAYS just happens! Everyone who considers infidelity has reasons that make them unique and special and not accountable for the promise they made to their spouse. Your ideas about counseling are really whackadoodle, too. Yes, many counselors themselves get counseling but it's generally because we all have issues to resolve in our lives, and going through school and learning about the profession, they develop a lot of insight that this could help them, too. Further, many people who benefit from counseling find it is life-changing, which inspires them to provide the service to other people.

Your ruminations about the tone of this guy's voice, how ardantly he greets you with a "hello" sound a bit like high school freshmen figuring out if a boy or girl like them or not. It's fun at any age to flirt and know someone still finds us attractive, but acting on it when you're married is totally inappropriate. You have a promise still in place to your husband which also extends to your children.

You act like this is "just happening" without encouragement from you, but you did not need this man's advise on guitar purchases for a kid. Any guitar store would be able to provide you great advice. You could have come on this site for advice on buying a guitar. Then after he gave the advice, you wanted to make sure he was present for the actual purchase - totally unnecessary. Then you wanted to take him to dinner to thank him, too? Don't lie to yourself, much less us, trying to make this about your son and a guitar. I just asked my neighbor for her advice on what to plant in my yard but other than a "Thanks" I certainly am not in need of her company when I buy the recommended flowers, nor do I plan to take her to dinner - it is over the top and unnecessary. A quick thank-you note would be more than adequate if you feel a spoken thank you is inadequate. And you need to recognize how hurt your husband and son both would be to find out that this gift of a guitar was being used by their wife/mother to further a potentially adulterous relationship. Fact is, you were trying to parlay the guitar purchase into an excuse to see him and hopefully cheat with him. Own your behavior and be honest.

I understand that when your husband works so hard and so many hours, even when he IS available, he's probably too exhausted to be much of a partner to you. I think it IS time to speak to him and to go for counseling. You aren't "above" counseling just because you can figure out why you are doing things - you do need it. We can ALL figure out the right thing to do, but we often still do the wrong things. That's where the counselor helps - to guide us so that we support our own commitments, promises and what is best for us and our loved ones by behaving how we should and resisting temporary thrills that undermine what is important.

It may be time to revisit your finances and figure out a way for your husband to reduce his working hours. He's probably exhausted and this is a huge risk for your marriage. No doubt you need the attention this other guy has been offering, but you need to resist it and figure out how to make it possible for your husband to provide it instead. We don't know whether you need the money from his long hours, in which case maybe it's time for him to find a better paying job, for you to work more, or to reduce your expenses. Or, perhaps he owns a business or otherwise feels he "needs" to be there that much. In this case, he needs to accept that he needs to cut his overtime by at least half because, while the business may need him, he's guilty of malpractice for neglect on the homefront. He can hire someone to help with his work, but should think seriously if he wants someone else to step into his shoes as a husband and father - that's probably a job he should cover by himself!

Please, in the future, don't bite off the heads of posters who are trying to advise you. When you come on AMHD and ask for advice, you will get it. If it relates to your efforts to cheat on your husband, you can be assured people are going to tell you the cold, hard truth about it and you're not going to like hearing it. Then again, you probably need to hear it and should be appreciative. Often the best advice is the stuff we'd rather not hear!

Don't lose your marriage over a crush, it's not worth it. Yes it's flattering getting attention from a younger man but its only
Short lived its natural to have admirers but don't act on them. Try to focus on our marriage and kids.