Ask Me Help Desk - Hindu boy will do anything for his Muslim girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

I am 29 and i have had my share of relationships too,,, i might not have as many experiences as u have,,, but i have been hurt by a few who believed that dating is a game,,,

I don say Chandu needs to continue his relations,,, he mentioned he is willing to do anything for his gal,,, hence i gave him his support,,, Also note, he is an Indian and i know wow it works around here,,, I am one too,,,

u don need to evaluate each and every person before u marry,,, all u need is to find the right person at the right time,,, and trust the one u love,,,

For many guys here, Love is a game,,, (even girls),,, they don realise how it hurts the other when they break-up,,, m not talking in support of Chandu here,,, m talking in general,,, because i was on the receiving (hurt) end of the so called GAME....

You won't know when Right is really "Right" unless you have had a few relationships under your belt. At the time most people think their first few relationships where "The One" and perfect... after they have had a few most are EXTREMELY happy they weren't still with those people. Some things really are universal across cultures. And one of those are you aren't going to have a great life with someone if they aren't sufficiently compatible with you.

You can't ignore it forever, and you can't make people change to suit you.. and you can't change yourself either to that degree. In effect, just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should.

Sure its going to hurt when a relationship ends for any reason... but do you know what... you get over it and you grow emotionally from the experience. Life is full of trials and tribulations... those are the least of them. At least you have some control over those situations.

Think its hard getting dumped by the other person? Wait until one of your parents dies (I've lost a parent). Wait until one or MORE of the people you were dating dies in an accident.. (I've lost two girlfriends in traffic accidents, no I wasn't there). Getting dumped by someone who realised you weren't right for them before you reliesed they weren't right for you is nothing compared to that.

Settling for whatever you can get in a hurry is never better than waiting for the right person.

You can learn to live with someone you truly aren't excited about... but that is more like a roommate with benefits arraingement than it is a marriage based on love. YOu can learn to be friends with anyone... but nothing can make you love them.

As it might be obvious... I am very much opposed to arrainged marriages for that reason... but this does not appear to be one of those.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

You won't know when Right is really "Right" unless you have had a few relationships under your belt. At the time most people think their first few relationships where "The One" and perfect....after they have had a few most are EXTREMELY happy they weren't still with those people. Some things really are universal across cultures. And one of those are you aren't going to have a great life with someone if they aren't sufficiently compatible with you.

You can't ignore it forever, and you can't make people change to suit you.. and you can't change yourself either to that degree. In effect, just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should.

Sure its going to hurt when a relationship ends for any reason...but do you know what...you get over it and you grow emotionally from the experience. Life is full of trials and tribulations....those are the least of them. At least you have some control over those situations.

Think its hard getting dumped by the other person? Wait until one of your parents dies (I've lost a parent). Wait until one or MORE of the people you were dating dies in an accident..(I've lost two girlfriends in traffic accidents, no I wasn't there). Getting dumped by someone who realised you weren't right for them before you reliesed they weren't right for you is nothing compared to that.

Settling for whatever you can get in a hurry is never better than waiting for the right person.

You can learn to live with someone you truely aren't excited about...but that is more like a roomate with benifits arraingement than it is a marriage based on love. YOu can learn to be friends with anyone...but nothing can make you love them.

As it might be obvious....I am very much opposed to arrainged marriages for that reason...but this does not appear to be one of those.

I lost my daughter,, she died in my arms (literally),,
I lost 2 childhood friends one after the other... I was in love with one of them,,
My fav cousin died in front of me in the hospital...
I know what losing a loved one means,,

But this is not we are talking about,, the subject is breaking up,, I suggest you reply to the point rather than jumping to a different topic,, losing someone due to death and breaking up are 2 very different things,,

Some find love easily, some need to be hurt, but once your hurt, it doesn't mean you have to keep looking for-ever, its as good as NEVER to trust and always to look for that special someone... its better to love someone who loves you back rather than keep looking your whole life,,

I understand what you might have been through and why you are suggesting different than me,, we both have had different lives and differeent experiences which have taught us different things,, but,, the main point that needs to be discussed is about Chandu,, who says he loves her, and also that she is a emotional wreck,, frankly, m confused with his second batch of story,,

I suggested he get out, but after talking to her parents,

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

I lost my daughter,,, she died in my arms (literally),,,
I lost 2 childhood friends one after the other... i was in love with one of them,,,
My fav cousin died in front of me in the hospital...
i know what losing a loved one means,,,

but this is not we are talking about,,, the subject is breaking up,,, i suggest u reply to the point rather than jumping to a different topic,,,, losing someone due to death and breaking up are 2 very different things,,,

Some find love easily, some need to be hurt,, but once ur hurt, it doesn mean u have to keep looking for-ever,, its as good as NEVER to trust n always to look for that special someone...its better to love someone who loves u back rather than keep looking ur whole life,,,

i understand what u might have been through and y u r suggesting different than me,,, we both have had different lives and differeent experiences which have taught us different things,,, but,,, the main point that needs to be discussed is about Chandu,,, who says he loves her, n also that she is a emotional wreck,,, frankly, m confused with his second batch of story,,,,

i suggested he get out, but after talking to her parents,,

Nobody has any obligation to stay with another if they feel its not completely right... nobody SHOULD stay with someone else because they are expecting them to change, which doesn't happen. THey aren't even engaged... much less married... NOW is when they need to walk away from it... because its better to do it now then it will be in a few more years... or after they end up married or even have kids that things are never going to be better.

And you should NEVER stick around just because the other person might get upset if you don't.

Would YOU stick around a guy who has a fixation with you that all you see is problems because he drinks, or flirts with other women, or is unattractive and just smells bad? Would you stick around so he doesn't get upset? That goes both ways.

And while you may not want to see it that way... I have been addressing the OP's question... when you first start dating everything SHOULD seem great.. because you don't know them well enough to see the lesser problems... when you get engaged you start to see their lesser problems and you decide if they are still minor enough to live with because trust me... AFTER you get married you ARE going to find every flaw they have and you are going to have to live with it or go through the trouble and expense of a divorce.

If you see big problems at the dating stage... there are a LOT more waiting there right under the surface... and her suicide threats indicates she's got a LOT of very serious issues... and her parent;s and the religious differences as serious as they are are the least of them.

You don't waste months or years in a relationship that's not completely right... you never get that time back and the pool of available single people shrinks with time until all you are left with are those nobody else wanted for good reason or people that are divorced or widowed... and the baggage so many of them will have (though not all will).

I think he walks away and doesn't speak to his girls parents. No doubt he would be blamed for her suicide behavior, or they will be in denial of her actions. Either way doesn't bode well for him or her for that matter.

Guys you all might be right bt I'm the one who is to blame forher suicide...
I never talked to her for break up in a direct way... alll that I used was rough language.
I knew she loved me and would never stop... but I wanted her to forget me... sothat she miight have a nice marriagelife...
So the onlyway that seemed right to me was what I did.
I told her" iwas using u.....i dont know how u girls r so silly...anyone could make u fool...it was a game...for me purely in which i had to act to b nice to get gifts of your love and meanwhile i would have the thing i loved the most; your body................. And what forced me to forgeta* and come to you was your body...it was the thing i all meant with......NOT YOU OR YOUR LOVE OR LIFE..........IT DOSENT MEAN A LITTLE TO ME EVEN IF U LIVE OR DIE........"
It hurted me a lot... all I wanted from her was thatshe should be with me... I one who never even thought to kiss her chicks told her this... the words I used were more rough... but I can't use them...
As I said we have been longer than a year I relantion but we might not have talked more than 5 minutes constantly... in whole year we might have talked for mximum 1 hour... but every time she understands me... no need of words to explain... she is the one who always appraches me.. even if fault would be mine... she is very broad minded... I have many female friends... but she has no problem with it...
Many things are such I haven't told you... it might fill up books and you might even think that I'm a boaster... my whole life changed its track completely in just 4 days . I even didn't know what happenrd...
I have seen my love close to death... she was just unconscious... I feared what would have happen... all sirs lifting her to take her to hospital... and I stood there watching it.. helplessly... I had no way... that day I committed to myself" go to any extent for even....any extent"
But after in 2 months in feb. She tried to end her life be because of me...
Every time I was responsible...
But she never stop loving me... she never complained to me... all that she would say is I know you.. Understand you... u need not explain me...
Tell me how could I break her heart... I love her much..

Its not YOUR fault at all... its her fault she has mush for brains... she lacks the mental stability to think and act rationally... that's HER fault... and nobody else's.

There are 3.5 billion other guys out there... there is also 3.5 billion other girls out there... NONE of them are that important or that special to be worth killing yourself over.

People like that ALWAYS try to make it someone else's fault.. and some of them are pretty good at playing the victim when they really aren't. Seems like she's already played you for a sucker making you believe that.

How many times do you think she can play the woe is me card before you see none of this is your fault... and and life around here will be a series of one crisis after another if she doesn't get her way every time...

What her behavior indicates is she needs a psychiatrist... not a boyfriend.

Hey... sorry to sound harsh... but this is something for her family to handle... not a burden anyone needs to deal with early into a relationship.

If she is this unstable... what other crisis might she do this again and succeed? When she burns a chicken, when one of her parents or siblings die, when a friend of hers dies? etc... etc... etc...

She CAN get treatment for this... and she CAN be made better.. but it takes time.. and it takes money and its not going to happen unless she and her parents see the problem for what it really is... and that's HER, not you.

Smoothy,,

Do u have anyone you Love in your life? Are you married?

The words and phrases your using just feel like your not serious about love at all... it feels like your not married,,

Let's suppose you are married,, don't u love your wife? That deep feeling you have for your wife,, that is what needs to be supported,, not hatred,,

Chandu mentioned again and again that he loves her and you keep asking him to end it,, I agree the girl is insane to attempt suicide,, and chandu is safer away from her,, but do you know the consequences of falling in love with a Muslim and breaking up with them? Specially the insane muslim,, let me brief you a little

Hindu girl stabbed to death by a Muslim guy, 32 stabs,, and thrown in a ditch,, reason? She refused his proposal
Honor killing of a muslim girl and a sikh boy for falling in love.
Muslim girl's brothers kill her boyfriend because he refused to leave her.
Muslim and hindu married couple killed by a mob in Mumbai.
2 muslim guys stabbed in Kundapur for proposing a hindu girl,,

I can go on and on,, so many stories,, try this,, watch/download crime patrol,, u'l understand my point

Quote:

Originally Posted by caringnandu

Guys u all might b right bt i m the one who is to blame forher suicide............
I never talked to her for break up in a direct way.......alll that i used was rough language.
I knew she loved me and would never stop.......but i wanted her to forget me....sothat she miight have a nice marriagelife....
So the onlyway that seemed right to me was what i did.
I told her" iwas using u.....i dont know how u girls r so silly...anyone could make u fool...it was a game...for me purely in which i had to act to b nice to get gifts of your love and meanwhile i would have the thing i loved the most; your body................. And what forced me to forgeta* and come to you was your body...it was the thing i all meant with......NOT YOU OR YOUR LOVE OR LIFE..........IT DOSENT MEAN A LITTLE TO ME EVEN IF U LIVE OR DIE........"
it hurted me alot....all i wanted from her was thatshe should b with me... I one who never even thought to kiss her chicks told her this....the words i used were more rough ...but i can't use them....
As i said we have been longer than a year i relantion but we might not have talked more than 5 minutes constanly........in whole year we might have talked for mximum 1 hour......but every time she understands me...no need of words to explain....she is the one who always appraches me..even if fault would b mine......she is very broad minded.......i have many female frnds...but she has no problem with it...
Many things are such i havent told you.......it might fill up books and u might even think that i m a boaster....my whole life changed its track completely in just 4 days . I even didnt know what happenrd......
I have seen my love close to death .........she was just unconcious.....i feared what would have happen.....all sirs lifting her to take her to hospital......and i stood there watching it..helplessly...i had no way...that day i commited to myself" go to any extent for even....any extent"
but after in 2 months in feb. She tried to end her life b coz of me.....
Everytime i was responsible...
But she never stop loving me...she never complained to me.....all that she would say is i know you.. Understand you...u need not explain me....
Tell me how could i break her heart........ I love her much..

Chandu, you say you love her,, then you say you broke her heart,, what's the status now? Are you two together or have you broken up?
How is she after the suicide episode? She needs help... this suicide is a sign of threat to u,, she is saying she'l commit suicide if you break her heart,, take the message,, don't break up directly and take all the blame on u,, you are young,, such incidents can alter your life,, it can alter your opinion on life and love,,

Yet again, I repeat, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG,, this is no time for true love,, this is the time you make small mistakes and learn from them,,
I am asking you to act mature because the girl is acting insane,, I still suggest the same,, talk to her parents about her act,, tell them why she attempted suicide. Act matured. Remember, your in India,, once you get a Tag as the reason for some girl's death,, that tag remains forever,, specially when it comes to a HINDU n a MUSLIM. And you have no idea how the public will react to a muslim girl's death,, i.e. if she tries again,,

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Nobody has any obligation to stay with another if they feel its not completely right....nobody SHOULD stay with someone else because they are expecting them to change, which doesn't happen. THey aren't even engaged....much less married....NOW is when they need to walk away from it...because its better to do it now then it will be in a few more years....or after they end up married or even have kids that things are never going to be better.

And you should NEVER stick around just because the other person might get upset if you don't.

Would YOU stick around a guy who has a fixation with you that all you see is problems because he drinks, or flirts with other women, or is unattractive and just smells bad? Would you stick around so he doesn't get upset? That goes both ways.

And while you may not want to see it that way...I have been addressing the OP's question...when you first start dating everything SHOULD seem great..because you don't know them well enough to see the lesser problems....when you get engaged you start to see their lesser problems and you decide if they are still minor enough to live with because trust me...AFTER you get married you ARE going to find every flaw they have and you are going to have to live with it or go through the trouble and expense of a divorce.

If you see big problems at the dating stage....there are a LOT more waiting there right under the surface....and her suicide threats indicates she's got a LOT of very serious issues.....and her parent;s and the religious differences as serious as they are are the least of them.

You don't waste months or years in a relationship thats not completely right....you never get that time back and the pool of available single people shrinks with time until all you are left with are those nobody else wanted for good reason or people that are divorced or widowed....and the baggage so many of them will have (though not all will).

Do u read what I post or you just reply without even thinking twice about what my opinion is? I guess you read just the 1st 2 lines,,

I mentioned it's better he break up with her, but after talking to her parents... read again

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

Smoothy,,,

Do u have anyone you Love in your life? Are u married?

the words n phrases ur using just feel like ur not serious about love at all... it feels like ur not married,,,

let's suppose u are married,,, don't u love ur wife? that deep feeling u have for ur wife,,, that is what needs to be supported,,, not hatred,,,,

Chandu mentioned again n again that he loves her and u keep asking him to end it,,, i agree the girl is insane to attempt suicide,,, and chandu is safer away from her,,, but do u know the consequences of falling in love with a Muslim and breaking up with them? specially the insane muslim,,, let me brief u a little

Hindu girl stabbed to death by a Muslim guy,, 32 stabs,,, and thrown in a ditch,,, reason? she refused his proposal
Honor killing of a muslim girl and a sikh boy for falling in love.
Muslim girl's brothers kill her bf because he refused to leave her.
Muslim n hindu married couple killed by a mob in Mumbai.
2 muslim guys stabbed in Kundapur for proposing a hindu girl,,,

i can go on n on,,, so many stories,,, try this,,, watch/download crime patrol,,, u'l understand my point

Let me start by saying that were really aren't that far apart in that we both think this is wrong... we just have different reasons for why we think that.

I am not only married... I have a LOT of friends.. buit I also see the world the way it is... not through some rose colored glasses for how I wish it was. And I am past the point where my hormones control my behaviour as it does for guys from 14 through about 30. They aren't engaged much less married... this is when you are supposed to walk away when things aren't exactly right... BEFORE they get married and have kids.

I dated my wife for over 3 years before I got married... I've been married for just over 20 years, I'm 51 and did my share of wild oats sowing before then... they on the other hand AREN'T even engaged... much less in a real relationship... they haven't even slept together... they don't have "love" yet... that is impossible, she's clinging to anyone because of her mental instability... (its not love)... he wants to sleep with someone he finds attractive so he confuses lust for love because he lacks the life experience yet to know the difference between them. And experience is the only way to learn that.

What he feels for her is NOT the same thing I feel for my wife... for the reasons I stated... he really barely knows her... and they haven't been together in a serious way for love to grow and lust to wear off... and seriously... I have walked away from girlfriends who acted mentally unstable before (well beyond women's monthly cycle type stuff)... lifes rough enough without dealing with that too.

And incidentlty.. the last part of your post has absolutely no bearing on the subject of this topic... You are the one here who seems though think ONLY about oh poor her.. well the world doesn't revolve around her and its time she wakes up and faces that fact...

Its also abundently clear that HER parents as well as HIS parents aren't at all happy about this... and apparently unlike you, I am old enough to know that they aren't going to change their attitudes if they do marry, I'm also old enough to know that if you have neither families support the two of them are going to have a very hard life...

Apparently you seem to believe what you see in the movies... that if they both just stick it out despite the abundent evidence that this just has nothing bu7t problems everything will be just like a fairy tale and everyone will live happily ever after... well for one thing he doesn't :Love" her....he is in LUST with her....the two things are very, very different....he doesn't know her well enough or long enough to actually love her yet...you don't "fall in love" right away, you fall into LUST right away.....love MIGHT start to grrow about the time the lust is wearing off, she on the other hand isn't capible of grasping what either are because she is mentally unstable...and will remain mentally unstable until she gets medical care. Its NOT coing to mysteriously cure itself just because he is there....quite the contrary..its only going to grow and get worse as LIFE get in the way of what her family has protected her from and she has to deal with reality.

Its also very true when that lust wears off and he sees she is not the girl his imagines she is..he's going to be very, very unhappy....

Nobody but NOBODY should be getting married or even thinking about it when there are large numbers of problems in the relationship....(and this realyl isn't even a relationship yet)...because I actually do have the benifit of seeing these kinds of things because I well past my 20's when kids still think fantasy is possible. I've got lots of personal experience that proves otherwise..as well as having seen dozens of others make those same mistakes as well.....and my 51 years on the planet has proven to me...that statistically those two aren't going to have a normal life or a good one. THere is no basis for a relationship in what he has given us so far....and in fact I've seen nothing but reasons to walk away from this one...and thats even without considering the religious aspects here.

As far as what you said about the so-called "honor killings"... thats the kid of things troglodytes do. (and I'll try to refrain from further offering my opinion on THAT topic because I don't feel like explaining myself)... and all the reason in the world to get as far away fromn her now as he can get... and consider this a difficult lesson... and consider if her family would even consider that from someone he really hasn't dated or had a relationship with , much less slept with (which I assume has never happened)... immagine what its going to be like when she starts bellyaching about how he hasn't done enough to cater to her every demand... it doesn't end with that... its only getting started.

There are other subcultures of other cultures where that sort of thing has been known to happen... and they are a lot further west than India, (Sicily) its just not as well known outside that region, and its tended to remain a closely guarded secret that really isn't much of a secret.

I'm NOT going to recommend he do something he WILL come to regret... and I have zero doubt he WILL regret sticking around her... as soon as his hormones stop telling him what to do and his brain can be more rational... as happens with MOST guys his age... and I wasn't immune to it at that point either.

This is my last post here... guys I know ,that you know this world better... but just put yourself in my place... and please don't call her insane.
She just said to me" hey if you dont like or love me now, tell me.
I m not going to fight with you. yeah i m going to help you to get one u r happy with. But pls tell me directly.......dont cheat me.."
I know suicide is just a symbol of something really big. But all she wanted from me is I shouldn't cheat her... she just said she tried to commit suicide bcoz she couldn't beat the fact that nandu cheated her...
And silver... we are together... still I'm mad for her.. didi I know I'm too young... For such stuffs... I wish I could ever talk to you or meet you.
Yeah forget to tell u... pls don't guess her less... she never threatens me... And she never uttered the word suicide again...
She just says to me " nandu i m ready to do anything for u...dosent matter whether u r with me or not.....just be happy.....and when no one is yours....dont worry there still a mad in world who is yours.." smoothy thanks for advice..
Taliman you tooo
And didi I liked when you called me chandu...

Just think long and think hard.. and take the advice we gave... because now is the time to leave or you are going to be playing nursemaid to her.

You can call it what you want... but sane people don't try to kill themselves over something so minor...

Its not even normal or sane to kill yourself if a husband or wife walks out on you, and it really is insane to try to kill yourself if the other tries to walk out when you really don't have a relationship beyond friends... Its not even normal if you watch your child die in your arms... but at least THAT is something that would be understandable. But nothing else is.

Honestly neither of you understands the true meaning of love, not yet anyway... and for those of us with a lot more life experience... yes it really is that obvious. I see the beginnings of a real control freak in her, and passive aggressive behavior that will only get worse with time.

Having had the misfortune of briefly dating someone like that in the past... I feel sorry for anyone who knowingly puts themselves into that situation... because if you think it will be hard now... its going to be a lot worse later... and you can add the cultural stigmas of your region... and the homicidal tendencies of people of her faith.

We can't make you do what's right... if you insist on doing it anyway... just be aware that we warned you, and "told you so"... and we did our best to keep you making a mistake that you will be paying for a very long time.

And flaws you see in her BEFORE marriage will only become more profound after you are married. (and yes that does work if the genders are reversed as well for the women reading this).

And trust me... my wife has her share of flaws... some very real ones, most I didn't even see before I married her, one that bothers me VERY much to this day, but I still could have made far worse mistakes in getting married to any of the far worse women I have previously dated.

We have a saying hindsight is always 20/20.

When its all over we can sleep well as we tried to help... but you will have to live with the results of your actions.. good or bad.

Quote:

and didi I liked when u called me chandu...

Forgive my typing, and I will forgive yours. Good luck Mr. caringnandu.

Hi Nandu,

Sorry m late,,

Had a small accident,, recovering,,

Sent you a private message.

Take care,,

I'm back... With a long story behind!.
.
Love sucks.!

M single now! :(

Yeah it does, but it also thrilling and a grand experience. Isn't being single fun?