I have read the entire thread.

What leaps out at me is when you say that he fully supports his ex-wife and intends to continue supporting her. You see it as integrity. I wonder if it is a sign of controlling behavior or if she knows something about him that he doesn't want anyone else to know.

How involved in his life is his ex? How involved in her life is he? Have you met her or any of his personal friends (not colleagues or work buddies) and/or family?

How long after your separation/divorce from your ex did you meet your current boyfriend? How long did you know him before you began seeing each other? Did you see/date anyone between the ex and the current? Be very certain that you aren't using him as an emotional crutch after what your ex did.

Look at your relationship. As Judy keeps asking, do you go out anywhere? Is the sum of your relationship him coming over? How much of a part does sex play? When do talks about the future occur? When cuddling on the couch, talking and sharing plans or when you seem to be pulling away and he wants to reel you back in?

I am going to be honest. Part of thinks you are getting played. How positive are you that he is divorced?

Help us out with some important information. How long were you divorced?

That's more critical than how much these fellows make, or what they do with their money. To be frank, you are seeing everything through the lens of how YOU are struggling, and how much help YOU need. I don't doubt you do, but expecting an 8 month dating relationship to be building for a future is plain crazy.

Feelings and finances aside, you are dating to get to know each other, and should NOT be counting on him, or anyone else to be investing on a future that at best is a far off dream of yours.

It appears that you need a lawyer more than you need a boyfriend, and you can't blame a guy for looking out for his own interests, especially a divorced one who supports his ex. How do you expect to enjoy and have fun when all you can see are your own problems?

You won't like this but if your husband is so well off, why are the kids not with him? Don't think I don't sympathize with your struggle, but whether you hate the ex or not he can certainly share the burden. Without clarity, hard NOT to assume something else is at play here. Maybe a relationship is not what's in your best interest at this time if you cannot enjoy it.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I have read the entire thread.

What leaps out at me is when you say that he fully supports his ex-wife and intends to continue supporting her. You see it as integrity. I wonder if it is a sign of controlling behavior or if she knows something about him that he doesn't want anyone else to know.

How involved in his life is his ex? How involved in her life is he? Have you met her or any of his personal friends (not colleagues or work buddies) and/or family?

How long after your separation/divorce from your ex did you meet your current boyfriend? How long did you know him before you began seeing each other? Did you see/date anyone between the ex and the current? Be very certain that you aren't using him as an emotional crutch after what your ex did.

Look at your relationship. As Judy keeps asking, do you go out anywhere? Is the sum of your relationship him coming over? How much of a part does sex play? When do talks about the future occur? When cuddling on the couch, talking and sharing plans or when you seem to be pulling away and he wants to reel you back in?

I am going to be honest. Part of thinks you are getting played. How positive are you that he is divorced?

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1. I haven't met his ex yet, they do talk everyday and he does not have a problem showing me his text to and from her. She has a lot of health issues so that is why he still supports her. This is what he says

2. I did date one guy after my divorce, things didn't work out. It's been about a year and a half.

3. We met and immediately started dating

4. I have not met any friends, I don't know that he has any, he travels about three weeks out of the month, so I see him little. We talk everyday a few times a day when he is gone for work. When we do see each other it does entail a lot of sex because we miss each other. We do go out to dinner and double with my friends. I don't have a lot of time with my schedule and his to spend together, mainly in the evenings after my school, he would come down sooner if I didn't have school. He live an hour away from me. I do have keys to his house so he isn't too private.

5. I did meet his parents last week, he wanted me to.

6. I don't think I'm being played because he does keep in touch with me all day and he literally counts the days and hours until he gets to see me again... in our text he keeps a timer... I think its cute.

7. Another part of our relationship is his work schedule, most of the time I don't even know what state he is in, although he tells me but I can't keep track. I hate the fact we don't have real time to spend doing everyday things, our schedule collide since I won't let him meet my kids it makes it even harder.

IDK... I don't even want to think about whether he's sincere of not about our future. We talk often about it, but nothing seems to happen. I love him and I do believe he loves me. When we do get married or live together he has said he would pay the bills and states that I wouldn't have to work and could concentrate on other things that I do that don't make as much, I don't agree with him about not working I would never not work. As I think through all the advice from these posts I do see that I am insecure with our relationship, the unwillingness to help and the time away from him is hard for me. I guess our relationship when we are together will still be strained because of the schedule conflict but I will feel better just knowing he is coming home to our house and not different houses.

Any comments are helpful... p.s. I am sneaking at school to read these posts I just need to know what others think I should do because I have told him I need time to think about things... he doesn't know what Im thinking about he just knows I have some concerns that Im working through.

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Originally Posted by sbvandi

4. I have not met any friends, I dont know that he has any, he travels about three weeks out of the month, so I see him little. We talk everyday a few times a day when he is gone for work. When we do see each other it does entail a lot of sex because we miss each other. We do go out to dinner and double with my friends. I don't have a lot of time with my schedule and his to spend together, mainly in the evenings after my school, he would come down sooner if I didnt have school. He live an hour away from me. I do have keys to his house so he isnt too private.

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I have two words about not meeting any of his friends and having a lot of $ex when you do get together (by the way, does he pay for your babysitter) - those two words are Red Flag! Red Flag!

No, wait, those are four words.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I've edited your answer - I hope you don't mind.

Let me address a couple of things - you are talking about a future together but he hasn't met your children. Have you met his? When he is giving money for charity dinners (or whatever else) are you going to the events with him? I still don't see you saying, "We went out to dinner and he spent $200 and I could have used that money to pay the gas bill."

The only way to get resolution is to be specific - maybe he doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's a jerk. There's one way to know. Ask him if he can help you with something specific. At some point you have to stop smiling and hurting. My first concern is that you are putting on a false face for some reason. My other concern is that I don't see you involved in his life. Is this platonic? Sexual? Something else? I hesitate to ask - but do you go out together, meet somewhere, something else? I don't want to make you feel worse but it's summer. Where do the two of you go on dates?

He may give to charity because he's a person who likes to flash his money, who thinks money buys respect. It's called shallow.

I think it's too soon in the relationship to have any expectations - I truly do.

Having said this, I married my late husband 7 weeks after I met him. Sometimes it does work.

EDIT: I wasn't going to add this but I will. When I met my late husband I was working a full-time job and two part-time jobs (my dog was sick and I needed the second part-time job to pay her Vet bills). After the first couple of weeks he offered to give me money to get me "caught up." I could not have been more offended. On our first date he paid for dinner. We then went to a coffee shop, just to talk, and I paid for the coffee. He said that that had never happened to him before - apparently women are happy to be the "guest" but not the "host."

And I did none of this to set him up for anything - it was just important to me to keep my independence and self direction. I never wanted anyone to think I was using him.

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When we do go out he does pay and I usually don't eat a lot of it so I can bring food back to me kids, he hasn't caught on to that. He doesn't have kids, he was married for 14 years and she couldn't have any. I don't go to the events with him because they are usually out of town. He has offered to fly me in to go but I can't leave. Recently he told me he wanted to go on vacation and take me with... Im not going because of my schedule and also because I can't sit in a luxury resort when I can't afford to live... im not going to drink a twenty dollar drink by the pool... I can't imagine doing that.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have two words about not meeting any of his friends and having a lot of ex when you do get together (by the way, does he pay for your babysitter) - those two words are Red Flag! Red Flag!

No, wait, those are four words.

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I don't have babysitters I only see him when my ex has the kids. He does pay for gas when I drive to his house.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Help us out with some important information. How long were you divorced?

Thats more critical than how much these fellows make, or what they do with their money. To be frank, you are seeing everything thru the lens of how YOU are struggling, and how much help YOU need. I don't doubt you do, but expecting an 8 month dating relationship to be building for a future is plain crazy.

Feelings and finances aside, you are dating to get to know each other, and should NOT be counting on him, or anyone else to be investing on a future that at best is a far off dream of yours.

It appears that you need a lawyer more than you need a boyfriend, and you can't blame a guy for looking out for his own interests, especially a divorced one who supports his ex. How do you expect to enjoy and have fun when all you can see are your own problems?

You won't like this but if your husband is so well off, why are the kids not with him? Don't think I don't sympathize with your struggle, but whether you hate the ex or not he can certainly share the burden. Without clarity, hard NOT to assume something else is at play here. Maybe a relationship is not whats in your best interest at this time if you cannot enjoy it.

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I do need a lawyer but they cost money and like I said I did sign the divorce papers and they are non modifiable. They kids are with me and my ex exactly 50/50. I wish he would pay more but he won't he says too bad get a job and quit school. Im so close I don't want to quit and have to work for minimum when in six months I will have a salary. Maybe Im a romantic about the time we've been together but talks of the future are usually him talking.

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Originally Posted by sbvandi

I do need a lawyer but they cost money and like I said I did sign the divorce papers and they are non modifiable. They kids are with me and my ex exactly 50/50. I wish he would pay more but he wont he says too bad get a job and quit school. Im so close I dont want to quit and have to work for minimum when in six months I will have a salary. Maybe Im a romantic about the time weve been together but talks of the future are usually him talking.

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Quite honestly, when you started posting I thought, "What's wrong with this woman?" The more you've posted the more sensible and truly likeable (for lack of a better) word you've become.

I just hope the boyfriend isn't saying the words he thinks you want to hear. I don't know that there's any guarantee, any sure fire way, to know.

I think you are being sensible in many ways. This is one of those situations that has to play itself out.

You also are one of the few who posts, listens to comments, answers questions, studies the answers (you don't have to like them, of course), ponders the issues.

I'm curious to see how this plays out.

I haven't had a chance to read through every post but I did want to ask if you have considered state assistance for your situation? I believe I read NY is where you are currently located? Programs and Services | OTDA

My wife just completed her RN degree a couple years ago. DON'T quit now. You have 6 months left, you've made it this far, the finish line is in sight. While my wife was going to school I supported our family by myself so I know how hard it can be and for the most part had daddy duties from the moment I got home from work to the moment I went back to work while my wife studied her rear off and it all has paid off. She makes more money than I do now (she has to tease me of course :) )

I do appreciate all of your comments... I really do :) I live in Washington and they say Im just over the limit for any help with what my ex gives me. I have looked for resources everywhere trust me. All I can do is try to make it until Im finished with school and then I have a job that is pretty much waiting for me which I'm so grateful for. I don't know what I should do about my boyfriend. As I stated I have been not speaking to him for a few days and just said I need some time to think. I just emailed him and was completely honest with him about my concerns. He may read it and choose not to talk to me and that will be it, but at least I will know. I just hope my wording was right unlike my original post where I came across as a selfish b****. Honestly Im trying to look for answers. I don't want to lose him but I may have to. Im sad because he really is a wonderful person, I just think we have too different lives and I don't know if we can find a resolution. Wish me luck on the email and I will keep you guys posted, I may need even more support once he read the email. Thanks again for the help and for being honest.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

I haven't had a chance to read through each and every post but I did want to ask if you have considered state assistance for your situation? I believe I read NY is where you are currently located? Programs and Services | OTDA

My wife just completed her RN degree a couple years ago. DON'T quit now. You have 6 months left, you've made it this far, the finish line is in sight. While my wife was going to school I supported our family by myself so I know how hard it can be and for the most part had daddy duties from the moment I got home from work to the moment I went back to work while my wife studied her rear off and it all has paid off. She makes more money than I do now (she has to tease me of course :) )

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How did I miss NY?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

How did I miss NY?

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Better yet, where did I come up with NY :s

EDIT: Sorry, been a very busy day. sbvandi you said that he hasn't met your children yet? Does he know about your children (sorry, without going back through the entire thread or assuming that you live in NY, how old are your kids, my curiousity)? I can understand wanting to limit the emotional attachment of your children to this man until a more solid commitment is made but he really should have a chance to meet and get to know your children. Absolutely your decision of course.

This is kind of a package deal (not meaning offense, I've been there) if he and you want something more long term. He's introduced you to his parents, may be time to consider introducing him to your children. By the way, how did the meet go with his parents (please tell me you met with his parents so I know I'm not going crazy over lack of sleep, on call this week).

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You also are one of the few who posts, listens to comments, answers questions, studies the answers (you don't have to like them, of course), ponders the issues.

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Hey now, I just needed to be hit upside the head with a brick to see clearly here ;)

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

Better yet, where did I come up with NY :s

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"We" New Yorkers don't necessarily recognize any other State.

I wondered if the boyfriend has expressed a desire to meet the OP's children? I still can't decide if it's too soon or not.

Update: He didn't take the email very well. I haven't spoken to him yet, we are supposed to met tomorrow night to decide if we can pass through this obstacle. I don't know what he's going to say about me being hurt. All he said was "Sorry you feel that way we should talk Friday and see where we go from here" That was his text word for word... then nothing. I don't know how to do this. What should I say? And how?

Also he hasn't met my younger children, he did met my 18 yr old son because my son wanted to meet him. I just wanted to make sure we are going to be together and have a future before he meets them, the divorce was hard enough on them.

I wonder if not meeting your children is part of how he acts towards you.
If he only sees you without them around, does that mean he isn't even welcome in your home?
I'm not sure I understand this anyway - children should know who their mother is seeing even after a tough divorce, and should meet him, even if he doesn't spend a lot of time there.

I think the man sounds like he is either totally insensitive or he's a jerk.
If you are dating a woman for 8 months, sleeping with her, how can you not be concerned that she is getting food from a food bank and not just buy her some groceries or ask if she needs anything. That is just common decency. I would do that much for a friend or someone I know of.
Are sure sure he is not lying about his life? Something just does not add up. The man can't be that dense and uncaring if he really cares.

I have read the entire thread and everything seems to be getting picked up on, asked and answered in a timely manner... except one thing!

How can you; as a mother, be planning your future with this guy, when he has never met your children? I am unsure the ages of your children but regardless, your boyfriend will play a role in their lives if you do have a future with this man. Knowing how he acts around children, specifically your children, should be a must. As a mother, you should respect/care for no man that has no respect/care for your children.

Just my thought...

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Originally Posted by ITstudent2006

I have read the entire thread and everything seems to be getting picked up on, asked and answered in a timely manner....except one thing!

How can you; as a mother, be planning your future with this guy, when he has never met your children? I am unsure the ages of your children but regardless, your bf will play a role in their lives if you do have a future with this man. Knowing how he acts around children, specifically your children, should be a must. As a mother, you should respect/care for no man that has no respect/care for your children.

Just my thought...

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I did mention that actually :S I can understand the need to protect younger children from an emotional attachment to a person you aren't sure that will be long term. I believe you need to get past this issue first and then when the concern of him not helping out is over then you can consider introducing him to your younger kids.

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Originally Posted by DsprtCfsd

I did mention that actually :S I can understand the need to protect younger children from an emotional attachment to a person you aren't sure that will be long term. I believe you need to get past this issue first and then when the concern of him not helping out is over then you can consider introducing him to your younger kids.

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I agree. One step at a time. I was talking in terms of the OP's feelings. How can you already want something when so many of the pieces of the puzzle haven't been put together.

I wonder if there were no sex involved would this be such an issue. I mean who even pays the bills of a friend with benefits? Or expects it? Would this guy even be around without the benefits?

Just asking with all due respects.