Ask Me Help Desk - How to get him talk to me again

Quote:

Originally Posted by momincali

Zephyrus, thank you for not aborting this innocent baby. Many in our culture today do away with babies for the sheer inconvenience and it's tragic. Unfortunately, you didn't pick a man to be the father of your child, you picked a boy, a selfish, immature one. The reason I say "picked" is because although you didn't plan on a pregnancy, you took the risk, not knowing him (if you don't even know where he lives, then you don't know him) and he was not man enough to take responsibility.

I know the shame you must feel with your family and friends, but please, go to them and ask for their help. Not financial, but emotional support for you and your beautiful baby girl. Since she has no father figure in her life, if you have anyone you love and trust, spend time with them and your child so she will have some sort of family structure. It will help both of you greatly. If your parents are living, go to them and tell them. I know you said you are a foreign exchange student, but find a way to go to them and tell them. It may be unacceptable in your culture, but no matter how upset your parents get, they still love you and will love your child. Your daughter needs that.

As for this guy, go to the university (not alone if you can help it) and find him through the administration office, give them his name. If he refuses to talk to you, than do what you must. Go see a lawyer to get his paternity rights taken away so he can't come into your life 5 years from now, married, and trying to take your child away from you. Chances are, if he was selfish enough to turn away from you, than he will gladly sign away anything that makes him responsible for this child. One day, maybe many many years from now, he will regret it. He's not this child's father, father's don't turn their backs on their children because they are inconvenient. Her father will be the man you marry and the man that wants to adopt her and raise her with you as his own child. A father is much more than blood, it is actions, a father is love and devotion. Pick wisely.

Hello, I really appreciate your ideas and comments in regards to my problems. I also thank everyone for your concerns and useful feedback. Now I can have better picture.

I was thinking to make a half day trip to go to his university sometime next week (of course alone without bringing my daughter) and drop my letter containing the picture of my daughter. Then I'll return to the city where I am studying and wait for him to pick it up and read them. What do you think? As I did not want to involve yet the university to drag him out.

Shall I include in the letter that if he did not to be apart of our child, then he must write a declaration that he is giving up all his rights and responsibility in the future with the assistance from his lawyer. What do you think? Or shall I go to my lawyer and ask my lawyer to draft them for me? Which one is better to do?

By the way, TODAY, I received sms from him and he asked me "where is the baby and whether I am bringing the baby to live with me in Europe"
Should I reply the sms or no? If yes, what shall I write on the sms?

Again, everyone thanks a lot.

If you have made your mind up that you wish for him to sign over his rights, then I wouldn't go the his university for any reason...
You should have your lawyer draw up the papers...
Is this what you've decided to do?
Or do you have hopes for him to be apart of your child's life?

This has turned into a bit of a sticky situation. You are both from different countries and had a child in neither country that your from...
I don't know your culture, nor his... But I do know mine, and I wouldn't risk for one second that my baby's father from another country could come and take my child away from me and out of the country without me being able to do anything about it. If it were me, I would definitely have him sign his rights away and be done with him...
But this isn't me or my culture... It's yours... You have to make a safe decision on what to do that's best for you and your daughter.
This is a BIG problem you have, and I think you should consult a lawyer at this stage... Something legal needs to be put on paper whether it be full custody to you or the father signing over his rights, I believe the best thing for you to do is speak to a lawyer...

This man is not wanting any responsibility and thinks he can just act like it never happened. Why are you not making him accept some of the financial responsibilities? It does not matter if you can do it on your own there may be a time when you can't pay bills. This man needs to be forced to grow up think about what I am about to say... What about when your child gets older in life? Your child is going to try to find him and your child could in the long run be emotionally hurt and scarred that the father couldn't even help support them. Your child will turn into a young adult and most likely go look for him with or without your knowledge of it. Make him accept is part of it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinsign

This man is not wanting any responsibilty and thinks he can just act like it never happened. Why are you not making him accept some of the finacial responsibilites?. It does not matter if you can do it on your own there may be a time when you can't pay bills. This man needs to be forced to grow up think about what i am about to say...What about when your child gets older in life? your child is going to try to find him and your child could in the long run be emotionally hurt and scarred that the father couldn't even help support them. your child will turn into a young adult and most likely go look for him with or without your knowledge of it. Make him accept is part of it!

Hello, thanks for posting.
From where shall I start to force him if I am not sure whether he still live in the same city or still studying at university. I tried to write emails and sms but no reply. I called but he didn't pick up the phone.

I know that one day in the future there are chances that my daughter will look for him but I guess he didn't think the same way as I do now. If he want to walk away now and didn't want to take any responsibilities then better finish and deal with our problem now rather than later after our daughter grow up and after he marry and having children with his future wife, isn't? But he didn't have the initiative to talk to me. What can I do to make him start the talking? :confused:

Back off all this for now, please and do not contact him. Until he contacts you leave him alone as I would not trust him or his motivations. Consult with your own lawyer to be informed of your rights and his before you take any actions what so ever. Till you know better where he is coming from protect your child and educate yourself of the cultural differences between you. His actions are not trustworthy so don't trust him, not even for old times sake.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKaeTrue

If you have made your mind up that you wish for him to sign over his rights, then I wouldn't go the his university for any reason...
You should have your lawyer draw up the papers...
Is this what you've decided to do?
Or do you have hopes for him to be apart of your child's life?

This has turned into a bit of a sticky situation. You are both from different countries and had a child in neither country that your from...
I don't know your culture, nor his... But I do know mine, and I wouldn't risk for one second that my baby's father from another country could come and take my child away from me and out of the country without me being able to do anything about it. If it were me, I would definitely have him sign his rights away and be done with him...
But this isn't me or my culture...It's yours...You have to make a safe decision on what to do thats best for you and your daughter.
This is a BIG problem you have, and I think you should consult a lawyer at this stage... Something legal needs to be put on paper whether it be full custody to you or the father signing over his rights, I believe the best thing for you to do is speak to a lawyer...

Luckily, my daughter is currently living in my home country in a safe place with my uncle and his wife. After 2 weeks of her birth I returned to Europe alone and continue my study as my life. I'll try to get feedback from my lawyer back home. Thanks.:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Back off of all this for now, please and do not contact him. Until he contacts you leave him alone as I would not trust him or his motivations. Consult with your own lawyer to be informed of your rights and his before you take any actions what so ever. Till you know better where he is coming from protect your child and educate yourself of the cultural differences between you. His actions are not trustworthy so don't trust him, not even for old times sake.

Thank you talaniman for your postings.
For your information, he is Kuwaiti
So, anyone here having a clue on what he might do? :confused:

There's no telling what he might do, any thing is possible. Don't respond to any of his calls, emails, texts or whatever. Speak to a trusted attorney right away. You don't want to give this guy the opportunity to take your child, even if she's in another country, he may get aggressive. If he's serious about his interest in the baby, let him do the work and come to you. He ignored you all this time, never gave or offered you a dime and now he nonchalantly wants to know where she is or if you're taking her? Please see an attorney quickly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Back off of all this for now, please and do not contact him. Until he contacts you leave him alone as I would not trust him or his motivations. Consult with your own lawyer to be informed of your rights and his before you take any actions what so ever. Till you know better where he is coming from protect your child and educate yourself of the cultural differences between you. His actions are not trustworthy so don't trust him, not even for old times sake.

Here is the facts...
In my home country there are possibilities for him claiming the child as long as he demands the DNA tests to prove his fatherhood. So he can have reasons to take away the child with no difficulties. Surely he can get this done. Even he never play any role during the pregnancy and delivery, he is having full rights over the child.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zephyrus888

here is the facts...
In my home country there are possibilities for him claiming the child as long as he demands the DNA tests to prove his fatherhood. So he can have reasons to take away the child with no difficulties. Surely he can get this done. Even he never play any role during the pregnancy and delivery, he is having full rights over the child.

This is why it is SO important for you to ignore this man. Do not respond to him, do not try to contact him, nothing... Contact your lawyer, not him. Don't send him a pic, don't write him a letter...
You can see that this forums concerns about the appropriate steps for you to take have changed, and for good reason too. They have changed for your safety and for your child's safety.
Please learn more about his country and the culture... Learn more about his rights - learn more about his right to request a DNA. That could be the whole reason he wants to know where your baby is... So for that matter, DON'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL HIM WHERE YOUR BABY IS...

Quote:

What can I do to make him start the talking?

You don't want him to start talking.
Us women get all emotional and want to start talking after we've had a child... especially to the father of our baby... But your situation is very very different now. You don't want him to talk... Do you understand what we're trying to tell you here? Do you understand the potential danger??

I'm very happy that your baby is being well cared for... Now it's your responsibility to keep it that way...
Consult your laywer... The benefits of him being apart of your daughters life is NOT outweighing the risks... Please remember that as you try to do this without him.
I wish you the best,

Kae

I agree with a lot of the replys that you got back... leave him in the past... if he has'nt contacted you then that is his problem... sounds like a chump to me and doesn't deserve a picture. If he cared at all he would have been there at some point... leave him in the past; I am sure there is someone specail out there waiting for you and your baby girl to cross his path.