I think the letter is a great idea. I've done something like that for our past break up. Kind of like a journal entry. As for details, I already know them all. She was hiding too much from the start, and once she started revealing the truths, I wanted to know them all so that they each wouldn't pop up in the future. Honestly, the details do add some realism to the picture in my mind, but they also have diminished the other man's standing in my mind immensely. He seems less of a threat, and if anything it was the worst moment in her life. Though, whether I know the details or not, I still know it happened. I'm glad she told me, cause if she didn't, every time I say "I'm glad you waited for me like i did for you." or "at least you didn't bang someone else while we were apart, that shows you loved me still." she would break down and go into a shell. It's a very sensitive topic, and though I know I will never forget it, right now, she is with me. She has never cheated on me, and admits this as a mistake. If possible I really want to keep this relationship going. I'm slowly regaining my trust in her as time passes, and the thoughts are dissipating. Though, when I go to the bathroom and see my junk sometimes it reoccurs...
As for the idea she mentioned about sleeping with someone else. She suggested we be broken up when I do this. Almost like: Together, Break up, sleep around, back together. She insists I do this. Yet she says she doesn't want to pressure me. I know deep down she doesn't want me to do it, but I know it may make her feel better about her decision. Though I'm not sure if It would help clear my conscience. We were both virgins before each other, and I had hoped it'd stay that way forever. I know that is very idealistic thinking, but I always believed intercourse was between lovers, not random casual people, or "friends" that happen to be there at the moment. I hadn't heard of him once before this incident, so he obviously wasn't important prior to this.

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Originally Posted by theanonymoused

I think the letter is a great idea. I've done something like that for our past break up. Kind of like a journal entry. As for details, i already know them all. She was hiding too much from the start, and once she started revealing the truths, i wanted to know them all so that they each wouldn't pop up in the future. Honestly, the details do add some realism to the picture in my mind, but they also have diminished the other man's standing in my mind immensely. He seems less of a threat, and if anything it was the worst moment in her life. Though, whether i know the details or not, I still know it happened. I'm glad she told me, cause if she didn't, every time i say "I'm glad you waited for me like i did for you." or "at least you didn't bang someone else while we were apart, that shows you loved me still." she would break down and go into a shell. Its a very sensitive topic, and though I know I will never forget it, right now, she is with me. She has never cheated on me, and admits this as a mistake. If possible i really want to keep this relationship going. I'm slowly regaining my trust in her as time passes, and the thoughts are dissipating. Though, when i go to the bathroom and see my junk sometimes it reoccurs...
As for the idea she mentioned about sleeping with someone else. She suggested we be broken up when i do this. Almost like: Together, Break up, sleep around, back together. She insists i do this. Yet she says she doesn't want to pressure me. I know deep down she doesn't want me to do it, but i know it may make her feel better about her decision. Though I'm not sure if It would help clear my conscience. We were both virgins before each other, and I had hoped it'd stay that way forever. I know that is very idealistic thinking, but I always believed intercourse was between lovers, not random casual people, or "friends" that happen to be there at the moment. I hadn't heard of him once before this incident, so he obviously wasn't important prior to this.

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It seems like you really want thias to work and I hope everything works out for you, I had a long talk with my girlfriend the other day about how I am feeling and its help loads I think talking about it with you girlfriend is the best solution and just think as you said you are better otherwise she wouldn't be back with you. Good luck and hope it works.

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Originally Posted by cjk888

it seems like you really want thias to work and i hope everything works out for you, I had a long talk with my gf the other day about how i am feeling and its help loads i think talking about it with you gf is the best solution and just think as you said you are better otherwise she wouldnt be back with you. good luck and hope it works.

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Thanks, I've been feeling better as time passes. Honestly, it didn't affect my performance at the start, but I have to admit sometimes I fumble during even a kiss. I feel almost like I've forgotten how to let it all happen. The thought of the event crosses my mind sometimes, but usually its brief and fleeting. Its only when she makes excuses or tries to justify her actions that the thought lingers and turns painful... I admit that I feel much more self conscience cause of this, and my libido has dropped exponentially. At times I have to wonder if it's even worth it, though when I'm with her I'm usually happy. I am certainly going to try to continue the relationship, but it seems I'll be battling a fierce enemy (myself) for a long time to come.
Disturbing Joke ahead:
If I'm as good fighting myself as I am playing with...
Anyway... I think I'll figure it out... Ha ha ha.

Thanks for your input, and I hope it works out well for all of our sakes.

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Originally Posted by theanonymoused

Thanks, I've been feeling better as time passes. Honestly, it didn't affect my performance at the start, but i have to admit sometimes i fumble during even a kiss. I feel almost like I've forgotten how to let it all happen. The thought of the event crosses my mind sometimes, but usually its brief and fleeting. Its only when she makes excuses or tries to justify her actions that the thought lingers and turns painful... I admit that i feel much more self conscience cause of this, and my libido has dropped exponentially. At times i have to wonder if it's even worth it, though when I'm with her I'm usually happy. I am certainly going to try to continue the relationship, but it seems I'll be battling a fierce enemy (myself) for a long time to come.
Disturbing Joke ahead:
If I'm as good fighting myself as i am playing with...
anyway... I think I'll figure it out... Ha ha ha.

Thanks for your input, and I hope it works out well for all of our sakes.

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LOL this is exactly where I am at I really want it to work and when we are together we are fine and happy but as soon as we are apart I just think about what's happened, but good news the thoughts are fadeing for a relationship to work sometimes you need to fight for it so that's what wioll happen.

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Originally Posted by cjk888

LOL this is exactly where i am at i really want it to work and when we are together we are fine and happy but as soon as we are apart i just think about whats happened, but good news the thoughts are fadeing for a relationship to work sometimes you need to fight for it so thats what wioll happen.

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Same here, its only when we are apart where the thoughts become invasive. Hopefully as time passes the thoughts will diminish to no more than a murmur in my head from time to time. I'm starting to regain my composure around her more often, perhaps the fire was just dimmed and needs to have fuel added to it before I can burn brightly again.

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Originally Posted by theanonymoused

Same here, its only when we are apart where the thoughts become invasive. Hopefully as time passes the thoughts will diminish to no more than a murmur in my head from time to time. I'm starting to regain my composure around her more often, perhaps the fire was just dimmed and needs to have fuel added to it before i can burn brightly again.

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Do you ever bring it up to her? I'm sure the thought will go altogether soon but for now we will just have to deal with it, I can't believe girls can be worse then lads these days lol what's the world coming to.

I was horribly surprised as well. I could expect that of a male, but females are becoming the new males. Well, no point worrying about it now. So many aspects where involved in both of our sides I'm sure. Emotion and logical reasoning sometimes just don't go hand in hand in times of distress...
Anyway, yeah I had told her awhile ago. But lately I've just dropped the subject. If at all avoidable I try not to bring it up. Whenever I'm with her, the thought fades. Despite what was given up/lost, some things "that" man could never take away from me. In a way I wonder if the experience has helped me value her a lot more. Though I still feel its 200+ different kinds of messed up, I'm not really mad at her for doing it. I am beyond mad at "him" but I'm only hurt and disappointed by her. Well, that's karma probably. Anyway, its been getting better and better lately, and she is becoming more open with me then she ever was. Its like I'm seeing another side of her. It's a bit shocking but it's intriguing. I just hope she doesn't end up ditching me and becoming a party girl or something stupid.

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Originally Posted by theanonymoused

I was horribly surprised as well. I could expect that of a male, but females are becoming the new males. Well, no point worrying about it now. So many aspects where involved in both of our sides I'm sure. Emotion and logical reasoning sometimes just don't go hand in hand in times of distress...
Anyway, yeah i had told her awhile ago. But lately I've just dropped the subject. If at all avoidable i try not to bring it up. Whenever I'm with her, the thought fades. Despite what was given up/lost, some things "that" man could never take away from me. In a way I wonder if the experience has helped me value her a lot more. Though i still feel its 200+ different kinds of messed up, I'm not really mad at her for doing it. I am beyond mad at "him" but I'm only hurt and disappointed by her. Well, that's karma probably. Anyway, its been getting better and better lately, and she is becoming more open with me then she ever was. Its like I'm seeing another side of her. Its a bit shocking but it's intriguing. I just hope she doesn't end up ditching me and becoming a party girl or something stupid.

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Well I'm glad its getting better and good luck its good to talk to people with the same experiances.

Hello,

I have recently got back with my girlfriend who I was with for 4 years, we had a split she moved out and now we are back together we split because we just didn't feel a spark any more and I didn't do as much as I could to stay together, after we split she had a lot of people interested in her Facebook text etc and she did sleep with someone when she went away. We have a child together so I was still seeing her a lot as I would go and pick my daughter up. After a few months of us being apart we both relised we had made a mistake and we wanted to get back together so we did, its only been 3 months and we have been on holiday but not moved back intogeher, the first month was nothing but sex all the time and fun but after I came back of holiday with her and my daughter she seems to not really be that bothered about me and only interested in her best friend( a girl)
She asks me to buy her things all the time and if I don't she tries to make me feel guilty not in a nasty way but just says its OK then it doesn't matter :( on a text, I have been really insecure because of what happened when we split and she doesn't seem to understand or care that I am, I don't no if its just me reading into things too much or not but I just want to make it work and stop feeling like I'm the only one making an effort.

Is there anyone in the same situation or someone who can advise me what todo
With thanks
cjk888

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So I'm back again.

My missis and I have been together for 5 years, we have a 3 year old daugter together and have had one break in our relationship.

Recently I noticed she was down and asked if she was OK, she then began to tell me she is not happy in the relationship anymore and wants space.
I don't really no what to do I do everything for her and my daughter and it just seems like she isn't bothered we are still txting all the time but I haven't seen her for a week apart from to get my daughter but I make sure I don't stay long so she has space. I have spoken with her friends and her mum to see if there is another man in her life but they all say no and I have also asked my partner this she again said this is between you and me and know one else. I don't really no what to do has anyone got any advise.

At this point its difficult to understand what's going on in her mind. I think you take care of your baby girl and leave your partner alone for sometime.

Have you asked her about going to counseling?

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Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

Have you asked her about going to counseling?

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Yes I have asked her and she said she wants to do it on her own. She has been ill for about a year as well but not mentally. She had an infection that makes her dizzy and it has never gone even though the doctors have said its all in her head.
This all started from a panic attack and she thinks she has health anxiety so she always thinks she is ill. I want to just leave her for abit but find it hard as we have a child together, she acts so normal all the time and it just seems like this isn't effecting her.

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Originally Posted by cjk888

yes i have asked her and she said she wants to do it on her own. she has been ill for about a year aswell but not mentally. she had an infection that makes her dizzy and it has never gone even tho the doctors have said its all in her head.
this all started from a panic attack and she thinks she has health anxiety so she always thinks she is ill. i want to just leave her for abit but find it hard as we have a child together, she acts so normal all the time and it just seems like this isnt effecting her.

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It may help to go to counseling yourself. Be the best parent you can be in the meantime.

The answer about counseling is very good. Sometimes, when both will go to a marriage counselor, or even some other type of counselor, just talking about everything with a third person really helps. People can fall "out of love" just like the falll "in love"... I know, been there, getting divorced after 7 yrs of marriage. Good luck.
PS, Just read what you said in a reply about her not wanting to go for counseling. I would take care of my daughter, and look around for somewhere to live... without her. She is trying to tell you, it's over. That's usually what happens when makes excuses for not getting counseling.

Not an expert on this... It seems like she just needs a larger house. Take it slowly, and start staying longer. See how she does.

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Originally Posted by fredg

The answer about counseling is very good. Sometimes, when both will go to a marriage counselor, or even some other type of counselor, just talking about everything with a third person really helps. People can fall "out of love" just like the falll "in love"....I know, been there, getting divorced after 7 yrs of marriage. Good luck.
PS, Just read what you said in a reply about her not wanting to go for counseling. I would take care of my daughter, and look around for somewhere to live....without her. She is trying to tell you, it's over. That's usually what happens when makes excuses for not getting counseling.

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If she won't go to councilling then what can I do, should I just give her space and time or will this just give her time to end the relationship slowly. At the moment she still texts me a lot and I do reply and always put nice things. This ight be helping her to eventually stop the relationship but I don't no. a year ago we split for 3 months and in that time she selpt with someone else and it took me a year to get ovr that so I don't want it to happen again, we have spoke about it and she said she just wants to concentrate on her self and won't be seeing anyone else but can I trust that? My heaqd always over thinks things but its not easy.

Romos/ what's a larger house about? We don't live together any more but I'm there every night until 10.30pm then go home and go to work in the morning then back again at 6pm.

So the issue may be about some other person she might be seeing. Hence, it means you are serious about her but she needs freedom. But your daughter is the bond that keeps you guys going. Since you guys don't live together then things get even more difficult. The better solution will be that you guys sit together and talk on this issue openly. Texting is not helping. You guys need to face each other and share your dreams, hopes and expectation for self and each other, including your daughter. And even if you guys decide to part, you both have to take collective responsibility of daughter. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by smkanand

so the issue may be about some other person she might be seeing. hence, it means you are serious about her but she needs freedom. but your daughter is the bond that keeps you guys going. since you guys don't live together then things get even more difficult. The better solution will be that you guys sit together and talk on this issue openly. texting is not helping. you guys need to face each other and share your dreams, hopes and expectation for self and each other, including your daughter. and even if you guys decide to part, you both have to take collective responsibility of daughter. good luck.

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So we have sat down and had a long chat and decided to part, not really what I wanted but I can't make someone love me so I have told her this is it. This is the secound time we have split and I would be a fool again, she told me we got back together to fast last time and she didn't know what she wanted then so just seems to me like she has lied the last year. Thanks for all your help anyway, its time for a new chapter I guess.

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Originally Posted by cjk888

so we have sat down and had a long chat and decided to part, not really what i wanted but i can't make someone love me so i have told her this is it. this is the secound time we have split and i would be a fool again, she told me we got back together to fast last time and she didnt know what she wanted then so just seems to me like she has lied the last year. thanks for all your help anyway, its time for a new chapter i guess.

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I'm sorry to hear it. Please visit a lawyer to get a custody agreement.